


Inevitable

by Marta_TP



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Cophine AU, F/F, Shit load of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-11 21:35:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 56
Words: 182,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3333701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marta_TP/pseuds/Marta_TP
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Right. This is a college AU. I know, I know there are plenty of that, but just give it a try. Delphine is an exemplary student, but something in her life is about to change and perhaps things she held so dear may not have the importance she gives them. (really that sucks - hate summaries). It's Cophine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nice to Meet You

I woke up with the annoying sound of my alarm, a throbbing ache in my head from the terribly slept night. Apparently, Olivia, my roommate, thought it was a good idea to bring someone home in a school night and honestly, that would be totally fine by me, I try not to pry, it's her life, she can do whatever she wants. But the fact that the sounds that came from her bedroom were enough to keep me awake for the better part of the night and probably the neighbors too - well, that kind of pisses me off.

Throwing the covers back, I make an effort to leave the bed. Olivia might be fine missing classes, but that's not for me. I move to the bathroom and start my morning routines, but the mirror is not graceful to me: my blonde curls are even more uncontrolled than usual, from the tossing and turning I spent my night in and, probably, from eventually having to put the pillow over my head to keep the...indiscreet noise away from my ears. I avoid looking at my eyes, knowing they would show the huge brown bags they get every time I don't get a decent night's sleep.

With the toothbrush in my mouth, I enter my bedroom again, going over my wardrobe and settling for some denim jeans and a simple black top, which I place on my bed, before moving to the kitchen.

At least today I don't think I'll be faced with a gigantic mess in the kitchen, like last time she brought someone home and decided it was a good idea to bake while...well...baked.

Olivia and I never chose to be roommates, we just happen to both need a place to stay while we graduate from Berkeley and since neither of us knew anyone here or could afford a rent on our own, the landlord proposed we share the bill and everything that came with it. And so we did. The first few months were catastrophic and, to be completely honest, the only reason I didn't leave immediately was because I had no place to go or a way to pay for it. But, as time passed we adjusted to each other, we even became friends, albeit after many, many argues over the common areas, who does the dishes and who cleans the bathroom. So, even if today I'm absolutely annoyed with her, generally we get along pretty nicely.

Pushing the door to the kitchen with one hand while the other's still working with the brush to get the morning breath away I meant to go directly to the coffee machine to get it going – I have a feeling today I'll need plenty. But as I reach the coffee machine I notice it's already on and now I'm just surprised, can't believe Olivia beat me to it, especially after a night out. I turn to get a look at the clock that's hanged on the wall above the fridge.

"Oh, merde!" I say probably louder than I should, when I see a small woman looking at me with the fridge door open behind her. I have no idea how long she's been staring, but I'm not happy to have a stranger going over my things. "Who the hell are you?" I ask with an accusing toothbrush, pointing at the small figure.

"Oh, man, I'm so sorry!" Her hands raised in an attempt apology. "I didn't mean to scare you." She says, her voice is soft, but the amused expression she has on her face is more than enough to tell me she's anything but sorry.

"That doesn't answer my question!" I say sharply. "And can you please close the fridge's door!"

She does, but the amusement doesn't leave her face, if nothing else it just grows. "Sorry..." She says again and now she's not even trying to pretend it, not holding down a chuckle.

"Can you tell me what the fuck is so funny?" I don't usually curse, but something about her cocky grin has me on the edge of my self-control.

"Wow..." She seems taken aback from my sudden outburst, her hands waving vigorously. "I'm sorry, but it's kind of hard take you serious when you have so much toothpaste on your chin."

My hand goes immediately to my chin, my fingers rubbing off the toothpaste from it. "Okay, thank you." I say weirdly. "Now, can you tell me who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen?"

"Isn't it obvious?" She asks, while her hands point at herself as if presenting an evidence. "Or is it normal for half-naked girls to pop in your kitchen?"

For the first time since my eyes laid on the girl I make them focus. She's dressed in nothing but a white tank top and some close-fitted blue boxers, her brown hair tied in a bun on top of her head and there's something weird with it, but I can't exactly understand what from where I'm standing. A small silver ring on her nose. My eyes travel lower, even without me wanting, her thighs are firm, as it's her calf, flexed on her right leg since her left one is resting slightly crossed. She's barefooted, making her tinny frame even smaller.

"Good enough look?" She asks and the smile never leaves her face.

I start to feel the blush creeping to my cheeks. "You're Olivia's...friend?"

The small women chuckles and her entire body shakes. "Man, we are many things, but friends...that I don't know. I think we're not there yet."

I don't like it, the way she's talking, I think she's using me as a joke. "So do you have a name?"

"Of course I do, doesn't everyone have one?" She's on the move, going around the cabinets, opening and closing the doors.

"Can you just please answer one question like a normal person?" I give her a not so gentle push on the shoulder and take a mug from the cabinet, placing it on the balcony in front of her.

"Thanks!" She grabs the mug and starts to pour the coffee on it, taking an experimental sip. "Prefect!" Snaps her tongue. "Cosima, my name's Cosima."

"Well, Cosima, did Olivia give you permission to come and get coffee?" I ask a little softer.

"Are you kidding, she's out cold." She starts to move to the kitchen's doors. "Actually, I should go check on her. You can get some coffee if you want."

She leaves and I release a deep breath. "Olivia..." I said low, reprimanding my roommate as if she could hear me. The door slams open again and I caught the breath in my throat. "Could you stop do that?" I don't even have to turn, I know fully well who it is.

"Do what?" She raises her brow, but then her free hand gives a dismissively wave. "Never mind… Just... I never got your name."

"That's because I never gave it to you..." I say annoyed.

She snorts, doesn't seem in the least bothered with my sharp tone. "It's okay, I can get it from sleepy beauty over there." Cosima says, pointing in the direction of Olivia's bedroom with her thumb. A fast smirk and she is gone again, but the door's not even shut when she peaks through it again. "And you still have toothpaste on your chin." Gone for good.

"Merde!" I take my hand down again swiping what was left of it off. But just in case I go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. Yep, all gone.

I get to my bedroom and start to dress quickly noticing that I am already late. A quick stop in the kitchen, I reach for my thermos and the pot of coffee, holding one in each hand seriously thinking about throw that coffee away and make a new batch. But I don't have time for that, so I fill my thermos and leave.


	2. First Impressions

I arrive just a couple of minutes late for my first class, but the fast pace of my walk left me out of breath. The professor turns an ugly look my way, but doesn't say anything, proceeding with the class as if nothing changed. I stay put in my usual chair in the last row, trying to get my mind to focus in the monotonic voice of the lecturer; the hour drags slowly, as I write down the notes on the tablet that always accompanies me to class. But I feel wound up, this morning's event steeling my concentration. Olivia should be more careful about who she brings home for her play nights; one day we're gonna wake up to find the house empty of everything that has some value. Sure it's not a lot, but we do have a nice TV and then there's our laptops that often spend the night on the coffee table in the living room.

When the hour ends I leave the room, joining my classmates by the door, calmly waiting for the flow of bodies to diminish; I have a free period next. Usually I use that time to go to the library and go over the last class, but today I don't feel like it. So instead I go to the bar and sit quietly on one of the tables that's further from the cashier and, thus, also from the big cluster of students.

However, I don't stay still for long and my brain is censoring me for spending an entire hour doing nothing but look at other people. I search my bag again for my helpful little gadget and my hand brushes on the thermos, which is still full since I didn't even have the time to get some coffee. That realization makes my head pound, the lack of caffeine along with the sleep deprivation squeezing my brain next to nothing.

The scent of the strong beverage hits my nose once the cap is off and I am about to take a big gulp, but stop halfway. I look at the line of students that are waiting to be attended and quickly decide that is better to have the coffee I brought with me, after all it can't be poisoned, Cosima  _did_  drink it.

The coffee is strong with a bitter edge, just like I love it and after a few small sips I find myself drinking it with pleasure. At least I get good coffee from my roommate's escapade! When it's time to go for my next class my mind is much more alerted and the next few hours pass faster.

At the end of the day I force myself to go to the library and go over the day's classes. The silence that fills the big hall sends my spirit to rest, this is my world, where I feel more comfortable. I'm totally immersed on the large textbook in front of me, my eyes travel between it and the notes next to it. I scribble something on the notepad.

"Hey'a sexy, wonna make out behind the bookshelves?" Someone whispers next to my ear.

I'm startled and it causes me to cross a big line over my notes. I turn and face the same annoying grin from this morning, but now her eyes are hidden behind big spectacles. "What are you doing here?"

She moves around the table and sits in front of me without asking permission. "That doesn't answer my question!" Cosima says, the smile always on her lips.

And now I'm really pissed, not only is this girl half the reason for me not to be able to sleep last night, she also managed to ruin my morning and now she  _invades my world_. I chose to ignore her, returning my attention to my notes, but I can't concentrate, I feel her eyes piercing me, making me too selfaware. I sign deeply, so my voice won't rise over the acceptable levels for the place we are in. "Do you have to be here? There are plenty of free tables."

"Yeah, but you're not in them, frenchie." She answers, leaning forward over the table.

"So, you're on a mission to piss me off!" I turn a page on the textbook, even though I'm nowhere near finished reviewing that page, but I just need to do something with my eyes to avoid her stare. "And don't call me that!"

"It's either frenchie or blondie," she raises two fingers in front of my face "you chose."

"I thought you got all the information you need from Olivia." I point out.

She scoffs. "I did, but I rather this much more." She finishes the sentence with a wink.

I hum and refocus my eyes on the book, I shouldn't be turning red, but the blush is fast escalating to my face. Cosima remains still, but I feel her gaze, the little hairs on the back of my neck rise, as if they're liking the attention. But I'm not, I'm absolutely not liking the attention her stare is giving me; I need to study and I just can't with her here.

I'm about to voice my protest when Mrs. Croft, the  _library's guardian_ , as she's affectionately known among the students, reaches our table with the arms filled with large textbooks.

"Here you go, Cosima." She places the books in front of the little brunette. "Just be sure to return them Monday, okay?"

"Sure, G, no problem!" Cosima stands and wraps her arms around the big stack of books.

I watch Mrs. Croft leave with a small smile on her face and Cosima giving her a wide grin. Not until now I notice that she has dreads on her hair. "You go here?" I ask suspiciously.

"Don't sound so surprised, I might get offended." She says, her eyes on me again, the playful expression never leaves her face.

"No, I just never saw you, that's it!" I try to explain.

"No wonder, you always have your nose stuck in a book." She starts to walk away.

I find myself watching her leave and feel a weird bang on my chest to which I pay no attention. I manage to stay until is almost eight, even if my study hours are not as productive as they usually are.

As I leave the library I wave my goodbye's to Mrs. Croft, who has a cryptic smile on her lips, as if she knows a secret that she won't share.

I arrive at my place to find Olivia's slender body drapped on the couch, remote in hand, zapping the TV's channels. I say "hi", but move fast to my bedroom, getting my things ready for the shower.

It's not until we're seated at the kitchen table, having dinner, that I gather the courage to ask my roommate. "What have you told Cosima about me?"

Olivia looks confused. "You've met her?" She asks, her fork halfway to her mouth.

"Yeah, this morning. She hasn't told you?" And now it's my turn to be confused.

"No! We've hardly talked this morning, she was in a hurry to get to class." Olivia's clear green eyes are staring at me behind the glass that's stuck to her lips.

"I saw her at the library in the afternoon." I say between bites.

"Really? Does she go there?" My roommate asks with a raised brow.

"You ask me? You're the one who brought her home last night!" I look at Olivia annoyed.

She just snorts. "We didn't talk much..." She simply answers.

I can't believe my roommate's lack of judgment. "Okay, so what do you know about her?" I ask, trying to get the big picture.

Olivia starts to raise fingers as she talks. "I know her name is Cosima. I know she's hot. I know she has magical fingers and a wonderful tongue."

I blush, but I'm used to my roommate's casual approach to her sex life. "I know! I heard!"

"Yeah?" I nod. "Girl, I'm sorry, but…" She laughs loud. "What am I saying? I'm not even a little bit sorry. Tough you caught the bad end of it."

"Yeah, thanks for the solidarity." I say sarcastically.

I'm on the couch typing fast on the computer, if I don't start working hard on my thesis I'll never meet the deadline to apply to the PhD program. Olivia enters my sight, she's getting ready to leave for another night out.

"Do you want to come?" She asks with a smile, this is a typical joke between us. Olivia knows very well I'm not going out. Unless is a special occasion I usually don't. "C'mon Del, is Friday night! You need to get out and have some fun." She tries, she always does.

"You know I can't. I'm so lost with my thesis, I don't even know what I'm going to write about." I complain.

"I thought you were already decided." She sits next to me and points at my computer's screen. "If you don't know what is it, what are you writing?"

"Just playing with some ideas…" I scroll the mouse, making the screen show page after page of words, I get angry and shut the lid. "If only I could settle for something!"

Olivia gets to her feet again and grabs my arm, starting to pull me, trying to get me up. "Let's go, Delphine! I promise you'll have fun!"

But I don't budge. "I don't see how that could happen, remember when you brought all your friends to dinner here? Well, that was a disaster."

"That's because you didn't make an effort to be nice." She stops pushing. "But fine, I know they can be a handful." She was grabbing her purse. "You can talk with Cosima, find more stuff about her."

"I don't want to find more stuff about her, she's obnoxious. All I want from her is distance." I bitterly say.

"Too bad, 'cause, if I'm lucky, she's gonna spend over another night." She winks and gets out the door.

Even when my eyes are screaming for rest I force myself to stay up, fumbling with ideas, but no light sparkles in my mind. As the night progresses I get more and more upset. I  _need_  to find something so I can start working on it and get my dissertation moving or I'll be in hot water.

It's almost three in the morning when I hear voices outside the door, then keys jingle and shortly after I hear them fall to the ground and a loud. "Oh, fuck!", then giggles. After some time they are turning in the lock.

Olivia enters and a small figure follows suit. Their eyes are bloodshot, it's clear the two women are not in possession of their entire capabilities. My roommate goes to the kitchen without looking at me. I think she hasn't realized I'm still up and seated in the couch, on the same place I was when she left. But Cosima stays by the door and looks at me with her, apparently, typical grin.

I turn my eyes to the computer and restart to type. The brunette walks a little closer and when I say nothing, she sits by my side. I can smell the alcohol in her breath and the distinguish scent of pot, which I became familiar with since Olivia and I moved in together. "What are you working on?" She asks, her voice is raw and she clears it.

I half-close the lid of my laptop, preventing her from seeing what's on the screen. "None of your business!" I say, turning my head to face her stare.

"Jeez, what rubbed you the wrong way?" For the first time since we met, she acknowledges my not so nice mood around her.

"You did…" I mumble, looking away.

Cosima says nothing and I'm glad that for the first time I manage to give her an answer which she has no comeback to. My eyes go to her again so I can glow over the achievement. But when I see her face, my heart sinks: Cosima's smile is gone and in its place a straight line on her lips, her brows arched and her eyes show something that resembles hurt just a little too much.

"Oh crap, Delphine, I didn't know you were still up." The voice of my roommate distracts me to another place in the living room.

She's standing by the kitchen door, two beers in hand. "Yeah, I was trying to get some work done." I reply.

"Did you?" She moves closer and hands Cosima one of the beers.

"Not really." I shut my computer's top all the way and place it on the table in front of the couch. "I think I need some sleep. Good night." I get up and start to walk to my bedroom's door.

I glance back and see Olivia pushing Cosima's arm, making her get up. The smile reappearing in the small girl's lips. "C'mon Cos!" Olivia encourages, pushing Cosima to her bedroom.

Before I close the door to my bedroom behind me, I can hear them chuckle and the door closing roughly.


	3. Introductions

The urgent need to pee woke me up, I try to shake it off not really wanting to leave the bed. The bedside clock tells me it's almost eleven. At least last night wasn't as loud as the previous and, even though I could hear some muffled sounds, they were not enough to keep me awake or maybe I was just too tired to pay them any mind. Anyway, for whatever reason, this night was much calmer.

My bladder is seriously angry and there's nothing I can do but get up. Getting close to the bathroom door I notice it's shut, which doesn't happen unless someone's inside. I hear the flush go off and then the faucet, patiently waiting for my turn, although the sound of the water running doesn't help my situation.

I knock on the door. "C'mon, I need to go!" I say loud.

The door opens and is Cosima who makes her way out. She says nothing and her face is a mask of indifference, she walks to the kitchen and I quickly enter to take care of my problem. After I turn my attention to the mirror, much more pleased with what I see today as I try to get some order on my hair.

I go to the kitchen and I can smell coffee even before I open the door. Cosima's inside, the same mug I gave her yesterday secure between her hands, looking out the window. Our apartment might not be spacious, but from its tenth floor we have a splendid view of the bay and, when the fog settles, we can even see San Francisco's skyline. She doesn't turn, her eyes fixed outside.

"Can I take some coffee?" I ask.

"It's your house." She replies, shrugging, her eyes not leaving the window.

I pour myself a cup, my eyes locked on her small frame. Cosima's already dressed in the same clothes she was last night: a deep blue long sleeve shirt and some jeans; but she's barefoot again. Suddenly I feel self-conscious remembering I'm still in nothing but small shorts and a t-shirt that's so large that barely manages to cover my shoulders.

I leave the kitchen without another word and go to my bedroom, coffee in hand. It's clear that the little brunette is still upset about my harsh words last night and I can't help but feel guilty. Sure, she was a little...inconvenient, but never had she been unkind and I was. I realize now that perhaps I could've been less rough with her and probably Cosima got the bitter end of the frustration I was feeling last night. However there's no reason for me to get so upset – if I know my roommate well, next week she'll find a new toy to play with and Cosima will be out of my life for good.

I finish my coffee while I get dress in my usual weekend outfit: loose grey sweatpants and a black tank top. There's something I  _will_  miss once Cosima's gone – she makes a wicked coffee.

I stop by the kitchen again to put the mug on the sink, finding Cosima still there, on the same spot, she hasn't move an inch. I say nothing and go to the living room seating on the couch and light a cigarette while I wait for my laptop to turn on. Once it's fully functional I try to resume the work from last night.

"Aren't you gonna eat anything?" A soft voice standing by the kitchen door deviates my attention from the screen.

"I'm good, thank you." I watch her move closer to me and she sits on the low table in front of me. "Do you have to sit there?"

She opens a small grin, but it's still not like the one she usually has. "You think it can't take my weight?" Cosima hits her knuckles on it. "Looks pretty sturdy to me." I laugh a little. "Oh, so you  _do_  know how to laugh." Her smile opens a little.

"Only when it's funny." I try to compose my face again.

"You think I'm funny, then?" And her grin keeps growing.

"That's not what I said." I refocus my attention on the screen, but it's hard when I feel Cosima's eyes on me. I give her an ugly look, however it's not convincing enough because her eyes don't leave me.

"Are you gonna tell me what's so interesting on your computer?" She's leaning forward, trying to peak over the lid.

"Nothing is, that's exactly the problem." I say, but this time I don't try to keep her from looking like I did last night. She hums and keeps looking at me, expecting an explanation. I decide to give it. "I'm trying to get my thesis going, but…"

She gets up from the table, seating next to me on the couch and looks at my screen. "I don't see what's the problem, you have so much done." She leans and taps the down key making the pages go down. Cosima stops somewhere in the middle and her eyes start to read, she's quiet for some time and although I usually don't like other people looking at my papers before I complete them, I let her keep reading. I don't know why, maybe is a way to compensate for my abrasive words.

Cosima leans even more and her torso is almost all the way on top off me. "Do you want the computer?" I ask sarcastically, in an attempt to get her off me.

"Sure!" And she takes the computer off my knees. I laugh softly. "What?" Cosima asks, looking at me with a curious expression.

"Do you even understand any of that?"

"Of course I do. I'm in Microbiology too." She answers me and seems a little upset.

"You are?" I can't keep the surprise off my face. I knew she was in the same department by what she said yesterday, but I had no idea we were in the same Major.

"We even shared some classes, you know?" Her eyes keep scanning my written words.

"I'm sorry, I haven't noticed you." I try to apologize for my distracted mind.

"Well, I have noticed you!" She says. And now she is looking at me, her gaze intense. I swallow the lump I haven't realized was forming in my throat, the same way I never realized we were so close that our arms were touching and when that happens I start to feel my skin burn everywhere it's in contact with hers.

"Look at the two nerdies…" I jump at Olivia's voice and to hide my startled condition I get up. "Is Albert coming over today?" She asks seating on the couch next to Cosima.

"No, I'll meet him in the afternoon." I answer. "He had a late night sift."

"Good, that way I avoid looking at his scrawny face." My roommate says, poking her tongue out of her mouth.

Cosima's eyes don't leave the computer, but I know she's not reading - her eyes are too still and her finger is not taping vigorously the down arrow – she's most likely paying attention to our conversation.

The animosity between my boyfriend and my roommate is an old convention. Truth be told, I was never surprised by that, their personalities are the opposite of one another. While Olivia's approach on life tends to be relaxed, living the motto live and let live to the limits, Albert has a much more careful demeanor, a lot like myself. So every time he spends the night I have to become a buffer between the two of them.

"We can go lunch out, though. You can meet him after, yes?" My roommate offers.

"Sure, we can do that." I agree.

"Wanna join us, Cos?" Olivia asks her...guest.

Cosima looks at her, turning her attention away from the screen. "I can't! Saturdays is lunch with mother day." She starts to get up, placing my computer on the table. "You should go for immunology, seems to be your strongest field." She says to me, but is heading for Olivia's bedroom and doesn't look my way.

She's not two minutes there before she returns to the living room with her shoes on and a purse on her shoulder. Olivia is fast joining her by the main door step. "Will I see you tonight?"

"Hmm... I don't know. I'll call you!" Cosima says before leaving.

Olivia then sits heavily on the couch, sighing deeply. Opens a half-smile when she notices I'm staring at her. "I'm glad that you two seem to be getting along nicely. I  _really_  like her!"

I laugh gently. "I wouldn't say  _nicely,_ but not as bad. And you always say that..." My roommate's take on love is a very loose one.

She gets up and moves to her bedroom, but leaves the door open and I can hear her." I don't know, Del. She's really amazing. And I am not talking just about the sex. Cosima is fun and smart..." She's walking to the bathroom, with small-clothes in hand.

"I thought you only cared how hot she is..." I say as she passes.

"Well, a little bit of brains won't hurt..." She winks and enters the bathroom, closing the door.

I get back to the couch and to my computer. Remembering what Cosima said and noticing that the page that's on the screen was actually written when I was fumbling with the idea of making the main focus of my thesis immunology. I give it one second glance and decide to give that idea one more chance. It can't hurt.

My lunches with Olivia are always fun for the simple reason that she enjoys trying to embarrass the poor waiter that's stuck with us just a little too much.

"Tell you what." She directs to the young man who's serving us. "I'll have the oysters if you promise to take me home right after we're done with the meal."

"I... I..." He starts to stutter. "My shift doesn't end until eleven..."

"If you ask me, they're working you too hard." Olivia bats her long eyelashes. "I can help you unwind."

He's fully red and I think my friend had enough fun. "We'll have the New York strip. Thank you." I say giving him the menu and he leaves. Then I turn my attention to Olivia. "I can't believe you're not even a little sorry for the dude."

"And I can't believe you're so serious all the time." She takes a big gulp from the coke.

"And I thought you we're  _really_  into Cosima."

"Oh, I am." She laughs. "But a girl can still have some fun. Is not like I'm whipped like you."

"I'm not whipped, I just happen to be in a two-year relationship and satisfied enough not to mess with anyone else." I point out.

"Oh, don't worry I'm pretty satisfied, at least until tonight." Olivia turns around in her chair, reaching for her phone inside her purse, which is hanged on the chair. "Speaking of which, let me see if Cosima said anything yet."

"She's with her mother, right?" I try to get some information about Cosima, even though by now I know that, despite what she said, she didn't try to do the same with Olivia.

"Yeah, apparently she's local, but lives alone." Olivia's eyes are on the phone. "I don't know..." She says dismissively, placing her phone on the table. "Still nothing!"

"It's early." I observe. "Give it some time..."

The lunch drags itself for two hours, as it always does with Olivia, but today her attention is divided between me and quick glances at her phone. Maybe, this is it, maybe someone managed to steal the rebellious heart of my roommate. And I can't help but feel happy for her; it's about time. Although, part of it is also selfish: I'm tired of waking up to new faces every other month.

After lunch I leave my roommate to meet my boyfriend at the park near campus.

He opens a small smile when he sees me. "Hi, Del." He pulls me for a hug and I gratefully accept his arms around my waist.

I pull his neck down for a kiss. I'm a tall person, but he manages to be taller than me by a few inches. I pass my hand over his short blonde hair, looking at his sky-blue eyes. "I missed you this week." I say when we pull apart.

"I know. I hate to be in the graveyard shift." He says holding my hand.

We walk hand-in-hand without hurry to get anywhere. Ours was always a relation based on comfort, on understanding and companionship. We often compare our relation to a smooth cruise around the ocean, with sails wide extended and the breeze softly blowing on them, until it leads us to a safe harbor. I feel safe with him, knowing that if things turn for the worse he'll be there to support my every decision.

The afternoon draws to a close and the wind is starting to make us feel uncomfortable in the esplanade we've been seating for the better part of the afternoon, talking about our week.

"So, do we go to your place?" He asks, when we get up. "Is Saturday night, so Olivia's most likely out."

"Yeah, I bet she is." I answer, remembering my roommate's enthusiasm at lunch. "I think she has a date."

"Yeah? Who's the poor sucker of the week?" Albert has a smile, but I know better than that. He's a lot more vocal about Olivia's way of life and, quite honestly, more distasteful of it, than I am.

"Cosima. She seems like a nice girl even if a little..." I stop, looking for words.

"A little what?" He looks at me with a brow rise.

"I don't know... Quirky, I guess." Although I not entirely satisfied with my choice of words. "Anyway, she's in Microbiology as well."

"Really? Did you know her before?" We're getting closer to my place.

"No, not really." I search for my keys inside my purse and open the door.

"Hold that!" A small voice keeps me from closing the building's door.

I turn and see Cosima walking fast in our direction and it startles me that, even if I don't know her for more than two days, I can recognize her small frame in the din light of the early evening.

"Al, this is Cosima." I say without any further explanation. "Cosima, Albert, my boyfriend."

"Hello Al!" She has a weird smile, one that I haven't seen on her lips yet.

"Cosima." He greets her, extending his hand and for a few painful seconds I think Cosima will leave him hanging. But then she takes it and I release the breath I didn't know I was holding.

We take the lift and the ride up is tense. My fellow student is in front of us, closer to the door, facing it. I notice Albert sizing her up, but say nothing. We finally reach the tenth floor and I am grateful to leave the small space. I open the door, expecting to see Olivia half laid on the couch, but she's not there and there's some noise coming from her bedroom.

I hesitate for a moment before saying to my two escorts. "Wait here!"

I knock on my roommate's door and don't wait for her to give me permission before enter. Three years living together and we've seen each other in all states of undress. "Olivia?"

She's on her underwear looking at her closet with the doors open. "Oh, hey, Del. Didn't hear you coming!"

"Yeah... What are you doing?" I point my hand at her, waiting for an explanation.

"Getting ready. Cosima's coming." She tells me.

"She's here. I ran into her." I inform her. "And so is Al."

At this she twitches her nose. "So I don't get a free pass from seeing is face today." She finally settles for one of the dresses she usually reserves for special occasions.

"Hoping for a big night, huh?" I comment looking at the dress.

"Well, the hardest part is done. I  _did_  manage to get her in my bed already." She says with a chuckle.

"Right. Just hurry up!" I tell her before leaving.

I reenter the living room where Albert is seating on the couch and Cosima is in the other end of the room, looking out the window. She's not aware I'm back again and I find myself looking at her profile; there's no smile on her lips, her expression serious, like something's on her mind that's causing her brows to rise in a mask of concern. It feels weird to see this type of expression considering her usually amused mood and I feel my heart squeeze a little over what should be understandable for mere empathy.

"Is she going to take long?" Albert asks and I turn to see him.

"She's just gonna take a minute." I answer, but I'm looking at Cosima again, who turned at the sound of his voice, she's the one who's waiting for Olivia.

We're waiting in silence for my roommate to decide to join us; she's taking her sweet time. Albert grabs my hand and pulls me to the couch next to him, placing one arm over my shoulder. Cosima stares at us briefly before turning to the window again.

I'm starting to wonder if I should introduce some topic of conversation to make our stay less uncomfortable, the silence is making me unnerved. However, I really don't see what could break the silence, I don't know Cosima at all, if I'm completely honest, but I don't think the other two occupants of the room have anything in common.

Fortunately Olivia finally decides to grace us with her presence. "Alright, ready to go, Cos?" She doesn't even bother to say hi to Albert.

"Yeah!" She's smiling again and gets close to Olivia, who wraps her arm around the small woman.

"I would ask you to join us, Del, but..." Olivia doesn't finish, just points at Albert and makes an ugly face.

"Thanks..." They are leaving and I'm left alone with Albert. "Sooo... What should we do?" I whisper in his ear, putting my arms around his neck.

He gets up and moves to the kitchen. "We should have dinner."

I follow him. "That's not exactly what I have in mind." I lean against the balcony, close to him.

"I know, Del." He brushes his lips against mine as he gets to the fridge, opening it and getting some eggs out of it. "But let's eat first."

I sigh and move to one of the chairs by the kitchen table.


	4. Dinner For Three

It's not quite ten on a Sunday morning and I'm already getting up. I like to spend lazy mornings in bed, but every time Albert spends the night I'm not able to do it; it doesn't matter how the weather is, I can't spend the mornings with him in bed. I carefully move his arm out of my waist, feeling uncomfortably hot with his body pressed against mine.

After I leave the bathroom and go to the kitchen, half-expecting to have coffee ready to drink. But I'm wrong, the coffee maker is still off and there's no one in the kitchen. I start the machine and wait for it to brew, I pour myself a cup and go to the kitchen window, staring out, is a beautiful day outside. Taking a sip, I twitch my nose; this is a far cry from Cosima's.

I jump feeling hands moving around my waist. "We should go back to bed." Albert's voice in my ear.

I get out of his grasp. "I want to go outside." I say, feeling a little annoyed. For some reason I don't want him here and I walk to the living room, wishing for him to follow me.

He does. "I thought we could stay in bed a little more." Albert is moving again in my direction, but I don't let him get closer. "What's wrong?" He asks.

"Nothing!" I try not to sound too abrupt. "It's a beautiful day. We should enjoy it!" I don't know why, but his insistence is getting on my nerves and I just want him out of my house, I feel like he's invading my space. It's silly and totally unjustified, we've been dating for some time now and, even if I'm typically very possessive about my things and my space, it has been a while since I don't throw one of my tantrums on his behalf.

'You're in one of those days, huh?" Albert takes a step back, finally realizing that I'm not interested and sits heavily on the couch, his legs on top of the table.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I'm getting irritated with his dismissal manners.

"You know exactly what I mean... One day everything's fine, the next it's winter cold!" He leans and grabs my tablet that's sat on the table and presses the on button.

I move fast next to him and take the tablet out of his hands. "We were talking!"

He gets up, but our argue is cut off when Olivia opens her bedroom door and gets out of it. "Could you put some clothes on?" She asks my boyfriend, who's still in nothing but his boxers.

"Does it bother you?" He says to my roommate. "Last week I saw a guy coming out of your bedroom much more naked." He's sounding bitter by the second. "But I guess it's not the flavor of the week!"

"Albert!" I say loud, wanting him to stop. "It's none of your businesses!"

"Yeah, Del!" Olivia was moving to the bathroom. "He's definitely a keeper!" She slams the door.

"You better leave before she gets out of there!" I tell him, but he's already getting in my bedroom.

"Don't need to ask it twice!" He's dressing his jeans. "I just don't know why you can't move in with me. All this would be avoidable."

"I've told you, she can't afford the rent on her own." I give the same answer I usually do.

"That's her problem." He says putting his shirt on. "You know Del, that's starting to sound less and less like an explanation and more and more like an excuse!"

He leaves and I feel like I can breathe again. The constant fights between Olivia and Albert are getting old and maybe he's right, maybe it's not such a bad idea to move in with him, certainly these argues would end and I wouldn't have to worry about it ever again. But I just can't see myself living with him, where I wouldn't have a space to call my own. With Olivia is different, she understands that there are times I need to be alone, but my boyfriend doesn't and it's weird, we've dating for so long and there's still parts of me he doesn't begin to grasp. I can usually brush it off, however there are times I just don't have the patience.

Like today. He has no right to judge my roommate's decisions, right or wrong, their hers to make. If she's happy going about her life the way she does, who's he, or I, for that matter, to tell her what she should or shouldn't do. Olivia might be impulsive, but she's by far the best friend I've ever had. And, although ours was a somewhat imposed friendship, I learned to trust her and want nothing but to see her happy.

But now she's anything but happy, as she leaves the bathroom and goes to her room, without sharing a word with me. I follow and stand by her doorstep.

"I'm sorry!" I say, watching her get dressed.

"Why?" She asks, looking at me. "You've done nothing wrong!"

"I know, but Al..."

"Is not your problem to solve!" Olivia cuts me off. "You're not responsible for his words."

"If you say so..." I drop the subject. "Hmm... Where's Cosima?"

"She didn't want to spend the night." She answers and I notice some pain in her voice.

"Why?" I ask surprised.

"I don't know... She was fine all night, but when I asked her to come with me, she said she couldn't because she had something really important to do in the morning." Olivia finished getting dressed and is walking to the kitchen.

"What's the matter, then? If she had something to do..." I encourage.

"Yeah... I guess..." She was eating the cereals she prepared.

"Wow... You must really be into her." I observe. "You were never the type to be insecure."

"She's different." My roommate says, continuing to chew her breakfast. When she's done Olivia puts the bowl in the sink. "I'm sorry about ruining your morning with you know who."

"It's okay!" I go to the couch and she sits next to me. "Truth is, it was already ruined... Probably."

"God, I lost count of the times I censured myself for forcing you to get out that night." Olivia says. "Fucking bad luck, one of the few times you decide to come, you have to meet him."

"Don't say that, Olivia!" I tell her, pushing her close with my arm over her shoulder.

"It's true. He only got looks, everything else... whoosh..." She passes her hand over her head. "He's a total prick and it pains me you don't see that."

I don't answer, I know is useless. Besides, it's hard to disagree with her today, after what he said. We just sit there for some time and say nothing. Eventually we turned the TV on and stay there. I end up having my lazy Sunday morning, the fact that it was with my roommate and not my boyfriend, nothing but a detail.

After lunch I sense that Olivia is becoming restless and when I ask her what's upsetting her, she laughs it off. But I know her better than that and after some insistence my roommate finally folds.

"I was wondering if Cosima thought I was too desperate if I call her." She says with a little chuckle and I know she's trying hard, but Olivia couldn't hide the nervousness in her words.

"Just call her!" I tell her, a little tired of this insecure Olivia who's a total stranger to me. "If you want to get together, call her and invite her over."

"Okay, okay..." She fumbles to get the phone stable in her hands. Winking she presses sometimes on her phone's screen and I start to hear the dial tone.

Cosima takes some time to answer. "Hi, Olivia." I hear her clear and cheerful voice.

"Oh, hi Cosima." Olivia sounds stupidly surprised.

I raise both my hands and mouth "what the fuck are you doing?" But don't say it loud, I don't want Cosima to know I'm listening. I motion with my hands for Olivia to continue talking, because she had forgotten, apparently, that she's talking on the phone.

"So... I was wondering if you would like to come over!" Olivia manages to say, but she's amazingly red.

"Hmmm... I don't know! I'm kind of swamped!" Says the voice on the other end.

My roommate goes mute again, but after a few painfully long seconds she says. "Delphine and I really want you to come over, we're trying a new meatloaf recipe and we need a guinea pig!" Olivia talks fast and I can do nothing to make her stop without giving away that I've been hearing the entire time.

"I thought you said Delphine was going to be busy with shitface all day?" Cosima says and I immediately look at Olivia who gives me an apologetic smile.

But I'll not let it go so easily. "You're on speaker!" I say loud and I know I don't need to say anything else.

"Oh, shit!" I hear from the other end, but Cosima is giggling and doesn't seem the least bothered. "Sorry!"

"No, you're not!" Looking again to my roommate and I see she has her hands together in a pleading gesture. "But you still should come over." I say.

Silence. Then. "Okay! But I won't get free until eight."

"That's perfect!" Olivia answers and after a few more words ends the call. "Thank you!" She tells me and gives me a quick peck on the cheek.

"Shitface, huh? That's a new one!" I get up and get one cigarette out of the pack.

"You know me, I'm always innovating!" She laughs.

"Yeah? Well, you better innovate a meatloaf recipe, because I have no idea how to make that!" I light up, looking at her.

"You don't know?" Her face's alarmed and she gets up from the couch like she's going somewhere.

"No!" I keep calmly smoking. "I'm French, meatloaf is as American as apple pie, which, by the way, I know how to do! What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't, I just needed a reason to get her here!" And she's pacing back and forth in our living room. "How can you be so calm?"

"Why should I get nervous? You're the one who wants to get in her pants...again!" I keep looking at her with an amused expression. "But fine, I'll help you!" I get my tablet from the table and hand it to her. "Look for recipes! Next we need to shop, because, even if I don't know how to do that, I know we don't have what we need."

Olivia wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me for another kiss to the cheek. "Thanks! You're the best!"

"I know!"

The next few hours have absolutely nothing to do with a relaxed Sunday. We went shopping for anything we needed to make dinner and Olivia made sure we had plenty of wine to accompany the  _excellent meatloaf_  we would cook.

"Are you sure this is what it said to do?" I ask suspiciously. There's something about this recipe that doesn't sit well with me.

"Of course! Do you think I don't know how to read?" Olivia looks a little offended that I doubt her culinary abilities. I won't say anything else, even if the memory of the last meal we ate cooked by her is very vivid on my taste buds.

It was almost eight and I had to admit it did smell good. I was finishing the mashed potatoes when Cosima knocked and I let Olivia go to the door. They're talking in the leaving room for some time and I could clearly distinguish the voices of my roommate and Cosima, even though they reached my ears somewhat muffled.

I'm busy stirring to make sure the potatoes don't burn. "I'm sorry about earlier!" I turn and see Cosima standing by the door. "You know about the shitface thing!"

I keep staring at her, not knowing what to say. What do you say to something like that anyway? She's staring back, moving closer to me, looking deep into my eyes, but she's undisturbed, the smile on her lips is a constant and it's unsettling me.

Her eyes leave mine and look down at the pot. "Don't burn that!" Pointing at it. I manage to shift my eyes down and restart stirring. "So... That's not the meatloaf?"

"No, mashed potatoes." I avoid her gaze. "Olivia's the one who's responsible for the meatloaf!"

"Hmm... Divide and conquer!" Cosima moves her hand in the direction of the pot and I know what she pretends to do, so I shove her hand away with a little slap. "Ouch!"

"Be patient!" I tell her but I'm smiling and I can't stop doing it, don't know why, but it feels comfortable having her here. She's moving closer and leans on the counter, her eyes' attention between my face and the pot. "What?" I dare look at her eyes again.

"You're incredibly cute when you're focused on something." Her voice is low, little more than a whisper and I can feel my face heating up and know that it has nothing to do with being close to the burners.

"Do you enjoy embarrass me?" I keep looking at her big brown eyes, which doesn't improve my redness.

"Yeah, I do!" Cosima is always smiling and I really don't know what to do with her. I hate that she has the ability to leave me speechless, it doesn't happen often and the reason why it's happening now is leaving me restless. "I should go back to the living room!" She finally gets some distance between us. "Don't let it burn!" She points once more to the pot that I forgot to stir again.

I turn off the fire, it's more than ready. Waiting for my body's temperature to get back to normal, I move for the fridge to get a bottle of the white wine which has been seating there all afternoon and get three glasses from the cabinet. As I enter the leaving room I see my roommate and Cosima shamelessly making out in the couch, Olivia's hands griping the little brunette's waist, pulling her closer.

It's not the first time I see my roommate in a...compromising position. God, it's not even the tenth, but there's a little shock in my heart. I put it aside and clear my throat to get their attention. Cosima jumps with the noise, quickly getting up and I see a guilty look on her, which is uncharacteristic of her. For all the times, with all the inappropriate things she has said to me, she chooses now to feel guilty.

I force myself to smile and put the glasses on top of the coffee table. "I thought it was a good idea to start with some wine, to...break the ice." I look at Olivia, who's not nearly as disturbed as her smooching partner. "But I seem to be a little late for all that!" In try to joke it off; I don't want Cosima to feel unwelcome.

"Always thinking about others, aren't you Del?" Olivia says, getting up as well and taking the bottle of my hands to pour the wine in the three glasses, handing one to me and another to Cosima, who's standing by the window, her eyes not leaving me until Olivia gives her the glass, when her stare shifts to my roommate and the smile, which was hidden, reapers, but not as wide as usual.

"Shouldn't you check on the meatloaf? Is still on the oven!" I say to Olivia.

She rushes to the kitchen with a "oh fuck!"

"I'm sorry about that!" Cosima says when we're alone. For the first time she seems to mean it.

"It's okay! It's not the first time it happens!" I give a soft laugh, but it's shaky and awkward.

"I bet!" She comments and laughs as well.

"I mean, it's not like it happens all the time!" Now I think I could've put Olivia in trouble, leading Cosima to believe it happens all the time, which doesn't. "But I've lived with Olivia long enough to have seen it before, you know. We're very open about our relationships with one another... Not like shearing every detail, but we talk. We're friends and living together has these consequences!" I cannot stop talking and it's getting more embarrassing with every word. "Although her love life tends to be much more eventful than mine. But not over the top, just..."

"Okay, you need to stop!" Cosima raises her hands and her laughs get louder. "You need to learn to stop while you're ahead!"

I take a deep breath. "What I mean is that Olivia seems to like you quite a lot, like..." I stop and roll my free hand in the air, looking for the right words.

"Like making up a dinner to get me here!" She completes and I think I didn't hide very well my surprise, because she scoffs. "C'mon, give me a little credit! What surprises me is that  _you_  went along with it. I thought you didn't particularly like me!" Cosima gives two little steps in my direction and her voice drops.

We're close enough to have a conversation in a tone that won't reach the kitchen. "Well, she really likes you!" I repeat. "And it's not that I don't like you, but you're terrible at making first impressions."

She laughs softly and the sound of it seems to echo in my head. "Yeah, you're not then first person to say it."

"Maybe you should work on it." I find myself giving one step in her direction.

"Why?" Cosima raises her brows and her body leans closer to me. "First impressions are just that, people tend to give them too much importance!"

I take a sip from the wine forgotten in my hands until this moment. But I need to get something in my throat to keep it from going as dry as it is now. Cosima mimics me, but her eyes don't leave mine. "It puts people off!" I reestablish the line of conversation we were having.

"Did it put you off?" She asks and, even though her question makes perfect sense considering what we're discussing, I feel like there's a double meaning to her words.

My response to her question is involuntarily gulping the entire content of my glass.

"Looks like someone is thirsty!" My roommate's voice comes to me and I turn rapidly, relief to see that she's smiling, meaning she wasn't hearing our conversation. "The amazing dinner's ready!" Olivia announces, her smile growing.

We decide to eat at the larger table in our living room. I notice my roommate's anxious expression as her guest takes a fork to her mouth and tastes the food. Cosima's expression gives nothing away, probably because she knows she's being closely observed.

Cosima sets the fork in her plate and slowly takes a sip from her glass. I think I see an amusement playing in her eyes, like she's teasing us. "Well..." She snaps her tongue a few times, her hands deliberately on top of the table. "I have no idea how your other recipe was, but this one..." She pretends to be looking for words. "Is just... Awful!" She laughs.

Olivia laughs as well, but I see she's hiding a concerned expression. "How bad?" My roommate asks.

"Let me put it this way." Cosima explains. "If the other one is eatable, I would keep it!"

"Oh, c'mon Cosima, it's not that bad!" I try to help Olivia, even though the brunette is right. "I don't think we'll die from this."

"Thanks!" There's a bitterness in Olivia's voice that I don't hear often. Then she gets up and leaves to the kitchen.

I glance at Cosima who's staring down at her plate with a frowned face. "Excuse me." I say getting up and moving to kitchen for some damage control. I see that Olivia is taking out of the fridge another bottle of wine. "At least we've plenty of that!" I say to her and she turns.

"Yeah..." She murmurs, but her face is serious.

"Olivia is not that bad! Really!" I try to cheer her up. "We were just joking. And I don't think Cosima's the kind of person to stop seeing you just because you can't cook."

"I know, but..." She gets close to me. "I just wanted to... You know... Make a good impression."

"You don't need to know how to cook to make a good impression!" I get near her and surround her with my arms. "Just be your sweet self. You've done the hardest part, remember!"

"I guess..." Olivia says, but she's not fully convinced.

"C'mon, let's go back." I push her. "I don't know much about hostess etiquette, but I think leave your guest unattended is a cardinal sin."

We move back to the leaving room and Cosima is still seating. "Sorry about the food!" Olivia says when the petit woman turns at the sound of our footsteps. "But, hey... Desert will be much better; we bought it already made!"

"Glad to hear it!" Cosima answers and opens a modest grin.

But she's more careful with her words, clearly affected by my roommate's little outburst from earlier. It bugs me a little, tough, to see Cosima's disposition taking a turn for the worst and deep down I can't help but blame Olivia for it. Shouldn't she, at least to some extent, predict something like that could happen? I mean, it's not like she had a lot of practice cooking, usually is me that does that when we eat in.

Then it hits me: what the hell am I thinking? I should be worried about my roommate, who I know and am friends with for nearly three years, not Cosima, who I just met and means nothing to me other than being the reason why Olivia has been acting so unlike herself lately.

However, as the evening progresses Cosima's mood improves and she's almost like herself. Almost… There's still some thought put into her words and she keeps staring at me, when Olivia's not looking, with a wary expression in her eyes. Although I have no idea what it means, I can assume she's wondering if she's getting herself in a relation with an, somewhat, unstable woman. Which I would totally understand; Olivia has been acting so odd this night. But that's not like how she is at all; my roommate is usually a very relaxed person, a lot like Cosima, if I think about it carefully. There's no reason for her to be acting like this.

Glancing at the clock I notice it's past eleven and figure is time to give them some space. I get up. "Alright! That's it for me tonight!"

"Yeah, me too!" Cosima gets up as well.

"No, please stay! I need to go to sleep because I have class early tomorrow, but you should stay." I tell her.

"Well, I have class too! Remember! We go to the same place…" She says with a smile.

"Right!" But I start to move to my bedroom. "Good night!" I shut the door. At least I can give them some privacy, so they can say their goodbye's.


	5. She's a Bitch!

The next few weeks were calm and I took the chance to advance in my thesis. Don't know what made it possible, but I must have been in a good place because had a burst of inspiration and was progressing fast with my work. I've decided to follow Cosima's advice and go with immunology and once that was settled the words just started to flow and I was well on my way to meet the deadline to present the work.

However my burst of inspiration did not have my roommate's company and I was starting to get worried. Olivia might not show it often, but I know she also wants to enter the PhD program and there's no way she is going to make it if she continues to disregard her responsibilities. Lately she was spending too many nights out and cutting classes too much, even for her loose standards. I know it was because of Cosima; the brunette has not called her since the night she came over to dinner and, as far as I know, they haven't met either.

I have no idea why Cosima was acting like that, never thought she was the kind of person to do this, to cut someone from the root and just stop call abruptly. Then again I never got to know her all that well. Regardless, I was not surprised it happened; no matter how long you know a person you can still get disappointed, let alone when you barely know them. But, even so, I was still upset with the little brunette, how could she do that? Sure, Olivia has her little issues (who doesn't?), but she's a kind person, who doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

While my roommate was crumbling to pieces my relation with Albert was flourishing. Eventually he got over from whatever it happened between us and we got back to our normal gentle breeze. I couldn't help but think it was somewhat related with Olivia's bad mood. He seemed to be happy when I told him about how things between her and Cosima fell apart and did not refrain to be very vocal about his thoughts. It annoyed me and sent Olivia's nerves through the roof, but I ignored it. There was no way I was going to choose sides in this fight.

Things would get back to normal. Eventually. I was sure pretty soon Olivia would get back to her old self and go back to her crazy life routine. And once that happens she will stop duck her head every time Albert makes a less than nice remark. Not that I wanted that, no that's definitely not it, but it would be a sign I had my roommate back.

It was a Tuesday when I returned home from another day at school and found Olivia, still in her pj's, laid on the couch, surfing through channels that I decided I had enough.

I shut the door violently and say to her in a harsh voice. "How long do you pretend to keep this up?"

She looks at me startled. "What do you mean?"

"This!" I say to her, keeping the tone of my voice loud, my hand pointing at her. "I want my old friend back! She's not worth it, you know. If Cosima stopped calling than it's because she can't see what an amazing person you are."

"You don't understand." She's still looking at me, but her expression has shifted and I know she's about to cry. "She's..."

"Incredible, awesome..." I cut her off. "Yeah, yeah... I know all about that. But tell me: If she's so amazing how come she's acting like such a bitch?" I ask bluntly. "Forget about Cosima and move on!"

"It's not that simple!" Turning off the TV, Olivia gets up.

"Why not? It has never been a problem for you before."

My roommate stares at me hurtful. "Thanks! You've been learning a lot from that douchebag of a boyfriend of yours!" She throws the remote to the couch and starts to walk to her bedroom.

"That's so not what I meant!" I follow her, but stop before enter her bedroom. "It's just... Merde... Listen, I understand Cosima got to you bad, but if she's not willing..." I stop, looking for the right words. "Why should you be stuck with her when she's not going to do the same for you?"

"I just don't understand why she would lead me on if she was not interested!" Olivia is calming down and her words, instead of hurt, are starting to sound bitter. "I mean, you don't want nothing, fine! We had a good time, but that was it. I could understand that... I've done that; time and time again. But for a moment she made me believe there was something else there."

"Right!" I'm happy she's starting to see my point of view. "That only proves my theory"

"Yeah! She's a bitch!" Olivia says conclusively.

"She's a bitch!" I agree. "Now, c'mon let's go out to dinner! We need to celebrate this revelation."

"Wow, you must be really happy with this!" She starts to move to her closet, taking a dress out of it. "Wanting to go out on a school night."

"That's because I just want to see you happy." I start to leave to get ready. "But just dinner! I want to go to class tomorrow." I shout back.

During dinner Olivia's mood improved greatly, although that was probably due to the generous amount of wine we both consumed with our meal. I know tomorrow morning I'm going to regret this, but now it feels just fine.

The next day I was feeling like crap, as I knew I would and the day was long, the classes dragging on and a blistering head ache never left me all day. After class, I was on my usual seat in the library reviewing the day's classes when an annoying giggle resounds over the high ceilings of the room. I look around, not sure from where it comes. Not finding its origin I get back to work.

A few moments later and the sound returns. For instants I think that, in my less than blissful state, I'm hearing things, but scanning the seats around me I notice the sound is also annoying other people. It's not long before I see a tall girl with a long blond hair make her way out of the long row of bookshelves in one of the darkest corners of the library. And, no matter how much she tries to play it easy, I think everyone notices her get out with shaky legs and flustered face. It's obvious to everyone what had happened and I still don't understand how can anyone put themselves in that position.

However, after some whispering and comments were exchanged, the usual silence returns to the library. I try to take advantage of the peace while it lasts and get back to my notes. But there's something wrong, I can't concentrate and have the strangest feeling I'm being watched. I look around but see nothing worth of notice; everyone is interested in their studies or at least pretending they are well enough for me not suspect anything. I force my head down and my eyes to stay focused in my work.

Having enough of trying to work and don't succeed, I gather my things and start to leave. Passing by many desks occupied, there's only one that gets my attention. Cosima is seated not too far from the main door and next to her, leaning and whispering something in her ear, is the tall blonde who left the bookshelves not too long ago. I am fastening my pace and push the door to leave, wanting to get out as quickly as possible.

I'm closing the door to exit the main building when I hear. "Hi, Delphine! Wait up!"

But I don't slow down, in fact I move even faster. I definitely don't want to talk with Cosima right now. However, she gets near me and grabs my wrist as soon as I reach outside. I turn and face her. "What?" I say brusquely.

She's taken aback from my rasped tone and her hand leaves my arm. "Just... Wanna say hi."

Cosima opens her characteristic smile, but I'm not going to let it captivate me, like it has done before. "Hi!" I spit. "There! Happy?"

"What's wrong?" Her smile quickly fades her face as she notices my disposition.

"You can't be serious!" I get closer to her. "How dare you ask me that, after what you've done to Olivia?"

Cosima takes a step back and I can sense she's a little intimidated by my mood. "I've done nothing wrong. She knew what it was from the start! It's not my fault Olivia misinterpreted our... You know."

Her hands keep moving as she talks and I stupidly find myself distracted by the movements. "Well, she did." I manage to say. "Can you blame her? You go out three nights in a row and even go to dinner at her place. If it was you, what would you have thought?" I start to walk again, trying to leave.

"Shit... I know okay!" Cosima is moving next to me, fighting to keep up with my rapid pace. "I never wanted that. But she kept calling and..."

"And what?" I stop suddenly and she stops with me. I look hard at her. "You thought why not continue to play along?"

"Of course not!" She's upset with this conversation. "I wanted to stop seeing her, but..." Cosima shakes her head and all the dreads move around her small face. "You know what? Never mind... It doesn't matter."

"That's just it, right? It doesn't matter because you don't care about how you make other people feel." I keep going, laying on her all my thoughts, my filter's long gone. "As long as you have your fun, everything is good. When you're done, you move on to the next one. Like that girl from the library. Are you gonna do the same with her?"

Cosima takes a step back again, but now is not because she's surprised by my words, I think she's getting ready for a fight; her expression is a decisive one. "Are you even hearing yourself? You're being a fucking hypocrite. So... Let me see if I get this right: when Olivia does it it's all fine, but when is someone else... Hmm... Not so good!"

I don't say a word for a while, considering what she told me. "She never hurts other people."

"And how do you know that?" The girl answers fast. "Do you know them? Have you talked with them after Olivia's done with them?" She's starting to make me feel guilty; she's right and I know it, I just never thought about it this way. Cosima's eyes soften and her voice drops back to her normal tone. "I'm not trying to make you feel like crap, okay! But you're being unfair. I never wanted to hurt Olivia, that's why I tried to stay away from her and then you told me she really likes me and... Well, I thought it was better to cut it off completely."

"You could have called her!" I say a little calmer.

"Okay, do you want me to call her?" She looks around her pockets. "Shit... My phone's inside. Can I borrow yours?"

"You better be joking!" I can't believe that I'm fighting back a smile.

"No, not at all..." Her face is serious and her hand is extended, waiting for me to give her my phone. I restart to walk away. "Hey, Delphine c'mon... Why do you have to be like that?" Cosima calls back after me.

"She's my friend and you hurt her. That's why!" I answer not slowing down my pace.

But she moves fast to my front, stopping me with her hands on my shoulders, which she removes as soon as I take a step back. "Can I get your number?" She has the audacity of asking.

I laugh bitterly. " _Now_  you better be kidding!" And take a step to the side so she's out of my way.

"No! I'm not!" Cosima persists. "I could use some help with immunology and by what I saw, you can handle yourself in that." But I continue walking away. "I can ask Olivia for it, you know!"

I turn to face her with my most austere look. "You will  _not_  do that!"

"Wanna try me?" She asks challengingly.

"Please..." I roll my eyes. "You didn't even have the nerve to ask her my name!"

"You're right..." She shakes her head again. "Bad idea. I don't know what I was thinking." Her eyes are locked on the ground and she starts to walk back, leaving my side. Shaking her head to herself.

My heart sinks, for some reason I don't want her to leave my side. I want to be the one to leave her hanging, not the other way around. I feel like I've just lost a battle, even if I've said everything I wanted to her.


	6. Round One

When I arrive home I say nothing to Olivia about my encounter with Cosima, there's no point in it. I know it will only aggravate her further and I don't want that, especially now that my roommate seems to start to get over it. So I just share a few circumstantial words with her before going back to work until it's time to dinner.

However, she can feel something is wrong with me. I'm lost in my thoughts, Cosima's words echoing in my head.

"Is everything alright? You've been very quiet today." Olivia asks me when we're eating in silence.

"Yeah, sure. Just..." But I stop, I don't know how to speak my thoughts without sounding too judgmental.

"Is it Albert? Did his stupidity finally get to you?" She's laughing smoothly and I genuinely enjoy it. It's nice to hear her laugh again, to see her face lighting up, even if it's at the expenses of my boyfriend.

"No, we're good. More than good, actually." I answer and she scowls. "It's really about..." I hesitate once more.

"Jeez, Del! It's fine... You can tell me whatever." Olivia assures me. "I would rather hear about how you and Albert are close to an end, but..."

"We're not close to an end!" My roommate twitches her nose as if she got a bad smell near her. "Have you ever thought about the girls and guys you go out with, but never call back?" I ask bluntly, like ripping a band-aid.

She reclines in the chair and remains in silence for some time. "Yeah, sure!" She starts. "I even cross paths with them from time to time. Although most of the times we pretend we don't know each other."

"That's kind of sad, non?" Her frown turns a little deeper and I know I have to explain myself. "I mean, you share something incredibly personal and then go to not meet at all."

"I see your point, but this is all about the way we face sex. We're different, you and I." My roommate is about to explain her theory and she raises her hands. "Okay, for you sex is something that needs to be accompanied by deep feelings and an amazing connection with the counterpart."

"I fail to see where that's wrong!" I defend myself.

"I'm not saying it is... Just different!" She proceeds. "For me sex is something that requires a connection, sure. But it's a connection that's a lot more instant, it's in the moment. If you feel that click why deny yourself the pleasure?"

"Instant gratification." I murmur.

"Sure. Call it all you want." She winks at me. "But you should try it someday, you get some amazing surprises."

"And some not so good, I bet." I tell her giggling. "And you know I have a boyfriend."

"So? I won't tell him." Olivia bursts into laughs and I can't help but do the same.

Her good mood is contagious. I put aside the reason why this conversation started, my roommate is slowly but surely returning to her old self and pursue my initial intention will achieve nothing but reopen a wound that's still too fresh. Our talk continues light while she shares some of her "not so good surprises" stories.

Another week passes by and the whole Cosima story seems to be put to rest. Olivia returns to her normal schedule, attending the classes that she doesn't considers total bores. And I enjoy it, the calmness of my life agrees with my thesis on the works, the only problem is Albert. The more I'm involved in my studies the more he complains that I'm not spending enough time with him.

Olivia and I are in the cafeteria having lunch, while I'm on the phone with him. "I know Al, but this is really important to me and you know it's time-consuming."

"Yeah, but I barely see you and this week I'm working days and thought we could go out to dinner or something." His voice is demanding on my ear.

"We  _can_  go to dinner!" I tell him, like I did yesterday. "Just... it has to be quickly." Olivia is in front of me with a mocking smile and rolling her eyes.

"I don't get it!" He keeps pushing. "Is it too much to ask to have a night out with my girlfriend?"

"No, okay!" And now my friend is making a blabbing sign with her free had. I shove her hand for her to stop. "Listen, why don't you meet me here at the library and when I'm done we can go out, okay?"

"Fine! I'll be there at five!" He ends the call and I release a deep sigh, holding myself not to throw the phone at the table.

"See... What I told you?" Olivia says, earning an ugly look from my end.

"He's entitled to be upset. He's my boyfriend and lately we've hardly seen each other." I defend him.

"He's entitled to shit!" She answers me. "He should understand that school is more important than his needs right now!"

"It's not that simple." I tell her and get back to my almost cold meal.

The library is half filled, as it usually is at the end of the day. I'm trying to work fast, while Albert is seated in front of me, reading one of his enormous textbooks. I told him to take the chance that he is here and study. After all, that's why these walls were built. But I'm feeling too restless for the work I pretend to get done today. I don't like to study with people I know around, not even Olivia. Not that she would want to join me and it's not only because today Albert's with me. The same way I can only study in places that were designed with that intent, she only likes to do it in places that are the least likely to have people with study books in them; like noisy coffeehouses.

I decide that is best to leave, but before I do I'll have to check out a book that I need. I'll go over it when I get home later tonight. Albert might not like that he can't spend the night, but he has to understand that he can't have it both ways: he either gets me during the afternoon or he gets me during the night.

I approach the front desk of the library and am not surprised to see Cosima in an animated chat with Mrs. Croft. I've been seeing her every day lately, after class she's always here, either talking with the librarian, like now or at one of the empty desks studying, I imagine. Always alone, the tall blonde from the other day was never seen again, at least while I'm in. I know Cosima has seen me, sometimes I catch her looking my way and when our eyes meet she gives me one of her cocky smiles, but she never comes to where I am. Her vaguely acknowledgement sometimes stings me, but mostly I'm pleased that she's respecting my wishes and stays away.

"Hi! I'd like to check out a book please." I say to Mrs. Croft when I get close to them, placing the student's card on top of the table. Immediately Cosima seizes my card and looks at the picture with a raised brow, one of the corners of her lips up. I ignore her and patiently wait until she's satisfied and with a grin hands the card to Mrs. Croft, who hasn't said a thing. When it is given to me, I fill the little form with the information of the book I want to take.

The older woman is starting to get up to get my book, but Cosima stops her. "It's okay, G. I got this!" Cosima takes the paper from me and motions me to follow her. "This way!"

I don't like it, but I do as she says, walking behind her. At this point I just want to get this over with as fast as possible. We are moving along corridors of bookshelves, Cosima's not saying anything as she goes, just occasionally looking at the paper that she's holding. The other hand has the keys that Mrs. Croft gave her, the keys chain rotating in her finger.

"Alright, it's here!" She announces when she stops near one shelf. The keys jingle as she opens the glass cabinet and she scans the books. "That one at the top. Can you take it off? I can't reach it."

I raise my hand and reach it. "Perhaps if you've let Mrs. Croft do her job this wouldn't be necessary." I take the book and hold it close to my chest.

"It wouldn't make any difference, she's small like me." My escort says without a hint of resentment. "Besides, I needed a good reason to get you lost in the mist of the bookshelves with me." And she winks.  _She fucking winks_!

"If you think I'm one of your toys you're very mistaken!" I say acidly. "And you know I've got a boyfriend. In fact, he's here with me."

"Oh, I've seen him... He's a lovely character." She comments ironically.

"Who the fuck do you think you are to talk of him like that?" She's getting to my nerves again and I can do nothing to stop her. "He's a good guy, who's working hard in his medical degree."

"Of course he is!" Cosima's voice doesn't lose the mocking tone. "And I bet he's the picture perfect for your husband to be."

I stay quiet for a while. Why the hell does she has this ability, to push my buttons in every wrong way. "At least Albert is not in the business of hurting people!" I finally manage a weak comeback.

"Hey, c'mon! That's a low blow." Cosima pretends she's offended, but I know from her expression that she's enjoying this little exchange and it only makes me burn hotter. "I've told you that was never my intention."

I look around us, there's no one here and suddenly I'm very much aware that we're very much alone in a dark corner of the library. "Then you should have never accepted the offer to dinner." I say, starting to walk in the direction of the area where I know there are people.

"I was not there to see her." Cosima is walking next to me.

"Why were you there, then?" I ask, my eyes turned to her.

"Well, I wasn't there for the meatloaf either."

I stop in my tracks while she keeps walking, not bothering to wait for me. Cosima keeps going as if what she said was the most natural thing in the world, doesn't look back to see my reaction. Nothing! It takes me a few seconds to regain myself and restart walking after her, but I lost sight of the brunette dreadlocks and take some time to get to the desks' area.

I look around and see her near the desk where Albert is. It appears she's talking with him. I approach them, my hands holding the book for dear life, as if the knowledge it holds can save me from this predicament.

"We simply must do it!" Cosima is saying and her voice is sweet as honey, a little pitch in it that I know it's forced.

"Hmm... Sure! Why not?" Albert says. His eyes move my way when he notices me.

"Do what?" I ask and I don't remember being so afraid of an answer in a long time.

"Dinner together." My boyfriend explains.

"Yeah! I just can't wait to hear about how exciting it is to go to medical school." Cosima is looking at me as she says this, her voice in the same tone.

I know she's joking, making fun of him, but there's nothing I can say that won't sound too weird. I really don't want to give away the type of conversation Cosima and I had just a little while ago. "That would be great!" I'm not willing to fold. "And you can bring someone." I say to the little brunette, who's looking at me with an amused grin.

"Hm-mh... I'm pretty sure I can find someone to endure me for one night."

_Merde!_  I really thought I had her. I don't want to go on a double date with her.  _Shit, Shit, SHIT_...

"Give me your number so we can make all the arrangements!" She's already taking off her phone from her pocket.

I do it. Chastising myself for getting in this situation.

After we trade numbers, Cosima leaves us and gets back next to Mrs. Croft, giving her the keys. That damn, stupid smile on her face. I tell Albert that it's time for us to go and he's more than happy with the news. Before we get out he ridiculously stops near Cosima.

"So... See you soon, I guess!" He says in a goodbye manner.

"You bet, Al!" It's her answer.


	7. The Double Date From Hell

I arrive home and am happy to see that Olivia's still out, I really don't know how I would be able to face her after what happened this afternoon.

I feel tired and decide to take a long shower to try to take away some of the exhaustion that's clung to my limbs. The dinner with Albert was...awkward, to say the least. He was pissed because I told him he couldn't spend the night and I was pissed because he was stupid enough to walk right into Cosima's trap. Although I really couldn't blame him: he was totally oblivious to her intentions.

_And what were her intentions?_  I've made very clear that I was not willing to be one of her puppets that she could play with and then toss aside when she got tired. I know her kind; I live with her kind. And if nothing else, she's the one that made me see how bad this kind of games can end. She played them with Olivia and, for a while, my roommate played with her, in the same sync, but then everything turned to shit, when it got serious on one end. And why the hell am I thinking about this? Like this? I want nothing to do with Cosima! NOTHING!

I leave the shower feeling even more worked up than when I walked in. After getting inside my pj's, I go get the book that I checked out from the library and my phone and settle in the couch to get some work done. But before I open the book I check my phone to see if Albert is already home; he texts me every time. There are two messages, one from my boyfriend, confirming he is indeed home and one from Cosima. "So how are we gonna do this?" it read.

I'm paralyzed, staring at the screen of my phone, doing nothing for a long time, thinking of any way to get out of this situation. "You have some nerve!" I text back and wait for her reply. It comes quickly: "Tell me you don't like it not even a little bit!" And there's a smile creeping in my lips, still I text: "I DON'T LIKE IT!"; "LIAR!", she texts back.

I put the phone down, decided not to continue this conversation. I open the book and look for the chapter I'm supposed to go over tonight. But after a few minutes the phone vibrates and the screen is showing a call from Cosima. I reject it. "Pick up!" Her text comes soon after. "Why?" I text. "I want to talk with you!" and I just don't know how to take it, I don't know how to deal with Cosima, not since I met her. "You need to stop this", I text back after a few minutes. "Do you REALLY want me to? Say it and I'll stop!"

_Putain!_  I keep staring at her last text for so long that the screen of my phone turns off. The screen lights up again when she tries to call once more and I just keep looking at it; her name flashing; red or green; answer or reject; accept or deny. Until it stops. "We should do it Saturday." I text. "Fine! Let me know the place and the time and I'll be there." That's the last I hear of her all night.

That was the last I heard from her all week. Apart from the few texts we exchanged to get everything up, she never tried to call again or sent any other messages. I don't know how to feel about it, but I know one thing: no chance I can let Olivia know what's going on. If she does there's no saying how she could take this. It's awful and I feel like a dick, keeping this from my friend. And I feel lost. And I feel overwhelmed. And I feel like there's something squeezing inside me, gripping my every organ and I can't talk with my best friend about it and there's no way I can let Albert know about it.

Most of all I feel lonely in my agonizing indecision. Why couldn't I just have told her to stop? That I don't want her attention? Why is it so hard, so painful to think that she could go away? I know I don't want her like that, but, somehow, I can't bear the thought of not seeing her again, of not look at that smile, that stupid, idiot, adorable smile ever again. And if I don't want her like that, then how do I want her? What is  _like that_?! What is  _that_? What the actual fuck am I thinking!?

Right now I decide that I just need to concentrate and get this goddamn dinner over with and move on. That's exactly it! That's what I keep reminding myself until the weekend rolls by and it's Saturday night and I'm getting ready for Albert to pick me up.

I'm jittery and take forever to choose what to wear, finally settling for one of my nicest dresses and one of my favorites too. It's dark blue, close fitted, I top it off with a dark red coat and my best pair of black high heels. My roommate whistles when I leave the bedroom.

"Looking nice, Del!" She says with a smile. "But I think it's a little too much just for a dinner out with the boyfriend."

I've told her that was all that is, a nice night out with Albert. "Just because we're already dating, doesn't mean I can't put on an effort." I tell her, hoping she won't see pass my charade. "Besides, we're going to a nice place. Can't be parading in jeans and a t-shirt."

"Of course he would want to take you to a  _nice_  place." Olivia mocks. "Wouldn't want to take the girlfriend to a burger joint!"

"Whatever!" I grab my keys and rush down, Albert's already waiting for me and won't come up.

But as the elevator makes its slow descend to the lobby my concern grows. Yeah, I never doubt Albert would pick some place like that for us to go out. He likes to show he can afford it and, to be honest, I got used to it, after all it's not a crime to enjoy good food in a luster environment. However, I have no idea how Cosima is going to take it. I have no idea what kind of places she usually goes to, but if she met Olivia in a night out then I doubt she and Albert have the same likes. When I texted her the info she made no comment, just said she would be there. Maybe she doesn't even know what type of place it is.

And now, leaving the building and giving a quick kiss to Albert, I'm just concerned. I should've told her something about it, say it was a nice place and she should dress up a little. But now it's just too late.

I'm silent all the way to the restaurant and my boyfriend doesn't seem to mind. Apart from the usual commentaries he's silent as well. I know why I'm quite, I'm nervous, not that I'll admit to anyone, but I haven't got a clue why he is also.

"You're very quiet." I comment in an attempt to relief some of my anxiety.

"Oh… It's just been a long week." He's clearly distracted with something else.

I ran my hand through his hair. "It's okay. We'll just have fun tonight. Relax!" I say, although I seriously doubt my own words.

"Yeah, this should be fun." He glances at me briefly while we're stopped at a red light. "Did you warn Cosima about this place?"

"No, I forgot!" I retrieve my hand from his head and we're moving again, getting closer to our destination.

"Mh-hm…" It's the only thing coming out of his mouth that resembles an answer.

As soon as we arrive Albert goes directly to the attendant who's responsible for the reservations and tells her his name. Within two minutes we are seated in a very nice table and the menus are placed in front of us, a waiter graciously waiting, with pad and pen in hand, for our order.

"We're expecting two more people." My boyfriend tells him and the waiter immediately gets the meaning that he's supposed to return as soon as we are joined by Cosima and her companion. It's something that comes natural to Albert, mastered with many years of going to places like this, to make other people understand what he wants with little effort. He exudes the confidence of someone who was born and raised to lead. "Do you know who she's bringing?" His voice refocuses my attention.

"Who?...Cosima?" He nods. "No! I don't even know for sure if she's bringing anyone at all." I answer him.

"Why wouldn't she? A nice meal all paid for… I'm sure she has plenty of friends who would want to dip in." Albert says sarcastically.

"First, she doesn't know you're paying. Second, if she doesn't know the place then Cosima has no idea if the meal will be good or shity." I'm a little upset with his tone and I let him know.

"Alright, alright… No need to get all vulgar." He tells me with a manner that I don't like. I know he doesn't enjoy when I swear and that was probably why I did it, but he won't raise his voice, not in a place like this; he's too polite.

We wait a little longer in an uncomfortable silence. He keeps looking at his watch; she's late and he hates when people don't arrive on time. Finally, fifteen minutes passed the time we had agreed on, Cosima arrives and behind her is a tall, lean woman, dark-skin, soft features, elegantly dressed in a white and black dress. I feel a pang in my chest; somehow I thought Cosima would come alone.

She catches me staring at the other girl. "Delphine, this is Jen. Jen, Delphine." Cosima says with a little smile. "And that's Al, Delphine's boyfriend."

Albert welcomes them, but is fast to sit back down, still a little annoyed that Cosima left him waiting. We all sit as well and the waiter is fast to rejoin our table placing one menu in front of each of us.

"Hi, Cosima, I didn't know you were coming today." The waiter says, looking at the small brunette.

"Yeah, the reservation was in someone else's name." She tells him and he gives her an open smile before leaving again. I'm staring at her in confusion and she opens a grin, looking back at me for long seconds, but when she speaks is directly to Albert. "My dad is a chef here. Which reminds me: the meal is on the house."

I give her a second close glance. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a colorful shirt, which doesn't seem at all appropriate for this kind of venue. At first I attributed that with her unawareness about the type of place Albert chose for us to come, but now I see it differently. She just doesn't care, she knew plenty well how this restaurant was, she just didn't think it was necessary to dress up. And know it makes perfect sense that her… escort is so impeccably dress and Cosima is not.

"Oh, no. I insist on paying." My boyfriend's says.

"Oh, please!" Cosima waves her hand. "My dad also said that I should take you for a tour of where  _the magic happens_." She air quotes.

"That won't be necessary." Albert says and I know he is irritated with Cosima's loose manners. This night is not going as he planned and if there's something that he can't deal with is when things go off-script.

"Oh, okay."

The waiter returns and we order, but he's not as rigorous as he was before and is happily chatting with Cosima, who seems to know him very well. Soon Jen joins in their conversation and I realize that she's not just some girl Cosima met, I actually think their friends or perhaps something more. Next to me, Albert is becoming more upset, with his hand hanging on the air waiting for Jack (apparently our waiter's name) to take the menu from him.

Despite it all we are served fast and with a lot more than we ordered. I know all of this is due to Cosima and now I'm thinking that the fact that we got such a nice table might also be her responsibility.

"So Jen, what do you do? Work? Study?" I ask, getting tired of listening to the two girls talk between themselves. They were not trying to be rude, in fact they tried several times to make us join their conversations, but Albert's short answers put them off.

"I'm in senior year of architecture." She answers with a clear and smooth voice. "And Cosima told me you're in microbiology like her, right?"

"Yes, that's correct." I give a small glance in the brunette's way, who has a discreet smile.

"I don't know if I could work in that field. I need to see the fruits of my labor properly." Jen gives a soft laugh. "If I don't see it, it's not there for me, you know?"

"Well you  _do_  see it, just need the aid of a microscope!" Cosima says. "And is the little things that count, there's a lot in our life that isn't visible to the naked eye. It doesn't mean it's not there, it means that you need to pay a little more attention."

"I'm with Jen." Albert decides to give his input. "Cosima's theory is too abstract, but that's a trade of people who spend their lives stuck in a lab and don't deal with real people."

"So you think that just because we don't deal directly with people, our job is less important, that we don't care for them?" There was a challenge in Cosima's voice and even in her body language, leaning forward.

"That's not what I said." He's waving a finger in the air, like he does every time he's about to give a  _lecture_. "All I said is that, perhaps if you see what I do every day, you wouldn't have such a…romantic notion on life."

"So you think I need to  _see_ people in an unbearable position for me to realize that there are bad things in the world?" Cosima scoffs and, next to her, Jen is looking at her with a weird small smile. "My vision of the world is not _romantic_ , as you so graciously put it. I want to help people too, I just don't need everyone else to know I'm doing it."

"You think I'm in med because I want people to know I want to help? Is that what you think of all physicians?" Albert is starting to turn red with anger and I'm starting to get worried that he won't be able to hold himself.

"I'm sure that's not what Cosima meant." I try to ease the mood.

"Yeah, that's not what I meant." She looks at me and grins and I breathe a little lighter. "I don't think that of all physicians. And, technically, you're still not one, but I  _do_  think that of you." Cosima points at him and winks.

"How dare you?!" I don't think I've ever experienced Albert raise his voice like this, especially in a public place, but he clears his throat and his next words are much lower. "I…People don't become doctors to be recognized, they do it because they're not afraid to get their hands dirty. Which is more than I can say about you're beautiful, sterilized lab."

"You can say whatever you want, if it helps you sleep at night." She relaxes in her chair, Cosima is not nearly as upset as Albert about all this argue. "And excuse you… If it wasn't for people in their beautiful and sterilized labs, your  _future_  job wouldn't be more than bleed patients when they had some fever and cut limbs with a common saw when their flesh starts to putrefy."

"Oh, shit!" Jen throws her fork on her plate. "Really, Cos? C'mon, there's a limit you know!"

"Oops, sorry!" Cosima looks at her, leaving Albert to fume all alone. "Okay, let's just get some more wine and drop this." And she gets Jack's attention pointing at a bottle she has in the air.

"You can't just  _drop_  something like that!" Albert says.

"Al, forget about it." I tell him under my breath. I can't believe he still hasn't got it that he can't win this.

"No, I understand." Cosima has obviously heard me. "I'm sorry, Al. I didn't want to sound so harsh."

"You know what? I think I'll take that tour." I say getting up. "You don't want to come, right Al?"

"No, I'm good!" He responds mopping. And I thank high heavens that I'm able to take Cosima away from him.

I look at Jen, raising my brow because even though Cosima is up, her friend remains seated. "Oh, my mom's the sous-chef, I don't need a tour." Jen explains and I have to hold myself in order not to roll my eyes.

I follow Cosima and am more pissed at her than I've ever thought I could get with anyone. All this evening, she's being pulling her strings. Albert never had a chance.

"Okay, so we should first start with the kitchen, right?" She says, looking at me over her shoulder.

I get a little closer to her. "I want to talk with you somewhere private!"

Cosima doesn't answer but soon we're inside a room where there's no one else. "The pantry?" I ask looking around.

"At this hour, it's either the pantry or the freezer. You choose!" She stares at me and when I say nothing, she continues. "Okay, what's up?"

"What's up!? Are you trying to make him look like an asshole?" I am struggling to keep my voice down.

She leans in one of the counters, but is still in front of me, looking straight into my eyes. "I'm not doing such a thing. He's accomplishing that all by himself!"

"No! You don't need to be so confrontational, you're pushing him, how did you expect him to react? "

"I expect nothing, I don't know him at all." She answers me. "But when he says things like that I can't stay quiet. Besides, what the hell? How come you just let him say those things? It's your field too and you just lay there and take the beating."

"You clearly didn't need my help to throw him down!" I'm also leaning on one of the counters, in the opposite side of the room.

She opens a cocky smile. "I think that's quite obvious!"

"No! Okay, Cosima, you've made your point. Now can we just have the rest of the night in a more pacific spirit?" She twitches her nose, not happy with my proposal. "I mean, haven't you had enough fun for one night? All this situation with the restaurant was... Unfortunate."

"Hey, I didn't pick the place, I guess he did, right? If it was up to me this would be the last place to come." Cosima says with her head down.

"Oh, really? Then how come you didn't say so when I texted you with his plans?" She doesn't answer, so I continue. "You couldn't, right? You thought it was much more fun to make him feel useless all evening. I don't know what are you trying to prove here!"

"I'm not trying to prove anything, okay!" Cosima raises her head again and her expression is unreadable. "Things just got a little out of my control."

"Bulshit! You've been playing us all night. You've been playing me, since the beginning." I point an accusing finger at her.

"What? That's a ridiculous theory!" Cosima opens a mocking smile. "You think I planed to hook up with Olivia all along just so I get to meet you?"

I stay quiet for a while, considering the implications of my theory. "Fine! Maybe not that long, but..."

"You know, I wouldn't be doing this if you have asked me to stop!" She cuts me off. "But not once you did. And I think is because you enjoy it too much to let me go."

"You think I enjoy having you going after my boyfriend like that?" I give a sarcastic laugh. "And I  _did_  tell you to stop."

"I don't believe you meant it, but fine!" Cosima moves from where she was leaning all this time and starts to walk closer to me. "Tell me again now... and cross my heart, I will stop. I'll leave you alone altogether and when we pass each other is like we've never met."

Cosima's so close to me now that I have to lean my head down to look at her. And I know, I freaking know what she's doing. I know what's her end game and I should really get away from her, put some distance between us and tell her to stop, get this over with! But I just can't, I can't convince my body to move because it's stuck or my throat to work because it's dry. She is looking right at me, her big brown eyes seem not really sure where to settle though, now focusing on my eyes only to travel lower to my lips, her glasses not able to hide their journey. It causes my body temperature to rise, a heat forming on the pit of my stomach and spread all over.

"You can't, can you?" Her voice is low, somewhat scratchy. "You can't because you like it, you don't know yet, but you can feel it. You can feel it here." And Cosima's right hand moves to the point of origin of the fire that's burning inside me.

My body leans to her touch, because it feels right, it feels like her hand belongs there. But she moves it lower, the pressure of her fingers more intense, just inches from my hip bone. I swallow hard, my lower lip slides from between my teeth where it was stuck since God knows when.

Cosima's other hand finds my cheek and I jump with the softness of her warm fingertips. For some reason it makes me snap out of it and I hold her left wrist, removing her comforting touch away from my face. "I want you to stop!" I say this looking at her eyes, so she understands the seriousness of my statement, but it doesn't sound nearly as decisive as I want, because my voice is barely audible.

Even so she gets away, taking several steps back, her stare piercing the ground. "Fine!" Cosima says flatly.

As soon as she puts some distance between us I take the opportunity to make a run for the door, too afraid that my resolution will crumble. I open the door and cross it fast, closing it behind me, not waiting for Cosima to leave as well. Somehow I manage to find my way to the dinner hall, following the sound of the restaurant's patrons. I miss her touch, the place where her hand was still burning hot. I ignore it. I want desperately pretend that it isn't there, that everything is normal.

When I get close to our table I'm shaking my head vigorously, convincing myself that it was the right thing to do. I don't want nothing with her, I have a boyfriend and am happy with him. Sure, he's far from perfect, he has his little things - I've known that for a while - but we're happy!

I sit in silence, still lost in my thoughts. When I finally raise my head I notice that our two other companions are looking at me, no doubt waiting for an explanation of why I returned alone. "Cosima will be right back, she... Err... She had to go to the bathroom!" I say.

"Oh, okay!" Albert says, handing me the list of deserts, unaware of the vortex in my mind. "We were thinking about order the deserts, what do you say, Del?"

"Sure!" I accept the list and look at Jen, who's staring back at me, a shadow behind her deep dark eyes. I have no idea what she's thinking, but I'm convinced she did not believe my version of the events.

Cosima's approaching our table and sits. "Sorry! Bathroom!" She simply says with a smile, but not her usual cocky grin. "So... Desert?" She looks at the little book in my hands. "You should try the petit _goutou._  It's awesome!"

"You mean petit gâteau." I say correcting her pronunciation. I do it without thinking, too used to do it every time an American butchers my mother language.

She rolls her eyes and scoffs. "Whatever franchie! It comes with vanilla ice cream!"

I can't believe that even after all that's happened Cosima still has the unique ability to make me laugh unexpectedly. "Okay, I'll have the petit gâteau with the vanilla ice cream!" I say, deliberately stressing the French words.

Her smile turns into something a little more honest and I'm glad that, despite everything, Cosima is doing me the favor of put her weapons down. The rest of the dinner is spent with light conversation and the brunette doesn't make any other attempt at attacking my boyfriend. I'm having a good time, even if now and then I feel a little squeeze in my chest, every time I get a glance of Cosima discreetly touching Jen's arm or when Jen gives Cosima a playful shove every time Cosima is being.. well, Cosima.

At the end of the meal we leave the restaurant and say our goodbyes. I feel like, maybe after I've had an honest talk with Cosima, we can even became friends, perhaps not right away, but in a near future. When all this is behind us, we can move on. I think I will be happy with that, after all we have something in common: we share the same passion for science and that's not easy for me to find, someone who understands me, who's willing to fight for what they think is right. And, if nothing else, Cosima definitely has that, maybe even a little too much.

But all those thoughts fly out of my head when she says goodbye with a "It was nice to meet you!" and walks away, without looking back. Her hand on Jen's lower back and her thumb lazily tracing circles on the soft fabric of the dress.


	8. Take a Breather

"Merde!" I say, closing the lid of my laptop angrily, only to reopen it to make sure that I haven't broken anything, breathing relieved after see that nothing was damaged.

Olivia's sit on the couch, staring shocked at me. Apparently I've distracted her from the TV show she was watching, but she doesn't say anything, more than aware that when I'm like this is better to leave me alone.

However, lately my mood has been unmanageable more than usual. My thesis is stalled, I can't move forward with my work, a severe case of authors block is wrapped around my brain, taking it hostage and preventing me to finish the damn thing. If I knew what the ransom was I would gladly pay it, just to complete it, but negotiations have ceased without a clue of what is due. The worst is that every day that passes brings me closer to the deadline to deliver the paper and every time I look at the calendar my heart jolts, a fear that I will not be able to finish it puts my brain into overdrive. One week; seven days and that's it. In less than 168 hours I better have this thing complete or all that I've worked for the last decade of my life will be for nothing.

I moved to the States right after finishing middle school, taking my high school years away from home, across the Atlantic, or Pacific or both; who cares... Thousands of miles away from home, from everyone I know, to make sure I have the best opportunities available. With the blessing of my parents, both from science, but stuck in teaching careers with no chance of moving up. So when I told them that I wanted to follow their steps, they encouraged on one condition: I was not to teach, investigation was my final destination. I agreed, knowing all too well how hard they fought to keep their jobs, especially after the crises in Europe made the government cut back on education. My parents didn't want that for me, still don't and I agree. The solution was to work hard and made sure I got the eye of some private corporation, away from the public jobs.

The high school years were different from everyone else's, not having the support system that have the parents near provided I was forced to grow up fast, never really distracted by what kids my age did. I was determined to make good, not wanting to let my parents down, not after all the sacrifices they made to be sure I had all I needed to be an exemplary student.

That's not saying that I didn't enjoy some of the distractions America has to offer to the regular high school student, I just never allowed it to be a distraction from my main objective, the main reason of why I'm here. I had a few steady friends throughout those years, but because I did high school in New York, moving here left me away from them, since most of my friends enrolled in universities along the Este coast. However, I was determined to have the best education my parents could provide and at the time Berkley seemed like it was the one with a better program for my intents.

During my stay here I've told my parents that I could get a job, even if only during the summer months, but they wouldn't hear of it, they just wanted me to focus on my education, so, when I was not visiting them, I got a few internships, granting me a nice resume, even before I reached University. I don't regret it, it made my application that much easier.

But now, if I can't get my shit together all that has been for nothing and that just can't happen. So if I'm angry with myself so bad, it's not only because of the fail that not be able to get into the PhD program would pose for me, but also because in the back of my mind there's always the painful possibility of letting down my parents after all they've done.

I get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water when all I really need is a coffee, but this last couple of weeks I've been avoiding the strong beverage. I just can't drink it without remembering Cosima and her infatuating smile. I've been avoiding everything that reminds me of her. Although that has proven to be a herculean task: she has infiltrated my life in ways that no one should be allowed to. To the point that even check out a book or talk with Mrs. Cross at the library brings back memories of her. But I will not quit, not until all of her is drained out of my system.

It has been more than two weeks since that awful dinner and to her benefit, Cosima has kept her word: never again did she direct a word to me. We cross paths in the halls and although our eyes meet for longer than it should, Cosima ignores me. And when, at the rare occasions she's at the library when I happen to arrive, she's fast to leave the big room, with an uncharacteristic smile at the librarian.

It's weird though, before I never even knew she was walking the same halls I was, going to the same places, but now I see her everywhere. She's like a ghost, hunting me, remembering me of the decision I made. It was a conscious decision and I don't regret it. But I wish things had turned out differently, that, somehow, we could still maintain some sort of contact. But maybe I'm just being selfish: if a friendship was never on her mind, than there was no moving away from that.

I return to the leaving room, decided to get the thesis done in the next couple of days. Fortunately I managed to get most of it complete before now, but there are some rough edges the still need to be soften and that requires a lot of concentration that's been escaping me.

"You should take a pause, it might help." Olivia says, trying to help.

"I can't make a pause. If I do, I'll never get this done with." I answer, turning on the chair to look straight at her.

"You're not getting it done anyway, may as well get some rest."

"Olivia, I know you mean well, but I don't work like you do." I reach for my cigarettes and lighter that are next to my computer. "I can't just spend the day watching crap TV and expect things to fall in my lap." I light up, looking at my roommate.

She makes an ugly face. "God, I hope that PMS ends soon, it has been two weeks, you know. Shouldn't it be over by now?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been irascible these last few weeks... Is everything alright with you and Al?"

"We're good!" I turn around on my chair again and return my attention to the screen in front of me.

"Are you sure? It's just that every time you get like this is because he's done something very stupid." She laughs a little. "And I say  _very_  because if it was just stupid you would be pissed all the time."

I get up fast, the chair almost falling to the ground with the abruptness of my movement. "You need to stop that! Why the hell does everyone has a problem with my boyfriend? He might not be a free spirit like you, but he makes me happy and I've been with him long enough for you to understand that we're in for the long run!" I speak fast and angrily.

"Who's everyone?" Olivia asks, not backing down from her words.

I stop suddenly, realizing what has left my lips. Olivia is still unaware I saw Cosima, besides our occasional brushes in the halls, but that was to be expected. However, the knowledge that I saw her off campus is yet escaping her and I pretend to keep it that way. My roommate doesn't need to know that, particularly now that I have no intention to keep contact with Cosima, nor does she wants to keep in touch with me... apparently. "Oh well... You know..." I say, trying to get it off her mind.

"No, I don't!" She gets up as well. "But you know what? It doesn't matter, I'm not surprised there are more people who share my... Reserves about Albert. You deserve better, Delphine. I can't understand, for the life of me, what you see in him."

"It's not your place to understand..." I give her look that means I want this conversation over.

But, even though by now she knows what that look means, she's not backing down. "Is it the money? Have grown too used to that lifestyle?"

And now I'm glaring at her. "I thought you knew me better than that!" I say low before crossing the door to my bedroom and slam the door shut with all the strength I have.

I don't remember ever being so mad at Olivia, not even in the first months we were living together, when we were starting to get to know each other and every little thing she did got on my nerves. I was not used to share my private space with anyone else, perhaps the bad habits of an only child, but there was something about having little privacy that never sat well with me. It still doesn't, but Olivia's different, she gets me; or I thought she did. Until now!

Even to hint that I'm with Albert because of the status I could achieve with that is too far a reach, even for my best friend. And now I realize that maybe he is right. Maybe I should move in with him and leave Olivia to deal with the rent on her own. I feel like our friendship has run its course, especially now when it seems that Olivia has lost her respect for me.

There's a soft knock on the door half an hour later, but I still don't think I'm ready to deal with her, but as always Olivia does not wait for my permission to open it. That was one of the little things that got to me at first. And, although she never did it when I have company, no matter how many times I told her not to, my roommate still does it.

Her head is peering through the door, obviously afraid I'll tell her to go away and I should, but I don't. For the years and tribulations our friendship has survived, I will allow her another chance. "I'm sorry about that. I overstepped." She says and I notice she has in place the best puppy eyes she can muster.

"I know Albert is less than nice to you. I' m not blind... or deaf." When Olivia realizes that I'm not going to throw something at her, she ventures her way in. "But he's different with me, he treats me well and respects me - he cares - and that's not easy to come by, you know!"

"You should've just said that." My roommate smiles a little.

"I don't see the need." I explain. "I shouldn't need to tell you that for you not to think that I'm with him for his money."

"I know that, I'm sorry." She sits on my bed, next to me. "But if it's not because of Albert, than why are you like this lately?"

"Like what?" I asked, looking at her. Olivia gives me one of those looks, expressing that I know exactly what she's talking about. I breathe out deeply. "I don't know! I mean... I know I've been hard to deal with lately, but I just feel... anxious, you know? I think it's the deadline for the paper approaching... Maybe..."

"Well, if you are going to keep being like this until then, I think I want you out of here." She laughs, I know she's joking.

"Actually, if that's the reason, I'll most likely become worse." I share her joke.

"Oh, great!" Her hands fly through the air and her body follows, until she's on her feet again. "If that's the case, we should get out today. Just the two of us, getting drunk."

"Olivia, you know I can't." I start to protest. "The paper..."

"Will be here tomorrow for you to finish it." She interrupts me, knowing fully well I'm preparing my excuse. "All work and no fun makes a Delphine very grump."

She laughs at her own joke and I can't help but join in. "Alright, fine!" I say getting up. It's Friday night after all. A little break won't hurt.

We decide to go for dinner first, a meal full of greasy goodies, before we go to one of her favorite clubs. Every time we go out is Olivia that handles the itinerary, she knows the night life way better than me, so I let her guide me. This is her specialty, not mine. The bar is one of the many gay friendly places around campus. According to her is "a gay bar without the vibe of a gay bar", whatever that means. I've been there a few times with her and enjoy the place quite a lot. It's a nice break from being shushing guys all night and even if I'm approached by a braver girl, they usually tend to accept rejection in a much more polite way than men.

I don't know if my roommate has in mind pick someone up, but if she does I'm not about to complain. I know it's her way of dealing with tension. I just hope she's sensible about things and let's me know if she's leaving with someone. Although, she usually does, over the years we've assembled a system: if she's on her way out she'll text me and I'll get in a cab about fifteen minutes later to give her time to go to her room if I go home. Or I can just go to Albert's, in which case I'll text her so she won't get worried.

When we arrive the place is half-full and I know that, while the night progresses, it won't get much more filled, is actually one of the things I most like about this bar, it will never become too crowded in a way that you can't move without stepping on someone's feet. Also the music is loud enough for you to dance if you want, but if your cup of tea is to just seat back and relax with a drink between your hands, you can do it in one of the several tables that surround the dance floor, because the volume of the music will allow you to have a half-decent conversation without shouting.

Olivia and I decide to start the night slowly and go to one of the tables after getting us a drink, which she picked. I'm not sure what is but is sweet with a taste of lemon in the end. We talk about foolish things, but I notice that she's not fully paying attention to our conversation, she's scanning the room, looking for the next victim, as Albert would put it. I don't mind, she deserves a little fun after all that's happened to her.

Until suddenly her eyes drop to her drink and she mouths a  _fuck_ , between a clenched jaw. I look in the direction her eyes were previously and see Cosima dancing with a large group composed of girls and boys. I really am not surprised, it is expected. And, even if is hard for me to admit it, when Olivia suggested we come here, a small part of me was hoping to cross paths with the petit brunette again.

Because I know Cosima is unaware of my staring, I allow my eyes free rein to look. It is conscious, I know what I'm doing and do nothing to stop it. Honestly, I'm curious to see how does she behave around other people, how different she is when there's not second intents to her actions. Most of all I want to know if Cosima's smile is the same, if her body language changes, somehow, around other people or if it's always like how she's around me: deliberate, with an inimitable confidence.

Soon I'm mimicking my roommate's position, staring at my glass. For some stupid reason I really thought Cosima reserved her cocky grin to me, her playful body leans were only directed my way, to try to get closer to me in the least conspicuous way. But no, it looks like she's always like that, with everyone. It's silly, really! What did I expect? That I was special? No, and I knew it, I damn knew she was like that, I've even told her to her face many times, but that doesn't stop my heart from drop.

"Fuck her!" I say to my sulking companion. "Let's go get another drink." I'm already getting up.

Olivia's head moved up to meet my eyes and she opens a fake smile. "Yeah, you're right." She gets up as well and follows me to the counter. "So, what do you want?" She asks as soon as we reach it.

"I think I'll have another one of whatever that was." I point to the table we left, already getting occupied by other people.

"Are you sure? They're pretty strong." Olivia cocks her brow.

"Oh, here I was thinking my mother was in another continent..." I tease.

My friend laughs and orders us the drinks without any more hesitation. With both our drinks in hand we turn to face the dance floor, but I don't think she's in the mood to dance and nor am I. So we stay there, our backs leaning on the counter, occasionally taking small sips on our drinks.

My body tenses, like it felt her coming before my eyes actually see her. And even when I do see Cosima, standing next to me, I force my head not to turn to the side, obsessed with the idea of not acknowledge her, I'll just pretend she isn't there. Cosima does the same, the only thing she does is order a drink. When she gets the drink from the counter her elbow brushes my arm and it's like electricity cursing through my veins, fast reaching every inch of my body. But I remain unmoved or better yet, I turn my head to Olivia, who's on my other side. I'm prepared to tell her we should find another place.

"You are so fucking cute." The unknown voice is on my right, the same side Cosima is. And there's really nothing I can do than to turn my head that way.

The girl who approached Cosima is tall, about the same height I am, she has long wavy hair, dark almost black and she's wearing a red dress that clings tight to her body, leaving little to the imagination about her full chest and curvy hips. She's tugging Cosima's shirt, her fingers loosely pushing the fabric. Next I look at Cosima, who remains relaxing leaning on the balcony and it's obvious she's giving a glance over the girl, just like I was a few seconds earlier.

After she licks discreetly her lips, Cosima grins and says. "Finally, someone who doesn't think I'm a cutthroat bitch!"

I know it's for my benefit or maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's for Olivia, who's also staring. And I wish I thought that of her, I really wish I was able to think that of Cosima, it would make things so much easier. But I just can't, I can't force myself to see her like that, I don't know why, but something inside tells me there's something in Cosima that she hides from everyone. There were little moments in the few occasions we were together that gave her away, that showed me there's a different side to her, one that's not so playful, more insightful. Or perhaps I'm just lying to myself, seeing things where there aren't any, trying to fool myself into thinking there's more in common between Cosima and I than just an unreasonable passion for science.

However my tongue is lubricated, my brain half-drowned in alcohol and I'm mad at the her. For what I know she has done before, with the dinner and to Olivia and for not allowing me to get pass her, to get over what happened, even though that's not her fault, really, but in my inebriated state, everything is her doing. But, most of all, I'm pissed at her for keeping away from me that little side of her that she has worked so hard to keep hidden, even if it's not real, if it never existed.

So I say loud enough for the two women at my side to hear it. "Give it time!"

The stranger stares at me and then to Cosima, whose eyes turned to me the instant she heard my voice. "I'm sorry." The tall girl says. "I... I didn't know you were…" She seems a little lost.

"We're not!" Cosima explains the girl, but her eyes are on me with a strange glare.

"Yeah... I'm gonna go..." The stranger is fast to assume she walked into something confusing and walks away.

"That's so not cool." Cosima says watching the other girl leave.

"Oh… I'm sorry..." I fake a regret expression. "Did I get in the way of something?"

"Whatever..." She ignores me again, but doesn't leave my side. Instead she pops her head a little to the front, finding my roommate's stare. "Hi, there Olivia. How are you?"

"Fine!" Olivia answers fast.

"Listen, I meant to call you and all… You know… What I did was really…You know…" Cosima is trying, I'll give her that; but she's also failing miserably.

"Then why didn't you?" I'm hearing their exchange in silence, taking big gulps from my drink.

Cosima looks at me for support, which I obviously won't give. "Well…" Her right hand goes to the back of her neck and she uncomfortably massages it, with a nervous smile on her lips. "I kind of forgot…"

Now I turn my head to Olivia, finishing my drink as I notice her eyes flare with anger. "You've fucking forgot to call?! Like, seriously!?" Her voice is loud and I know we're in for a world of trouble.

"Yeah… I've been distracted, working on my PhD application and shit…" Cosima says, also noticing that she walking on very thin ice. She has taken a step back and is only then I realize our arms were in contact all the time because there's a coldness just below my elbow where there was a very comfortable warmth before. "It's kind of distracting, you know?"

"Oh, I'm sorry… I didn't realize you're working so hard on your paper, it's kind of difficult to notice with all the music and dim light in this  _club_." The last word comes out rancorous.

The smaller girl stares at me again, looking for help to defuse the bomb in which Olivia's transformed. I don't know if I should help her; I don't know if I want to help her; I don't know if I can help her. All I know now is that my glass is empty and my throat is dry.

I turn to the bartender who seems to have been paying attention to us, because she has a very concerned expression. "Can I have une autre of this, s'il vous plaît?"


	9. Lost In Translation - Part I

The strong smell of coffee reaches my nostrils, alerting my senses. I try to open my eyes, but the room is filed with light, blinding me. My right hand goes to my eyes and I rub them in an attempt to force them to do their job

When I finally am able to open them, I'm faced with Cosima's illuminating smile. She standing by the bed where I'm laid, a mug in one hand and a small bottle in the other.

"Good afternoon sleepy head!" Her voice is calm and steady.

I sit up straight abruptly, scanning the unfamiliar place. The light comes from the big window behind the bed. It's an open space, no doors separating the divisions, at least as far as I can see. However, I know that we're in a second level of a big space, there are stairwells which lead to what I assume is the ground floor. A little further than the foot of the bed is some sort of balcony, translucent glass or plastic. The ceiling is high and for some reason it reminds me of a warehouse.

I look at her again and she's staring at me with a gentle smile. "How bad are you feeling?" There's just a hint of concern in her voice.

"I'm not sure..." My voice is throaty, I clear it. "What happened?" I have to ask, all my memories are blurry.

She chuckles. "You don't remember?" I shake my head and her laughter increases. "Maybe it's better that way."

"Oh god!" I stare down at myself. I'm still dressed, with the exception of my feet, my legs are tangled in the sheets in an awkward position, the soft fabric of my trousers is all wrinkled. "Was it that bad?"

Cosima extends me the mug and I take it gladly. "Not too bad... Really..." She says, but I don't believe her, there's something in her cunning smile that leads me to believe she's hiding a lot. I take a sip of the coffee and am instantly more alerted, I don't know if is the several days without the caffeine or the realization that I missed her coffee so much. Next she hands me the bottle she's holding. "Aspirin, you'll thank me later."

After taking two tablets to my mouth and washed them down with some more coffee, I think is time to probe some more about my behavior last night. "Seriously Cosima, how bad?"

"Nah... You behaved like a proper lady!" She answers me amused and starts to move to the stairs. I try to get up, but as soon as I stand my head feels dizzy and I curse under my breath, seating clumsily on the bed again. She looks back. "It's okay, take your time. I'm gonna get something for you to eat."

"I don't think I can get anything down." I call after her.

"You need to eat!" Cosima tells me from the lower level. "If you need to use the bathroom, it's on your right."

I look that way and there's indeed a closed white door. All her walls are white, no wonder I missed it in my less than recommend state. I manage to get up and walk there, observing every detail I can: the white rules the house and with the big windows that cover the left side of house, it makes for a very bright space. I'm surprised, Cosima dresses colorfully, her body is usually covered with vibrant colors, I didn't expect her to live among minimalist architecture.

The bathroom is also bright due to another large window next to the bathtub, which is big and allows to shower or bath. I avoid the mirror, if I'm going to be ignorant about last night, I also don't want to know how I look today. I run my fingers blindly through my hair and hope is half decent before leave the bathroom.

I make my way downstairs and notice Cosima is in the kitchen area, in the far end of the big room, working something on the stove, her back turned to me. In the middle of the space there's a big couch with some sheets, a blanket and a pillow on it. She slept there and I'm starting to feel guilty about it. The bedroom area forms a balcony that takes half the top of the living room, supported by two large pillars on each end. The back wall is filled with bookcases filled to the top, some books are stacked on the floor around it, there's no more room for them in the shelves.

"Care to at least tell me how end up here?" I ask, getting close to her and looking to what she's doing. It seems Cosima is working on pancakes.

She turns her head to me. "Wow... You really don't remember anything, do you?" I shake my head once more. "Okay, how far do you recall?" Her hands leave the pan and go up, in an attempt to get me to focus, because my eyes can't stay still. It's too much for me to absorb, I'm astonished by what I see around me. Her place is nothing like I expected; I was hoping to see a, somewhat, disorganized place, but no, apart from her desk and the bookshelves near by, everything seems to have its place. I start to believe that's where Cosima spends most of her time when she's at home. However, what's still surprises me the most is the color, or the lack of color, better put, even the freaking couch is white, the desk, the table where she's likely to eat her meals is glass. I have the strong feeling the decor was not Cosima's choice.

She catches me staring around, looking at me, still waiting for my answer and I force my brain to focus on one thing at a time.

"I... I remember going to the bar and then talking with you.. Vaguely..." I'm pushing my memory and as I start to recall little bits, I start to feel ashamed. "Some girl approached you and something with Olivia..." It hits me then. "Oh, my God, Olivia!"

"Relax, she's fine!" Cosima assures me. "A lot thanks to you actually."

I try to remember, but I just can't. "Does she know where I am? I'm supposed to text her, so she won't get worried." I start to move around the unfamiliar place, looking for my bag, which I find on top of her large desk that's dominated by a big laptop. I take out my phone and I see there's a text from my roommate: "you can come home now ;)". I raise my brow, not sure what to make of it. The message was sent at 2.26 in the morning, it is now 1.14 in the afternoon.

"This is almost done. Wanna help me here?" I turn to see Cosima stacking pancakes on a plate. I get to the balcony and grab a big plate filled with fresh fruit that's carefully peeled and cut.

We work in silence for some time apart from when I ask where something is and Cosima's telling me their places. Our breakfast/lunch consists of pancakes sided with the fruit and fresh orange juice and even if I didn't think I was hungry, just the smell of it makes my stomach complain about the many hours that passed since my last meal.

"You really aren't going to tell me, are you?" I ask her, eventually.

"Nop..." And the smile that accompanies her answer leaves me more unsettled. "Consider it a blessing. Some things are better left forgotten."

"That does nothing to sooth my mind... " I murmur.

"Does it happen a lot? The memory blanks?"

"Only when I drink way more than I should." I explain and she nods, confirming my suspicions. "Actually the worst part is that I eventually end up remembering things, all that's happened, during the following day."

Cosima bursts into a laugh fit. "Well, that should be fun. Too bad I'm not going to be there to see it."

"You are really enjoying this, aren't you?" There's a smile in my face, although I really should be worried about why she finds it so funny, but I can't help it. From the beginning her laugh has had a weird contagious effect on me.

"Wayyyy more than I should, considering everything..." She says weirdly. "But I'll give you one clue: it's not the first time I see you so confused. Wait! Maybe confused is not the right word. Is more like..." Her sentence lingers while her hands hang in the air, waiting for the right words to come to her mind, so they can continue the erratic movements they always make when she's talking.

"Cosima!" I half-shout, exasperated with the way she keeps teasing me with her knowledge of my actions last night.

Her face goes serious, until she snorts, then giggles, not able to contain herself and Cosima doesn't stop until she's cleaning tears of laughter from her eyes behind her glasses. "Oh, you'll see, if you remember, you'll see..."

I give up trying to extract more information from her, I've got the feeling it's useless and Cosima will only use it to take a ruse at me. So I settle with finish my meal and think about going home. I still haven't replied Olivia and, even if she was entertained last night, it's now almost the middle of the afternoon and she'll start to get worried.

Cosima walks me out, after offering to call me a cab since I really have no idea where in the city I am. I take the offer, a little surprised that she won't offer me a ride, at least until I realize that I don't know if she drives or if she has a car. The sun hits my face with a ferocity I'm not expecting and I have to squeeze my eyes shut before I'm able to get a glimpse of my surroundings. Cosima stays at the door leaning on its frame and I can feel her eyes on me as I scan the area. Her place is indeed a warehouse that clearly has been adjusted for living quarters, in a street that ends on a dead-end, near the harbor, far from campus. In fact I have actually no idea where in the city this is, only that is far from where I live due to its proximity to the harbor.

I refocus my attention to the small girl standing by the door, there's a half-smile on her lips. "Interesting setting you've got here." She hums at my remark but makes no comment. We fall into an awkward silence, staring at each other. Even though there's so much I want to ask her, the only thing I can say is. "I want to thank you for.. Hmm.. Taking care of me."

"No problem." She mumbles. And we are quiet again until we hear a car's engine getting closer to where we are and soon see the distinguish bright yellow of the taxi.

I enter the vehicle waving weirdly to my forced host and give my address to the driver.

_"Can I have une autre of this, s'il vous plait?" I ask the bartender, who has to shift her eyes from my two companions to give me some attention._

_"Are you sure, hun? You've had plenty." The short blonde haired woman asks me._

_"Oh, oui. Totalement, I'm fine." I answer a little annoyed that she's letting my glass stay empty for longer then I want._

_"Okay..." She starts to move around, preparing my drink. "There you go, but it's the last one I'll serve you." She places the drink in front of me and I eagerly take it in both my hands._

_"Thanks! You're a sweetheart!" But I'm already turning in my heals to face both women glaring at each other. "Girls... C'mon, this is totally unnecessary, can't we just all get along."_

_"There's nothing I want more..." Cosima stares at me, then her eyes drop to my glass and she points at it. "What are you drinking?"_

_"I'm not sure, but it's very good." I reply, looking at my own hands holding the glass. "Why? Do you want some?" I say after contemplating the option for a little longer than it was really necessary and extend her my drink._

_Cosima takes it, careful not to touch my fingers and raises it to her face, but doesn't drink, instead she gives it a quick sniff. "Wow... This is really strong, are you sure you need another?"_

_She holds the drink hostage, even as my hand extends for her to give it to me. "Why is everybody suddenly so worried about what I drink or how much I drink. I'm a grown woman!" And I know my voice is a little louder than needed, but I can't help it._

_However it seems to have the ability to distract Olivia from her attack at Cosima. "Del, you've clearly had more than you can handle."_

_"Annnndddd... So have you with Ms. Dreads here!" I point at my back where Cosima is. "Listen, je comprendre, she's hot and can be very sweet, but I have the... feeling Cosima has moved on..." I turn and give a wink at the small girl who's looking at me with a mix of shock and amusement, perhaps just a hint of fear. I have no clue as to if my roommate as seen or not my gesture. "Call it a sixth sense..." I think, for no obvious reason, I should complete it._

_"Is that so?" Olivia says, half joking, half hurt. Or at least that's how I read it._

_"Bien sur... Okay..." I start looking around us, staring longer than is socially accepted when I think a particular girl can strike the... heart of my roommate. Finally my eyes lock on a girl with short, dark hair at the opposite end of the counter. She has several piercings on her face and has that kind of pleasant grin one associates with an easy-going personality. "Come with me!" I grab my roommate's arm without waiting for her reply._

_She doesn't protest and let's me drag her between the patrons who are near the bar. On the way I know I shove more people than is required, but I just don't seem to care when they turn to say a harsher word. I'm on a mission to get my best friend laid! We reach the girl I made a target of and tap on her shoulder, not caring if she's talking with someone else._

_"Yes!" The stranger asks, turning and showing a confused face._

_"Allo! Je suis Delphine, this here is Olivia!" I raise my hand, which has a vice like grip on my friend's wrist. "She thinks you are très jolie!"_

_"Del!?" Olivia starts to protest. Than she turns to our new_ friend _. "I'm sorry, my friend has had a few too many." She says in an apology effort._

_The girl giggles a little. "Totally fine! I get it!"_

_"Okay, now that we got the pleasantries out of the way, you two can talk..." I say, already taking my leave._

There's someone shaking my shoulder and a voice in the distance. "Ms... ms...? We're here?"

I open my eyes and scan my surroundings, waking up for the second time in the space of few hours disoriented. But then I recognize my building and my brain restarts turning, reminding me I'm in a cab. "Oh... Sorry..." I quickly pay the ride and get out of the taxi, walking to my building's door. I fumble for the keys in my purse, praying that I didn't lose them last night. But no, they're inside my bag and I can't wait to get in the apartment and have a reinvigorating shower.

I get my wishes granted because no one is home. Actually Olivia doesn't arrive until two hours after me, when I'm totally engrossed in my thesis.

"So? Found your muse?" I jump when I hear her voice behind me. I didn't even realize she had arrived.

"What?" I say startled.

She points at my laptop. "You seemed to be pretty concentrated in it." She explains. "Are you moving forward with it?"

I return my eyes to the screen. "Yes... Almost there. And, apart from the awful pounding in my head, everything is going fast."

"So... Last night? How much do you remember?" Olivia is obviously more than aware of my little... issue.

"Not much... So far I remember pimp you up to some girl! I'm sorry about that..."

She laughs with pleasure. "No problem... Sylvia's pretty awesome!"

I cock my brow. "You came home with her, then?"

Olivia is walking to her room. "Yep! You've got good eye. I should bring you with me more often." After a while she returns to the living room already in her sweatpants and a large t-shirt. "You don't have to answer if you don't want." She starts a little afraid, seating next to me on the couch. "But where did you spend last night?"

I do think about lying, but I chose not to, for two very good reasons: one, I have no idea what would I tell her instead of the truth; and two, my best friend doesn't deserve it anymore, the lies. "Cosima's. I think she took me home. But I'm not sure, it's still a little fuzzy."

The expression on Olivia's face is a serious one and I start to entertain ideas of what she might ask, but nothing prepares me for what is actually on her mind. "How is it? The house? I've never been... Nor has anyone that I know, for that matter."

I recover a little. "You're joking..."

"Nop... Cosima's very open about a lot of stuff, however her house is not among them."

I remember the place and the feeling I had that, somehow, it was not her choice to be there or better, to have a place like that. "It's nice, big, kind of weird, though..." I fight to find the right words. "I mean... It doesn't really seem to match her taste, but I don't know her that well, so..."

My friend's eyes don't leave me and I start to feel uncomfortable. "Nothing happened... Between Cosima and I." I figure I should explain.

"I know, Del. Don't worry!" She starts to get up. "How 'bout I cook us dinner tonight. You just keep working. Don't want to scare the muse away..." And I see her enter our kitchen.

I'm relief with her words and am glad there's no more bitterness to deal with. And I should. Nothing happened. Nothing will. For all I know, I might never talk with Cosima again. Then why do I feel like there's a strong fist squeezing my heart?

Once again I'm forced to ignore the constant state of restless that my mind is under and decide to follow my roommate's advice. Keep working.

_I leave the two (hopefully) new lovebirds to deal with their issues and walk back to where I was before, remembering that Cosima's still holding hostage my drink. I look that way and she's staring back, an amused smile on her lips and a raised brow._

_"Merci, for guarding my drink." I snatch the glass from her hands, before she has time to act on it._

_"Delphine, I really don't think you should drink more." Her hands move to take the drink away from me, but in my drunken state I'm still able to move faster than her._

_I take a big gulp with a daring expression directed her way. "How come you never call me Del? Everybody does. Do you think you need my approval for that?"_

_"I don't want to!"_

_"Why?"_

_She looks down for some time, before she answers. "I like your name, don't see the need to change it!" It feels like a confession the way she says it._

_Something turns in my stomach and I don't know if it's due to the drink or if it's the seriousness of her expression, even if she shrugs, like she gives it little importance. But I know better, or I think I know... I'm not really sure._

_"Bien... I like your name too... C'est très unique... Cosima... Co-si-ma... Co... si... ma..." And suddenly it's like I'm in a trance, my brain's in a loop with those three syllables._

_The owner of the name on repeat on my lips starts to laugh deeply. "Okay... Okay... Stop! You're starting to freak me out!"_

_"Oh, desolé... Mais c'est vrai... Unique, like you..."_

_"Right! If there was any doubt in my mind that you're incredibly drunk, their extinguished now." Cosima's blushing, she's trying to play it cool, but her physical response is betraying her._

_"I'm sorry, that was inappropriate!" What is left of my sober state manages to get a hold on my brain._

_"No, no... Totally fine!" Cosima waves her hands dismissing my remark and her eyes wonder. "Looks like you did a good deed for your friend." She points at the opposite side of the counter._

_I look the way her hand indicates and see Olivia shamelessly making out with the girl I introduced her to. "Good for her! No one should be waiting for someone who doesn't want them back!"_

"Del? Are you sleeping with your eyes open again?" Olivia's voice brings me back to the present.

"Oh, damn... Sorry... Flashback... " I excuse myself.

"Quite alright. Dinner's ready." I get up and follow her to the table. "So what did you remember now?"

Fortunately my roommate decided to keep it simple with a salad. "You shoving your tongue down the throat of the hot girl with the piercings... I think you own me big time..." I take a fork of lettuce to my mouth.

"Yes, I do! And I would happily repay in the same manner if you only let me..." She stops abruptly. "I'm sorry..."

"What for?" I'm confused.

"Hmm... Last night I made a promise to myself to take it easy on Albert. I figured it will be better to stop give him so much ammo to throw my way." She explains. "And the fact that will be easier on you doesn't hurt."

"You don't have to do that, Olivia... I know he gives you a hard time, you've got the right to respond." It's a weird thing to say and the doubtful face my friend makes it's only confirmation of it. "Besides, I've grown so used to the two of you fighting... It's like your both my kids that have to fight all the time."

"You're sure about that?" I nod and she takes a deep breath. "Okay... In that case... Don't you think is... awkward you think of your boyfriend as your kid?"

I burst into laughs. "I guess... But... Don't you think is weird I think of you as my kid as well?"

Olivia laughs as well and the rest of the meal is stupidly spent on us imagining scenarios where that would become possible. We decide that I would eventually ask for the divorce, move back to France and abandon Olivia and Albert at the cares of their father. Let him deal with the two fucking brats.

After dinner Olivia is kind enough to deal with the dishes alone while I return to work. But even as she's moving back and forth between the two rooms she's mumbling "unfit parent", under her breath.

_"My feet are turning into a pulp." I comment, restraining the urge to take my shoes right then and there._

_Cosima's attention returns to me after she's been quiet for some time, since what I said last. Looks down at my feet and the uncomfortable shoes they've been the entire night. "No wonder..." She then looks around the room. "C'mon. I see an empty table, let's go quick before someone takes it."_

_I let her drag me across the bar, much like I've done to Olivia not that long ago. Her hand is holding mine firmly, she's sweating a little or maybe it's me. We reach the table just in time, because there's four people who approach the place looking to rest their tired feet right after us._

_We plop ourselves in the couch, Cosima sits next to me, leaving the two chairs empty. I look at her, waiting for an explanation. "What?! There's no way I'm going to sit my ass in those uncomfortable chairs when there's plenty of room for me in here."_

_It is a really good reason, especially for one who's suffering from squashed toes at the time. I reach my feet, meaning to take of my shoes. But she stops me, holding my wrist. "Don't do that. It will be much worse once you need to put them back on."_

_Obviously I'm more than aware of that, but don't know why I didn't think of it. Or better, I know: my inebriated state is just preventing me to act on my knowledge. "You don't have to do this, you know. You don't have to take care of me. Especially after the way I treated you."_

_"You think I'm going to leave you on your own the way you are?" Her eyes are on the floor and she's speaking so low that I find it hard to understand her, but I do. "Despite of what you might think of me, it's not my style to leave someone, anyone, hanging like that. Either I know them or not!" There's pain in her tone and the guilt she seems to inspire on me resurfaces._

_"I don't think that of you, Cosima. Never have." She looks at me and she's serious, very serious. "C'est seulement que... I don't know how to deal with you. You are so... Alive and... Je ne sais... Confiant... I'm not used to this... To this unabashed attention..."_

_She remains quiet for a little longer, but her eyes leave my face. They travel the room instead, not really laying on anything. When she speaks again, her voice is slightly louder. "I find it surprising that you don't get this type of attention. Someone like you... Well..."_

_I extend my right hand to the table, looking for my drink but it's not there. I think I've abandoned it at the bar. "Okay... It's not that I'm not used to... But I usually know what to do with it... Mais toi attention..." I stop, and that should be permanent. I should stop now before I get myself in a dangerous situation, but I can't. "The other night you we're so sure I feel it... And I do... I feel it... Mais tu es une fille et je ne..."_

_"This conversation would be a lot more enlightening if you could hold it in English..." I look at her confused. "Don't get me wrong... French... Very sexy... But I don't speak it."_

_I lean over and kiss her, not because I can't hold myself, but because I need to know. I need to know if by kissing her I feel the same way I do when she touches me or even when she gives me one of those smiles that I foolishly thought were reserved to me and me alone. It doesn't!_

_It feels one hundred times better, one thousand times better, one million times better... Her lips are soft and full and even as I clearly caught her off-guard I can tell there's an addictive skill in them, a poison that will kill me not because I would have too much, but because I could never have enough._

_I start to feel light-headed and I know it has nothing to do with the amount of alcohol in my system. It's her. It's Cosima's taste! It's Cosima's soft hands on both my cheeks! It's her thumbs lightly brushing against my skin! It's her smell!_

_But as soon as it began it ends. She's pushing me back. "Wow... Okay... I really think we should stop." Her voice is husky and she's still so close that I can feel her breath gliding against my lips._

_"What? Porquoi?" I can't keep the disappointment off my voice._

_"You are obviously in no condition to make an educated decision."_

"Merde!" I say loud, startling my roommate, whose head was resting on my shoulder, casually drifting to sleep while the TV is on, playing something that none of us has been paying attention to.

As I get up, Olivia is staring at me confused. "What happened?"

"I don't know." I throw back on my way to the bedroom, from where I emerge with running shoes on my feet.

"Where are you going at this hour?" The confusion on my roommate's face only seems to grow.

"I'll talk with you later!" And I'm out the door.


	10. Lost In Translation - Part II

As I cross the door of my building and out to the street, I froze. I don't know exactly what drove me to do that, to leave without hesitation as the memories return to me, like water tides crushing against my mind, each more disturbing than the last.

I've experienced this before, this "condition". I think I was sixteen the first time, haven't been in the States for long and was invited to a party after some game I really didn't understand. The underaged drinking didn't bother me, after all in my home country I wouldn't be breaking any laws if I stuck with wine or beer. Waiting until your 21 was a ludicrous concept then and, if I'm honest, it still is today. Either way, when you're 16 and drinking for the first time, there's only one way to find your limit: it's by crossing it, of course. And, oh... did I cross it that night.

The next morning I couldn't remember anything after a particular point, I thought it was awful, not knowing what happened. However, it was nothing compared to when the memories started crushing down, each more embarrassing than the one before: there was some making out with some football player, which lead to a fight with his hysterical girlfriend, while every stupid jock cheered around us and, the best (not) part of it all, some very public vomiting.

I remember promising to myself, after that night, I would never drink again. Of course that was not a kept promise. Although, for a really long time I didn't and even when I started to drink again I kept it at one beer a night. The shame and the whispers behind my back far too fresh to allow me to lose control like that again. But, eventually it happened again, I don't know how or why, but it did a handful of times throughout my life.

The previous times the memories consisted of embarrassing moments, when losing control resulted into some sort of public humiliation. This time is different, I lost control, yes, definitely, but it made me vulnerable and the restrain I know I have on, but pay it no mind, every time I'm around Cosima, snapped. And, although I am glad I could keep my integrity intact last night (or at least as far as I can remember), what happened between Cosima and I needs to be fixed. Now!

The early night is cold and I wish I had remembered to bring a coat, the sweatshirt I have on is warm, but not enough. And, even if I'm still at the door of my building, I will not go up to get one more layer of clothing. I know I would be face with questions I'm not ready to answer just yet.

But at least I had the good judgment of bringing my purse and I look for my phone in it, while scanning the street for a cab.

"Could you give me your address?", I text Cosima, hopping she's near the phone to reply fast. My attention is divided between the phone in my hand and the street, but the taxis that pass by me are busy and Cosima won't answer. I push the messages' screen again to send her another text when my phone vibrates. "Why do you need it?"; "We need to talk" My fingers fly on the screen. This time she answers quickly: "can't you call?"

It's just now that I remind myself that is Saturday night, Cosima's most likely not home. In a bar somewhere, perhaps. "No. Where are you? Can I meet you?" The idea of meet her elsewhere is not very appealing, but I'm still determined to talk with her. I'll just wait for her outside of wherever she is.

"I'm at the school's library." Her answer surprises me. The library's not always open, there's a study hall for that, opened 24/7 as long as there are classes. The library is off-limits after 9."The library is closed!" I point out in my next text. It would be weird if Cosima didn't know that and was trying to lie to me for whatever reason, but it's more logical than if she's actually telling me the truth. Yet, her simple answer is: "Not to me! Knock when you get here."

My brows are frowned as I look at her message and I'm sure my face is a mask of confusion. Still, I start to walk in the campus' direction, it's only a 10 minutes' walk away, along busy streets, it would be silly to get a cab now.

_"You're obviously in no condition to make an educated decision." She tells me, but her hands are still in my cheeks, burning hot with her touch._

_"Mais... I thought you wanted this." I'm still confused. Cosima has been pushing me in since the time we met and now she's pulling back?  
_

_"Not this!" Her hands finally leave my face and she leans further on the couch. "I don't want you drunk, only to wake up tomorrow regretting everything."_

_"What makes you think I would regret it?" I ask, daring._

_"Well, I would!"_

_"You think I would be that bad?" I'm actually very offended with her implication._

_She laughs softly and it's like the tension on her face dissipates with my words, drawn out of drunkenness and insecurity. "Actually, yeah... You probably would. But that's not what I meant." Cosima's expression takes a serious note again, but not so intense. "What I mean is... Fuck, Delphine... I want you! You know? The real you, with your snarky remarks, your daring gaze. I want you when you bit your lip or lower your head to hide your blush every time I make you nervous. I even want you when you are pushing me away. I don't want this!" She concludes and her eyes leave my face, where they've been the entire time, not really focusing on any feature._

_"You want the challenge!" It's not a question, I know exactly what she means._

_"Yes, I guess you can say that." Cosima agrees, but her eyes don't go to me again, instead they remain piercing the dirty floor under the table._

_"Tu veux l'impossible!"_

I make my way mechanically to campus, having walked this path more times than I care to count. But when I look up, I notice that I'm actually going to the wrong building, already at the entrance of the one where most of my classes take place. I shake the head to myself and turn on my heals.

Now that I'm so close to meet Cosima again I realize I have no idea what to say to her. It's obvious we need to talk, but how are we going to accomplish that, I don't know. Our intentions are so far away from each other, so distinct. It's like we're two different species; we thrive under different conditions, our habitats are opposite. We don't match!

However, there's something I have to admit: at least Cosima knows what she wants, as... unhealthy as it is, at least she knows. While I have no idea, all I know it's that is not the same.

I enter the building and the security guard doesn't look twice at me, just gives me a smile and nods. Maybe Cosima has warned him of my coming. My steps are slow along the corridors I've grown to know so well, there's no hurry on my pace, unlike my mind, which is racing a thousand miles per second to find a line of conversation to have with Cosima. Perhaps this was not a good idea, perhaps I should've waited at least until tomorrow, to try to get things straight with her. But now I'm here and Cosima's waiting for me. There's no turning back.

I knock on the sturdy wood of the door that leads to my favorite place in the entire campus, but I have the feeling that this time I will not be welcomed with the easiness the big hall usually sets on my mind. There's the sound of footsteps behind the door and when it opens, Cosima presents me with a tentative smile, her head resting on her hand that's holding the door open.

"You've remembered?" Those are the first words to me. I nod affirmatively. "Get in!" She opens the door a little more to make room for me to enter.

The big hall is absolutely vacant of people, which only makes it seem bigger. The ceiling lights that illuminate the library are off. There's only one light on over the main desk, where Mrs. Croft usually is and a work lamp on the closest table, on top of which Cosima has papers and books scattered all over. The rest of the hall's in complete darkness, apart from the bright green lights over the emergency exits.

I look down at the little brunette, whose eyes are also going around the room. "You were studying, I'm sorry for the interruption." The volume of my voice is low, yet in the emptiness we're in, it sounds almost offensively loud.

"It's okay, I needed a break anyway." She's walking in the direction of the table she's occupying. "So have you been having an entertained day?" Cosima asks and I can actually hear the smile on her lips.

"It has been... interesting." I follow her steps.

"I can only imagine... "

"You should have told me what happened." I watch her sit and take the chair in front of her.

"And deprive you of finding out in such an interesting manner? I couldn't do that!" She smiles but it's fake. I might not know her well, but I do know when her smiles are genuine, her eyes sparkle, they become brighter. That's not happening now.

"You were already convinced not to tell me long before you knew about my... special circumstance." I remind her. "I think you didn't want me to find out."

Cosima extends her hand and reaches for a pen, her eyes look down as she spins it between her fingers. "How far do you remember?" She eventually asks me with her eyes still down.

"Far enough to know we need to talk."

"How far?" She insists.

"A little after I kissed you and you pushed away." I tell her. She hums, but doesn't say anything or raises her stare at me. It makes me believe there's more to the story than I know so far and I wonder what could that be. "Thanks, by the way. You were right: I would regret it."

"I know!" Her only words. Cosima's not in the mood to indulge me, she won't help me fill in the blanks. And she's refusing to look at me, it's getting on my nerves, I'm starting to feel like I'm talking to a wall.

"Cosima?" I say low, a soft attempt to get her to look. I wait. In time she does. "Why can't we get along?"

"What do you mean?" She's curious, her eyebrows are high and frowned, her head a little tilted to the side.

"I mean, we obviously have somethings in common. Like this!" I explain, while my hand waves over the several books she has open on the table and the various sheets of paper scribbled by hand. "We could be friends, if only we stop bumping heads."

"What if I don't want to be friends with you?" Cosima says challenging me. "What if I don't want you around if I can't have you?"

It's my eyes that drop now, not able to keep looking at her. One thing is to have this kind of conversation drunk, another totally different is when you're stone cold sober.

What I say next, I say it with a painful squeeze in my heart, but I know I have to say it. With all intent of putting this behind us once and for all, even if it costs knowing Cosima entirely. I have to do it. "You don't want me. You like the idea of me, of having me. But you don't want me, not really. If you did, you would want to know me."

What I see next it's something I never thought I would. There's a quiet anger in Cosima's soft features. Her face doesn't become red, she's not clenching her jaw, for all means, if there was anyone around us, they would have no idea how angry she is. No. All her fury is concentrated in her gaze, there's a fire burning wild behind her glasses. And it's in her voice, when she finally finds it, using it low, with a chilling softness. "Fuck you, Delphine. Don't presume to know what I want or not. Do you think you have me all figured out just because I refuse to have around someone I know I can't have? It's fucking self-preservation not to put myself in that excruciating position.

"You say you want to be my friend, well friends don't do that. They want what's best for each other. And be around you and not be able to touch you the way I want, it's definitely not what's best for me."

As she talks the volume of her voice rises, but just a little, almost undetectable. "What I won't do is sustain your selfishness of want to have me around at your back and call. Because I know that's what would happen. And so do you. You are very aware of the effect you have on me. It's not fucking fair."

When she finishes there's an eerie silence around us. I can't look at her, not now, not after all she said.

I get up and start to walk to the door of a big room that was always kind to me, that has always received me with open arms and a comfortable intimacy, but now I find it cold and foreigner.

I look back once and see her with her head down. I think it's the first time I leave and the bright brown eyes don't follow me. "I  _will_  miss you, Cosima." And shut the door behind me.

My strides are fast along the familiar streets. I logically blame it on the cold, my need to get home fast, but know I just want to curl under my soft blankets and leave the rest of the world outside.

Olivia's half asleep on the couch and I turn the TV off and shake her shoulder so she realizes what she's doing. My roommate opens one eye, still not alerted enough to notice how upset I am. Fortunately. Last thing I want is to talk it over.

I go to my bedroom and strip fast, getting under my sheets, covering my head.

_"It's not impossible, Delphine." She says and reaches for my hand, holding it open with the palm up on her own. The fingers of her free hand start to trace nonsensical paths along it. "You just need to learn how to let go of somethings."_

_"Like what?" I watch her fingers move on my hand and shiver every time she applies a little more pressure to her touch._

_"You need safety, need to know what's coming before it arrives." She explains. "You know I can't provide that, so you keep me away."_

_"You're saying I can't be audacieux?" I cock my brow. "But I just kissed you!"_

_"Because you're drunk! It doesn't count." She points out with a small smile._

_"I need another drink!" I try to get up fast, but the gravity is too much for me to handle._

_Cosima snorts. "Yeah, that's exactly what you need." She says sarcastically. Fortunately she doesn't let go of my hand and it helps to keep me balanced. She gets up and extends her other hand. "What you need is to go home."_

_"Hmm... I don't know... Olivia's here somewhere, right?" I look around and see her still by the counter in an animated chat with her new acquaintance. "Oh, there!" I tell Cosima._

_"Text her, say you're going home." She's moving around my purse until she finds my phone and gives it to me._

_I take it, but don't like her plan. "I can't, if she takes the girl home I'm not going to be able to sleep. She's too loud..." I trail off, remembering Cosima is probably more aware of that than I am._

_The girl twitches her nose, but says nothing about it. "Okay, then say you're leaving and for her not to worry."_

_"Okaaayyy... Why?" I look at her suspiciously._

_"You need to leave. You can stay at my place." She says. I don't know what's my expression like, but somehow it drives her to explain herself. "I'm not trying to be smart, I'm just trying to help."_

_"I know, Cosima." I don't hesitate. "I trust you!"_

_I must have slept during the ride to her place, because when I'm aware of myself again, I'm with my right arm over Cosima's shoulder and being half dragged. My legs somehow working a little bit._

_"You need to help a little, Delphine." Cosima's voice is close to my ear._

_I regain some control over my body and try to put some more weight on my legs. "I'm really sorry about all this." Somehow I'm still talking English._

_"Yeah... Yeah... Can you go up the stairs?"_

_I bend over and feel alarmed hands on my back when Cosima thinks I'm falling. But I just need to get this damn shoes off my feet. She laughs softly after I release a sigh of relief when I free my feet._

_I'm very unstable, but, with Cosima's help, I manage to reach the top of the stairs. And with a loud groan I throw myself on the bed, bringing Cosima down with me. She giggles a little as I move around to get my head on a pillow. After I'm as settled as I'm going to get, she starts to get up, but I hold her wrist._

_"Stay here?" It's half a question, half a request._

_From her seating position she looks down at me, considering it for some time, until she let's herself fall in the bed as well. "You're a handful, Cormier."_

_I laugh a little and shift my body to face her. She's looking at the high ceiling with a calmness that I find uncharacteristic. Her glasses are totally out-of-place on her nose and I raise my hand, removing them. When she looks at me I give them to her. Cosima turns as well and we are face to face. She breaths deeply and I feel her warm breath glide over my face._

_We're like that for some time, just looking at each other, not saying a word. She looks different without her glasses, like a barrier is down, more tangible somehow. She raises her hand and removes a more stubborn curl that's fallen over my forehead, tugging it behind my ear._

_"Why do you do it?" I break the comfortable silence. She looks at me confused, as if I'm speaking French to her again. Truth is, I don't know if I am, so I explain further. "Why do you keep it away from everybody?"_

_"Keep what away?" Her voice is low and strained._

_"This!" I say, raising my hand and touching her. I meant to go for the heart, but in my condition I miss it by a few inches. It doesn't matter, it's enough to feel it beating in an erratic rhythm under my hand._

_Cosima's hand covers mine and I think she'll remove it altogether, but no. Instead she rearranges its position, placing it right over her hard beating heart. "Go to sleep, Delphine."_

 


	11. No Words

I hear Olivia moving around outside my bedroom door and I know it's late in the morning, maybe even passed lunch hour, but I refuse to get up. I want to keep the world shut for just a little while longer.

But my roommate's not of the same opinion and she's knocking softly on my door. I groan and push the covers over my head. I don't want to face Olivia; I don't want to face myself and all the mess my life as suddenly turned into. How did this happen? How did I let a stranger get so deep into my skin?

"Are you awake?" Olivia's voice is soft from the doorstep.

"Non..." I answer her, sinking more under the covers.

She laughs quietly and I can hear her steps getting closer to my bed. "It's almost one, Delphine. Are you gonna get up anytime soon?"

"No." I say again, but move the sheets from over my head and look at her with barely open eyes.

My friend stares at me gently, but she's worried about something and I can only imagine what my face looks like. She doesn't say a word for some time, but her hand goes to my back and she starts to rub it softly.

"What's going on, Del?" Olivia finally says.

"Nothing." My voice is muffled against the pillow where I have my face buried.

"Now... I know your lying. And I'd rather you say that you don't want to tell me or that you don't want to talk about it, than lie to me." Her hand keeps moving on my back.

It helps me relax and I seriously consider telling her about it. Come clean about what's going on between Cosima and I. Although I really don't have a name to put to it, to define it, I know something's happening, there's no more denying it. It's too obvious to just keep it crushed under the heavy thumb of reason.

I turn my face to her and see concern plastered in hers, her deep green eyes staring at me with a compassion I know I don't deserve. Olivia's always so open with me, about who she is, how she lives her life and I used to be like that too, but these last few months I've been deceiving her; consciously or not, I have.

"I've..." I start, but cowardly stop, swallowing my confession. Instead I decide to take a different approach. "I've been thinking: what makes you do that? You know, sleep with other people and just let go..." Her hand stops on my back. "I'm not judging, okay... I'm just curious. There's got to be a reason, right?"

Olivia's hand restarts softly going up and down my back. "I could tell you." She says. "I could go on and on about why I do it, about how sometimes I just want to blow out some steam and don't worry much about the consequences." She laughs a little.

"Damn, if you want me to, I can even write a dissertation about it, completed with pie-charts." She gets up and I miss her comforting touch. "But I don't think it would help you. For the simple reason that my motives are, most likely, not the same as Cosima's."

I was looking down the entire time, my fingers playing with my sheets, until my head shots up at her last words. "I... I'm not following you."

Her face is serious but not angry. "I'm not blind, Del. I saw you two the other night at the bar. Although, I really didn't need that. There's a reason you can't stand be in the same room with her."

"Nothing happened!" I clarify fast.

"Oh... I know that, I've told you. I don't think you have it in you, quite honestly." Olivia smiles again. "Actually, the way I know you, you're most likely to run away from it as fast as you can. But that doesn't mean you won't go running back."

"Now you've really lost me." I'm getting up.

"You can't understand her and you hate it." She explains. "As long as I've known you, you've always hated when there's something you can't get your head around. So much that you won't stop until you do, until you can explain it so well, that will have people believe you have created it."

I look for my sweatpants and dress them. "Good, now I'm obsessive compulsive or something." I say a little annoyed.

"Not really... Well... Maybe just a bit." She snorts.

"Nice. But you're theory doesn't explain all." I tease her, getting in the kitchen after a brief stop at the bathroom.

"It does, if you let me finish it." Olivia follows me and leans on the counter as I rummage the fridge. "You see, your problem with Cosima is that, in order for you to understand her, you need to get out of your comfort zone. And I bet that's driving you nuts."

"I can't believe you're in Environmental Sciences and not Psychology." I say ironically.

She smirks. "Yeah, yeah... Mock all you want, but if there's something you can't stand more than not understand something is get into a situation out of your control."

"Annnndddd... Now I'm a control freak... Brilliant!" I take the chicken out of the fridge and start to look for a pot.

"Yes, you are. That's why you and Albert get along so well, you're cut from the same cloth." My roommate starts to move around the kitchen as well, helping me get lunch moving.

"So now it's not because of his money?" I say distracted.

She stops. "I shouldn't have said that. It was stupid, I know your not like that."

I look at her in a reassuring way. "I know, Olivia, forget about it. I was just teasing."

We work in silence for some time, we've learned how to do it long ago, dance around each other without stepping on each other's toes. I know it's something hard to find, this familiarity with someone who you live with for no other reason than the need to share a rent. I consider myself lucky for it, even if in our earlier dances in the kitchen, or every other common area of the house, we were not so graceful.

"Aren't you upset about what's going on between Cosima and I?" I knew I eventually had to ask.

"What  _is_  going on between you two?" Olivia answers my question with a question, one to which I'm nowhere near to know the answer to.

"I don't know." I answer truthfully. "I don't even know if there is still something between us."

"Okay..." Olivia stops what she's doing once more to stare at me intently. "Before I decide how I feel about what's going on between you and dreadlocks I need to  _know_ what's going on."

"That seems fair."

"Right, I know." She smiles wide. "And that's why you need to find out what the fuck's happening, so you can tell me, so I can freak. Deal?"

"Are you really gonna freak?" I raise my brow.

"I might!"

"I never wanted any of this, Olivia. You've got to believe me." I want her to understand, I need her to know I haven't plan all this crap.

"No shit, Del!" My friend laughs. "I'm not going to lie and say you have my support all the way, because that's not going to happen. But I know that from the moment you've crossed Cosima's sight, that was it for me."

"I wouldn't say that..." I restart working, get the plates out of the cabinet. "You two seemed to hit it off pretty well in the beginning."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Delphine, are you fucking blind?" She stares at me in disbelief, with two glasses on her hands that I seriously am afraid she's going to drop to the floor. "Cosima and I would never work, we are too much alike in some ways. People like you, that's what gets her going."

"Nice little speech. But two questions." I say, taking the glasses off her hands. "One: if you knew you wouldn't work, why were you so pissed the other night? And two: What do you mean, people like me?" We're seating at the table, waiting for our lunch to cook.

"Right! One", she raises her middle finger and smiles wide, "just because we wouldn't work, doesn't mean I don't get to think it's fucked up that she ended everything without even the decency of the customary phone call. And two", she raises her thumb and her obscene gesture's completed. "People like you, you know... Who'll give her a run for her money. Cosima likes the pursuit."

"Right, and once she gets it..." I start.

"I didn't say that!" She cuts me off, lowering her hand. "Who knows? She might actually like you."

"She doesn't!" I say fast.

"How do you know? Did she tell you that?"

"She doesn't and no, she didn't, she said she doesn't want me around."

"And did she give you a reason for it?" Olivia gets up and goes stir the chicken in the pot.

"Let's just say she made her intentions very clear." I explain.

Olivia hums. "And you didn't like that!" She concludes.

My answer comes without hesitation. "No, I didn't!"

She snorts. "Right, that's why she's got you all hot and bothered." Turning the burners off. Our lunch is ready.

After lunch I'm going over my thesis, finally completed and ready for my last review. But my mind wanders. I definitely didn't like the way Cosima had put things so bluntly, the way she spoke without any of the socially acceptable barriers. I'm not an incorrigible romantic, I know there are times when it's unnecessary. However a little tact from her end would be nice. Why does she has to be like that? To say those things as they come to her mind?

No, that Cosima I didn't like, but the one I shared her bed with... Well... That's a totally different story. I don't know what drove her to do that, to finally open up and let me in, to see a side of her that I know she guards with her life. Maybe it was because I was in a vulnerable position as well, maybe she thought it would go unnoticed. I'm also ignorant about the reason for her to keep it so close to her chest and worst of it all, I really don't know if she'll ever give me another glance of it.

I stop my chain of thoughts, considering the repercussions it could have if something like that happened, if she suddenly decides to let me in and I'm actually scared. If she lets me in, what will I do? I have enough trouble dealing with her as it is.

What's left of the weekend I spend shut at home, avoiding everyone who's not Olivia, who occasionally I caught giving me a strange look but won't get into the subject anymore. I understand, despite her good intentions this can't be easy on her. My friend can play it cool as much as she likes, but I remember well how hard it was for her when Cosima cut it off.

All week was actually pretty uneventful. Cosima was nowhere to be seen, not once did I caught a glance of her freaking dreads and I'm starting to get pissed again. What the hell? _That_ fucking happens and she decides to drop off the face of the earth.

Albert, to my shame, was also easy to avoid, him being on the night shift again, makes it too easy for me to find excuses not to see him: "the deadline for my thesis is friday" I say, even though it's completely done, like three days ago; or "I'm really swamped on papers", even if I have extends in all of them due to my application to the PhD program. It's awful and I feel like an asshole, but I really don't think I can be with him without getting things straight with Cosima and since she's gone AWOL, well...

Friday afternoon I'm going to the office responsible for the PhD program, a carefully bonded stack of paper and a small pendrive in hand, I wait for my turn to deliver the result of months of hard work. I'm incredibly nervous, even though I don't have to make the oral presentation for at least two more weeks, this is literally just deliver the stupid thing. I really shouldn't be so nervous.

The door opens and I see the face I've been looking for the entire week, before she hides it as fast as her eyes found me, lowering her head to the ground and walking away quickly. Now instead of nervous, I'm confused and in my urgency to talk with Cosima I practically throw what I'm carrying to the shocked looking woman, not exchanging more than two words with her, before leave and trail after the brunette.

I'm pacing fast along the halls that I usually so calmly walk, some people stare at me like I'm some kind of lunatic, but I don't care. I reach her just outside the building. "Cosima, can we talk for just..."

She turns at the sound of my voice, but her face and voice are the personification of indifference. "I thought I was very clear about not wanting you around, Del..."

Her words hit home, like I'm sure she intended. I watch her leave, without another word or a look back.


	12. So Fucking Ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in case you didn't notice by the crude tittle I'll be dropping more F-bombs in this than Bette Porter in all the six seasons of The L Word… So fair warning or whatever…

Fou, fou, fou... Stupide, bête... How could I possibly ever think she could have more to give me than what she has already? More than teasingly comments and blushing touches? Cosima never wanted that, never intended for us to have more than this and even if she did, it would not be what I... What? What I what? What I fooled myself into believe? That there was more to her than... Fuck!

At least now I know, it stings, but I can move on, carry on with my life and leave Cosima in the past or nowhere at all. Rip her from myself, from my mind and yes... from my heart as well, where she dared to enter and make her little nest without asking my permission, without even the courtesy of a warning. I'll drag her out, push her violently away if I have to. But I'll fucking succeed. I'll drop the memory of her in acid and make new memories with people I want and want me back in the same way. Not like her, not demanding  _me_. I'll make myself forget how my heart swells every time she gives me one of her stupid smiles. I'll make myself forget how it feels to have wave after wave of heat crushing against my stomach walls every time she touches me with the lightest of brushes. I'll make myself forget how I cannot forget what it felt like to kiss her.

I should have never let her in in the first place, but she came barging in, intruding, little steps at a time, in my life. I didn't expect, I didn't see it coming and when I realized it was too late, Cosima had her foot in the door and when I went to close it, I just couldn't. Until now! I'll fucking close that fucking door and get rid of her!

I reach my house in record time, my anger fueling me to move fast. I storm in and next thing I know, Olivia is running out of her bedroom in nothing but her underwear and hair still wet, she's obviously just out of the shower. My eyes leave her alarmed face and move down to her hand, extended and clutching the TV remote tightly as if it's a knife. The ridiculous situation makes me laugh.

"At least I know you can keep us safe with your deadly remote skills." I say throwing my tired body at the couch, after dropping my purse casually on the dinner table.

"I could've thrown this at your head and then I would like to see you laugh..." She says, moving back to her room. She returns a little later already dressed and ready to leave, but notices I'm still on the couch, my right arm over my eyes. "Are you okay, Del?"

"Yeah, just tired. Don't worry!" I move my arm and look at her, she's with a half-smile and I try to do the same. "Do you know how you're always telling me I should try some weed? That it could help me relax." She nods and her smile widens. "Well, I think today is the day."

Olivia doesn't say anything, but starts to walk happily in her bedroom's direction. However, she stops at the doorway and I see her head drop. "Shit!" She turns. "I'm all out. But you know who usually has? Cosima."

My expression must be precious, because Olivia was fast getting close to me and seating on the floor. "You've found her?" She was obviously aware of Cosima disappearing on me.

"Yeah. Apparently you don't have to worry about figuring out how you feel about it." I try to smile again, but like the first time I come short of my intent. "Nothing has happened with her and nothing ever will."

"Shit, Del... I know what I said and I meant it, but I didn't want you to feel like this."

"It's okay, really." I'm seating, looking down at my friend, who's still on the floor. "I knew, all she did was confirm it."

"Yeah, but still... "

"Olivia, can we not talk about it, please... like ever?" I say raising my voice just a little.

"Sure." She pats my knee and gets up. "If you don't want me to, I'll never speak her name again."

"Good!"

Olivia tells me she will stay home with me, help me cope, but I insist in her leaving, go out, have fun. I know she's not entirely satisfied with it, but she does. I'm glad, there's no way I would want her to ruin her plans for the night because of me and my mess. Besides, I do want my life to get back to normal, like it was before Cosima tripped into it and this is normal: Olivia goes out, sometimes I'll join her, but not too often.

I consider calling Albert - that's normal too, right? - ask him if he has plans for tonight. Since yesterday he's no longer in the night shift, so he's probably free. But I chose not to. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll decide to spend the day with him, one of our lazy Saturdays walking the park. But not tonight; tonight I'm on a cleansing of everything Cosima related and I need to be alone for it.

I start by going over my phone and delete all her texts, after a couple of minutes of hesitation, it's her number that gets the same treatment. It's juvenile and stupid, but it feels... awful. Fucking Cosima! Fuck her and her stupid grin and her unstoppable hands and her traveling eyes. Fuck her!

How can I feel like this over something it never really took off? That I didn't want to take off, that I actively prevented it from happening. And in all of these foggy feelings I know what's hidden beneath it, deep inside: it's my fault. Deep down I know. Not the fact that she acted like she did - that's who she is, how she goes about her life. But the fact that I let her get so close, that I let myself consider, for the briefest moment, it was something actually possible.

But that is over, I got a glimpse into Cosima's world and I didn't like it, not only that, it would swallow me entirely until I no longer remember who I am. And that is something I won't allow to happen, no matter what. Lose myself into someone else it's something I never want to happen.

Olivia can say whatever she wants about my need to control things around me, I know that's true. Not in a way of predicting everything and everyone, but I do like to have some sort of handle in what's going on around me. It's not a sin to want to be the boss of my own life.

So... Yeah, maybe Albert can be a little predictable, he can be a little stiff too. But that's probably one of the things I find more appealing in him, what drove me to him in the first place. To know he's there, to know I can count on him.

That's why the next morning the first thing I do is call him. He answers at the second tone, like he's expecting my call and at the sound of his voice a smile starts to take form in my lips. I've missed him, I didn't realize until now that I've actually missed the deep rough his voice has, more pronounced in the morning. We make arrangements to meet for lunch and as we're speaking Olivia leaves her bedroom and finds me in the living room. She knows who I'm talking to, but, apart from the ugly face, makes no comments.

Albert and I have a relaxed lunch and soon make our way to the park. We silently understand each other, we don't need to talk it over, to decide where to go next, we just know.

It's a typical spring afternoon in the bay area, sun high gracing us with its comforting warmth, if a little windy, but nothing we can't handle, just enough to occasionally send my untamed mane into a swirl. We are seated on a blanket, which Albert always brings, the soft grass providing enough of a cushion to make it comfortable.

Albert is holding me in his arms, my head is rested on his shoulders. He can sense there's something on my mind, but doesn't ask what. "Once you're done with the PhD application we should go away for a weekend. To you know... Reconnect..." He says, assuming that's what's bothering me.

"Yes, I think we should do that!" I agree, because even if the reason I've been so distant is not entirely what he thinks, the solution he finds it's good nonetheless. "It would be nice."

One stronger gust of wind rises and my hair gains a mind of its own. His right hand grabs a few loose curls and puts them behind my ear. This simple gesture is enough to trigger Cosima's memory and involuntarily I free the curls he just tugged. If Albert notices it he pays it no mind. "I've just missed you these last few weeks, it's like you've been elsewhere and I don't mean just physically..." He complains, but his voice is soft, not demanding.

"I know... It won't happen again, I promise..." I reassure him. "But you know how these things can be stressful." I use the same excuse he's assuming. It's a good one after all and it's not like I can tell him what really happened. What's the point? It's all behind me, I'm ready to move on.

That night I spend at his place, after a dinner of pizza. And the next two weeks we spend more nights together than we've had in almost two months. It's like we are rediscovering ourselves. Olivia makes no particularly nasty comments, I think she knows I need this, I need to find some sort of routine to get my shit together.

The nights I don't spend with my boyfriend, I take the chance to go over and over my thesis, preparing for my oral presentation, talking with myself out loud, trying to predict what questions the jury will ask, finding the weakest spots in my theories and explaining them to myself until exhaustion. I eventually have to skip a few classes, but the professors understand, entering the PhD program is not easy, there's plenty of competition and only a few slots available. But the Friday I receive the email informing me next Tuesday I'll have to make my oral presentation, I feel ready. I know I have what it takes to knock them down.

With that confidence I get a full night of rest and Tuesday morning I wake up feeling ready for the fight; more than that, I'm ready to fucking win! I have a full breakfast, completed with a big cup of coffee, which still brings memories of the little brunette, but I'm decided to put those to rest and I will no longer allow for her to enter my mind uninvited.

I've seen her, of course, in the hallways or in the library, where we had our last and only honest conversation, but I pretend she's not there and, if in the beginning it was hard, with time my resolution stands its ground and it becomes more defined, stronger. I won't lie to myself and say she no longer has some weird power over me, if I ignore it I'll let my guard down and that's dangerous, however I'm able to make my mind stay still. Control, that's what I need and that's what I get.

Sure steps guide me to the big amphitheater where the jury awaits to make me squirm in front of a large group of people, composed by strangers and some of my teachers. The presentations are opened to the public and it's not unusual for the room to be packed with people who work in the field and are looking for the next big thing or students who want to apply to the program in the next few years. I would know, I was one of the students who has done that in the past, dreaming of the time when it will be me in the middle of the room and explain my theories to the scary panel of jurors. Today is the day and I've never thought I would feel like this: calm and steady, my brain assuring me I have what it takes.

I arrive ahead of time and sit on one of the seats in the front row. According to the information, today four students will present their thesis, all of them will focus in different subjects and those who are applying with something that's somewhat related are not allowed to assist. The order of presentation is in the jury's discretionary hands, so I don't know if I'll be the first or the last, it makes no difference, I'm fucking ready!

At the exact time five people with stern faces make their way to the seats reserved for them on the main desk. They don't say anything, not greeting the nervous students or the other people who are here to assist their shredding. It's only now I remember the rumor that only a tenth of the students who apply actually make it. I cast those demons aside and refocus on the flashcards I've prepared.

"Alright, we'll start with Mr. Black." The head of the jury announces and I see the young man who was seating a few chairs away from me make a shaky decent, until he's in the center of the big room.

He starts nervous and doesn't improve as the jury asks him questions for which he has no answer to. Ten minutes in and he is stuttering and sweating profusely. On the fifteen minute mark the jurors decide they've had enough and tell him he can leave. I feel for the guy, I really do, as I watch him walk out the amphitheater with his head down. But the selfish part of me is glad, remembering those stats - it means my chances of getting in just improved.

"Well... That was disappointing..." The only female jury says. I hear some light snorts behind me and if I wasn't in the line for the guillotine I would probably laugh as well. "Okay, next is Ms. Niehaus!"

I'm somewhat surprised to see Cosima get to the center of the room. The odds of her presentation be in the same day as mine were not great and I never knew her last name, but I knew it was a possibility. Her thesis is focused on genetics. And she speaks with the same confidence she's always shown me. Smart enough to answer the questions she as a clear answer to and dodge the ones she's not so sure, although those are rare. In no time she has the jury under her spell, charming them with her enthusiasm and easy smile.

Cosima's good, really good. I think she might get a better grade than me and that's saying something. I'm good, I've worked for that, there's no shame in that. I'm not being full of myself, but I'm not a fan of fake modesty either, if you're good you fucking own it! Long gone are the days when being smart was something I needed to hide.

She survives thirty minutes of intense interrogation, finishing up with her dignity intact and leaving all the jurors with smiles on their faces. Cosima turns and grabs her things with a wide smile on her lips, she knows she's in. She starts to walk to the door and I breathe easier, I don't know what would be like to have her here while I go over my presentation. She stops mid-way to the door and I see her scan the room, it's not until then that her eyes find mine, she raises her brow and gives me one of her cocky smirks. Obviously she didn't notice me until now. Cosima changes her route and walks back to the seats.

"Ms. Cormier?" The same female jury's annoyed voice brings my attention again to the main desk. "Do you care to join us or should we reschedule this for when you find it more appealing?"

I get up and start to shake, my vision going dark. I turn my head around, finding Cosima seated on the third row, her elbows on the table and her chin resting on her hands. When she notices me looking at her, Cosima winks and gives me a thumbs up. I stare at the jury again, swallow the huge lump on my throat. I'm so not fucking ready for this!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I have no clue how exactly the school system works in the States, all that follows is purely for "dramatic" proposes… Hopefully I'm not too far off…


	13. Round Two

My first two answers are tentative, at best. A strong force pulling my brain away from what it should be really focusing on. I feel too self-aware knowing Cosima is behind me and listening to what I'm saying, specially after the show she just pulled off.

At least one of the jurors notices my distracted mind. "Ms. Cormier, are you sure you want this enough?"

"I... Of course I want this!" My voice rises and I force myself to put a determined face.

"Then I suggest you focus!" His face is stern and the tone of his voice is indicative that I won't get another chance to pull myself together.

I look down, close my eyes and take a deep breath. I have to do this, I say in my head three times before stare again at the panel, hopefully with enough confidence to make them realize I'm here with the serious resolution of entering the program. The next few answers are a little more secure and as the questioning progresses I can feel myself get a little looser. I have no idea of how long I've been speaking, all notion of time is lost. I think about counting the number of questions they make, but lose count at eleven.

Some of the things they inquire I've predicted and answer with the confidence of someone who knows exactly what's talking about, while other questions catch me by surprise and I have to take some time to formulate the answer in my mind before actually respond. It's in these cases the jury can sense me wavering and they push harder in these situations. I know this is not some kind of special treatment on their part towards me, that they want to make it more difficult. In fact, I know this is standard procedure, I've seen them doing it before, time and time again, which is why I was so keen on reviewing all the loopholes in my thesis. But alas, no one can predict everything.

After what it feels like an eternity they let me go and I have no idea what's their verdict, but it's not looking good. As I gather my things I chance a few glances back and notice the jurors are looking at each other or scribbling something down, however they are not looking at me. Then I raise my head and see Cosima, noting she has the same "I'm not so sure" look as the panel.

I move to the door fast, desperate for a cigarette. As I approach the building's main door I can hear the clear sound of the rain hitting the pavement. Early morning, when I left home, there were some clouds, but they were high and white, I didn't think it would actually rain. But when I'm finally by the entrance I notice this is not rain. No, it's freaking pouring, in such a way I can hardly see the other side of the parking lot.

I join the other people who were caught by surprise by the spring shower. After a couple of minutes I can't wait much longer and softly push my way around the other people to get out. The edge of the roof is large enough to lean on the building's wall and don't get hit by the rain. I manage my way through and search my purse for my pack of cigarettes, taking out the last of the sticks and the lighter, put it between my lips and roll the lighter, expecting the flame, but it doesn't come, two, three times... nothing. I shake it in a futile attempt to get it to work, getting more frustrated when nothing happens.

I hear a snort coming from where several people are waiting for the rain to ease so they can be on their way. I turn my head and see Cosima with a smirk on her lips, extending her hand, which is holding a lighter. I take it and mumble something resembling a thanks.

However, it seems like nature is conspiring against me and my bad habit, because as soon as I take the flame close to my mouth a gust of wind rises, bringing the rain to where I am and wetting the entire cigarette. All I can do is look at the stick in my fingers starting to crumble. I give the lighter back to its owner and throw my head against the wall. "Parfait!"

"Bad day?" She asks.

I open my eyes and turn my head to her and the sympathetic smile on her lips. "You have no idea."

"Actually, I probably do."

"Right! You were there." I say matter of factually.

"Oh, c'mon, you were great!" Cosima tries to encourage me.

"No I wasn't!  _You_ were great." I say pointing the melted cigarette at her. " _I_  was a fucking mess." And disposed the useless thing in the bin next to the door.

"Okay, fine! You could've done better, but all's not lost." She gives two little steps and gets closer to me. "Your problem is that you are always very tense, you over think things."

"I don't think is such a bad thing over thinking when I'm applying to a PhD."

"Yeah, well it is!" She states, passing in front of me, getting a few drops of rain on her dreads and then stops, looking back. "Are you coming?"

I don't ask where. I don't ask why. Why does she wants me to follow her after she made perfectly clear she doesn't want to spend time with me. But I do, I follow her along the edge of the building, my shoes sinking in the soft, wet grass around it, until we turn left and are away from prying eyes. She gives a few more steps and stops, somewhere in the middle of the wall. I stop with her and lean my back on it like she does. The ground around us is much dryer here, it looks like when the wind picks up its in the other direction, making it safer for us on this side of the building other than in front of it.

The rain is relentless on its battering, muffling any other sound around us; the only sounds I can hear other than the rain is Cosima's calm breathing on my left along with my own and the hard pounding of my heart caused by the contact between my upper arm and the shorter girl's shoulder. Despite it all I don't move away and just close my eyes, some of the earlier tension releasing my body and being replaced with one of an entirely different nature.

Cosima remains quiet and I don't say a word either. But after what was probably more than ten minutes I hear a lighter go off and the smell of weed burning reaches my nostrils. I keep my eyes shut, more than used to people smoking around me, with Olivia being my roommate and all... It doesn't bother me the least. But it's not long before I fell Cosima's elbow nudging my arm. I open my eyes and look at her. The carefully rolled stick between her fingers extended in my direction. A little smirk on her lips.

"Oh... I'm good, thanks!" I say, waving my hand and rejecting her offer.

She brings the joint to her lips again, taking a deep drag and releasing the white smoke, which goes up in a lazy swirl until the strong rain dissipates it. "I just thought you needed it."

I laugh softly. "I do, actually."

"Then?" Cosima asks, turning her body, her shoulder supporting her again the wall, her eyes on my face. "Do you socially condemn it or something?"

I shiver lightly from the lack of warmth against my side. "No. If I did, do you think I would live with Olivia?"

"Yeah, I didn't think so... " Her eyes are starting to glare even more than usual." Okay... It's against doctor's orders?"

"No."

"I got it! It's against your religion!"

My laugh increases. "No, I just can't."

"I think you're afraid you're going to lose your composure with me around again." Cosima says with a cocky expression. And she might have just hit the nail in the head.

"And I think this is what you Americans call peer pressure!" I answer instead, in the same tone.

"You're right. I'm sorry." She takes another hit. "Do what you want!"

"I am." I say back, staring at the smoke coming out of her lips.

"Good!"

"Good."

Cosima continues to smoke in silence, her eyes turning redder with each drag and I can't help but stare at her lips, expertly enveloping the tip of the joint and expelling thick clouds of white smoke. My heart is racing and I swallow dry. I move my hand and take the half-smoked weed from between her fingers, which jerk a little with my touch.

I raise it to the front of my face and turn it this way and that. "You know... It's the second time you accuse me of being a chinckenshit." I say before take a daring deep drag, holding it until I can't take it no more and eventually have to cough out the smoke burning my lungs.

Cosima's laugh is throaty. "Chinckenshit!? I don't think I've heard that expression in years..." She takes the smoke away from me and it's my turn to shiver with the light contact.

But I hold my own. "Okay, what would be the appropriate expression, then?"

"I think pussy would be a good application to the matter at hand." Cosima answers with a fake snobbish look.

"That's kind of vulgar, don't you think?" I enter her joke and take the joint to my mouth after she hands it to me.

She waves her now free hands around her. "Okay... Okay... You're totally right." She stops, thinking for some time. "What about craven? Very fancy, has a Victorian era ring to it."

"Much better." I agree and take another hit, before giving the almost smoked joint back to her.

She takes it and moves a little, so she's right in front of me. I notice some drops of rain, which has considerably slowed down, hit her shoulders and top of her head, but Cosima doesn't seem to care. I have to raise my head, pulling up my chin, so I don't blow the smoke right at her face.

"I think you have the most elegant neck I've ever seen." Cosima's voice is low in my ears.

This should disturb me, after weeks of trying to have some closure of Cosima and fighting hard to drag her away from my mind. Allow myself to get this close again is the last thing I should be doing. But, I don't know if it's the pot or Cosima herself, probably a combination of both, I don't move. Instead I laugh a little. "l don't think anyone has ever praised my neck before."

"Glad to be your first." I can feel her words against the base of my neck. Cosima's lips start to move up and I keep my head as it is, giving her all the room she wants to explore it. My hands move to her waist and I try to pull her towards me, but am faced with resistance.

I finally look down and see her smiling, staring back at me. I don't say a thing, but raise my brow in a questioning gaze. Cosima goes to the tip of her toes, her face as close to mine as it can get without us actually touching, and raises her hand to my cheek. I feel her thumb move to my lips and with a light pull, releases my bottom lip from between my teeth. I can taste the weed on her finger and if she won't come to me I decide that's me who has to move closer to her. Cosima allows it and our bodies are pressed together, my hands gripping her waist a little tighter. My body's humming, every little area that's in contact with her, even with the layers of fabric, seems to be burning.

She moves her hands to my neck, which still has the memory of her soft lips vividly, and pulls my head down. "If you want me to keep believing you're not interested, you better start doing a more convincing job, Delphine." Cosima whispers against my lips.

I try to think of something to say back. Something to prove her wrong, but am drawing a blank, my brain too hazy from the pot and the exhilarating feeling of having her so close. Before I can find anything coherent to say, Cosima moves away from my grasp, turns and leaves. Walking away under the soft sprinkles of rain which seems to have given up on its fight against the warmth of the spring's sun.


	14. High and Wet

I stay where Cosima left me, my eyes fixed on the small frame until I can no longer see her. The sun's rays start to spear through the heavy clouds and even if some rain drops are still falling from the sky, the light is enough to make me shut my eyes, which are having a hard time adjusting. I blink a few times and figure it's safe to walk back home.

As I start to walk I feel lighter than I've ever felt, the next step feeling easier than the one before. I'm high...  _I'm high! Cosima has gotten me high and then left without a word!_ A panic starts to rise in my chest and I can feel my heart beating violently against my ribcage. How many times today will my heart take this kind of heavy beating?

 _Ohmygod... I'm gonna have a heart attack!_ What the hell!? But I keep walking, my mind racing but my legs firm in my steps, or at least I think they are. I'm convinced that, to the outside observer, I'm walking steadily. After the initial panic leaves my system, I'm once again aware of how so  _very light_  I feel. In no time I reach my building's door and am searching for the keys in my bag. Am I already home? I really haven't noticed the walk here.

Opening the door to the apartment, I enter, close it and lean on it, taking a big gust of oxygen to my lungs. I'm home, safe. Everything is going to be okay.

"So, how did it go?"

"Huh?" I open my eyes and look at Olivia staring back at me. How long has she been staring?

She gets up and gets close to me, her hands go to my face and for whatever reason it tingles and I release a soft giggle. "You're high!"

"What!? Non... no!" I get away from the door, where I was still leaning, and away from her touch. I clear my throat. "Of course not!"

"Yeah, of course not... And I'm the fairy godmother." She has a smile on her lips. "I think is safe to assume Cosima's responsible for this." My roommate leaves and goes to the kitchen.

I drop everything on the floor, bag and coat. Suddenly feeling a big urge to throw myself to the couch, which I do with a loud laugh, closing my eyes.  _Cosima... La petite merde..._

"So it was her!" Olivia says, close to me again.

I open my eyes and see a glass of water in front of me, which I grab and chug down, not realizing how dry my throat is until now. "Did I say that out loud?" I ask, confused.

"Yeah, you did. Be careful with what you think!" Olivia seems to be enjoying this a lot, judging by the amused expression she has. "So the presentation went well, yes? If you felt like celebrating."

"Oh, non... Non... It was awful." I start to laugh again, don't really know why. "I was a mess...  _Terrible!_  I think I've fucked it up big time!"

"Was it to forget, then?" My friend's smile drops a little.

"Cosima..." I say again. "She was there, she was brilliant..." I go serious, all of a sudden my eyes start to feel heavy and I can't keep them open, no matter how hard I try.

"Okay... You're going to your bed." Olivia's voice is starting to sound very far away.

"Oh non... Je suis très bien..." I feel my arm being pulled and don't even know how, but I'm up and walking to my room.

"Of course, très bien!" My friend pushes me to the bed. "I'm gonna leave you with your thoughts. Anything you need, just scream."

In the distance I hear a door close and then just silence. My eyes are starting to close again and I let my body melt with the mattress. At this point, dozing off seems like a very good idea.

But I can't sleep, my mind is working non-stop and there's only one thing that occupies it. Cosima! I don't know if I should feel angry or pleased with what happened today. If, in a way, I'm glad she decided not to shut the door completely, the truth is that she continues to play her little games. But then again, am I not at fault for that?

As much as I push her away, as much as the logical side of my brain is screaming to get as far away as I can from her. Because I know this is not good for me. I know myself better than anyone else and I know I can't handle these kind of situations. Olivia's right: I don't have what it takes! It's not in my nature to throw away everything in the air and see where it lands by chance. I need to know! Knowledge and predictability were always my allies, all my life I trusted them and abandon them now it would make no sense. They've got me this far.

However... There's that side... The darker side of my soul. One that everyone has. Some choose to embrace it, others, like myself, think it's better to ignore it, shut it down every time it's screaming for attention. In reality, all my life, I can't say I've been tempted to listen to it more carefully; every time it spoke was not loud, always easy to muffle its volume with the clear sound of reason.

Until now.

Until Cosima.

It drives me mad with how loud it screams for her. My mind, my body... And no matter how many times I push her away, she comes back. Either because of something it crosses her mind, which I really don't know, I can't figure it out. Or something I do, taking the initiative of dragging her close again. Was she right? Is it really selfishness that keeps me dragging her closer to me, again and again? Do I enjoy having her near me that much? To have her playing her little game with me?

My body certainly seems to. I feel that, if I let loose what little control I have left, I could easily drop everything I know, everything I trust, just to have her close. Just to have her again reaching for my waist, have her lips on mine, feel once more her hot breath causing goosebumps on my neck and a pleasurable shiver down my spine.

Just to think about it now, I feel my body heating up. Everywhere my skin is tingling and I swear I can feel her hands on me again, her fingertips warm on my cheek like earlier. Under my closed eyelids I can clearly see her face, her cocky smile in place, like she's mocking me. Like she's enjoying what she has caused and is here to prove her point. Her gaze telling me:  _see... why do you run?_

I open my eyes, as if I need to reassure myself I'm in my bedroom alone and not elsewhere, anywhere with her in front of me and making me drown in her deep brown eyes. I move, I actually intend to leave, not only the bed, but the house. I want to go after her and tell her all that's going through my head. However I only get as far as seating on the edge of the bed, before dropping on it again. What am I thinking? I can't do that!

Instead I just let myself stay there, staring at the white ceiling of my bedroom, afraid to close my eyes and let her in, blinking only when I absolutely must. I stay like that for what it seems to be a long time, until I can't stay still any longer. I have to go to the bathroom. I hear sounds of pots in the kitchen and assume that's where Olivia is. I splash some water at my face and look at the mirror, my hair is a mess, but I can't seem to care, even because it's my eyes that get all my attention. Deep red, like I've never seen them before.

I get back to my bed, I'm starting to feel a little more like myself, however what I saw in the mirror is proof that I'm not quite there yet. This time I close my eyes and take a deep breath, this time I think I do actually sleep a little. When I open them again I think it's time to face the real world and manage to get up at my first try.

In fact, everything feels very real. I am more aware than ever before of what's around me, as I walk through the living room and push the door to the kitchen. Maybe it's because I want to be sure that what I'm seeing it's really there.

"Feeling better?" Olivia is doing something by the sink, her back turned to me. She speaks without turning.

"Yes, much..." I sit on one of the chairs. "How long has it passed?"

"About an hour and a half." My roommate's still not looking at me.

"Wow... Really? It feels..."

"Like much longer, I know!" There's a little irritation tone to her voice.

"Is everything okay?" I ask her.

Olivia doesn't answer, but finally turns and looks at me, the right corner of her lips twitching a little, like it does when she's considering something. Then she walks out of the kitchen without another word. I stay put, eyes wide looking at the door as it swings back and forth. It hasn't passed thirty seconds when she returns, phone in hand, pressing a few buttons, still not speaking, but looking at me.

I hear the dial tone, whoever it is takes some time to answer, but eventually does. "Hi!" The little voice is tentative and I'm almost positive it's Cosima.

"Next time you get my friend high, you better stay with her!" Olivia says, without greetings. I just listen, quiet, speechless.

"Wow... It was just a few hits." Cosima defends herself. "It was pretty light, I didn't think it would make a difference..."

"Well, she arrived home totally out... " My roommate keeps looking at me, an angry look on her face.

"I had no idea! Is she alright?" Cosima's starting to sound concerned.

"I'm fine, Cosima. Don't worry!" I find my voice at last.

"Oh... Hi, Delphine... Are you sure?" The tone of her voice drops, it becomes softer.

"Yes, although, I have to say, I've been having a very... different afternoon." I say with a little laugh. Olivia rolls her eyes and turns around, but not before I get a glance of a half-smile on her lips.

On the phone, Cosima laughs as well. "Really? Hmm... We should like... do it again?"

"Only if you stay with her!" My friend immediately jumps into the conversation. "I'm not about to deal with a high Del again. Besides, I think she'll enjoy her high much more with you near by."

I give her a glare when she turns giving me a large smile. "That's..." I try an answer, but am lost for words.

A weird silence fills the air around us, until Cosima's voice comes to us again. "I... I've got to go..."

"Yeah... Yes, of course." I say, but I really don't want her to end the call. I fight the urge to snatch my friend's phone and talk with Cosima in the other room.

"Bye, Cos!" Olivia says, with a mocking tone, directly into the receiver before ending the call and throwing the phone, rather unceremoniously, on the balcony.

She's standing right in front of me and I'm looking up at her, still on the chair, my back leaning on the wall, which is pleasantly cold against my back. Olivia puts her hands on her hip, her lips forming a tense line, her brows frowned. "I know you're French, Del, but this is bound to end like a fucking Greek Tragedy."

I don't answer to that, I know she's probably right. But right now I have other concerns. I place my hand over my stomach and rub it. "I need food!"

Olivia throws her hands in the air, turns around, shrugging, like a mother displeased at the child that won't do what she tells her.


	15. Let's Make History

Once the effect of the weed wears off I finally am able to think straight again and my first concern lands on the fact that I might actually be in a lot of trouble with my PhD application. I have no idea, really, about what the jury will decide and as much fun as it was to pretend it's not there, this is something I can't avoid thinking about. If I'm not accepted I don't know what I'll do. Truth is I never thought it could happen, in my mind everything would work out perfect: I would apply, would get in, finish the thing, hopefully with a pristine grade and would find myself fight back job proposals. Really, _it would've been awesome_!

The reality, however, was proven to be very different and as I wake up the next morning, feeling like my head is too heavy and queasy like never before, I have to face the hard truth that I might not get in the program and have to find a solution for my problem. But, as much as this is a growing concern, I truly don't know what I'm going to do.

I arrive at school on time, but am feeling exhausted, for once I wish I could be like Olivia and skip classes without my conscience beating me for it. I can't do it though, I've already missed too many classes the last few weeks and having my grades suffer from it along with not entering the program is a lot more than I can handle right now. So I force my brain to focus and stay alerted even if what I really want is just to home, have a shower and slip back into my bed or perhaps watch some crappy TV show with my friend and forget about all my troubles. God, that would be nice! A day off...

A day off from every little shit that just keeps piling up and add to every other little damn thing, making it more and more unmanageable. I wish I could let go, not forever, but just temporarily, an escape, go somewhere where I don't know anyone and can just rest. Maybe, that's why I don't feel mad with Cosima for getting me high and... well, pretty much abandon me. I would have preferred she had stayed with me, not for the reasons Olivia was implying, but because it would've been nice not to feel so lost in the beginning. Yeah, I should be at least a little annoyed with Cosima for doing that, but it was also an incredible release, to allow my mind to wander, to let my conscience drift and just... don't care.

I suppose that's why people do it, to feel free, even if it's fake, synthetic and temporary. For a couple of hours just let go of the problems that insist on hunting your brain, give permission for your thoughts to be clouded, not care about the consequences. _I have to ask Olivia that_!

I wonder if that's why Cosima does it, if she wants to let go of something that's bothering her. Although I don't think she has the need of pot to be free, she's always so frontal, so...

"You're in my place!" A voice coming from my back awakens me from my thoughts.

I look back and have to blink a few times to make sure I'm really seeing Cosima or if it's just a figure of my imagination, because was I just thinking about her. But no. It's really her, with a smirk on her face, her hands on her hips, pretending she's mad. "I had no idea the seats were reserved." It's the end of the day and I'm in the library, failing to get some work done.

She moves to my side, looking down, her eyes don't leave me, they never do when she's talking to me. Unless she's upset, which apparently it's not the case. "They're not. But I've always sat here and you've been seating at the same desk for the last four years." Her hands move with the constant flow of her words. "Thus, making this my seat and yours over there!" Cosima concludes, pointing further in the hall where, in fact, there's an empty desk where I've made my home since I got here.

Until now I didn't realize I was not at my usual seat and silently warn my mind to not dig deeper for the reason why today I involuntarily made this change. "You know where I've been seating for the last four years?" I ask, because I'd rather direct this conversation to that topic, as uncomfortable as it may be, than to the fact that I am setting at her desk.

"If you come here pretty much every day for that long you're bound to get familiar with a few things." Cosima answers matter of factually, but she's becoming slightly red and I know I've caught her in something she probably would rather not reveal.

She takes a seat, not in the chair in front, but at my side, keeping us as physically close as the social etiquette allows. I just look at her, this time I don't call her on the close proximity, on the fact that it would be a lot more logical if she sat in front of me, even because the books I have open on the desk and have been staring blankly at for the last twenty minutes are taking the better part of that side. I see her taking a small notepad and a pen from her bag and moving around some of my things so she has a little room to work. Then, still without saying a word, she settles in and starts to go over her notes.

I follow Cosima's example and try, once again, to study my own notes, which I've taken during the day. But this time it's different, this time my brain concentrates and I'm able to shut everything else off. It's like she's sending me a calm energy, one that allows me to focus. It's weird, usually when she's near me my body's in control, the rational part of my brain ditches me, like saying:  _here, deal with this some other way, just don't call me_! Not now, though, now it's my mind that has the control and I am able to study.

We're quiet for a long time and the only moments I lose focus a little bit and lose my line of thoughts it's when accidentally I brush my hand against her arm, reaching for a book. Every time this happens I notice Cosima that stops reading, her eyes still on her notes, her fingers loosening on the pen she's holding and she stops writing. But soon enough we continue with our studying.

I really don't know how long we manage to stay like this, but it's long enough for me to get everything I want done and then some. However, soon I can't keep up with the her rhythm and have to stop, I stretch discreetly and reach for the pack of cigarettes in my bag.

"Quitting on me already?" Cosima asks looking at the hand that's holding the cigarette and the lighter.

"I need a break." I answer low and she scoffs, making fun of my weakness. "Hey, I'm hangover here. Because of you!" I explain pointing the hand that's holding everything at her and starting to get up.

Cosima reaches for my hand and steals my cigarette, which is not hard given the fact that my fingers go weak with her touch. I'm about to protest, but she is faster than me. "This is bad for you." And all I can do is laugh. "Seat back down, there's something I want to tell you."

I do as she says and wait for her to talk again, not really knowing what to expect. But she takes her time and I'm growing restless, she's serious, looking at her hands rested on the table. Cosima starts to play with one of the many rings on her fingers. I won't pressure her to speak, even because I'm a little afraid of what she has reserved to me. She looks at me sideways and opens her mouth, but no sound comes out and now I'm more than a little afraid.

"I..." Cosima tentatively starts, but looks down again, shaking her head slightly. "I want to tell you... I'm sorry about yesterday!" She finally gets it out. "You know, with the getting you high and then leave you on your own to deal with it."

Something tells me this is not what she had in mind to tell me in the first place, but I let it slide. "It's fine, really. I mean, I would rather you sticking around but..." She gives me half a smirk and I wonder if she's thinking about what Olivia said. "I think I have to thank you, actually."

"Thank me?!" Cosima seems genuinely surprised.

"Yes. Yesterday I was... Well, upset, for lack of a better word." I explain. "And that really helped me forget about it... Even if for just a little while."

She laughs softly. "What did you think about, then?"

I feel a heat rise to my cheeks and I know I'm starting to blush. "Why do you want to know?"

"In pot _veritas_..." Cosima tells me, what her cocky grin. She knows; she knows damn well, she was the only thing in my mind and nothing I can tell her will convince her otherwise.

"I really don't think that's how the say goes..." I extend my hand and with a quick move am able to snatch the cigarette back. "Now, if that was all..." I'm getting up again.

"You could've just taken another one." She says flatly. "Stay here."

The last two words were said much lower than necessary, even considering we're in the library, it was just a little whisper. I seat back down and release a heavy breath. "Cosima... I don't understand you. I really don't... What the hell happened to I don't want you around?" I ask, because I have to, I have to at least try to begin to understand how her mind works, because so far...nothing.

"I shouldn't have said that, it was..." She's looking down and I can see she's struggling with words.

"No... It's not that you shouldn't have said it, if that's how you feel." I interrupt her, I don't want her to say something that's not true. "What I want to know is why."

Cosima's smile gets a bitter end. "You know damn well why... It's not my problem you don't want to acknowledge it."

"Is that all you really want from me?" I wish I could stop myself from asking these questions, last thing I want is for this conversation to end like the last one we had in this exactly same place.

Cosima looks at me with a daring expression. "I don't know... What are you willing to give me?"

And that's just it, isn't it? What do I want to give her? What do I want from her? I don't know and this is not the time to think it over, not with Cosima's eyes examining me, a curious expression on her face, waiting for me to answer a question with millions of possible answers. However, there's no way that any answer that will come to my mind will be the right one, because my brain has abandoned me again. All that's left is the heat growing inside of me.

Cosima can feel my hesitation. Her hand goes to the back of my knee, just below the hem of my skirt. It's a soft touch, there's nothing demanding about it, it's more like a reminder of who's there, on the other end of this conversation.  _Like I need that reminder_... But I don't move my leg and when she realizes I'm not going to run, her thumb starts to move in circles, gently over my knee. I look away from her inquisitive eyes and down to her hand on my leg, swallowing down another lump on my throat.

"Delphine..." Her voice brings my eyes' attention back to her adorable face. "What do  _you_ want? Forget about everything else..."

She phrases it like that, but I know exactly what she means, Cosima doesn't have to spell it out for me. "It's not that simple." It's my weak response.

"Why not? You want it, why shouldn't you have it?" She's becoming impatient with my answers, I can feel it in the tone of her voice and in the grip on my leg, she's squeezing it harder, like wanting to get a more determined answer from me.

"Do you always do what you want?" I start, but then laugh at my own question. "What am I thinking? Of course you do..."

"That's not true, if it was we wouldn't be in this position right now..." She answers bitterly and moves her hand away.

"Cosima, that's not what I meant. It's just... Merde, I wish I had your courage and throw everything away and... I don't know." I breath deeply. "I don't even know what I want..."

"I can help you find out..." The smirk is back on her lips and her hand is back on my knee, but this time she's pulling a little on back of it, as if encouraging me to get closer.

I think for some time. "What's the longest relationship you've been in?"

She's surprised with the question and a little offended, if I'm not mistaken. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, when you're long enough with someone, you can't judge your relation for one single moment, one phase. You kind of have to judge it in its entirety." I say fast, before she has time to misinterpret my words. "There are times when it's hard, I won't deny it. But you can't expect to be flowers and romance all the time. You have to take in account all the history."

Cosima's quiet for some time, looking down, her thumb still moving absently over my leg. She looks up, straight into my eyes. "We can make our own history, Delphine."

A smile pulls at the corner of my lips with her answer.


	16. The Adams Family

Cosima's hand doesn't leave my leg and I start to feel the tip of her fingers inching up, slowly,  _very, very_ slowly. She's afraid, I can sense it. Her eyes are pricing mine and my body's temperature keeps escalating. We could, couldn't we? Make our own history, our own path and leave everything behind, because once I'm with her, even now, nothing else matters. The thought makes me lean forward, which causes the placement of her hand to go suddenly up. Too close...

I catch myself and stop her hand from traveling north, covering it with my own. "We're in the library." I remind her, as well as myself.

"So?" It's the only thing she offers, giving me a wicked smile, but doesn't make any effort to push her hand further.

Her nonchalant approach to it makes me finally move my leg away from her touch. "So!?" I ask in disbelief, looking hard at her. "Well, I know you're used to this sort of thing, Cosima. But I'm not..."

She pouts. "Okay, okay... I get it. Whatever..." Cosima moves, turning again to the desk, her eyes leave mine and go to her notes. I stare at her and I know the window has shut, my remark was enough for her to backpaddle. Whatever her intentions were earlier, they're gone and I just can't believe it. Isn't it normal for people to what to be more... discreet in public places? What the hell does she want me to prove? And why the hell should I want to prove myself to her?

"Cosima... " I call her lowly, she hums, acknowledging me, but doesn't look my way. "What are we doing?"

Her eyes stop on the paper in front of her. "I'm studying. I don't know what you're..."

"Stop!" My voice rises, I'm starting to feel exasperated with her loose answers. "You know that's not what I'm talking about!"

Cosima's eyes finally find my face again. "What do you want me to tell you, Delphine? Really? I can't figure you out, one moment I think I know what you want and surprisingly it's the same I do. The next you shut me off..."

That's when I realize we suffer from the same issue: we can't understand each other. Like she says, sometimes we're dancing at the same tune, but then... It's like we're speaking a different language. I've known for a long time this was our problem, but I never thought she felt the same way - lost.

She's still looking at me, waiting for some sort of answer. Waiting to see if I'll give her a green light or put a stop to it altogether. I raise my hand, meaning to reach for her cheek, trying to assure her that it's normal what she's feeling, that it takes time - if she's willing to be patient with me. But there's no contact, when I'm close to touch her, she moves her face slightly and my hand hangs dismissed in the air. I feel disappointed and confused when she returns her attention to the notes in front of her, with something resembling anger dancing in her eyes.

Suddenly I can't see anything on account of two hands covering my eyes. "Hey, babe." The familiar voice whispers in my ear and I can feel the warm breath covering my neck, before my boyfriend's lips reach my cheek and plant a peck.

I turn my head when his hands allow me to see again. "Al? I... I wasn't expecting you." I say, surprised.

"Well, I have a free afternoon and thought of make you a surprise visit." He says, pushing me up with the soft pressure of his hands on my cheeks. He kisses me. Not like he usually does when we're in public, he was never a big fan of PDA. But now he's kissing me hard, with his hands rounding my waist and pushing me against his body. I let him, my mind is miles away, not in the moment to register much of what's going on. Until it starts to work, still with his lips around mine, I start to wonder if all this is due to Cosima, because he might have been here long before he came to me.

When Albert finally releases me I look deep into his eyes, trying to notice any sign of what I fear, but no, there's nothing. Not as far as I can tell at least. "Hello Cosima!" He says to my study partner, his arm still around my waist, keeping our bodies close.

"Hey, Al..." Cosima replies. She has her face turned in our direction, but her eyes are not focusing on us.

"What are you doing here, Al?" I ask, looking at him, because I can't keep staring at Cosima anymore, not the way she is.

"I've told you... Surprise!" He says, with his typical small smile on the lips, raising his hands and waving them in the air.

An awkward silence sets in and I know I have to do and/or say something, this is not normal behavior. "Well, I'm almost done here, so if you could wait outside. I just need to pack my things."

"Oh, it's okay, I can wait here." He takes the seat in front of Cosima. "There's actually somewhere we need to go and I don't want us to be late."

There's nothing I can do but start to garb my things and put them in my bag. I want to talk with Cosima before leaving, but with Albert here my priority became take him away from her as fast as possible. "And where's that?" I ask, but don't look at him, pretending to be concentrated in not forget anything.

"My parents'! They've been asking when you would visit them again and my sister's in town, so... " He informs me.

It's not unusual for him to make plans for us both without me knowing, generally I'm pleased with it. I don't know many people here and have something else to do besides study it's quite welcoming. However, today I don't particularly like it, but I won't say it with Cosima close by. And it's her presence that's more notorious in my mind, I'm terribly aware she's here, listening to this conversation, even if she's polite enough to keep her head down. I know she's hearing us, even if she doesn't want to, it's impossible not to.

I have all my things packed and am ready to leave. "Bye, Cosima. We'll talk later, okay?" I can only hope she understands what I'm saying, what I'm implying: that our conversation's far from over.

Cosima looks up from her seating position, her eyes not letting me guess a damn thing. "Yeah, bye, Del..." And I hate it. I hate when she calls me that, closing her door. But right now I don't have time to think about what she meant by it.

No, now as I leave the library waving my goodbyes to Mrs. Croft, I have to focus on Albert, walking in front of me. "You could have warn me, you know..." I say as soon as we get out.

"I would but Carol showed up without letting anyone know." He says, looking back at me. "Apparently she's got a big announcement to make."

"Is she finally getting married?" I ask him.

"Seems like it. Just don't tell her, I think she believes she'll surprise us all." Albert says with a soft laugh. He and his twin sister are as close as anyone could possibly be.

"They cannot expect to surprise anyone." I point out. "They've been dating for what?... Two years?"

" _We_ 've been dating for two years..." My boyfriend says, offhandedly. "They've been dating for one and half."

I go silent, I know what he's implying, of course. But he knows I won't decide my life until I've finished my PhD... If I manage to get in, obviously. And he's fine with it, I know, we've only talked about it once, around the time we hit the one year marker, we had talked about our expectations, professional and personal. At the time our discourse matched, we both wanted to focus in finish school before we decide any further.

"Do you think they're moving too fast?" Albert surprises me by asking.

"I don't know..." I think for a while, walking next to him, until we reach his car. "They have their lives organized, right?"

He opens the door for me. "Yeah, I guess..." But there's doubt in his voice.

"What's wrong? I thought you liked Mark?"

"He's fine. By far the best boyfriend my sister has ever had." He drives us out of the parking lot and into the main street. "Not that is a hard thing to achieve, considering the group."

I hum and go quiet again. Albert's furious when it comes to defend his sister, or any other member of his family, for that matter. I've always liked it, the devotion he shows about those who are close to him, he'll always defend them, even if proven wrong, it makes no difference. For him, blood means everything, he won't betray it.

After the short drive we arrive at the gates of his family home. It's a big mansion, set on the hills, with all the comforts money can buy. I always feel self-aware when we cross the gates and today it's even worst.

"We should've stopped by my house, so I could change into something less..." I start, looking around. My eyes set on the elderly couple by the main door, his parents, warned of our arrival as soon as we passed the iron fence.

He shuts down the car and his hands go to my face. "What are you talking about? You always look beautiful." And to assure me he places a gentle kiss on my lips. "Okay, let's go face the lions!" He gets out and is fast approaching the door on my side and opening it.

"Ah, Delphine, I thought we scared you too much the last time you were here and decided to desert us." His father says, opening his arms to welcome me, as ever.

"No, not at all Mr. Jameson, I've just been having too much on my plate." I go to him after Albert pushes me further with the hand he has on my lower back.

"Oh, yes! I know what you mean. School can be extremely time consuming." He gives me a small paternal embrace. "And how is it going? Albert said you were working on your PhD..."

"Great!" Albert says, before I have time to answer. "Del is on the way to be a great scientist."

He knows he's lying, I've already told him how bad it went, this morning when he texted me asking how it went. But I won't say anything, this is not the time or the place.

"Delphine, my dear. How are you?" Albert's mother asks me, after eyeing me top to bottom, surly offended by my less than impeccable dressing.

Mrs. Jameson was always a woman hard to please, at least as far as I know her. Much more formal than her paramount, focused on the small details life sets in our paths. From the beginning I've had the impression I'm not the type of woman she imagined her son settling down with, even if she's much too polite to let me know bluntly.

"Fine, Mrs. Jameson." I answer her curtly.

"I am glad you could make the time to come and see us." She says, extending her hand and covering my own with her other when I return the gesture. "Carol will be delighted to talk with you again."

"Well, I look forward to see her again." I reply, excited for the first time since I left the car. Albert's sister is very different from the rest of the family, maybe it's because she moved out as soon as she entered college, picking a East Coast University, which according to my boyfriend was enough to send their mother on a rampage. She couldn't bear the idea of her beautiful little girl away, where she couldn't control her every move. Even with Albert I see it, even if he is a guy and was granted a lot more liberties, Mrs. Jameson likes to keep her offspring close to her heart... And to, well... Her.

I still remember the first time I had an honest conversation with Carol, she insisted it was not a warning, but she told me to tread careful around her mother. But by then it was already too late: when I finally allowed Albert to introduce me to his family we were dating for six months and that was just not good. I was upset at the time, but nowadays what I really wonder is how many of Albert's girlfriends did they meet if they wanted to know them from the beginning.

Now, seating on a very luxurious leather couch that I refuse to lean on, in the middle of a very well decorated living room, sipping at a very fancy Port, I can't blame Carol enough for not letting me know earlier about these little things the Jameson Family likes to do. Like pretend everyone is surprised when Carol and Mark announce their engagement with excited faces, filled with joy.

When we disband: Mrs. Jameson making sure in the kitchen everything is ready for dinner; her husband and son-in-law to be in the library, going over God knows what and Albert in his room getting ready for dinner - I'm left alone with Carol.

"Were you really surprised?" She asks me, with a knowing smile.

"Not really, we were kind of expecting it." I answer with an apologetic smile of my own.

"Yeah..." Carol chuckles. "I guess it's kind of hard to get the Family by surprise."

_Wanna bet?_ I think, before I can stop myself. "Yes, it really is..." I say instead. "I'm sorry for not being dressed for the occasion, but Albert picked me up at school and couldn't wait to see you, so..."

"Hey, no problem. It's nice, we can still pretend you had no idea." She says, laughing. "But I doubt mom was happy..."

"I don't know... I think I might be growing on her." I chuckle, thinking it's better to take this sort of things lightly than let them consume me.

My phone rings in my pocket and I take it off, raising my brow, not recognizing the number. "I'm gonna let you take that, better check on dad and make sure he's not thinking about make me a widow before I even get married." Carol says, leaving with a wide smile on her lips.

I watch her get into the library before return my attention to the phone. It's a text with an image. When I click to open it I'm faced with a picture of a joint and a "you're new friend has been waiting for you." The message's not signed, but it doesn't have to be, this has Cosima's name all over it. Then I remember I, in a stupid furious attack, deleted her number. "Can't. Busy. You know that." I text fast before anyone enters and it's so silly, it's not like they can guess what or with whom I'm talking with. Cosima doesn't reply and I feel a weird mixture of disappointment and relief.

Dinner is going well, as it always does with the Jameson Family, every course comes pointy on time, served with a grace reserved only for those who can. And there's never those awkward silent moments, because Albert's mother always has a new topic of discussion when we exhausted the last one. Sometimes I find myself believing she has them prepared ahead, just to be sure everything goes smoothly, certainly there's nothing worst than a table full of people looking at each other with nothing to talk about.

We're in the middle of the meat course, or the third of the evening, when I feel my phone vibrate on my pocket, because I neglected to put it back on my bag when I came to the table, like prudence taught me. I try to ignore it, but it's burning in my pocket, for the simple reason that I'm almost sure it's Cosima again. I take the opportunity the see it when the plates are being removed from the table. "Lose the douche and meet me where u got pissed the other night!"

I hide the phone's screen against my thigh, swallowing thick.

"Are you okay, babe?" Albert asks, next to me.

"I'm... I'm fine. Why do you ask?" I try to sound at ease.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, Del..." Carol informs me, with a worried expression from across the table.

"Oh, no it's nothing... Really." I chance a glance at Albert's mother, looking pointed at me.

Turning off the phone, I try to focus on the here and now. _Survive this goddamn dinner and worry about Cosima later_. And I really do, I really try, really hard, but it's not good, Cosima's on my mind. Constantly. I just can't get away from her and her suggestions, her daring invitations.

"Well, I'm sure Del wants to finish her PhD first..." I vaguely register Albert's voice next to me. "Right, honey?" He places the hand on my thigh to get my attention.

I look at him. "Sorry... I'm afraid I'm a little tired." I excuse myself.

"It's okay, Del... Just ignore them!" Carol says and something in her eyes tells me I won't like this conversation.

"This is not something to be ignored, Carol." Mrs. Jameson says in a harsh tone. "I would actually like to marry one of my children before they move in together."

Realizing what was being discussed I turn my face to Albert, who gives me an apologetic smile, but he won't say more than he already has. He's not the type to confront his mother in front of everybody else.

"Oh, I'm sorry if I offended your values by sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend before we had God's permission." Carol, on the other hand, never had any problems saying what comes to her mind, when it comes to her mind. "But some things cannot be helped..."

"Caroline Ann Jameson, this is not the type of talk to have at the dinner table." Albert's mother is turning all shades of red and I'm fighting really hard to keep my smile in check.

"Then where, mother? Where is the proper place to discuss sex?" Carol asks daring, a smile playing on her lips. She knows exactly what she's doing to her mother.

"That's enough, Carol." Mr. Jameson doesn't have to raise his voice too loud to get his daughter's attention and call her to reason.

I realize these dinners are a lot more fun when Carol's around and _hey_ it got me off the grill. So that's always good... I look at Albert and notice he's also fighting back a smile, giving me a playful wink and squeezing my thigh, reassuringly.

My heart stops... A realization hitting me, knocking me off my feet, battering inside my chest. This is not what I want! Those are not the eyes I want looking at me in a time of need and that's definitely not the hand I want on my thigh! It's confusing that a gesture Albert did to assure me he's here for me cause the exact opposite effect. Or better yet, brought my mind to the conclusion that I don't need his patronizing protection. I want someone like Carol, who's not afraid to say what she thinks.

I want Cosima!

 


	17. The Faint Taste of Freedom

The realization hunts me for what's left of the dinner and I can't chase it away. Every little thing Albert does, even the most sympathetic gesture throws me off the edge and I can't help the flat responses I give him, not caring if I'm a guest at his house. The truth is I just want this dinner to be over with. More than once I consider leaving without any explanations, but I know better than that, I can't just do it. So, instead, I endure the night and the endless supply of circumstantial conversations. Tonight not even Carol's funny remarks makes it bearable.

We've finished the dinner and are seated in the living room, the chatter non stop. I understand it, they're family and want to spend time together, but today I feel even more like a stranger in their conversations. It doesn't escape me that the reason for it has nothing to do with the people I'm surrounded by, but with the one person I crave to be with and is obviously not here.

"I really have to go." I whisper in Albert's ear when I can't take it any more.

"Just a little while longer." He says back in the same way.

"No, I really have to go. I want to wake up early tomorrow."

"You can stay over if you want to. I was planning on staying." He tells me. It wouldn't be the first time we stay with his parents, even if I don't particularly like it. However, tonight my resistance has noting to do with how uncomfortable I am with saying here.

"No!" I raise my voice with that perspective.

"Is everything okay, Del?" Carol asks.

I look around and notice everyone's staring at us. "I was just saying that I really have to leave." I explain loud.

"You can stay over, Delphine." Mr. Jameson says. "It's quite alright."

"George, if she needs to go..." Albert's mother clearly wants me gone and I swear I could hug her right now.

I start to get up. "Yes, I do. I have classes tomorrow morning."

"If you really need to leave." Albert gets up as well. "At least let me drive you home."

I'm already waving my hands. "No, no... If you could just call a cab. You don't have to be driving at night."

I'm fast saying goodbye to the Jameson Family, stopping just a little longer with Carol, thankful for what she has made me realize, although it's probably something she'll never find out. My boyfriend is right behind me and walks me to the door, which I jump to the moment I am told the taxi has arrived.

"I don't get it, Del. I thought everything was going great." He starts the moment we're out the door.

"That's the thing... You don't get it, you never do." I know I'm being too harsh with him, but my patient's running on fumes and I really, really just want him to leave me alone.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Albert asks in the same tone. "We were having a good time and then you just..."

"No, Albert!" I cut him off. "We were not having a good time. We are not having a good time for a while now." I walk fast to the car that's waiting for me.

"Listen... I know you're upset with what happened with the presentation and all..." He tries again, this time his voice's a little softer.

I take a deep breath and try to calm down. It's really not his fault, I remind myself, he just happens to be in the middle of something he can't possibly begin to understand. "Al... Just... We'll talk tomorrow, okay? Now I really have to go!"

"I know you're not going home..." He says lowly. "I'm not thick, I know something's different with you. Lately you've..." Albert lowers his head and moves to open the cab's door so I can enter.

For some time I don't know what to say, I just stare at him. "I'm sorry, Al. But..." I get close to him and pass my hand gently over his cheek. I wish I had something more to tell him, he deserves it for all the time we've been together. But instead I repeat what I've already said. "We'll talk tomorrow." Because I don't want to get into it, into the long talk we'll eventually need to have. Not now.

Now I just want to meet Cosima, it's with her I want to have a long conversation. It's with her I want to be, to figure out what to do. What this is. Albert will have to wait.

The taxi can't get me to the bar fast enough, although with every turn, the closer I get, the butterflies in the pit of my stomach become more agitated. What am I going to say once I get there? When I see her? When Cosima's in front of me? Then I realize I really don't care, for once in my life I'm doing what I want without thinking of the consequences. And it feels amazing, to just let go of the strings that pull me to every direction but where I want to go, who I  _want_ to be, who I  _have_ to be. I'm just... myself.

When we arrive I pay for the fare and jump out of the car, nearly stumbling my way to the security guard at the door, who let's me in without a second thought. I've been to this place enough times the last few years for him to know me, although today is the first time I come without Olivia, who I should thank for my fast entry, since she always flirts our way in.

The mix between house and base music is not loud, but the lights are low and now I realize it may be kind of hard to find the petit girl in here, so I take the phone out of my pocket to text her to meet me at the counter, since that seems to be the easiest way for we to find each other. The screen of my phone doesn't light up when I press the unlock button and I start to panic when the idea it might be without battery crosses my mind. I start to frantically press the button, only to stupidly laugh at myself, remembering I turned it off due to Cosima's less than... polite texts.

Waiting for the phone to turn on I look around the room once again. And I see her... My heart skips a few beats... My breath catches up... It takes me some time to get my legs to move in her direction. Cosima's at the counter, where I was walking to, fingers lightly tapping on the wood, obviously waiting to be served. I give a few steps her way and put my hand in the air so she can see me. But she's looking at the waitress, laughing at something she's saying before she places two drinks in front of Cosima. I see Cosima grab one with each hand, turn and start to walk away.

I walk after her, but the fact that she's holding two drinks slows my pace. I try not to read too much into it, she could be here with some friends. It doesn't mean anything.

The phone vibrates in my pocket, where I've put it after seeing her, but pay it no mind. It's probably Albert looking for some explanations. However, right now I'm focused in Cosima, who's going around the dance floor and stops near the back wall. I see her smile to whomever she's giving the drink to and says something to the person. I walk a little around the dance floor so I can see who's she talking to, because from where I'm standing the person's hidden from my sight.

When I see who is, I feel a wave of relief going over my body and smile to myself. I restart to walk in Cosima's direction, who's talking with Olivia. They seem to be having fun, laughing and joking. It's good that they are getting along again, I would hate to find myself choosing one important person over another once more. I maneuver in a way I'm not noticed by any of the two women, trying to surprise them. The smile seems to be glued on my face.

I'm three steps away from them when Cosima's arm goes around my roommate's waist and pulls her close. They kiss energetically and there are hands everywhere, tugging whatever piece of clothing they can find.

I'm frozen, turned to stone, can't move. I blink a few times, feeling my heart beating hard and painfully against my chest and I swear I can hear something breaking deep inside me. It's the vibration of the phone in my pocket, that wakes me up. Instinctively my hand goes to it and I press the unlock bottom, but I don't see what's in the screen, I just stare blankly at it, blinded by its bright light.

"Delphine..." I hear my roommate in the distance. "What... What are you doing here?"

I raise my head to look at her, but don't really see her. "I was invited..." My answer is mechanical.

"Delphine, I..." Cosima starts to say, both her hands going to her glasses, which she adjusts in that adorable way she only knows how. But she goes quiet, whatever thought crossed her mind she doesn't verbalize it.

I don't know what to say either, so I just turn around and start to walk to the door. I'm almost out when I feel a hand pushing at my sleeve.

"Del... Just wait up." Olivia says when I turn.

"Why? This is clearly a mistake..." I trail off, my voice void of all emotions.

"Yeah, it is!" My friend's hand doesn't release my coat. "We were just talking..."

"Is that what you call it?" I find something to grab on to and it's not understanding. No, it's anger.


	18. The Shit and the Fan

My roommate's eyes go wide open when she notices my disposition and she finally lets go of my sleeve. I take the opportunity to leave the bar. It's cold outside, something I didn't realize when I was walking in, but now it's enough to make me shiver uncomfortably.

"Delphine, can we just talk about this?" Olivia asks behind me.

"Talk, talk or..." I say with a bitter smile.

Cosima's leaving the bar as well, hands in her pockets, shoulders curved, trying to keep the night's frost away. We're standing right under a street lamp and I can see their faces clear. Both women's eyes are bright red and I know what that means. It shouldn't surprise me, considering the picture Cosima sent me earlier.

"Talk! I can explain..."

"Can you?" I ask Olivia, but I'm looking at Cosima with the corner of my eyes. "Let's hear it then."

"Why are you going at her? I was the one who pushed it." Cosima says, getting closer.

I look at her head on and notice she has a daring gaze. She's challenging me.

I'm quiet for some time, but I will not tell her the truth. I won't tell Cosima that the reason I'm directing my anger at my roommate and not her is because I'm much more comfortable dealing with Olivia than with her. That I don't believe I have the strength to confront Cosima, to address the issue with her, even because by all standards I don't really have a claim on her, I have no right to limit her actions, no reason to tell her what she did is wrong.

"Is this why you called me here? To prove a point?" I finally ask her.

But she seems confused. "What do you mean? I called you here because I wanted to be with you..." The last words were spoken lower, softly.

I scoff. "Obviously..."

"What I said... Greek Tragedy!" Olivia says, throwing her hands in the air.

I return my attention to her. "You didn't need to become a character in it, though." She drops her head. "Go home, I'll see you in a few." I say, raising my hand to a passing cab. I can't deal with them both at the same time, not in my state.

I help my friend get inside the taxi and instruct the driver to take her home with no detours. Cosima watches us from afar, not saying a word, but she makes no movement with the purpose to leave, either. The car drives away and I take my time to turn and face her, giving a few deep breaths, watching the taxi go around a corner.

"Delphine..." Her voice is low, but she's getting closer. "What happened... It happened, I was not trying to prove anything. One minute we were talking and next thing I know..."

I turn and look hard at her. "Don't!" I raise my hand for her to stop. "It doesn't matter what you say, you'll not have me believe you're too high not know what you're doing. Because if that was the case you wouldn't be here trying to find excuses for it."

"I'm not trying to find excuses, I'm trying to explain to you that it was not like I planned to lure you here so I could prove whatever it is you think I want." Cosima's voice rises a little and I know she's starting to get upset. "I just really wanted to have you here. When I texted you I didn't even know Olivia was here."

"And you thought what? If you can't get me here, you would go for the next best thing?"

"No, of course not!" She gives a step closer, but then retreats. "I kept calling and texting you and you never said anything the rest of the night. I didn't think you would come."

"I turned my phone off." I say absently, taking it out of my pocket and looking at screen as it announced several missed calls and four texts from Cosima.

"I just... I thought you didn't want to talk with me..."

"And  _that_  was your answer to it?" I ask incredulous. "To get back at me by sleeping with my roommate?"

"Shit Delphine... I didn't plan it. But Olivia was there and..."

"Okay, stop it!" I start to move closer to her, but my intentions are far from peaceful. "I don't know what pisses me off the most. That it was Olivia but could've been anyone else or the fact that you know how she still feels about you and you used her for... Whatever it was."

"Oh, for fuck's sake Delphine. Get off your high horse, will you." She's says, looking straight into my eyes. "It's not like you're so fucking innocent in all this crap. Do you realize how frustrating it is for me this pull me in push me back shit you're playing at?

"One moment you're there with me, asking me what this is," her hands moving between us, "giving me hope, the next you're gone with your fucking boyfriend to meet his family. How do you think that makes me feel?"

"What the fuck would you have me do, huh?" I refuse to back away from this fight. "Tell him to fuck off, right then and there? Tell him I'm leaving him for this girl I hardly know?

"Albert can be a lot of things, but I know I can trust him. Which is a lot more than I can say for you." At this she lowers her head. "And if nothing else, what I saw tonight only proved that." I start to walk away.

"Don't do this again, Delphine." Cosima says holding me by the elbow. "Don't run away from it. You know there's something here. Walking away it's not going to solve it."

I turn quickly to face her again, harshly moving my arm from her grasp. " _If_ there was something here,  _you_ were the one who ruined it, not me."

Cosima's hand on my arm catches me off guard, she pulls me close to her body until there's no space between us, while her other hand goes to the nape of my neck until our lips crash. There's no gentleness in it, she moves her lips roughly against mine and I find myself returning the hard kiss with eagerness, my own hands going around her back, gripping her shoulders from behind and pulling her to me. In response Cosima bites my lower lip and a sound resembling a frustrated groan erupts from her throat, her hand releases my arm and goes around my waist, pressing us together, while the fingers of her other hand leave my neck and move up, gripping my hair, only to dive her lips more into mine. Her tongue rolls over the spot on my lips where her teeth had sunk, moving up, pleading entry. I grant it and I'm lost. She passes it hard over the roof of my mouth and I lick underneath it, a strange sound pushes from inside my chest.

It's not until the hand on my waist starts to move to my lower back that I remind myself and push her away, she won't budge though. Cosima holds me tighter, but allows me to free my lips. I raise a questioning brow at her once I can see her face. Along with desire, there's something in her eyes I'm trying to read. Then she drops them, concealing them, preventing further inspection and her hold on me loosens considerably.

"Don't say there's nothing here, you know that's a lie." Cosima's voice is low. "You can say you don't want to do anything about it, but don't deny its existence. At least don't take that away from me."

I take a long time to answer and when I do, I'm already moving away from her arms. "If you feel that way, why did you do it? Why did you kiss Olivia?"

"Jesus, Delphine. I don't know!" Her hands start to move until they rest on her forehead and she signs loudly. "That's the God awful truth, I don't know."

"Well, when you do, you let me know."

And I walk away. I walk away because I know that if I give her time to answer I'll not be able to resist her and now I need some clarity. I can't ignore what happened, I can't pretend not to know how Cosima reacted to a few unanswered calls.

It's true I don't trust her, but I think she obviously doesn't trust me either.


	19. Let it Burn!

I decide to walk home. It's not far and I can use the time to think things through. Besides my body still needs to recuperate its normal temperature, I might have been cold the moment I left the bar, but Cosima sure took care of that and then some. I can still feel her hot hands around my waist, my lips feel swollen from the hard kiss and the ache in the pit of my stomach refuses to ease.

It bothers me she has this magnetic effect on me, that even after what I saw I still can't deny when she pushes the boundaries. She is right, of course: there is something between us, it's more than obvious, it's written in the fucking stone. We wrote it there, both of us, with our every action around each other, with every little touch, every spoken word. If I could erase it, take it back, I would, with no hesitation. Cosima is a lot more than I can handle, not only because she seems to enjoy testing my limits, but also because I think I'm willing to test them for her.

Some people might be comfortable with it, they could even welcome something like that. But not me. I like to have things my way, have some control, make decisions consciously and I can't with her near. And even if I ever considered changing that, like I did today, it comes back and blows up in my face.

When I arrive home I'm not surprised to see Olivia laid on the couch, her hands tightly clutching the remote, but her eyes shoot up at me the moment I step foot inside the house.

"Delphine, I..." She starts, her eyes moving from my face to her hands.

"Can we talk tomorrow, please?" I say, taking off my coat and hanging it on the hook we have by the door. "It's late. I'm tired. And you are not entirely sober. The conversation will not be very productive, considering all these elements."

"You're right." Olivia says, getting up from the couch. "But, I just..." Her eyes go to the ground one last time before she raises her head again to face me with sad eyes. "I want you to know that..."

"Tomorrow!" I stop her, raising my hand and placing it gently over her shoulder, looking at her, a tentative smile on my lips. Without another word I push my friend a little harder, making her spin so she's in front of her bedroom door.

All I wanted was a restful night, to get my mind in order, but I can't seem to get it, my brain insists in working overtime. I don't know if Olivia instigated some of what happened, but by Cosima's reaction, assuming all the blame, it doesn't seem likely. Why would she do it, if it was not true? And besides, I know Olivia, she has many faults, but she wouldn't create this situation, not by herself, not if there wasn't some sort of... incentive from Cosima.

Cosima... Who doesn't know why she did it, who wanted to be with me so much, but overreacted to a few hours of radio silence. At this I remember the unread texts in my phone and I reach for it, on my night stand. I bring up her first text: "Are u coming?"; then the next just reads: "DELPHINEEEEEEE!", I figure by then Cosima was no longer sober and the next one just confirms it, sent twenty minutes after: "I really, really, REALLY want to talk with you... Okay not just talk, we can find some sort of common ground, you know?" The last one was just "Fine! Whatever!"

I don't know what to make of it. It sounds like her own mind is not set in what she wants, flickering between a need to be with me and total detachment. I don't know who she is, which of the two versions of Cosima to believe: the one who seems to want me around beyond reason or the one who so simply dismisses me. Maybe it was too much for her to handle, having me there and then just leave her to go with Albert. It was a situation I rather had not occur, but it's not like I provoked it, I didn't know my boyfriend was going to show up uninvited when Cosima and I were trying to figure things out, when we were finally reaching a common ground, like she so wanted.

As did I, if for nothing else, at least to clear the murky waters we seem to be constantly swimming in. But, for christ sake, she couldn't possibly want me to tell Albert to piss off right that moment.

In reality I don't know Cosima. She is a stranger to me. The few talks we shared are a big nothingness in the life of a person. If she seems so irresistible to me has a lot to do with how she acts around me and the way my body and mind react to her, but nothing to do with my knowledge of her, of who Cosima really is, because I don't know it and she's not interested in showing it to me. Locked in her own world, Cosima doesn't grant me a visit to her life, to her mind, beyond what I already know. Every time there's an opening, she's fast closing it.

So fine! If she wants me out, I'll stay out. I am done playing her stupid games, in what's obviously a futile attempt to get some inside on her.

That's all fine! My decision is final!

Until I see her the next day...

In the morning I wake up to an email in my phone, informing that the results for the PhD applications are posted next to the admissions office and latter will be published on-line. For which I evidently can't wait. I leave in a hurry, Olivia's bedroom door's still shut, she'll have a late morning.

I reach campus in record time, but since I never turned my alarm on last night, the morning's well on its middle stages and flocks of students are pushing each other to get a look at the few sheets of paper pined to the wall. Some leave with a huge smile on their faces, a few give a huge cry of happiness, most leave quietly with their heads down. I want to find out about myself, but I refuse to get in the middle of the confusion, so I wait patiently for my fellow students to give me some space, staying a little behind the group.

And I see her. The small frame managing to escape the breaches left between the other students. Her face has a small smile, but she can't be very surprise to get in. "Congrats..." Cosima says, barely looking at me, as she passes by, not slowing down her pace.

For a moment I don't know what she means, then I get it. I'm in. She saw my name and noticed I'm in. I glance one more time to the group of students before walk after her. The announcement will still be there in a few minutes. "Cosima, wait!" But she's still walking fast, turning a corner away from everyone.

She doesn't stop until I get to her, almost running, but my longer legs win over her quick steps. She does stop, but doesn't turn, Cosima just waits until I say something. When I don't, she speaks, her back is all I see. "What do you want?" Her voice is low.

It annoys me, what the hell is she so mad about? Shouldn't it be me? "I won't talk to your back!" I answer in the same way.

"Then you won't talk at all..." And she tries to get away.

I hold her harder, keeping her from walking away. "Cosima... What's wrong?"

She turns at last. "Nothing! Nothing's wrong." Cosima shrugs, her lips forming an indifferent smirk. "I just realized I'm done!"

I'm staring at her, waiting for Cosima to elaborate. She doesn't, all she does is turn back around. "What does that mean?"

She looks back, but doesn't even face me again. "It means I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of giving you explanations, of answer your non-stop questions when you clearly have no right to them." And now she turns, looking hard to me. "I don't owe you anything. All you've done is treat me like crap, imposing your presence in my life..."

"Cosima that's not..." I try, but she's on a roll.

"No!" She gives one step closer, her face right in front of mine, but all I can see in her bright eyes is anger. "It's exhausting. I can do whatever I want, whoever I want and you don't have a say in it, because..."

"What changed?" I say low, more asking myself than her, but at least it makes her stop. "What happened?"

For the first time since Cosima started to talk, I see her hesitate, her eyes wondering in my face. "Maybe I just realize it's not worth it..." She swallows loudly. "You're not worth it.

"You should get back to your perfect little life and leave me alone!"

"But..." I say, but it's no good, she's already walking away. In my state of shock I let go of her and she took that opportunity to leave.

I keep staring at the empty hallway long after she's gone from my sight and don't move until I feel tears sting my eyes. Quickly I find my way to a bathroom, shutting myself in one of the stalls and staying there for God knows how long. I take a few deep breaths, keep my eyes open for as long as I can, all the tricks I know to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. All in vain. They keep falling, stubbornly. Stupidly, really.

I shouldn't be this upset. What she did, wasn't that what I planed to do, last night? I just lost my nerve, but she didn't. Cosima made a decision and followed through, informing me of it. She has made her choice, which of the two Cosimas she wanted to be for me. I should just let it go, go on with my life like she said. This thing, which was never really a thing it's over. She's done. I'm done. Just forget about it.

If only it was that simple. If only I could just forget everything and erase all memories of her. But I know I can't, it's not for lack of trying. Damn, how many times have I attempted it, always with the same result, always finding my way back to her, back to this weird dance we kept between each other. Cosima, however, doesn't seem to face the same problems. If the first time she told me to stay away she couldn't commit, now it's totally different. The first time was a consequence of what I said, what I did. Now, she made this decision on her own.

I don't think I can get any calmer than how I am right now, so I make my way out of the stall where I've barricaded myself and out of the bathroom. Walking absently around the corridors, until I reach the place where a few other students still are, scanning the paper in the wall. I do as them and see that I am indeed admitted to the program, but my name, like a few others has a mark in front of it and my eyes go down to the footnote that says I need to schedule a meeting with the responsible for the admissions. I type the email address in my phone and go to my next class.

In fact, I attend all classes that day. Not that makes any difference, I'm not there, my professors' voices are background noise to my thoughts. But it's a good excuse to stay away from my house, because once I'm there, I know I have to deal with Olivia and I don't think I'm ready for it.

After my last class there's no more escaping it. I could go to the library, but I'm afraid to find Cosima there. And even if I just peek through the door to make sure she's not, I don't think I can be there without remembering her.

Olivia avoids my stare when I enter, but I sign loud, gathering my strengths. "Okay, let's talk."

She looks surprised at me. "You sure? You look like you've had a shitty day."

I throw myself heavily at the couch, ending up right next to her. "No, no... I want to be done with this, once and for all."

"Right..." She looks suspiciously at me. "Last night... What happened, I didn't want to get in the way of what's going on between you and Cosima."

"Nothing's going on between Cosima and I." I say without looking at her.

"Well, I know you say that, but you two have been..."

"Nothing's going on between us." I repeat. "Apparently Cosima's had enough of my... indecision, I guess."

"What happened?" Olivia places her hand on my shoulder, pushing me close to her.

"Hmmm... Let's see..." I look at my friend. "She kissed me last night and this morning she basically told me to fuck off."

"Oh, my God, Del... I'm so sorry." She holds me tighter. "It wasn't because of me? Because of what happened..."

"No, I really don't think that. I just think she... Lost interest." I smile bitterly. "Too much work, I guess."

For a long time Olivia says nothing. She holds me close and let's me stay there. Then I hear a chuckle bubbling in her chest, where I have my head resting. I look up and there's a soft grin on her lips. "You know... You kind of kissed me last night. Secondary transference."

It is the silliest thing someone could possibly say in these circumstances, but I welcome it, because it makes me laugh and because it's something only my friend could think of saying.

"Just promise me something." She then says. "Promise me you'll learn something from all that's happened. Because all this shit without some sort of life lesson it's totally worthless."

"I will, I don't really know what, yet. But I will." I assure her.


	20. Lighter Than Air

The next few days are calm. Olivia kept asking me if I was okay until I tell her she can stop feeling guilty about what happened, that's absolutely not her fault, but apart from that things are back to normal. My friend can read me like a book and knows what I need now more than anything else it's a sense of normalcy.

Not once I see Cosima. Not even a glimpse. Apparently she has the ability to fall from the face of the earth whenever she feels like it.

One week passes and I start to believe Albert is giving me the silence treatment.

Two weeks and he texts me: "should we talk?" Simple, direct. No complications. I agree to meet him the next day at a coffee shop near campus, after school.

"Hey." He says, raising from the chair where he was sat.

"Hey." I say back, feeling awkward not knowing how to act around my boyfriend from two years.

"Wanna seat?" He points at the chair in front of him. I do. "Want something? Black coffee?"

I smile and nod. He knows me well. I know him, too. "Sure."

Albert signals the waiter and makes the order. "Listen, Del. I know things are weird between us. But if you don't tell me what's wrong, I don't know how to fix it. And I do, I want to fix it." He says once we're alone again, holding my hand that's on top of the table.

I look him in the eyes and retrieve my hand. "You want to fix it?" He nods eagerly, a smile on his lips. He's clinging to whatever little bit of hope he has left. "The other night... You knew I wasn't going home. Aren't you curious about where I was? Who I was with?"

"No!" Albert answers fast. "I really don't. As long as you're... you're back. That's all that matters.

"What you did, with whom you did it with..." He extends his hand over the table, palm up, waiting for me to meet him half-way. "All that's irrelevant. As long as it's done!"

"You don't care?" I ask in disbelieve. "It doesn't matter if I'm out there, screwing whoever? It makes no difference to you?" I'm pushing him, I know it, but I find it hard to believe that he wouldn't mind if that was the case.

He narrows his eyes and his arm joins the other under the table. "Were you?"

"No! Of course not. But you see, you were lying, you do mind."

"You're my girlfriend, obviously I mind." He says loud and I know he's reaching his breaking point.

"Then why did you say you don't care?" He doesn't answer, Albert just stares at me. "You'll say anything, won't you? Just to get me back..."

"I don't want to lose you, Delphine." His response is low, spoken under his breath, like he's too afraid to say it out loud.

After a long moment, looking hard at him, I lower my head and think about what Olivia said, about getting something from what happened between Cosima and I. These last two weeks I thought a lot about it, questioning myself, wondering what did I get from all that. And no matter how much I thought about it, the answer always seemed to escape me. For a moment was there, but it was always fleeting, it passed too briefly over my mind for me to get a good look at it, to finally understand its meaning.

Not now, though. Now I see it clearly, standing right in front of my eyes, like a neon billboard and I can't believe I missed it. "You already did." I say out loud, but it's not only to Albert, it's to myself as well. "A long time ago."

I look up at him, Albert's face stuck between shock and anger. "Actually, I don't think you've ever had me. The real me." My hand goes to my chest. "You had a girlfriend who suited you, but that's it. That person, the one you've known these last two years, is not me."

"What the fuck is that suppose to mean?"And now it's just anger in his voice. "I don't know you!?" He scoffs. "I've never stopped you from going where you wanted, if you did what I ask you to, was your decision. You always were who you wanted to be."

I smile at him. "You're right, I always was who I wanted to be." Albert's looking at me confused. "But it just so happens I didn't want to be who I really am."

"Are you high? Did you smoke any pot of that roommate of yours?" He laughs bitterly.

I laugh too, but it's an honest laugh. "No, not today." I say, but I'm sure that by the way I'm laughing uncontrollably he's not about to believe me. "I've been a fool... A total idiot."

Albert's staring at me like I'm some kind of crazy person. "I think you've been spending too much time with Olivia."

"Non... I really haven't. I've been spending too much time with you." I try to keep the chuckles from exploding in my throat. "This may come as a shock to you, dear, but I'm a lot more like her than like you."

"Del, I always knew you were special, that's why... why I'm with you, why we've been together all this time." He's moving to the bargain stage, although I don't understand why he's even trying. "This is nothing but a hiccup..."

"No, Al, this is a fucking revelation." I reach for the hand he eventually put back on the table, gripping at it tightly, like he needed something to keep him connected to the world. "Thank you!" I say heartily, lightly stroking his white knuckles.

"What the fuck are you thanking me for?" He arches his brows.

"For helping me realize this." I explain and he scoffs once more. I get up, placing a few dollars on the table. "Could you give my thanks to your sister? She also helped, but I needed one more push." Putting the strap of my bag over my shoulder. "And tell her I'm sorry I can't make her wedding, but I'm sure she'll understand."

I start to walk out and my hand's already on the doorknob when I hear his chair scratching the floor. "Is that it then?" He asks loud.

I look back one last time, he's standing, his big figure taking over the little coffee shop. "I'm afraid so." And I'm out the door.

I walk lightly, feeling happier than I've felt in a very long time. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Free of chains and all that has been pulling me down. I have the weird feeling that a world of opportunities just opened up, what I'll do with those opportunities it's a problem to contemplate some other time. For now I just enjoy the light sense of relief.

I arrive home to an Olivia relaxing on the couch, one look my way and she opens a wide smile. Then her face drops, probably remembering who I met at the end of the day.

"I guess that means you and Albert patched things up, huh?" She says.

I don't answer right away, taking my time getting off my coat and shoes. Then I walk to the couch and seat next to her. I look at her for a long time, the huge smile on my face never leaves. "I broke up with him." I tell her.

My friend's first reaction is to look shocked at me, like she doesn't believe or at least she takes her time registering the information. Finally, when the chips drop, she pulls me to a hug. "I'm so happy for you." Then she pushes my shoulders back and looks serious at me. "I mean, if you're happy with it?" She asks tentatively. When I nod in response, she holds me even harder. "Then I'm so happy for you."

"I've got to say, you're reaction to a break up is very weird." I say, moving my hands to her shoulders, pushing her back so I can get some breathing room.

"Not just any break up." Olivia allows me to pull away. "Does this mean you and Cosima..."

"This has nothing to do with her." I interrupt her, before she can go any further. "I made this decision because it's stupid to be with someone just for the sake of it.

"Not only that, it was not fair to Albert either." I explain. "He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him."

"Yeah, someone who'll take his shit..." She gets up. "So... You and Cosima?"

"It doesn't matter." I stare at the hands on my lap. "For all I know, she's still not interested in..." I trail off.

"Have you talked with her since?" I'm already shaking my head. "Maybe you should..."

"No..." I say low. "I need to be alone." It's the only thing I say and my friend doesn't push me further.

I don't know what she thinks of it, she makes no comments, just hums and nods her head. I don't know if she understands that, if I go to Cosima now, the decision I made loses its purpose. That what I need now is rest, peace. And, if for some miracle Cosima and I could work things out without waves, I still don't get that.

Besides, I don't know how Cosima feels, how she thinks. So far, me being with Albert never seemed to be an issue for her, it never stopped her from making her thoughts clear. The fact that I no longer have a boyfriend probably makes no difference for her. What she told me the other day may very well remain the same.

No. I need to be by myself. Figure things out. Maybe in the future Cosima and I can have that talk both of us craved so much at a point. But I really don't think it's time for us, there were too many hurtful words exchanged.

I guess this notion was brought to light not only for that reason, but also because I have so much more to focus on that Cosima would be an unwelcome distraction. Finals are around the corner and in two days I have the meeting with the responsible for the PhD admissions, which I still don't know what's about. When I received the email confirming the meeting it said nothing about the reason why it was set. Most likely it has to do about how poorly I did on my presentation.

At least when I reach the office and knock on the door at the day and time agreed, my mind is at ease. Not only the environment at my house has been a light one, but I also know I'm to be part of the program. If what they want is for me to prove myself once it begins, after the summer break, I'm ready for it.

When I enter I notice it's the same woman who was part of the jury that has been waiting for me. "Ms. Cormier, please take a seat." She motions for one of the chairs in front of her desk. "Let me start by saying that you being in the program it was not my decision."

I open my mouth to tell her I'm sorry about how I did in my presentation, but she doesn't let me speak. Instead she raises her hand with that stern face of hers. "But three of my colleagues were impressed enough with your written paper to give you a chance at this." She wrinkles her nose. "If it was up to me, that rather unimpressive presentation you gave would be enough to prove you don't have what it takes.

"But, alas, democracy has this problem. It only works when you agree, if not you find yourself in a position like mine." She stops, looking at me.

I think she's expecting me to agree with her. "All I can say is that, what happened at the presentation was a mistake." I swallow loud. "I can do much better than that."

"I certainly hope so. Our program's very demanding. We cannot afford to have someone less than brilliant to be part of it." She then chuckles. "On the other hand, if my suspicions about you turn out to be true, at least I get to say to those three assho... my colleagues: I told you so."

She stays quiet for some time again, but this time I have no idea what to say. Nothing at all, I'm drawing a blank. All I can think about is that I don't even know her freaking name. My eyes scan her desk, looking for some sort of mention of it, but find none.

She twitches her mouth at my silence. "Alright..." She moves a few papers on her desk. "That being said, we've decided to assign you a lab partner. Most of our students in the program will be having lab time alone."

_Oh god, no!_

"But we decided to pair our... least gifted students with some of the most promising. To make sure the first don't screw up."

_Please don't!_

"But we were careful not to have students working in the same type of projects, sharing lab time."

_Anyone but her!_

"Ms. Niehaus will be your lab partner."

_Merde!_

"Make sure not to ruin her work, stay away from her way."

_No problems there._

"Listen to what she has to say, follow her directions."

_Fuck!_

"You can learn a lot with her!"

_I'm sure I can._


	21. Summer is Coming

The exams are at the door and they are the only thing I try to focus on. Of course I'm not very successful in that endeavor, but I do my best to ignore the amount of changes my life went through these last few weeks.

The house is in full study mode, with Olivia and I maneuvering our way through the exams, each battling to surpass the hurdles our professors choose to put in our way. The fact that we don't have the same study habits leads us to only see each other in the night when I arrive home to get some sleep, at which hour Olivia is only starting her day of studies. Since she prefers to study during the night I don't even get to see her in the morning, because when I get up my roommate hasn't been in bed for longer than an hour.

The routine is exhausting, but weirdly comforting. I get up early in the morning, make the small walk to campus, only stopping on the way for a quick coffee, before spending the entire day stuck in the library, except for the half-hour I take a break for lunch. When Mrs. Croft closes the library and literally kicks me out, I return home, have dinner and review what I studied during the day. Go back to bed close to mid-night and start again the next day.

This routine breaks when I have an exam that day. I still get up early, even because I force myself to go to bed at the same hour (not that I can get any sleep). If the exam's not until later I take the opportunity to go over once more what I've prepared, but once I'm done I take the rest of the day off and spend it with Olivia, if she's also free or just relaxing on the couch, watching the worst TV show I can find. Basically, I dumb my brain.

I do see Cosima once during all this, when I'm getting ready to start the exam before the last I scan the room behind me and see her seating in the last row, but I quickly turn my head straight again and tell my brain it's better to ignore her presence, remembering what happen last time I was under testing and she was present. I'm not saying she's responsible for my bad performance, but she was a factor. If Cosima is there, she'll always be a factor, because there's something in her, I don't know what, that pulls me to her, not physically - or well, not always - but emotionally. And I can't absolutely get into that now.

I endure the exams and am actually very proud of myself for managing to look back only once, seeing Cosima's head down, the hand that's holding the pen moving at an impossible speed and yet I can't imagine how can it possibly keep up with the velocity in which her brains works. When I'm done, still with time to spare, I deliver the answers sheet and look to where I know Cosima is... Or was, since she's not there anymore. She finished first and left without I ever noticed.

I leave the room and walk slower out the building, even make a brief stop at the bathroom, hoping to see her there. But no, she's definitely gone and so should I, enjoy rest of the day, because tomorrow it's time to start to get ready for my very last exam before the break.

In a way I'm sort of relief, if I did have the chance to talk with her, there's no saying how it could go... This is how I reason with myself, trying to keep the ache away. She probably didn't even see me, although if she had and had indeed waited for me or something like that, I'm not sure if it would've been with good intentions or just to get another go at me.

It consumes me the rest of the day: had she saw me and decided to ignore me, because she really never wants to talk to me again. Well, if that's the case it will make my time in the PhD program that much harder... Or is it easier? Certainly if that's her resolution it will make it easier for me to forget about her. Right?  _Right?!_

I'm sure my face is the mirror of my concerns when Olivia arrives home and sees me, pass the hour of my bed time, still in the couch staring blankly at the TV, the bowl of popcorn forgotten in my lap.

"Are you okay, Del?" She asks me, passing one hand in front of my eyes.

"Huh?" I look up at her, blinking a few times. "Oh, yeah, yeah... Everything's fine!" I assure her, because she has an exam tomorrow and I don't want her to lose focus due to my shit.

She plops herself on the couch next to me. "I can't wait for this crap to be over." Olivia signs loud, than moves around a little so that she places her legs on my lap, once I put the bowl on the coffee table. "How did yours go?"

I start to take her shoes off, along with the socks, which I trow to her face, earning a groan of protest. "Good! Almost there."

"If you're gonna have me barefoot, might as well rub them." She informs me, raising one of said feet close to my face.

"But they smell so bad." I whine, looking at her.

"Don't give me those lost puppy eyes and work, bitch!" We laugh a little and I think I can give her what she demands. "Oh... That's the stuff... Yeah, right there..."

"You're lucky you have an exam tomorrow or I would twist one of your toes in such a way you wouldn't be able to walk tomorrow." And I give her a harder squeeze to her big toe.

"Whatever... I like it rough." She snorts. "Are you gonna spend your summer in France?" Oliva asks after we were quiet for a while.

"Yeah... I leave once the grades are out." I tell her.

"I'm gonna miss your massage skills."

As it turns out, the grades are pretty much what I expected, more or less. And it's good that at least I still control one aspect of my life, it's nice to see the results of my hard work once again. Soon enough, I'm packing, as is Olivia, who will spend the summer in the deep ends of Mexico, which I'm afraid to ask exactly where it is, but I wish her well and tell her that I really hope she returns in one piece, since it will be hard to keep the rent on my own.

After the summer's over we'll get back and work in our PhD, which she manages to get in just barely... Really, like myself, however she was not as upset about it as I was. "Fuck this shit... I'm in! Fuck them all!" Olivia had scream when she got the news. She's a rebel, that one.

I arrive in France to the open arms of both my parents, waiting for me in Charles De Gaulle airport, only to pack again, because my parents have graced me with the trip to Italy that I remember asking them since I was a young girl and found out there's a world outside France.

I had hoped that being away from Cosima would be enough to ease my mind of her, but, boy, was I wrong. As we are walking the streets of several cities in Italy, I can't keep away the feeling that she would love this, the vibrant cities and - who would've thought - some people talk with their hands as much as the little brunette.

However, these feeling are not as clearer as when we spend a week in Florence. The narrow streets, the many Street markets, at every corner there's a little store promising to sell unique items and at every available parking spot a vespa is parked. I have the strangest sensation this is where she belongs. Cosima belongs in Florence.

My parents have noticed my disposition all trip and I manage to brush it off, saying that I'm just tired from the end of the year, but I can tell they are not buying it. They probably think it's because of my breaking up with Albert, which I've told them about when they asked if he was going to join us later in the summer, like last year.

"He was not good for you." My father's voice comes to me low, when we are enjoying a nice gelatto, by the Arno River with a beautiful view to the Vecchio bridge, in a futile attempt to chace the hot air away, like so many other tourists near us.

I look at him, surprised he's talking about it. My father was never the type to give me his thoughts on my relations, always gave me freedom to make my choices, no matter how much he disagreed with them. "I know that." I answer after a while.

"Good." My father's still looking at the river passing in a lazy tempo in front of us. "Because I hated the way you acted around him, always doing as he told you. That was not how me or your mother expected you to turn out when we shipped you to the States.

"As a young girl you were always kind of difficult." I watch my father as he laughs and gives his chocolate ice cream another lick. "When you set your mind to something it was a battle to change it. So, last year, when you introduced him, you can understand how worried we were."

I laugh lowly. "Hmmm... Yeah, I guess." It's all I have to offer.

"So, if it's not because of Albert, what's got you so thoughtful?"

I think for a while, eating my ice cream. "I guess..." I start, but change strategy mid way. "What if I'm not who you think I am?"

He frowns his brows, looking at me. "You were not who I think you are last year. So if something changed, it can't be that bad, right?"

I nod slightly. "I think so, but..."

"Delphine, you always had a knack to add but's to everything." He wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to him. "You think too much."

This time I laugh hard. "Yeah, you're not the first person to tell me that..."

Next I see my father open his mouth wide. "Your mother knows that there's a limit to what we can take back home, right?"

I turn in the direction my father's staring and see my mother carrying an enormous amount of bags, a big smile on her face.

The remaining of the vacation my father doesn't touch the subject again, but as we are saying our goodbyes back in Paris, he reminds me again, whispering in my ear. "Don't think too much, darling."

The many hours trapped in a plain makes me want nothing more than throw myself in bed and delay the unpacking for the next day, during which I'm still not recovered from the transatlantic and  _transamerican_ flights, the fact that I'm also suffering from a sever case of jet lag doesn't help. Maybe I should have come back sooner to the States, but I wanted to spend every last second with my parents and I would be coming to an empty house, because Olivia won't be back for another three days. So I, foolishly came back two miserable days before I had to present myself in campus.

The day in question I find myself falling back asleep after turning off the alarm and turn to the other side. When I have the presence of mind to look at the clock it's already 9.15 and I was due in school at 9. I throw back the covers and am out of the house in ten minutes, at the expenses of skipping breakfast and all the necessary personal hygiene apart from trying to make some sense of my hair and splash cold water on my face.

I arrive 45 minutes late, take a deep breath and knock on the door of the lab where I'm most likely will spend the next six months agonizing.


	22. You Better Get Back

I wait for some sort of authorization to enter the lab, but none comes, even if I can hear voices inside, soft laughs make their way through the door. Another deep breath and I turn the doorknob. The despicable woman from the meeting is there, facing the door, her eyes leave the small woman in front of her, only for brief seconds, not saying a word to acknowledge me, but I notice a slight change in her demeanor.

However, I find myself mimicking her, not giving her much or any of my attention, because it's the little frame in front of her, still with her back turn to me, that attracts my every sense. My breath's trapped in my lungs, suddenly forgetting how to do something so innate as to breathe, my heart's racing in my chest, drumming wildly in my ears. _God, I've missed her._ Just her presence in the same room, just knowing she's there, within my reach, the mere knowledge that it only takes a few steps to get close enough to touch her.

It takes all of my self-control not to go immediately to her, another shadow in Cosima's orbit, drawn to her magnetic field, circling around her, like everyone seems to want to. Even the professor who's talking with her seems completely smitten, as Cosima talks lively, her hands moving around, saying something I can't make from where I'm standing. It leads the older woman to smile widely and then the smile turns into a soft chuckle.

I decide to let them talk and look for a place where I can land my bag. The professor doesn't seem to like me much and interrupt the conversation will get me nowhere, especially since I'm (very) late. At least Cosima can charm her to the point she'll forget about my lack of punctuality.

"Good, you've decided to join us at last, Ms. Cormier." The professor's voice comes to me as I am trying to check my phone discreetly.

My head shoots up. "I... err... Yes. Good morning, doctor!" I stutter, remembering I never got the woman's name and vaguely recalling my plan to search for it the previous night, which I obviously never did.

She raises her left wrist to glance at her watch. "I guess it is still morning." She lowers her arm, looking harshly at me, waiting for me to admit yet another area where my incompetence is overflowing.

Unadvisedly, I look away from her stare and move my eyes in Cosima's direction. Her head is low, trying very poorly to hide the amused smile forming in her lips. If I expected some kind of help from her, I was dead wrong. Looking again to the professor I force my brain to formulate an answer to the question that's branded in her remark.

But the woman's on the move, fast grabbing her summer blazer and purse, she had on top of the table next to where they were having such an animated chat before I arrive.

"I already went over the details with Ms. Niehaus, so you can get them from her." She dresses the coat. "Make sure not to forget next time we schedule a meeting. I don't enjoy being left waiting for students."

"I didn't forget..." I start, but lose my voice mid sentence, when I realize she's not interested in my excuses.

She turns her back to me. "So... Next week, yes?" Cosima nods with a smile on her lips. "Maybe you can tell me a little more about that theory of yours, Cosima." And she walks out the door, shutting it behind her, without another word.

"Merde." I breath out, seating heavily on the closest stool. I can hear a light chuckle and raise my head to see Cosima laughing, moving her head left and right softly. "What's so funny?" I ask, my mood not improving.

"You should see your face." She gives a few steps in my direction, but stops, keeping her distance. "Like a puppy that was denied a treat or something."

"And you like that?"

"Would it make me a terrible person if I say I enjoy it a little?" Cosima asks, getting a little closer, resting her lower back against a table in front of me, crossing one of her ankles over the other, completely relaxed.

From where I'm seating I have a clear view of Cosima. She knows. She might have kept her distance, but she deliberately placed herself where I could see her. The not so ashamed smirk on her lips assures me of it. I indulge her and let my eyes admire the figure in front of me. Cosima's hands are holding the table behind her. Her toned shoulders discovered by the dreads pulled up and the thin straps of her dress, in the fresh light blues and greens of the warm summer, tight enough for me to guess the flatness of her stomach and the curves of her breasts, which a generous cleavage reveals have gained a new, darker color with the summer sun. Equally tanned legs are exposed from her knees down, where her dress ends, floating loosely around her thighs. Simple, brown, flat sandals keeping her petite in size.

Cosima's smirk grows wider when she notices I'm not avoiding my staring. And all I can do is swallow dry, running my tongue along my bottom lip and bite down.

"So?" She asks with a spark in her eyes, behind her spectacles.

"Quoi?" The softness of her voice making me hum in response, lightly clearing my throat.

"Does it?" Cosima gives a few steps, shortening the distance and stops only when she's just a few inches away, until I can smell the vanilla in her. "Makes me a terrible person?" She clarifies, looking down to where I'm still seating.

I give an awkward laugh. "Maybe a little. Is never a good sign to enjoy someone else's misery." She's standing too close to allow me to maintain some sort of coherent conversation, but I try it anyway. "And we both know how much you enjoy see me like this, which only makes it worse."

I watch as Cosima literally bites her tongue, clutching her jaw, just slightly, the spark in her eyes igniting into a tiny flame. "I do, don't I?" Her teeth trap her lower lip, her eyes burning in my face. "Against my best reasoning." She shakes her head and gives a step back, starting to turn around.

"There's something I want to tell you." I start, trying to hold her by the wrist, but in a fast movement she releases my weak grasp and continues to walk away.

"What makes you think I want to hear it?" She asks, but doesn't look at me.

I lower my head and think of a good answer to that, the best I can find.  _Because it's good news; because I couldn't wait for the summer to be over, so I could tell you; because I'm ready to put all that's happened between us behind. Because I'm finally ready for you!_ But somehow in all those answers I find a hint of a lie and I can't shake away the feeling that what I'm about to tell her won't be received in the way I expected.

Cosima's distant. With every step she gives away from me, she digs a barrier between us. Perhaps I've fucked up so bad with her that there's no way for Cosima to... I don't know... Show interest again. I don't fucking know.

"Cosima... I know when we last talked things were... complicated." I give another shot.

"They were not complicated!" She answers me from almost the opposite end of the lab. "They were clear as water... For the first time since we met.

"But I guess you didn't like to be treated the same way you did to me then." She's talking nonchalantly, her hands stop moving only when she goes through her bag, from where she takes her phone. "I understand, I didn't like it either." She goes quiet and starts to text.

"Dammit Cosima, I didn't know you and you were very..." I get distracted by the sound of her phone, when someone replies to her text. "Frontal! How did you expect me to react?"

She won't answer, instead Cosima's attention is on the phone, typing away, a smile on her lips. "I don't know... Like a half decent human being, I guess. You see, you accused me of play you from the get go, but the fact is you were the one who kept me around, giving me hope just to snatch it away whenever you didn't feel like it.

"Now that I've said no more you what?" She's talking like we're just discussing the weather. "Decide to give me another drop of hope so I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for you to whistle." She puffs jokingly. "I think not!"

"That's not what this is about." I finally get the opportunity to answer her. "I was..."

"You were what, Delphine?" Cosima's looking sharply at me, showing for the first time since this conversation began how upset she is. "Confused? Scared? Perhaps a little annoyed even?"

"Yes, to all of the above."

"Right!" She says flatly. "Believe it or not, I've met girls like you before and I can tell you that down the line there's nothing but the vague memory of bad sex for me and a spicy story for you to tell your friends over tea. So why don't we spare each other the annoyance of having to cross the street whenever we pass by..."

"NO!" I shout getting up, because I need her to stop before she says something she can never take back, at least I can give her that. Cosima's eyes leave her phone once and for all, quietly putting it back in her pocket. "I know I did not handle things with you the best way I could and I'm very sorry for that. But I also don't believe I deserve this kind of treatment from you.

"I don't know why you're saying these things and if you're not ready to tell me, I'll accept it, because I know I owe you some patient." I continue and she lowers her head, convincing me of my next few words. "But I need you to stop saying those things, especially when you clearly don't believe them."

"Great! Now you know what I believe in." Cosima bites back, but she has lost her earlier nerve, it's nothing but a weak attempt at trailing the same path. This time, however, she's not even convincing herself. "Can you read minds?"

"No, I can't. But I can see what you're trying to do." I say much softly, walking a few steps her way, but careful to keep some distance.

"And what's that?" Cosima's looking at me, fortunately not moving away from my approach.

"You are trying to hurt me." I say and she looks away. "And I'm willing to take some of the beating... For some time... But I have limits and you don't want to cross them."

"Why is that?" A ghost of a smile appears in her lips.

"Well... We are kind of stuck with each other for the next six months and I don't think it will be very pleasant if you keep going at it." I answer matter-of-factly, trying a smile of my own. "So why don't you tell me what Dr. Whoever told you and we can start."

"Who's Dr. Whoever?"

"You know... The professor you were flirting with just now." I explain before I can stop myself.

She laughs gently. "Oh, you mean Dr. Ford. She's awesome." Cosima grabs a notepad and turns a few pages covered in her letter. "And I wasn't flirting, I was merely telling her about what I intended to do."

"Never thought science projects could be that funny." I get closer once she motions me to with a glance.

"They can, Delphine, they really can." Cosima says cryptically.

I have to laugh at her answer and she looks at me, moving a little closer, a smirk on her lips that's she hides after clearing her throat. The next twenty minutes we spent them leaning over a table, as she walks me through what we're supposed to do. Basically we have free access to the lab after all the regular classes, as long as it's to work on our projects and even if Cosima informs me that I'm not allowed to be alone in it, she also says that she'll be here every day, because what she's working on demands it.

"And if I'm not and you need to come over call me or text me or something." She says getting her bag over her shoulder, preparing to leave. "You still have my number, right?"

"I have it on the picture you sent me with the joint." I admit with a smile.

"You still have that?" She chuckles.

"Oui... I don't know why, but I couldn't find it in myself to delete it." I move also getting my bag.

Cosima shakes her head and laughs some more, always softly, never a big laugh. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever heard her laugh in an enormous way.

We walk out the lab, making sure the electric lock shuts and silently make our way outside. The sky is bright blue, typical for the end of summer, a gentle breeze makes the locks of my hair go wild and Cosima's dress to dangerously float freely.

I'm about to warn her to be a little more careful, when a woman about our age, closer to the brunette's hight than mine, dressed in tight jeans and a simple black top, approaches her from behind and puts the floating to an end as she presses her front against Cosima's back, surrounds her waist and whispers something in Cosima's ear. She's carrying a motorcycle helmet that she hands to Cosima.

They start to walk in the direction of the parking lot, but not before Cosima turns and winks at me.

_What the fuck? There's no way I'm gonna let this stranger take... Wait what?_ I manage to stop myself from thinking, but it makes no difference, the idea has gained roots in my mind. And even if I try to convince myself that, in reality, I have absolutely no right to think like this, I'm no more successful in chase those thoughts away than Cosima was earlier in convincing me that she's no longer interested.


	23. May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor

The next two days turned out to be pretty uneventful. School was yet to start and, although my class schedule would be a lot lighter than the previous years, at least I would have something to distract me, which I desperately needed. With Olivia still on vacation the house feels too big for me alone and Cosima...

Cosima was... gone. Not that I didn't see her, because I did, every day, late afternoon. Usually already in the lab when I arrive. But something was different with her. There were no longer the cold words she gave me the last two times we met - true. However I have the weird feeling she's not the same person who so... enthusiastically search for my attention. And I can't help the tug in my heart that it is due to this new girl.

Whoever she is, Cosima seems to light up every time we leave the lab and she is there, always waiting, helmet in hand that she always gives to Cosima, who accepts it and they start to walk in the direction of the parking lot. Cosima never fails to turn around and wave my way. I still haven't asked who she is or what she is to Cosima, probably because I'm more than a little afraid of the answer.

Meanwhile our conversations remain stalled, the air around us thick, between slightly discussing our projects and circunstancial comments about our summer, the dark clouds over our heads stubbornly refuse to leave. I arrive home just before dinner, frustrated and angry with myself for allowing things between us to get so bad. Refusing to consider the extent of what I would give to have the old Cosima back.

On the third day I see a light of hope.

I arrive at school with my mind set to keep my stay the shortest possible, for two reasons: Olivia arrives today and I miss her terribly and leaving earlier will spare me the ache I feel every time I have to watch Cosima leave with her new... whoever.

However, when I approach the door to the lab I find it still locked and no signs of the little brunette. I reach for my phone and search for the "joint message" (I really should just add her number to my contacts list) and start to type a text.

"Yeah... You should have come with us." I hear the familiar voice down the hall, just before I hit send.

"I know... But, c'mon, you know how my mother gets." A female voice answers.

For half an heart beat I fear I won't, after all, be able to escape the hard squeeze on my heart, as the idea that Cosima decided to show the lab to the other girl grips my brain. But as soon as they turn in the hall and stand just before me, I sigh in relief. The girl next to Cosima is no less gorgeous than the one who waits for her outside, quite the opposite, she's actually very stunning. Elegant, about as high as I am, skinny jeans and a close fitted top revealing her graceful form. I smile wide, never thought I would fell so grateful to see Cosima with another woman.

But you see, here's the thing... The fact that she is with someone else, in my mind, proves that whatever she has with whoever is not serious.  _Right?_

"Hey... Hmm..." I say smiling. "Jen, right?"

"Yep. How are you, Delphine?" The girl possesses the same easygoing manners she presented when we went out to dinner.

"Not too bad." I answer, the wide smile keeps growing. I look at Cosima, whose eyes shift between us both, a brow cocked.

Cosima opens the door and I walk inside feeling a little lighter. It might be selfish, I should want Cosima to find someone who makes her happy all the time and that new girl seems to fit the bill. Cosima's different, calmer, she seems to be more in touch with herself, as far as I can tell. I should be able to be happy for her, because apparently she found a stabilizer, a balance.

I am not, though. And I know exactly why.

It should be me the one who provides that to her, not some stranger she met over the summer. I should be the one giving her comfort and setting her mind at ease.

I hear the door close and look back, confirming she's alone.

"Back to your old ways, I see." I try to sound blasé, not too happy, but I don't think I'm very convincing.

"What do you mean?" She asks, setting her bag on one of the free tables.

"Jen. You're going out with her again?"

Cosima laughs and I'm confused. "We never did, she's a friend. An old one at that. We grew up together." She explains as her hands fly. "It would be all kinds of fucked up."

"But..." I'm growing more confused by the second. "The dinner?"

"You think I would bring someone who I wanted to..." She's amused and can't stop to chuckle. "Shit! No way. She happens to be the hottest friend I have. I just wanted to get under your skin, you know... make you jealous."

"I see..." It's all I can muster, as I watch her get closer to the table where she has her things.

"I thought you knew. I mean, it's not like we pretended to be strangers." Cosima continues to laugh to herself. "At the end of the night I imagined you figured it out." At this, she looks at me. "So tell me, did it work?"

I keep staring at her and squint my eyes. "Yes, it was very effective." Even behind the glasses I can see her eyes widening, it's obvious she was not expecting me to admit it. "But you cheated!" I add, playfully.

"Hey... All's fair, right?" She says, turning her attention to the petri dishes, sliding one under the microscope and raising her glasses to the top of her head.

Cosima won't go any further in that topic, she doesn't want to talk about it. Like the last two days we were forced to spend together, Cosima avoids talking about what happened between us before the summer break. It seems like a tabu, the big elephant in the room - we both know it's there, feeling it heavy over our heads, but don't address it. But I've had enough of it, I'm tired of she ignoring it and I refuse to do it.

"Cosima." I call, trying to get her attention away from her work. She only hums. "Perhaps we should go out again. No cheating this time."

"Can't." She doesn't even look at me while she answers. "I'm dating."

I'm glad she's not looking, it makes it easier to hide how disappointed... hurt... lost I feel. "The girl who's been picking you up?" I'm sure I sound defeated, but I have no strengths left to pretend it doesn't sting.

"Yep. Kate." She says. And still not looking at me.

I don't say a word for a long time and go to work on my own project. I never thought I could feel so empty, void of all fighting, the ache in me... all of me, rendered me silent. I don't trust myself to speak again, not for many minutes. How did I let this happen? I should have made up my mind sooner, much sooner! But no... I freaking couldn't see what was right in front of me, I thought I should give it some time, let the dust settle, to somehow see clearer what was so damn obvious. Thinking I should take time. That we had time, that there was a moment when we could finally meet, finally work things out.

"Is it serious?" I ask after a long time.

She looks at me at last and I can't hold her stare, which makes it impossible for me to read her expression, but that's preferable than she being able to read mine.

"Yes." I hear her say in a low voice.

My eyes glued to the lens of the microscope, adjusting the zoom but seeing nothing. "Oh, okay."

WHY? I want to scream. What makes her so damn special that you decided to settle? But I don't. The answer, if she gave me one, terrifies me.

I pretend to do a few more things so I don't rush out after that, but as soon as I think enough time has passed I grab my things and go to the door. It's not until I pass it that I hear her voice again.

"Fuck, Delphine!" Cosima gets close to the door. "Are you okay? Why are you leaving so soon?"

"I'm fine." I focus on put a smile and turn to look at her. "Olivia's arriving today. I want to be home when she does."

I don't wait for her answer, I can't. I just turn and walk away.

But when my roommate arrives she finds me laid on the couch with a pillow over my head. I may have spent a few minutes screaming into it in a release of frustration... or not...

"Holla, chica!" She screams as soon as she closes the door. "And that's the extent of my Spanish."

I raise my head and stare at her. She's red like a lobster and has a wide smile. A bunch of bags and luggage on the floor. I have to laugh, I don't care how bad I feel about what happened earlier, I see Olivia and my mood improves.

"Oh my god, did you fall asleep in the sun?"

"Yes, several times." She gets close and gives me a tight hug. "But more importantly..." She moves to her bags. "I come bearing gifts!" She produces a bottle from one of the bags. "You're going to loooovvvveee this."

I take the bottle of some translucent liquid in my hands as she sits on the couch next to me. "Pox?" I read the label.

She nods. "Listen to this: it's used for some kind of religious ceremony. Strong as fuck!" Olivia taps the bottle. "But it's named after a virus... Now, if that doesn't make your life worth while, I don't know what does. Because... You know, immunology."

"I doubt it's named after the virus." I say to her matter of factually. "But it's very smart of you. Congrats..." I joke.

"First time I saw it, I was like: man, Delphine's gonna flip!"

"You think of me when you see a bottle of liquor?"

"Hey... At least I thought to bring you something." She gets up and starts to move her stuff to her bedroom. "What did you bring me?"

"What makes you think I did?" I tease, looking at her moving back and forth.

Olivia pretends to be very offended. "You wouldn't!"

I chuckle. "I brought a few bottles of wine. It's in the kitchen."

"Good! You can't go wrong with alcohol."

I let her finish unpacking and move to the bathroom for a much needed shower. When I leave the bathroom my friend raises her brows at me.

"What's that?" She asks, pointing at me

"What?"

"Pj's!?" Olivia scolds. "I thought we were going out?"

"Why?" I move again to the sofa and turn on the TV.

"The dynamic duo it's back together." She takes the remote from my hand. "I think this calls for a celebration."

"Please don't call us that again." I try to get what she took from me, but I'm still seated, which makes my efforts rather useless.

"You know... We might run into a particular short, dreadlocked sexy lady..." She says, turning off the TV.

"That's the last thing I want." I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Oh my fucking God!" Olivia dramatically says. "What now? Do you think you need to wait more? She's not gonna be alone forever."

"No she won't..." I lower my head. "She's dating!"

"Crap! But, c'mon it's Cosima, it doesn't mean..."

"She says it's serious." I cut her off. "And I know it is. I've seen them together, there seems to be something there... More than just a..."

"Damn, really?" I nod and she sits next to me. "Well... Fuck me!"

"Yeah..." I say low.

"Who's she? Do we know her?"

"I don't. Never saw her before." I tell my roommate, who seems as baffled as I am hurt. "But that doesn't mean anything. I don't exactly move in the same circles you and Cosima do."

Suddenly my friend gets up and goes to her room. "Okay, what's her name?" She asks when she returns to the living room, computer in hand, already turning it on.

"Kate." I answer, but I'm distracted by what she's doing. "What are you doing?"

"Fuck, you sure that's her name?" She wants to make sure. Olivia opens the Internet browser and goes to her Facebook page. "If it's who I think it is, than..." She doesn't finish.

"I'm sure, Cosima told me." I see her scan friends of friends. "Why? Is it bad? And wouldn't be easier to go to Cosima's page?"

"Cosima's a freak like you, who doesn't have Facebook." She stops, looking close to several photos. "And yes, it's bad."

I don't ask anymore, I know if I need to know Olivia will tell me.

"This her?" She asks, indicating a photo where I see a group of people in what seems a night out.

I take a closer look. "Uh-huh... Seems like her... Younger thought." And I notice the date of the post, nearly six years ago. Then I look at the girl, Kate, again. She has her arm over the shoulders of someone smaller, a girl with a inimitable smile, there are no dreads, but the nose ring was already there. "They've known each other for a long time, huh?" I comment, worried there's a lot more to it.

"Worst than that." Olivia closes the lid of the laptop and sets it on the table. "Kate was Cosima's first girlfriend. And there's nothing worst than a first girlfriend."

"I'm sure there are worst things, I mean... She's obviously not the same person she was in that picture." I say, aiming at the laptop.

"Delphine, you don't understand, but I'll teach you..." She turns to me and moves my shoulders so I have to face her. "Your first girlfriend it's not just the first girl you kiss, go to second base or even all the way. She's the one you were with when you're discovering this new world, filled with things you either never imagined or never experienced."

"I  _had_ a first boyfriend. I know exactly what..."

"Del, you're my friend and I love you, but you don't know shit!" She says in her most serious face. "Not like this... You're never truly free of the ghost of your first girlfriend and I'm not saying everyone wants to get back to that, but... If things were left unresolved..."

"And they were between them?" I ask, getting more worried as my friend talks.

"Kate left to study away, at least that's what I was told. And if suddenly she's back for good and wants to get back with Cosima..."

"What you're saying is that I missed my chance?" I didn't think it was possible to feel more defeated.

"I'm not saying that..."

"You need to speak clearer then, because that's exactly what I heard."

"God, Delphine, you and Cosima were a train wreck." She explains. "You pushed her too far. And then the ghost shows its face - the ghost being Kate, of course. She's saying she wants Cosima back, that she made a huge mistake in leaving her, that she wants things to get back the way they were.

"Cosima's pissed, frustrated, getting nowhere with you. What does she do?" Olivia asks, but I know it's rhetorical, so I wait for her to answer her own question. "She gets back to what she knows. Old habits die hard. Kate's there, Cosima knows what she can count on. That's not saying she's making the right call."

"How do you know that Kate's not the right call, that they don't belong together?" I start to play with the hem of my shirt, because I need to do something with my hands.

"I don't. Only Cosima knows it." My friend's hand goes to my face and she forces me to look at her again. "What do _you_ feel when you're with her? Do you think Cosima's ready to let you go?"

"I didn't think so, but now you're telling me all this and I just... I don't know." I breath deeply. "I mean, I had the feeling she... But then I saw them together... I don't know."

"Yeah... That's very helpful!" She says sarcastically. "Do you want her?"

"I'm not getting between Cosima and her girlfriend! She deserves to be happy!" I say loud, too loud. Perhaps I want to convince myself of that more than I want to convince my friend.

"Bullshit! Just admit it! It's killing you inside." She gets up, but goes nowhere, Olivia just stands before me. "If you don't try all this crap has been for nothing."

"I don't want to look like a fool and go after someone who wants nothing with me." I speak with a bitter edge in my voice.

"If you don't want to look like a fool, then you don't deserve to be in love." My friend says with a wink, then she clears her throat and puts a formal voice. "Well, I've decided to help you in your endeavor!"

I start to laugh. "Why?"

"I kind of like you." She jokes. "You're my friend. I've seen how you look at her, how you seem to become more alive when she's close, even if you two were not in the best of terms. There's a different spark in you in her presence." Olivia laughs softly. "It's was not always used in the best possible way, but... Damn... What can you do?"

"You sure this is a good idea?" I have to ask, no matter how tempting her proposition sounds. Although I doubt she's the right person to answer.

"Cosima likes you too, if that's what you're worried about. It was so fucking obvious from the beginning, only you couldn't see it." She twitches her nose. "And I kind of like her too... She doesn't deserve to be sucked into the  _first girlfriend's black hole"_ she air quotes, "not when she can have you!"

"What If she doesn't..."

"Nah-ah... We worry about that when we need to worry about that." Olivia holds my hands and pushes me up. "Until then, I'm your champion!"

"Jeez... You make it sound like it's a battle." I laugh.

But she doesn't, my friend's face is incredibly serious. "No, not a battle, but a war. Yeah, baby, this is the Hunger Fucking Games! It's kill or be killed!"


	24. See Me Coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay.... Okay... I get it, you don't like to wait...  
> Love the response I'm getting.... It makes me work faster, it really does... I'm kind of lazy to write and having you busting my metaphorical balls it forces me to do something about it :D
> 
> Super thanks to the super amazing Cophine for beta this for me...

It was probably already afternoon when the light that comes through my bedroom window is upsetting enough to make me get up from the bed, which doesn't happen without much effort. Last night Olivia and I were up until very late, catching up with one of the bottles I brought from France, which eventually turned into two. The hangover from wine is bad, but it is still better than the one from beer, so after a long shower I am almost ready to face the world.

I try to move around the house quietly, my roommate's bedroom door is still closed and I think I can hear a light snoring coming from inside. It's nice, I feel so much more comfortable with her home. I move to the fridge after my stomach let's out a loud groan, complaining about the lack of sustenance, but just the idea of eating something makes me feel nauseous, so instead I decide to try to bring some order to the mess in the kitchen.

I'm almost done when I feel some movement behind me. "Oh my god... I feel like crap!" Olivia complains, taking a seat in the chair.

"Yeah... Welcome to the club." I turn around to greet my friend with an easy smile.

"Could you get me a glass of water?"

I go to the fridge and take the bottle and fill two glasses and join her at the table. "We should go out and have something to eat, we have nothing fresh and we need something light."

"I know..." She says after drinking all the water in one gulp. "I know I need to eat, but just the idea of food..."

I nod." Right... We shouldn't have drank that much."

"No, I think our problem was stopping in the first place." She laughs and I join her.

We both know that we need to eat, but somehow end up on the couch, watching TV and feeling too tired to do anything about our rumbling stomachs. I think we doze off for some time, because when I open my eyes again the sun is much lower. I take the remote from my friend's hands and press the button to see the time on the screen.

"Oh, merde..." I get up fast and move to the bedroom.

"What the fuck..." Olivia stops at my bedroom door.

"I need to get to campus." I say, losing my shirt.

"What are you going to do?" Olivia's moving back to the living room, but my door is open so we can continue to talk without screaming.

"I'm going to check on my work." I answer, reaching out for some bright gray trousers and pull them up my legs.

"About Cosima, you shit..." I hear from the other room.

"I don't know." I say truthfully while putting a button up shirt over my shoulders. Last night Olivia managed to convince me that I had to be more proactive, but that doesn't mean I know exactly what I'm doing. I move to the living room still working the buttons of my shirt and notice my friend eyeing me with a reproving look. "What!?"

"That's what you're going to wear?" She asks, her hand pointing at me.

I look at myself. "Yes. Why?"

"Delphine, you need to work with God gave you." She gets up and moves to my bedroom. "Your boobs are... Meh..." She's rummaging my closet. "But you have killer legs."

I look at my chest. "Meh?! I never had any complaints." I say, laughing and watching my friend throw one of the shortest skirts I have at my bed.

"Well, they're not bad, but your legs.... That's what you need to work with." She proceeds to point at the very small skirt she picked. "Put that on!" She orders before she leaves the room.

I'm still laughing but do as she says, after all she probably knows Cosima's tastes... I suddenly stop my line of thinking - Olivia knows what Cosima likes... They were together, like together, _together..._ And it's not like I didn't know that, but now I'm very aware of that fact. I move out of my room and see that Olivia's still chuckling softly.

"Is...Uh... Is Cosima a breast woman?" I ask because I have to. I try to make it sound at ease, but deep down my mind is racing.

My roommate looks at me, still smiling, but once she notices that I'm serious, she stops. "Del..."

"Forget I asked... It was stupid." I walk to the cabinet where we keep our shoes.

"Okay.... That was awkward." She says.

"I know... Sorry." I sit on the couch next to her to put my shoes on.

"No, no... I get it. There's no ignoring that." She bumps her shoulder with mine. "Cosima likes boobs... But I mean... Who doesn't, right?" I look at her and she winks. "However... There's something you should.... Nah, never mind."

When I notice she's backtracking and no longer joking, I get worried." What?"

"Nothing... Forget it." Olivia gets up.

But I hold her wrist, preventing her from getting too far away. "You are going to tell me!"

"You sure?"

I nod.

"Okay, Cosima... She..."

"Olivia! For fuck's sake!"

"She has... Uh.... She has a piercing."

I raise my brows. "So?"

"There..."

I'm confused. "Where?"

"Well... There!" She looks down herself.

"You mean..." I gulp.

She nods.

"Well... That's..." I really don't know how to react to that.

The Olivia bursts into laughs. "Oh, man... You should see your face... Priceless!"

"You fucker!" I grab the slipper and take aim, but she's fast getting away from it.

"Honestly, I think your majestic legs and magical hair will make up for your lack of boobs." And she won't stop laughing.

I get out before I can succumb to the need to kill my best friend and walk to campus. I'm still ten minutes late, but unless things have changed, Cosima's should still be there, usually taking thirty or so minutes to compete her work. When I arrive, I knock on the door for her to let me in. I can hear the steps as she approaches the door and soft whoosh as it opens.

"Hey..." Cosima greets, but her voice trails off.

"Allo, Cosima." I step inside and hear the door shut. "How are you today?"

"I'm good... Err... Thank you." Her voice is small, the usual cheery tone absent.

I look back and notice her hand is still on the doorknob and she's a little flushed _. Mission accomplished!_

"It's so hot today, oui?" I say and walk to my desk. And God, I know this is low, but Olivia is right: I need to do something.

"Yes... Yes it is." Cosima finally moves away from the door and walks to her desk, on the opposite side of the lab.

That just won't do. I need a good reason to keep her close, to keep these meetings from continuing as a sea of nothingness, where we only talk when we arrive and leave. First order of business is to be sure Cosima is really beyond my reach, that she truly wants me to stay away. Ironically, the only way for me to be sure is to risk being rejected again. But that is a risk I'm willing to take, if for no another reason than to help me move on.

I look at Cosima, her nose buried in her notes. She takes off her glasses and peers through the microscope, cursing under her breath.

"Everything okay?" I ask.

Her eyes leave the lens and go to me. "I'm not sure."

"Anything I can help you with?" I resist the urge to approach her.

She pushes her glasses up her nose. "You know when you have a great idea, but..." She stops and shakes her head. "Never mind..."

"Well, whatever it is, I'm sure you'll figure it out." I say and resume my work.

After a few minutes of hearing nothing from her side of the lab, I glance her way only to find her looking at me, but she quickly hides her stare. The need to get close to her is stronger than ever, and I'm forced to flex my leg muscles to keep them still. I can feel Cosima's stare again, pulling me towards her, that magnetic impulse screaming for contact. I don't know what to do. If I've decided to do something, the possibility that the results could crush all my hopes... I don't think I'm ready for it. I know I thought I was willing to risk it, but...

_What the fuck am I doing?_ This second guessing was what got me here in the first place, this stupid indecision that freezes my movements. I get up before I can lose my nerve and approach her. She's looking at the microscope again, having resumed her perusal the moment I moved.

I stop a small distance away, not invading her personal space. "Are you sure there's nothing I can do?" I miss the hidden meaning of my words until they're out of my mouth.

"I don't know if you recall, but my grade was much better than yours." She says, still looking at the damn thing. "So I don't know why you think you could help."

"And I recall we agreed you were going to stop that." I say, unable to completely keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"What do you mean?" Cosima's talking to her notes now. "That's not a lie."

"Is it that hard to be nice to me?" I ask, taking one small step towards her.

Cosima briefly looks me in the eyes, then tries to move past me. I don't let her, taking one step to the side to stand in front of her.

"Get out of my way!" She says, but it's low, without the usual roughness she has reserved for me lately when we talk about anything other than the weather.

"Go around." I say and motion my hand to my side, where she has plenty of room to walk away.

Cosima raises her head to look at me and narrows her eyes. "I know what you're doing, Delphine." She says very low.

"Good, Cosima!" I answer in the same tone.

Her stare pierces my soul, reaching every nerve, and an electric current flows through my body, making it buzz. As much as I want to read her, to understand what this look means, I can't. I never could. This girl has always been a mystery to me. I recall Olivia's words, many months ago, when she said I couldn't understand Cosima and that was the reason I couldn't keep away. While she was right then, it's less true in this moment. Now, I don't think it's the only reason I can't move on from her. It's also the way she makes me feel whenever she's close. I think I might have become addicted to this, to the amazing feeling of having Cosima close enough that everything else disappears.

Actually I know I am... Terribly addicted to her. And like any addict I can never have enough, I always want more, searching for any possible way to get my next fix. So, even if I can't be sure if the stare she's giving me is one I should trust, I move my hands to her neck, noticing her pulse race beneath my touch, feeling her skin hot with my fingers and the soft hairs of the back of her neck rising.

"Do you really want me to stop?" I echo her words, written to me long ago, looking deep into her eyes. "Say it and I'll stop."

Cosima tongue peeks out to moist her lips. "Delphine..."

Her phone rings, cutting short our conversation and she moves away from my touch.

"Yes, I'm done." She says into the phone. I know who she's talking to and I refuse to hide the fact that I'm paying close attention to her conversation. "I'll be right out." She ends the call and then asks me. "You're done too, right?"

"Shouldn't you have asked that before saying you were leaving?" I say, still annoyed and dismayed at the interruption, especially considering who's responsible for it.

"Whatever..." She starts to get her stuff.

And just like that, the Cosima I knew is gone, back to the ex girlfriend's black hole, but there's no fucking way I'm going to let her stay there for much longer. Especially now that I'm sure _my Cosima_ is still there, hidden and maybe a little broken - but still in there. I just need to smoke her out.

We walk outside not exchanging a single word after that, she's pacing fast and I find it hard to keep up with her, despite my longer legs. The moment we're out I see her.

_Fucking bitch!_

_No, no, Delphine, she's not to blame here._

Cosima reaches her and kisses her hard, like she never did any other day. She's proving a point.

_Yep... She has to go. Go back to the ex girlfriends' hell where she came from and never come back._

"Whoa... Awesome!" I hear Kate's raspy voice.

"I know! Right?" Cosima answers. Then, as if she doesn't know that I know the spectacle is for my benefit, she turns around and talks to me. "You're not coming over this weekend, right, Del?"

God... I know she's provoking me on purpose, Cosima knows damn well what she's doing, but I can't help but fall into her trap and her words hit home and I'm fighting for a reply.

Suddenly, my head is being pulled slightly down by soft hands and I feel lips gently brushing mine. I'm too shocked to do or say anything, but with my open eyes I look down and see very familiar green eyes staring at me, with a very familiar amusement dancing in then. Olivia winks and it all falls into place. I put my arms around her slender waist and pull her to me.

"Hey babe." My roommate says, not low enough to be for just us two.

I know it's stupid, juvenile and so wrong, so mean, sooo very idiotic... But I can't help but feel a little happy when I hear Cosima's voice.

"What the fuck?!"

 


	25. Dodging Bullets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once more: Thanks to Cophine for Beta this weird little thing

Olivia moves to my side, carefully replacing her joking smile with a simply happy one once she's at my side, her arm loose around my waist, her fingers secured on my hip.

"Hi, Cos! How's it going?" She asks a shocked Cosima.

"Fine!" The little brunette answers flatly, after a few seconds. "You?"

"Glorious!" My friend's smile grows and the arm wrapped around my waist tightens its hold. "Let's go?" She says to me, her lips close to my ear in a gesture of intimacy.

I just nod, still too startled to produce a decent answer. I follow my roommate's lead walking away, looking back briefly to see that Cosima's staring at us leaving. Once we're home Olivia and I can formulate a game plan, decide what we're going to do next, because, so far, I have no idea what she thinks I can accomplish with this. Won't this new situation drive Cosima further away?

We're almost out of the parking lot, when Olivia stops and looks back. "We're getting drinks after dinner." She says loud to the couple next to a bike, putting their helmets on. "Perhaps you could join us?"

"What are you doing?" I whisper discreetly to my friend, watching the two other women looking at each other, deciding if they will come or not.

"Relax, I know what I'm doing." Olivia says back, equally low, before they reach us.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." Kate says eyeing us, once they're close. "I'm Kate." She introduces herself, since her  _girlfriend_ still hasn't spoken a word.

"Hello, Kate. I'm Olivia." Olivia's arm leaves my waist as she goes for a limp, half-hearted hug.

Meanwhile Cosima and I are stuck staring at each other. She has a weird expression, her lips are slightly twitched, still not sure what to make of this. Her eyes move from my face to my waist, where Olivia's hand goes to again. Cosima frowns, clenches her jaw, looking back at me.

"Aren't you dating Al?" She doesn't bother to hide the acid in her words.

"Are you kidding me." Olivia says, laughing a little, pretending to be oblivious to Cosima's bitterness. "She dumped his sorry ass months ago. I thought you knew."

"No, I did not." She answers, now a little softer.

Cosima's trying to keep her temper in check, that seems quite obvious, but even though her words are not so sharp, the quiet anger in her eyes remain and she's staring at me like I betrayed her, for some reason. I want to remind her that I tried to tell her, but she was very peremptory in dismissing my every attempt. It's not my fault she remained in the dark about that little detail for so long. This situation is her own doing. Had she been a little less harsh and a little more willing to listen to me, this wouldn't have happened.

"Delphine, right?" I hear Kate say to me and look at her.

"Oui... Uh... Kate?" I really don't think this can become any more awkward.

"I got to say, you're quite a mystery to me." Kate says, proving me wrong. "Every time I asked Cosima about you, she changed the subject." There's something that looks like a challenge in her expression.

"Maybe she thinks there's nothing interesting to tell." I give a side glance at Cosima, who seems to be very interested in something on the ground.

"Yes, that must be it." She seems pleased with my answer.

Cosima's still looking down and an awkward silence grows between us. We're all able to understand that, so we quickly say our goodbyes after making the arrangements to meet later.

And to think this is just the preview of what's to come after dinner...

"What the fuck were you thinking?" I ask aloud, the moment we're inside our apartment.

"I just wanted to pick you up. Maybe see what has gotten you so upset about Cosima's relationship with Kate." Olivia explains. "Then I saw what she was doing and decided to intervene."

I go to the kitchen and take two beers out of the fridge. "Well, it was a terrible decision." I say already inside the living room and handing one of the bottles to my friend.

"She was doing it to spite you." Olivia takes a big swallow and points a finger at me. "You know that, right?"

"No shit!" I sit on the arm of the couch, cradling my beer. "But... I had just made my intentions clear inside. What will she think after this? We're going out, but I'm still hung up on her?! That's exactly what Cosima's thinking right now... at home... with Kate wrapped around her." I finish my venting and go for the beer.

"She might!" Olivia says with a smile. "But she's also wondering if we're doing the deed." She winks. "And believe me, that's bothering her a lot more than all of those things you just mentioned, combined.

"Did you see her face?" Olivia continues, laughing softly. "I don't know why you were having doubts about her. It's so obvious Cosima's jealous."

"Or she could just be extremely confused," I say looking straight at her.

"Of course she's confused. I can't believe you still hadn't told her about you and dickhead." Olivia extends her legs on the couch after she kicked off her shoes. "What were you waiting for?"

"It's not like I hadn't tried. She kept cutting me off before I got to that part." I get up and go to the drawer where we keep the take out flyers.

Olivia is quiet for some time, looking at the ceiling and occasionally bringing the bottle to her lips while I make the call for Chinese. I don't bother asking her what she wants; I know what she usually orders, just like she knows my favorites. We really are like a couple; an old married couple who knows each other's little things and don't have sex.

"Right! That's even better." Olivia says loud and when I turn her a questioning look, she explains. "She must be pissed that I got to you first. It must be eating her alive."

I look suspiciously at her. "Right! But how do you know this won't just push her away? That she's not gonna stop..."

"Delphine, this thing between you two cannot become more fucked up than it is already." She says getting up. "Do you really think she can be further from you than she already is?"

I think about how Cosima has been acting around me these last few days: when she's not ignoring me, she's trying to hurt me. The only time that didn't happen was today, when I decided to be more... industrious. Olivia might be right, I need to force Cosima to react, because she's not going do it on her own. I can't say that I blame her; when she did it I drove her away. It's my turn to try to get something from her and hope she doesn't act like I did.

So... This might not be the best idea ever and it can blow up in my face, but, lacking a better solution, I'll go along with this one. Besides, I know this way I can get something out of Cosima, even if it's a glare, like this afternoon, but it's better than to have her ignoring me completely. If she gets mad, at least it proves there's something there; she wouldn't get this upset if she was indifferent.

That sounds like good logic, yes? Yes, yes it does. And I'm just gonna ignore the possibility that in continuing down this road might very well result in driving Cosima irreparably away.

We arrive at the bar twenty minutes early and in all honesty I don't know who's more nervous, me or Olivia. Making a quick stop at the counter for drinks, I order a passion fruit juice, not wanting to add alcohol on top of everything else, and sit at one of the many tables that are free at this early hour. It's not even ten, after all.

"Okay, how far do you want to play this?" Olivia asks once we're sitting.

"What do you mean?" I take my eyes from the door and look at her.

"Like PDA." She explains smiling. "Touching, kissing, groping..."

"Oh... Okay." I stop to think carefully. "Uhmmm... No groping, let's keep it light."

She nods, laughing. "Okay... If you want to up the game, just... bite my ear."

I chuckle and my eyes go to the door again, where they stay glued until I see Kate walk in, dressed in tight jeans and an equally tight shirt. She's good looking, I'll give her that. Her long auburn hair is loose around her shoulders and even though she's just a few inches taller than Cosima, her lean figure makes her look taller in stature. The brunette follows closely behind, their linked hands making my stomach flip in anger. They look around the club, clearly searching for us and once their eyes find our table, Cosima gives a little hand wave.

"Take it easy, Del." Olivia says next to me, placing her hand just above my knee to keep it from rocking up and down.

I peel my eyes from the other two women, who are also making a stop for drinks, and look at my friend. "I'm cool." I try to assure her.

"Right..." She laughs low.

Once they reach us, Cosima's eyes go immediately to Olivia's hand on my thigh and she squints a little, her lips losing the casual smile she's had since she arrived.

"Hi!" Cosima says, before she wiggles out of her black leather coat, revealing strong shoulders.

She's wearing a skin-hugging dress in warm reds and hot oranges; short enough to rival my skirt with her dreads tied up in a sloppy bun. I bring the drink to my lips to hide my stare as she takes the seat in front of me and crosses her legs. Her arm goes around Kate's shoulder and she smirks at me, her eyes shinning.

"So Olivia, how was your vacation?" Cosima asks my roommate, but she's still looking at me with that smile on her lips. It seems as if she's recovered from her earlier shock.

"Good. Mexico's amazing." Olivia answers, ignoring the fact that Cosima is not making eye contact with her. "But I can see that yours was a lot more interesting."

"Why do you say that?" Cosima finally looks at her, her brow cocked.

Olivia's eyes go to Kate and then return to the girl in front of me. "It just seems that a lot has happened since we last spoke." She puts it politely, but the intention is there.

Kate sifts a little on her side of the sofa. "Maybe Cosima realized some things needed to change." She answers.

"If she wanted to change, she wouldn't have returned to old habits." My friend says, leaning forward.

"It's only normal to get back to old habits if the new ones are so shitty."

Kate's directing her anger at Olivia and not me, which makes two things very obvious: she knows about Olivia's history with Cosima, but not mine. I look between the two girls arguing, then at Cosima, who's looking back, despite the conversation at the table. I might be wrong, but something tells me that she is watching me closely, perhaps waiting to see what my reaction will be to this new information. And it's weird; taking all things into account, she should be the one caught off guard, yet the way I feel now is no different than the way I felt all along with her. It still feels like I need to prove something to Cosima.

"Or perhaps she still doesn't know any better." I dare say, looking straight at Cosima, determined to take back control of the situation.

"And what's that?" Cosima asks, her eyes still on me. "What's better?"

"If you don't know that, I'm not the one to tell you." I lean back on the sofa, placing my hand on the back, casually letting my fingers brush Olivia's shoulders. "I guess you need to figure that out on your own."

"She doesn't need to  _figure out_  anything." Kate says, looking at me as if she's evaluating how much of a threat I am. "She has me!"

"Is that right?" I ask, absently reaching for my glass.

"Yes! That's exactly how things are." And to solidify her statement, Kate reaches for Cosima's hand.

"Actually, I don't doubt that. Not even a little bit." I take a big swallow at my juice, as if it could somehow give me courage for my next words. "The big question is, do you have her?"


	26. Testing Boundaries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cophine is super amazing in beta (ing?) this for me

I carefully watch Cosima's reaction to my words, and after a couple of seconds, which I imagine she's using to process what I've said, she opens one of her sly smiles. She picks up her drink, which she immediately brings to her lips, covering her grin. It doesn't matter to me; I saw enough to prove me right, especially since her eyes don't leave mine while she takes a big swallow. When she puts her drink back down, she's no longer smiling, but her deep brown eyes are still on me.

"I understand your difficulty in believing something like this, but my relationship with Cosima has absolutely no resemblance to the one she had with your current girlfriend." Kate refuses to lose her serenity with my words, in truth, she's out of her depth and still hasn't realized it.

"I wouldn't call what I had with Cosima a relationship." Olivia calmly answers, except in her case it's totally justified. "I think that it was just a great deal of fucking. Wouldn't you agree, Cos?"

Cosima's eyes leave me and go to Olivia. "Yes, I'm very inclined to call it that." She says, nodding.

"There!" Olivia's gestures dramatically at the little brunette. "So, you see? In comparing both  _relationships_  you're doing yourself a great disfavor."

"You're right." Kate's words are still smooth, but Olivia is quickly trying her patience. "Actually, I wouldn't call anything of what Cosima had while I was away a relationship."

"And how would you know that?" I say, maintaining the calm tone of the conversation. "It's not like you were here to..."

"Cosima doesn't keep things from me." Kate cuts me off, pretty sure of it and takes Cosima's hand to her lips, giving it a gentle peck. "We're  _that_  close."

I keep my eyes from rolling, but can do nothing about the smirk that graces my lips. "That's... Uhmm... Really great." I say.

"Yes, very... Uhm... What's the word?" Olivia chimes in. "Open?"

I look at my roommate. "Honest?"

"Yes! Honest! Thanks, honey." And she gives me a small kiss on the cheek. "I hope we can be like that some day."

I really shouldn't be enjoying this so much, but at this moment I have to focus on not bursting into laughter. "One can only hope."

"Well, I have faith in you two." Cosima says, looking between us, clearly confused. "You seem just the kind of couple who would share everything." She tries to bite.

I look at her and become suddenly serious. "Actually, I really hope that doesn't happen."

"Why not?" Kate leans forward, thank God finally releasing Cosima's hand.

"Honesty is great, I won't deny it." I explain. "But there are some things you need to keep to yourself. Complete honesty can be as bad as constantly lying."

"That's why you kept your relationship with your roommate hidden from your boyfriend for so long?" Kate says like it's the ace up her sleeve. "Because you don't believe in honesty?"

"If I need to give an explanation to anyone, it's certainly not you." I glance at Cosima, who seems as surprised as I am with her girlfriend's words, and bite my tongue to keep my thoughts at bay. I push my chair back as I quickly stand. "I need a real drink."

I walk away in a manner I hope will discourage anyone from following me, eager to take the time to put some order to my thoughts. I don't want to lash out at Kate. It would accomplish nothing, and it's not in my best interest to make an enemy of her. Besides, I'm more upset with Cosima, who sat there, saying nothing. I don't want her to defend me, but the fact that she's so passive, allowing Kate to speak for both of them annoys and confuses me. She was always so argumentative, so passionate about everything. Now, she seems weak. Being molded into Kate's ideal. She seems almost indifferent to what's happening around her. Cosima's just too freaking calm, like she's numbed somehow, the fire that characterizes her almost out. In a way, she appears tamed, broken.

When I met her months ago, I would never have admitted that it was her boldness that captivated me. Her audacity when searching for something she wanted, and even her fucking, adorable cockiness. Nothing could come between Cosima and what she desired and even if something dared try, she would not be discouraged. The petite girl would move heaven and earth if needed, until she get her way.

Grabbing my drink and turning around on the counter and look at Cosima. Her back is turned to me, Kate's arm now around her shoulders, like a possessive shadow that won't let go. Even this far away I can sense it. Cosima seems smaller, less of the woman she was when I met her. Smothered, suffocated by Kate's presence.

"Disgusting, isn't it?"

I look to my right and see Olivia placing a bill on the counter. "What exactly is their story?" I ask, because I have the nagging feeling my friend didn't tell me everything.

"What do you mean?" My friend says, taking the beer to her lips.

I turn back around when Cosima and Kate start to kiss and take a big swallow of my own drink. "I mean... I don't fucking know! Why is Cosima acting like that?"

"You know I didn't know Cosima when she was dating Kate for the first time." Olivia says, avoiding my stare.

"But...?" I encourage.

"But people talk." She looks at me sideways and I give her an ugly look. "Fine!" My roommate puffs out, throwing her arms in the air. "I might have made some calls, this afternoon after you left."

I wait for her to continue, but she doesn't seem inclined to share more. "Fuck, Olivia! And...?"

"Let's just say that people are  _not_  happy to know that Kate's back with Cosima." She grabs the bottle she had sat on the balcony and gives another generous gulp.

"Did they tell you why?"

"Kate's not a bad person, necessarily." Olivia explains. "But they say Cosima was not  _Cosima_ , until she left."

"Well, I cannot say I'm surprised by that." I wiggle my brow. "If they were dating, then it was not like Cosima could... You know."

Even before I finished my friend is already shaking her head. "Not that! Cosima was just more... reserved before."

"That doesn't mean this change is Kate's fault." I turn around again and look at the couple still at the table, fortunately no longer kissing, but still exchanging gentle touches. "A long time has passed, maybe Cosima just changed."

"Right... And changed again now and it's just a coincidence that is when she's back with her." Olivia leans on the counter, also looking in their direction. "Listen Del... There are some people who are just like that and they don't even know. They suck the light out of others, it's not on purpose and most of the time they don't even realize it." She continues after another swing at the beer.

I observe the way Cosima and Kate are acting, the latter saying something in Cosima's ear, who nods, looking at her with a small smile and kisses her cheek. Every gesture of endearment they share is another arrow piercing my gut, but I force my eyes not to look away. Their closeness is evident, however it seems clear who leads the way and who follows and it infuriates me to see Cosima in that position; it's not who she is. Cosima was not born to be under someone else's thumb.

"Okay..." I decide to agree with my friend. "What I don't understand is how can Cosima not see that? How can she not see the... not so positive effect Kate has on her?"

Olivia looks at me for a long time, smirking. "You should understand that better than me. Not so long ago you were dating someone who did the same to you."

I wave my arm their way. "Was I really like that?"

"Del... Forget about it." She puts her hand around my elbow and makes me turn away from them. "It's all behind you now, you've moved on."

"I have." I confirm, nodding. "But Cosima hasn't. And that puts me in a very precarious position. If she's stuck with Kate, there's not much I can do."

Olivia laughs softly and taps the back of my head playfully. "Think, Delphine! What was it that made you break things off with Albert? And don't give me that bullshit about having your own time, cause we both know how that turned out." She continues before I have time to answer. "It's all nice and cool, but what was the trigger? Who made you even consider it in the first place?"

We both turn at the same time to the table we were occupying moments before and see Kate standing up and pulling Cosima by the hand, guiding the little brunette to the dance floor.

"That's right." Olivia whispers in my ear at the same time my eyes lock with Cosima's across the room. "You know what you have to do. You just need the courage to do it." My friend says, her words brushing my ear, she's like the little devil on my left shoulder, telling me to do things I would never consider in any other circumstance.

Next thing I know Olivia is dragging me to the dance floor, her hands go to my hips the moment we're among the constant moving flow of bodies. At least she has the good judgment of not getting us too close to the other couple. I place my hands over her shoulders and start to sway just barely, our bodies still distant, until Olivia pulls my hips and we crash awkwardly against one another.

"That's not how lovers dance, sweetie." My friend presses her lips next to my ear.

"Lovers?" I ask in a joking way, but nonetheless wrap my arms a little tighter around Olivia's neck.

The music is a soft base, the scratchy vocals of the female singer loosens my body from the stiffness it has been in the entire night and I find myself relaxing a little. We give a spin gently and I can see them again, Kate holding Cosima close to her body and the smaller woman's arm surrounding her waist, limply pressing the lower back. It would sting again, if not for the small detail of Cosima's eyes peeking over the slightly taller woman's shoulder. And I see it again, even this far away, just before another couple dancing crosses our line of sight, the small sparkles in Cosima's eyes, the frowning of her brows, the discontent wiggle of her lips.

"She's watching us." I inform my dancing partner.

Olivia snickers. "Of course she is." And we give another spin. "Quickly, put your hand on my ass!"

"What?!" My voice raises a little and I try to get some distance from Olivia.

"Don't be a wuss." She presses our bodies close again. "I'm willing to take one for the team."

"This is such a bad idea..." I say, but I still make my right hand going down her back and make contact with the roundness of my friends ass and let it stay there.

"Don't be afraid to like... take a deep grab." I can hear the smile on Olivia's voice.

I look my friend in the eye and laugh with her. "I think I've created a monster." I say close to her ear, so she can hear me properly.

"Don't think too highly of yourself, the monster has been here long before you came." She says in the same fashion.

I laugh harder and shake my head. When I open my eyes I see Cosima very close to us, Kate a little behind. Instinctively my hand moves from my friend's bottom and I give one step back.

"Getting shy on me now, lover?" Olivia asks before she notices my shocked expression, when she does she spins around. "Wow, shit!... Hi, Cos... Uhmm... Is there something you need?"

"Yeah, there is!" Cosima answers, but her glare is fully on me. "I need you to explain what the fuck is going on here?"

I narrow my eyes and I'm not sure exactly what takes over me, but I am not going to make things easier on her, not with Kate approaching us. "We're fucking dancing. What did it look like to you?" And I give one small step in her direction.

"It looked like you were fucking dry humping..."

"We  _were_  getting there, if you had not interrupted us." Olivia decides to add more fuel to the fire.

"What is the meaning of this?" Kate asks loudly, completely oblivious to what's going on around her.

"It means that maybe... just maybe, your girlfriend does not share everything with you, bitch!" Olivia says, a finger poking Kate's chest.

People around us are starting to form a circle, awaiting the impending fight. I exchange a look with Cosima, who's still too focused on expressing her anger towards me to notice it. This was not my intention, I didn't want to create a show for everyone to see, but I obviously underestimated my friend's propensity to confusion.

I hold her wrist and force it down. "Calm down, Olivia."

"Yes... You better keep your girl under control." Kate is careless enough to offer.

"I don't need to  _control_ my girlfriend, Kate." I say, gently shoving Olivia behind me and taking a step forward in her direction. "She's a big girl and can take care of herself. I just don't want her to start a bar brawl on your petty account."

"Petty?! Please..." Kate scoffs. "It's so obvious your girlfriend is still hung up on Cosima."

I look at Cosima again and her stare changes from anger to fear. And I fucking hate it; I hate it because it makes her look weak when I know she's anything but and I hate it because the idea that she fears the prospect of me revealing our past makes my heart ache, shrinking next to nothing.

"Don't you have anything to add to what you were saying before?" I ask Cosima, looking pointedly at her, offering her a way out that I desperately want her to take.

She looks away and pushes her girlfriend by the elbow. "We should leave. This night was obviously not a good idea."

Without another word, they walk away and people around us lose interest and melt into the previous sea of anonymous faces. I watch them go to the table where we were, grab their coats and walk to the door. Noticing that it didn't take long for Kate to take the lead and for Cosima to follow behind her.

I look at Olivia and exhale a defeated sigh. "Do you still think there's hope?"

My friend gives me a comforting smile. "You took your time. Cosima will take hers."


	27. Round Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Cophine for your patience and always great advices.

The weekend passes by slowly and even if I don't want to think too much about it, the last image of Cosima in my mind is her trailing behind Kate, following her, happy to bend to her every wish. Olivia has probably grown tired of telling me not to worry, that Cosima is just finding it hard to adjust to the idea that, for once, her advances might be welcome. However, I'm not so sure.

If there's anything I've learned about Cosima during our exchanges, is that once her mind is made up, she is not easily dissuaded. And, if she is set on making things work with Kate, as she so firmly demonstrated Friday night at the club, then my room to maneuver just got a lot smaller. Like Olivia said, it's not that I don't know what I have to do, it's more a matter of if I have the courage - or better yet, if I want it bad enough to do it.

The stakes may be too high for me to risk it. As so often happens, when the rewards are great so is the danger of losing everything you want to accomplish. If I become more...aggressive, I could finally get what I desperately want. However, it could just as easily result in the loss of everything; even the unpalatable idea of settling for a simple friendship. A friendship that I once thought enough to satiate my need to be close to her. A friendship that Cosima so vehemently denied me because, for her, it would never be satisfying.

I feel like we've swapped roles, now a friendship may very well be all that she has to give me and I find myself wanting so much more than that.

Monday morning presents itself with an ugly face, the first day of Autumn decides to give us the first storm, thunders flash in a dark sky, heavy clouds pour rain to whomever adventures outside. The house is quiet. I'm preparing for the start of my PhD program and an initial meeting with my advisor this afternoon to get my schedule organized, while Olivia reviews her own school plans.

By the afternoon, the weather has lost its earlier intensity, making the walk to campus much easier. I steady the umbrella over my head while being extra careful to avoid getting drenched by the passing cars. I arrive mostly dry to my meeting. My advisor is one of the men from the jury that decided if I would be accepted or not. Dr. Steven Coleman is a middle age man with sparkling almond eyes and a pleasant smile. Despite being no more than fifty he's wearing an old fashion, deep brown, tweed jacket complete with a vest on top of a classic white shirt. The perfect ensemble is capped by a dark yellow bow tie and a carefully kept mustache.

Even if I hadn't already known, until I set foot inside his office and find him alone, I was afraid that I would be unpleasantly surprised to find Dr. Ford, sitting behind the desk, waiting to strike me again. Considering the way I've been lately, I might actually answer her in the most brutally accurate way, albeit the least cautious. But no. The meet goes smoothly as I calmly expand on my project goals and Dr. Coleman listens with an attentive gaze, now and then posing questions and waiting patiently for my clarifications.

"I assure you, Ms. Cormier, Dr. Ford likes to play hardball, but the rest of us are not into scaring our students." He says, the index and thumb of his right hand brushing softly his whitening mustache. "If she gives you a hard time, please come to me and I will take it up with my colleague."

"I'm sure that won't be necessary." I say with a little smile.

"Oh... No, no." He insists. "Just because she was selected as this year's coordinator, it doesn't give her the right to treat the students like that."

I thank him and leave after a few more words, feeling that perhaps Dr. Coleman is being a little overprotective. I travel the corridors of the building, stopping near the door of the lab to follow up on my work, and am not surprised to see it still closed; no sign of Cosima. I'm left waiting for twenty minutes and am starting to contemplate the notion of calling her or at least send her a message, asking if she's coming today. I assumed she would, but we haven't spoken since Friday night, so I could be wrong.

I'm fishing for my cellphone inside my messy purse when I hear voices down the hall. One is undoubtedly Cosima's, I can recognize it easily, yet the other, while somewhat familiar, is a lot softer than when directed at me. Reaching the door, where I'm standing, Cosima gives me a cold stare, without so much as a "hello", and unlocks the door.

"Ms. Cormier, I hope you haven't been waiting for too long." Dr. Ford says, however she doesn't seem all that concerned about how long I've been standing here.

"No, not at all." I respond, faking a smile of my own and following the two women inside, closing the door softly behind me.

I could say that I decided to be the bigger person, but the truth is that I'm still too focused on my fellow student to give any credit to the professor's try at getting on my nerves. Cosima goes immediately to the desk where she has her things, losing the coat along the way and draping it over the back of the chair. She's wearing loose, burgundy pants and an equally large black shirt. Cosima's not wearing patrons for once. Her dreadlocked hair was down, but she's tying it up even as she takes a seat and moves things around her table.

"I've heard you got Dr. Coleman." The professor says, getting my attention back to her.

I look at her and answer. "I thought it was your decision. Dr. Coleman told me you're the coordinator for this year's program."

She smirks a little. "If I'd had a say in the matter, you would've stayed with me." She approaches my station, examining the things I have on display, which is not a lot. "But I had to choose between the two of you," her hand goes between Cosima and I, "and I had to go with Ms. Niehaus."

Cosima, from the other end of the lab, looks up at us with a confused expression; this is clearly new information to her and it peaks her interest.

"Why would you want to stay with me, if you think I'm not up to par with the program?" I ask with just a hint of challenge in my voice.

Dr. Ford's smile grows bigger. "Exactly because of that!" She says it with such lightness, as if it is an obvious conclusion, that I, in my less than attentive observations should have expected. "Ms. Cormier, you have potential, I won't deny that, it was plenty obvious by your paper, but you lack... What's the word?" She snaps her fingers several times. "Drive! You don't want it enough." She concludes.

I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, but even so my next words come much harsher than I want. "I have to disagree with you. If my oral presentation didn't go as well as I expected, it was because I wanted this too much."

"Even so... That only helps my case." She won't disarm. "You need someone who forces you to stay focused on the big picture.

"Dr. Coleman is a nice, gentle man... Very nice, very gentle..." Dr. Ford moves around now, with small steps, her hands waving gracefully as she speaks. "He's soft! And you, Ms. Cormier, need someone to push you, not someone who will simply listen and nod in agreement at everything you say."

I look once more at Cosima who's averting her gaze, but I know she's paying attention to our conversation.

"Well, I happen to like Dr. Coleman." I say, walking to the freezer to get my things; what I really want is for this conversation to be over.

"Of course you do. Like I said: he's nice." Dr. Ford repeats with a mocking tone. "He'll be just the right man to guide you to averageness."

She doesn't give me a chance to answer, not that I would know how, after that. After giving voice to her disdain for me, she turns to say goodbye to Cosima with a much softer inflection, and she's gone.

The moment the door closes, I drop heavily to the chair, put my hands around my head and close my eyes, taking deep calming breaths. This would be one of those moments when I would gladly shut the world away and pretend there's nothing or anyone around me. I don't want to give much credence to the professor's words, but they echo in my mind, the word  _average_  spreading like poison, infesting my thoughts. I open my eyes and gaze blankly at what's in front of me. I decide to work, just do what I can't postpone for tomorrow, so I can leave as soon as possible.

Deliberately avoiding looking at Cosima, I move around silently, ignoring her presence as much as I can. I'm not doing it to aggravate her, to somehow ignore her out of spite, but because I can't deal with so many things at once. I can't handle the hopeless feeling Dr. Ford's words evoked. I certainly can't face the anxiety Cosima causes me.

I'm so engrossed in my thoughts, that for the first time I don't notice her approaching.

"That was a bit harsh." Her voice is low, almost comforting and that's the only reason why I'm not startled by her sudden words. In a way, it's like her presence in my life is unescapable, her attention never seems misplaced, not even when we first met. It's like her soft words are part of me, always were, even before I heard them for the first time.

I move my head and see her. She has approached my desk, but is still keeping her distance. Cosima's deep brown eyes are steady on me, for the first time in months showing no hint of resentment, no trace of anger. It almost makes me forget all we have left on the road that led us here.

"She has her reasons to doubt me." I eventually say, also softly.

"Still… You didn't deserve that." Cosima twists a corner of her lips in a halfhearted smile. "I would've said something, but…"

"No, no. I get it." I stop her, waving my hands awkwardly. "I don't want you to get into trouble with your advisor because of me."

"Yeah…" Her smile softens, matching her stare. "It's bad enough that Dr. Ford doesn't like you; I don't want my name on that list as well."

I snort a bit. "She really doesn't like me, does she?"

Cosima adjusts her position a little, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning her lower back on the desk. "Nope!" She says with a playful pop.

"Well… please, don't sugarcoat it for me." I mimic her position and she laughs at my response. "I wonder why that is. I mean… I know she didn't want me on the program, she was very up front about it, but it's hardly my fault the other members of the jury wouldn't agree with her.

"Well, yeah… I guess she wasn't happy with it…" Cosima says in a low, thoughtful way. "But…" She breaths deeply and pushes her glasses up her nose with the tip of her middle fingers and ducking my stare. "I'm sorry to say this, but… sometimes you can come across as just a bit pretentious."

After a moment, when I say nothing, she looks back at me, in her eyes a subtle shade of fear that, perhaps, she has said too much. However, I'm not taking it personally. I know she's not saying it to hurt me, like she did in the past. No, she's just offering her honest opinion.

Instead of getting angry with her, as apparently she's expecting, I laugh softly. "I can't believe someone like  _you_  is calling someone like  _me_  pretentious."

Her expression becomes pleased. "I can be pretentious, I will not deny it." Cosima gives me one of her cunning smiles as she speaks the words. "But I know when to tone it down and when to turn it up."

"So… what you're saying, is that I need some lessons on how to behave around people?"

" _Precisement_ , my  _cher_ …" Cosima says it with a terrible French accent, which obviously only makes my laugh grow louder. "I can teach you, you know?" She offers, turning her body in my direction.

"Well… Dr. Ford said I would learn a lot with you." As I say it I try to move my eyes from her engaging features, because my brain is knotted like it always happens when Cosima gets this close. However, I fail miserably and instead my body shifts to be in front of hers. "But I'd feel selfish taking advantage of you like that."

"Right… You'd need to do something for me in return." She agrees, her eyes lighting up, her smile teasing me. "Although, I really don't think there's much you can teach me."

Involuntarily, I bite my lower lip and lean close to her. "I can teach you French." I propose in a low voice. "Because I'm not impressed by what I heard just moments ago."

Cosima full on smirks, her eyes are now glowing more than ever. "And why would I need such trade?"

I move my right hand to gently cup her cheek and lean my head in close, only stopping when the tips of our noses are touching. "Donc, tu me comprends lorsque tu me fais perdre la raison."

She moves her head up, getting closer to my lips. "What did you just say?" There's a hint of pleading in her voice.

I lower my head a bit more. "Précisément, ma cher."

Our lips are touching just barely, just enough to feel the softness of her mouth on mine. I dip my head further and Cosima meets me half way, our lips find each other easily. It's not like any other kiss we've shared. There's no hesitation or search for meaning; no anger or need to prove a point. And yet it feels so familiar, like I've been here before, as if I have been away and am now, finally, returning home.

I move my hand to the nape of her neck, pulling her closer, pressing my lips more deliberately against hers. I nip at her bottom lip, moving up slowly. Her hands leave her side and move to my hair, her fingers tangling in my curls, forcing our mouths closer and I feel her tongue asking for permission to enter. I allow it, half-expecting it demanding and sloppy against the roof of my mouth. But no. Cosima's tongue flicks softly against mine, massaging it gently and my own comes to life, starting to stroke against hers. My left hand, which has been at my side, curls to her back and pulls Cosima's body to mine. It's an instinctive movement, not accompanied by any thought, but instead of relieving the heat in my body, it has the opposite effect and my heart starts to pound furiously against my ribs.

In the distance I can hear a soft buzz of a vibrating phone, but I pull Cosima closer to me. I don't want this moment to end; I don't want the outside world to come rushing back and scatter our lives once more. But it's too late, Cosima has heard it and is moving away, slowly, in no rush. She gives one last soft bite on my lower lip and untangles her fingers from my head.

She looks at me as she pulls away, then to her purse, still on her desk, from where the annoying sound is coming and finally back at me, like she's undecided about what to do next.

My hand moves from the nape of her neck back to her cheek and I try to keep her eyes on me. "Please, Cosima, don't…" I say, but I know it's too late, something in her eyes has changed already.

Cosima lowers her head and breaths out a low. "Fuck…"

I let her leave my embrace and watch her walk in slow steps to get her phone and answer it with a simple "hi".


	28. Who Are You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We should all be thankful to Cophine for doing such an amazing job and getting back to me with her beta version super fast.

Cosima's talking on the phone, back turned to me, her voice low, but I don't know why. It's not like it's hard to guess who's she talking to. She hangs up and starts to gather her things, still not looking at me and not saying anything.

"I'm not ready to leave yet." I announce, staring sharply at her.

She freezes, arm caught halfway into her coat's sleeve. "Well, I am!"

"Tough luck." I say, clenching my jaw and raising my voice. "Looks like you'll have to wait for me."

"Like I haven't done that enough already." Her words are low, but not low enough that I wouldn't hear them, nor does she expect me not to, because when she finishes her statement, Cosima's eyes find me, hard and sharp.

"Is that what this is about?" I give a few steps in her direction. "Is it because I made you wait too long?"

Cosima finishes putting on her coat, adjusting it around her neck and pulling her dreadlocks free, then slings her bag over her shoulder. "No! This is about me needing to leave." She finally says, disregarding my comment, and walking purposefully towards the door, passing me without pause.

"Right. You don't want to keep her waiting." I say bitterly. "I find it interesting how your rules don't apply to Kate."

"What rules?" Cosima stops and spins to look at me.

"How you don't want to be at anyone's beck and call." I explain matter of factually. "I remember you said something like that about me and now that's exactly what's happening with Kate."

I can see the anger blazing in her eyes, another glimpse of the person she's been with me lately. "Maybe I think she's worth it."

Her open hostility towards me catches me by surprise, I never thought Cosima could be this cold-hearted. She never was before, not even during our nastiest fights.

"No, Cosima! That's where you're wrong." I tell her low. "No one's worth that. Not me. Not Kate."

I turn around and quickly put my things away, saying nothing else. Cosima remains silent, I don't even hear her move. When I'm done I look back at her and she's staring at me. My words seem to have shaken her resolve. I grab my own things and step close to her, but stop, not wishing to invade her personal space and hold her stare firmly.

"If you want to settle down, Cosima, I understand." I say softly and her eyes evade mine. "But… be sure you're doing it for the right reasons."

Cosima scoffs. "You know nothing about my reasons." She says harshly, but stays put.

I swallow hard, my mouth going dry with fear of my next words. "Do you love her?"

Cosima spins around quickly and powers towards the door. "You're not entitled to ask me that question." She says angrily, opening the door.

Cosima thinks she's had the last word and normally she'd be correct, but I won't let it end like that. I've meant to have this conversation with her for too long to let it die like this. Now, that I've finally got her to talk, I want to clear the air between us, even if it means to getting her angry.

"You're right." I admit, getting close to the door and next to her. "I might not be entitled to ask it, but if you don't, you should let her go."

Cosima's hostility gains momentum, and she doesn't bother to hide the fury consuming her. "What the fuck gives you the right to say that?"

I will not be deterred by her aggressiveness and I unleash my own anger on her. In order to get some answers, I think I need to match force with force. "She's not good for you!"

"And you think you are, right?" She mocks.

"I  _know_  I am!" The words spill from my mouth without making a stop at my brain for processing.

"How dare you say that after everything you've put me through?" Cosima says flatly. "You have a very short memory if you have already forgotten how you've treated me."

"I know that!" I'm starting to get frustrated, this kind of conversation will get us nowhere good. "I've told you I am sorry… How long are you going make me pay for that?"

"This is not about you Delphine! That's what you're not getting!" And she tries to walk away.

I move to stand between her and the door. "Then tell me, Cosima! Tell me what this is about! Maybe then I could understand."

"This is about me!" She says loud. "It's about having something real."

"And what we have is not real?" I ask, fighting to keep my voice steady, to keep the pain her words cause me aside. "What happened between us means nothing to you?"

"Nothing happened between us, Delphine." She states, her stare secure on mine, her voice not wavering.

"Right…" I say thoughtfully. "That's why you didn't share it with your girlfriend, like you did with everything else apparently."

"So what?! We've kissed… We've flirted a bit… That was it! Like you said, there was nothing to tell." Cosima's tone is losing the anger and gaining a sour edge. "I won't say it wasn't fun being your test subject, but I see you had no problems finding my replacement.

"How's Olivia's trial going, by the way? I thought you were friends…" Cosima stops suddenly and laughs maliciously. "Oh… Wait! Was that what you meant when you said you wanted to be friends?"

I surprise her by placing both my hands on her cheeks to make her look at me, gently pushing her head up. "What's happening to you, Cosima?" I press my forehead against hers and she doesn't fight it. "This is not who you are."

"You don't know who I am." But even as she says it, I can see her determination stagger, her gaze dropping, unable to look me in the eye. "Stay out of my life, Delphine."

I let go of her and my arms go limp at my sides. Cosima takes the opportunity to quickly step around me and leave, while I stay behind, leaning on the wall and watch her disappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also sorry for giving you a chapter like this, especially after that 1st episode, but... well...


	29. Down for Maintenance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you Cophine

I honestly don't remember getting home. A maze is forming in my mind, growing more complex as time passes, new walls appearing seemly out of nowhere closing a path that I thought I could easily take. The more I think about it, the more I realize I should've never allowed Cosima to have this sort of power over me. She is right: nothing happened... Not really. And yet, I feel like I've just lost someone so fundamental to me, to who I am.

We have said goodbye to each other so many times before. None successfully. This time feels different. Very different. I still believe the Cosima I met is there, I just don't think she'll let her come back out any time soon, if ever. I just wish I could say that I have it in me to try to bring her back, but I really don't think I am ready for that kind of fight, nor do I think I want it. If Cosima is so determined to keep me away, perhaps I should just stay away.

Maybe I should've seen this coming, that the bumpy path we roamed could only lead us here. Maybe if I had been less unkind to her to begin with and Cosima had been more... _subtle_  in her approach. Maybe then we could have found a way around our differences, overcome my initial doubts, overlook Cosima's lack of tact. Even so, had she not been so bold would I have even noticed her? Had I not been so resistant would she have held onto her interest in me? Who's to say I wouldn't have disregarded her advances? Or be just another notch in her belt by now? And we would still end up in the exact same place we are now...

When Olivia arrives home she finds me on the couch, hugging my knees close to my chest, a tomb like silence having settled upon the house.

"Well, you look like shit!" Her first words to me.

"Well... I feel like shit!" I respond, without second thought.

She sits on the other end of the couch. "Wanna tell me what happened?"

"We need to abort our mission." I say low, resting my chin on my knees and looking straight at her.

"You think it's too much for Cosima to handle?" She assumes, pushing my legs until they rest on her lap.

"Non... I think Cosima is too much for me to handle." I say and when my friend looks at me unconvinced I explain further. "She clearly stated that she wants me out of her life. I'm not about to go against her wishes."

Olivia stays quiet for sometime, looking at me with a thoughtful expression. "It's been really fun to date you." She leans over and gives me a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Next time we should go all the way, though."

I chuckle." Yes... That would've made things a lot less complicated."

She gets up and goes to the kitchen, returning a few seconds later with two beer bottles and extends one to me. "What are you going to do now?"

"Rien..." I simply say.

We drink our beers in silence for a while. My roommate avoiding my stare, at least until I give a soft laugh. "She called you a test subject, you know?"

"How did I end up in that conversation?" Olivia asks me with a raised brow.

"Well... She accused me of  _experimenting_  and said you were her replacement as my test subject." I give another go at the beer and catch her looking at me sideways. "What?! You know that's not what I was doing."

She waves her free hand. "I know, I know... That's not it."

"What is it, then?"

She gets up again. "Nothing." Then she gets her phone and says. "I think we should order in. No one's in the mood to cook today."

I would say that I woke up early the next morning, but in order for that to be true I would need to have slept, which never happened. Last night I was able to relax, Olivia sensed that I needed it and she didn't mention Cosima the rest of the night. However, when I found myself alone in bed I couldn't rest. My last conversation with Cosima haunting me, cutting deeper into my soul than anything ever has before; her words were harsh, yes, no doubt about it, but it was her expression that turns my heart to stone. It felt like she had no option, that what was happening was beyond her control. It feels like Cosima is trapped. But worse than that: I got the impression she's not interested in freeing herself, and if she won't do it, no one will be able to do it for her.

I want the old Cosima back, the one that ignored the obstacles in her way and kept pushing forward, but I've run out of ideas to make it so. And, to be honest, I am starting to believe that everything I've done so far has had the exact opposite effect. Cosima has never been as far away from me as she is now. My plan failed with a huge implosion and all I can do is brace myself to deal with the consequences.

I am at the kitchen window, gazing towards the San Francisco Bay in the distance, mug of lousy coffee between my hands and turn when I hear Olivia behind me, going through one of the drawers.

"Did you sleep at all?" She asks as soon as her eyes lay on my face.

I smile sadly. "It was not for lack of trying." I respond low.

"I know it's a stupid thing to say, but it will get better." Olivia's eyes on the mug on her hands, slowly spinning the spoon. "I have plans to go out tonight, why don't you come with?"

I give a few steps in her direction and kiss her on the cheek. "You are a great friend, Olivia. I don't think I say that enough."

"But you're staying home." She concludes with a modest smile.

"There you go." I say, walking to my room.

Olivia follows me and stands by the door as I gather my things for the shower. "So... That's it? You're giving up?" She asks as I pass by her, on my way to the bathroom.

I stop and look at her for a long moment before I continue. "Olivia, there's nothing I can do. I wish there was another way, but..."

She stays by the door, turned the other way, while I undress. "Okay. So you're gonna let Kate win..."

I interrupt her. "This was not a competi..."

"And..." My roommate continues, raising her voice over mine. "More importantly, you are going to abandon Cosima, let her be subdued by her."

I get in her shower stall and start the water. "I am not a fucking super hero and Cosima is not a damsel in distress. And more to the point, even if she was, she obviously doesn't want to be rescued."

I wait for Olivia's reply, but it never comes and when I slide the door open and peek, she's no longer there.

And that was the last of it. Olivia stopped asking me about what I planned to do, but that doesn't mean her words didn't stick in my brain. She could be right about me letting go of Cosima. She probably thinks I'm quitting too easily, but she wasn't there, she didn't see the determination in Cosima's eyes as she spoke the words that she knew would hurt me. She didn't hear Cosima's disdain as she laughed at the end when she gave her final blow. Knowing Olivia, had she been there, she probably wouldn't have taken things as lightly as I have.

I arrive at the lab just before five, when I usually meet Cosima, not surprised by her absence. Instead of her, I find Dr. Ford waiting for me by the door.

"Cosima called saying she won't be able to make it the rest of the week." She announces, extending me a keycard. "Lock before you leave and drop it by my office once you're done."

"Did she say why?" I ask, accepting the key, for appearances sake.

"Tomorrow, when you arrive, pass by office to get the key." She proceeds with her instructions, ignoring my question. "I am not about to stand here waiting for you." Dr. Ford turns and leaves.

I sigh heavily as I open the door, weirdly looking at Cosima's desk... Empty... Just like she left it the day before. I had actually counted on her not making an appearance. She'd always done that when things get bad. Disappear. It's the only reason I came, because I knew in advance she wouldn't. It only now strikes me how well do I know her, or at least these little things, how I can predict how she is going to react to certain circumstances. Cosima wasn't a fan of confrontations, not really. Not until she's pushed into a corner, invariably by me. She was persistent and always fought to get her way, but she was never truly forceful. Her methods were always of a smoother nature.

The week drags by slowly, and my only companion in the lab is a defining silence. Cosima's empty desk taunts me, a constant reminder of what little I had left and lost.

Friday evening, when I step out of the building and am greeted with the low warm sun, I feel ready to take up on my resilient roommate's offer and go out to have a drink.

I am not quite out of the campus area when a firm hand goes around my right arm, preventing from going forward. I turn and have to look down to meet liquid blue eyes.

"What do you want?" I ask harshly.

"I hope this answers your question."

"What are you talking about?" I turn my body completely to face her.

"If I have her." Kate explains, a gleeful smile on her full lips, but the shades in her eyes betray her.

"Cosima's not a puppet that you can control as you please." I step forward as I continue. "Actually, I think this little scheme will most likely blow up in your face."

Kate stands her ground and laughs in my face. "Oh yeah?"

I squint my eyes and lean in closer. "Yeah!"

"And how are you gonna make that happen?"

"Watch me, bitch!"


	30. Changing Strategy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait... And Thank you Cophine!

I turn on the balls of my feet, before Kate has the opportunity to answer my not entirely well thought out challenge. I don't know what I was thinking. It's not like me to make these type of threats. More to the point, I haven't the faintest idea of how I can deliver on that promise.  _Oh my fucking God!_ That was so fucking stupid. I can't believe I just warned Cosima's girlfriend about something I have no idea how to accomplish.

I walk away as fast as I can without revealing my uncertainty, not sure if I'm succeeding. At the same time my mind shifts abruptly, the meaning of Kate's words finally reaching my overactive brain.  _She knew!_  Kate knew, probably all along, about Cosima and me. She acted like Olivia was her enemy when, in fact, she knew  _I_  was the real threat. She led me to believe I was secure in my… unconventional relationship with Cosima. And I presumptuously thought had her all figured out; convinced what was going on was under my control, when it was Kate the one calling the shots. She was in charge of what was really happening, while I had been oblivious.

How she knew, I'm not sure, but it's not hard to guess. For Cosima, my contrived  _romance_  with Olivia might have seemed real, especially if she was jealous. It was probably hard to think clearly. However, to the outside observer it could be seen for what it was - fake. The fact that Cosima hadn't mentioned me to her girlfriend, with whom she shares everything ( _ugh_ ), should've been a huge clue.

Kate had laid the trap and I, stupidly enough, fell into it.

"That fucking bitch!" I say loud, as soon as I open the door to my apartment.

Our apartment… The one I share… With Olivia… Who's naked on the floor of the living room… on top of another naked girl…

"Oh… Mon Dieu…" I turn around, my eyes wide open, fixated on the white wooden door I've just crossed. "Désolé… So, so sorry…" I say fast, hearing them behind me, shuffling with clothes and then a door shut.

"It's okay… You can turn now." I hear Olivia say with a little giggle.

I do turn and she's still pushing her shirt down her torso. "Really?! In the living room… in the middle of the day!?"

My roommate starts to openly laugh. "Yeah… Sorry… Got distracted." Her feeble attempt at an excuse.

I move to the couch, but reconsider and look carefully at it: the three pillows we usually have on it, scattered on the floor, the scottish blanket that belongs on top of the headrest is askew, almost falling from it. I look again at Olivia's flushed face and she crocks her brow.

"Oh… My… You can sit, Del. Things didn't heat up until we were on the floor." She walks a few steps, stopping at the bathroom door and she knocks gently. "It's okay Sylvia. Delphine is too much of a wuss to say anything to embarrass you." My friend turns her head to me and winks.

I drop heavily to the couch, after collecting the pillows from the floor. "At least someone is getting some." I say under my breath, no really expecting Olivia to hear me.

The bathroom door opens and I watch the other girl passing through it, her head still down, hiding her awkward expression. She stands there, not really sure of what to do. I can't blame her. If it had been me I probably wouldn't leave that bathroom for hours. I escape to my room and change into something more comfortable. When I pass the living room, on my way to the kitchen, they are both sitting on the couch and the TV is on. I return with beers for each of us, since I really don't want Sylvia to feel like she needs to leave just because I've interrupted their… activity. I hand them the bottles and sit at the table by the window, turning on my computer. If they want more privacy they can go to Olivia's room; I try not to work in my room, the bed much too close for me to be able to resist.

"So… you said something about a fucking bitch…" Olivia says after a few minutes of me punching the computer keys.

I look at both of them and then simply say. "Kate."

"What do you mean? Did Cosima finally show up?" Olivia seems not sure how to react to it, and it's only normal, since lately my every encounter with the petite brunette has had unpredictable results.

"No, but Kate did." I say, unable to contain my distaste at the simple thought of what happened. "She fucking knew, Olivia!" I blurt out, managing to startle not only my friend but also her companion who was looking at me the entire time, but is now lowering her head once more.

"What do you mean, she knew?!"

"About Cosima and I!"

"Are you sure?" Olivia asks very slowly, like she wants me to consider very careful what I'm saying.

I do. I replay the encounter with Kate, then nod. "Oui… Pretty sure." But my friend still doesn't look very convinced. "Kate implied she was responsible for Cosima not showing up this week and I am not so sure if what Cosima said to me the last time we were together was not her doing as well."

"How did she make that happen?" Olivia's reservations about my conviction seem to grow.

"I don't know… Some incentive can go a long way… Maybe…" I'm starting to doubt my sanity, it does sound irrational.

"Excuse me…" Sylvia draws our attention with her quiet voice as she looks between the two of us, maybe rethinking what she was about to say and I try to give her an encouraging smile. "Just so I'm clear… Kate is Cosima's current girlfriend?" Olivia and I nod. "And you want to get back with Cosima?"

I pass my hand over my hair, awkwardly smiling. "Well… Not exactly. We've never dated." I look at Olivia, who's twisting her lips.

"They had an almost something…" My roommate clarifies.

Weirdly enough, Sylvia nods her head like she understands what Olivia just said. "I see…" She says thoughtfully, although I don't think she can't exactly understand the extend of the issue. "Why almost?"

I breathe deeply and drop my head. "Because I'm a fucking idiot." I sum up what would take too long to explain.

"Well... Yeah there's that..." My friend's hand aims at me. "And, she had a boyfriend at the time." She adds.

The girl hums and passes her right hand through the waves of her short, dark hair. "Okay... So you were dating this guy and Cosima came after you." She pauses, acknowledging our confirmation. "Now... She's dating and you are going after her?!"

Another deep breath and another nod. "Yep... Pretty much." I say, taking a big swallow from the beer bottle.

Sylvia eyes me carefully. "Anything else that might be relevant?" She asks, humor coloring her tone.

I stare at Olivia, who doesn't seem to be bothered by any of this; she experienced it first hand, after all. "Oh yes... Cosima and I were sort of dating when this started."

Sylvia's jaw went slack for a moment, then she clears her throat. "Jesus fucking Christ."

"Oh... Oh... And we pretended to date to make Cosima jealous." Olivia adds suddenly as if it just hit her, her hand balancing between me and herself.

Sylvia chuckles at this revelation. "Did it work?"

"Mixed results." I mumble on my way to the kitchen, taking my empty bottle. "Are you staying for dinner?" I ask, already in the other room.

"She is!" Olivia answers.

During dinner we continue to fill Sylvia in on the story between Cosima and I. I don't really know why we're doing it, but she's a good listener. By the end of it she concludes with a "you two need therapy", with which I can't really disagree.

"Congratulations Delphine." My friend jokes. "Seems like you and Cosima are the first people who need couples therapy  _before_  you're even a couple."

"Yes..." I agree. "Or maybe we should stop talking all together."

"That might not be a bad idea." Sylvia says, effectively getting my attention. "The way I see it, Cosima likes to be in control and the way you've been acting lately could be too aggressive."

"But, if that were the case, Kate wouldn't have so much power over her." Olivia says.

"However..." My mind is thrumming while my voice comes out calm. "I am not Kate. In fact Kate and I have nothing in common, least as far as I can tell."

I stop, thinking carefully about how our relationship evolved. The more I pushed her away, the more persistent she became. It was too much, I can see it now with a clarity that only distance can provide. I pushed too hard and Cosima reached her breaking point, giving up on something she became sure would go nowhere. Perhaps now I'm pulling too forcefully, committing the same mistake I did before, only in the opposite direction.

I can never be the girl I was when we met, I left her behind. But I can't discount her for the simple fact that I need to reexamine the mistakes she made, to be sure I'm not repeating them. Even so, I don't think it would be very useful - there's a reason why Cosima gave up. But there is a middle ground and I was willing to go there... At first... Before I knew about Kate.

"You make me nervous when you're quiet for so long, Del." Olivia says, nudging my arm.

"We're going about this all wrong." I say loud. "Kate's not a factor; not unless I make her one."

"Was there something rotten in the food?" My roommate sniffles her empty plate. "How is she not a factor!? They're fucking dating Delphine!"

"Oui... They are!" I open a big smile. "But that didn't stop Cosima from returning my kiss."

"You two kissed?" Olivia asks surprised.

"Just before we fought." I say casually.

"What the fuck, Del?" My friend gets up so fast that the chair she was sitting in clatters to the floor behind her. "You're a scientist; you know you can't have reliable results with incomplete data."

I ignore her outburst and continue my train of thought out loud. "What if I give her what she asked? What if I stay out of her life?"

Sylvia seems to be following my rationalization. "Well... You can't exactly do that. You  _do_  share a lab."

"Yes... We do, don't we?" I smile and it's only then that my frantic friend stops and looks at me.

"You don't need to do shit!" Olivia finally gets on board with me and Sylvia. "The way she is... Cosima's gonna go berserk..."

It was decided then. Sylvia did say something along the lines of "I didn't mean it literally" when I told them that I planned to completely ignore Cosima to see where that would land me, but I had the feeling this was the right strategy. I firmly believed that, the same way I couldn't keep away from her in the past after making that same request. Cosima would eventually regret the consequences of her decision. It could take some time, but I didn't see any other way.

If this doesn't work, it's time for me to move on.

Monday afternoon I try to steady my pace. I am too anxious to stay home, patiently waiting for the clock to slowly tick by until it was time to leave. So instead, after lunch, I decide to go to the library and try to study, since my schedule for the day is completely free, with the exception of lab time. All in vain.

I find a table and take out my notes, meaning to organize them in a coherent text. I don't get two lines out before I am hopelessly distracted, unable to focus on a specific thought. My eyes stubbornly moving to the table Cosima used to occupy; now left vacant. I don't remember the last time I saw her in the library, probably before the finals, last semester. It won't be long before someone realizes the table is no longer silently reserved for the quirky, dreadlocked student.

My hand is already pushing the big, oak door open when I turn back to wave a goodbye to the librarian. I hesitate, and after looking at my watch to see I have a few minutes to spare, I walk to Mrs. Croft's desk.

When I reach it she stares at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something. "I... I was wondering if Cosima has been here lately." I say after several seconds of odd silence.

Mrs. Croft opens a small smile, her eyes peeking over the reading glasses, scrutinizing me with ill-hidden curiosity. "Not in a while, dear."

"Oh... Thank you." I lower my head and turn to leave, after she hums softy. But once again reconsider. "What about at night? Has she come?"

The librarian's head snaps up, looking at me with the frightened expression of someone who was caught. "Wha... What do you mean?" She tries to gather herself.

I try to hide my grin. Of course Cosima would charm the librarian into breaking a few rules. I lean slightly over the desk and give her a conspiratorial gaze. "Oh, Mrs. Croft... I think you know exactly what I mean." I say in the lowest possible voice and wink at her.

She breaths out. "Cosima's not suppose to advertise that."

"Your secret is safe with me." I try to give her a reassuring smile. "So... Has she?"

"Some times." Mrs. Croft says. "Not as often as she used to."

"And is she alone when she comes?" I probe some more, not losing the whispering tone.

"I have no way of knowing that, since I'm not here." She readjusts her position, getting more comfortable. "I expect as much, but she was also not supposed to tell anyone either, so..."

I leave after thanking her again. Walking slowly along the corridors, I replay the conversation in my head. The librarian might not be sure if Cosima goes alone to her late nights studies, but I am. I think she takes that time to be alone and shut out the world. And as much as she has changed I seriously doubt she will change that particular aspect. She doesn't go as often, Cosima's spending most of her nights with... company. However, she still goes to get away from everything else.

I remember the dreadful night I met her there. At the time I was too worked up to notice, but now I think I can begin to grasp the importance of Cosima spending that time alone, with nothing but her thoughts to distract herself. The quietness and calmness it must give her. A big, empty room, dark, apart from the small desk lamp she had on, weakly illuminating her surroundings, much like a comfortable corner where she can find the tranquillity that seems to escape her among other people.

And I feel it again, the same way I did in the past, when we barely knew each other. The distinct notion that there's more to her than what she allows other people to reach. Does Kate touche that part of her? Is that the reason behind Cosima's connection to her?

I distractedly rap my knuckles on the lab door, lost in my thoughts, not really paying much attention to what I'm doing.

The door opens and it's a shock. I don't know how my heart can suddenly stop and then jump-start; pounding so fast in my chest that I can hear it aloud inside my head. I look in Cosima's eyes and there's a sadness in them that makes want to do nothing but hold her close to me, protectively and whisper in her ear that everything is going to be okay.

It doesn't last long though, Cosima's already turning her back to me and walking to her desk. I silently watch her for a moment, thinking exactly how to apply my new tactics.

"And good day to you too." I say, trying not to sound too bitter but not too agreeable either. I'm aiming for casual, relaxed, not sure if I pulled it off.

Cosima's eyes find me, a brow arched, surprised. "Yeah..." She mumbles, uncertain how to react.

Perhaps she was expecting me to be angry. Or maybe she assumed I would try to reason with her once more, argue my case in an attempt to bend her will, make her rethink her decision. But that's where she's wrong; I will do neither. What I do is walk to my desk and prepare my work.

As I reach inside my purse to take out my cellphone my fingers become tangled in wires that don't belong. I peek inside and find Olivia's iPod, a sticky note attached to it: "Hear me out!" I smile and put the earbuds, pressing play.

When Kathy Parry's voice starts to sing "I kissed a girl" I can't help but laugh loud, shaking my head and a low "oh... Olivia" escapes my lips.

I notice some movement in the other side of the lab. I look that way to find Cosima staring at me, the corner of her lip twisted, her brow raised, waiting an explanation for my sudden laugh. I don't offer it, I say a low "sorry" and turn down the volume of the music so I can concentrate on what I'm doing.

The play list my friend has selected is actually quite good. Soft, relaxing music that helps me stay focused on my work. I can almost forget Cosima's here. Almost... If it weren't for the unshakable fact that my body reacts to her presence like the seas to the moon, shaping tides with its mere passing. My heart is screaming to do something; to give in and lean in Cosima's direction. I ignore it, resisting her pull and force my mind to take control.

The mood in the lab is sullen and we work in silence. Cosima's words still linger and its what I focus on every time her gravitational pull gets stronger. I might be interested in getting her attention, but she has to come to me. I'm done forcing a situation that Cosima so energetically denied. My only hope is that we don't end up stuck like this forever.

Her phone rings and I know it's time to leave. I gather my things and walk out, not even waiting for her to end the call. The sun is low, with the days getting shorter, and for a moment I'm blinded by it. I fish my sunglasses from my bag and when I put them on my face I see Kate's smug expression.


	31. Meet Me In The Middle

When I return home, Olivia practically runs from the kitchen to meet me, still wiping her hands on the dishcloth.

"So?" She asks me, a quizzical gaze.

"So what?" I respond, taking off my shoes to place them carefully inside the cabinet.

All my movements are deliberate, but beneath this apparent easiness I feel an annoyance heating up.

"How did she take it?" Olivia, on the other hand, is never very good at hiding her jitters.

"It's too soon to tell." I finally give her an answer, walking inside my bedroom. "If anything is to happen, I think it will take some time. But I won't do anything else. If Cosima wants something from me, she has to say it. I'm too tired to keep playing this game." I start to talk faster as I take off my clothes, my irritation steadily increasing.

"What does that mean?" My friend shouts from the other room.

Already in my house wear, I return to the living room and take a deep breath. "It means…" I pause, worrying my lower lip and measuring my words. "It means, if she ever decides to stop doing everything Kate wants, I won't fight her advances. However, if she doesn't do that, I'm done pushing her."

"She  _does_  want you, Delphine." Olivia says with great conviction. "You have to know that by now."

"That doesn't mean a damn thing if she does nothing about it." I say, no longer able to hide my bad mood.

"Okay, okay… You're getting frustrated, I can see that." Olivia offers in a conciliatory way.

I don't say anything else, instead heading to the kitchen for some water, drinking it straight from the bottle with big gulps. I turn and Olivia is holding the door open, her shoulder leaning against its frame. She has what seems like a very amused smile on her lips.

I frown. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

She clears her throat. "Del, honey…" Olivia starts but a chuckle cuts her off. "Have you been… like… taking care of yourself?"

I look at her confused. "What are you talking about?"

My roommate presses her lips together, in an obvious effort to hide the smile. "Well… You and dickhead broke up a long time ago and our relationship was rather platonic…" Before she can contain it, a laugh escapes her lips, Olivia clears her voice again and tries to put a serious expression. "You  _do_  see what I'm getting at here, right?"

I roll my eyes and give her a little nudge so I can leave the kitchen. "I'm not horny, I'm upset!" I say in a way that invites no discussion.

"Right…" My friend says thoughtfully, but is about as far as she will take it… Well, that and a few more stifled laughs.

Honestly, I don't know if Olivia is correct. I do feel more tense than usual - if that is the result of being alone for so long (even if I have been "taking care of myself" as my oh… so super awesome best friend put it) or if it's due to this damn emotional rollercoaster Cosima has me riding, I don't know.

The days pass by slowly, stuck in a routine that I don't seem to be able to untangle myself from. I start to dread the one hour or so I have to spend in the lab with Cosima. Aside from the pleasantries we exchange when she opens the door for me, our interactions are non-existent. I arrive, say hi, to which Cosima mumbles back something, most of the times incoherent, spend the hour trying to focus on the work, some days more successful than others, and leave as soon as I hear her phone ring.

I arrive home and Olivia still gives me a "so?" look and I limit myself to shake my head negatively. By the second week, not even my roommate seems to believe I'll get anywhere with Cosima.

"Time to move on then?" She asks me from inside her room, as she's getting dressed to meet Sylvia.

It's with a heavy heart that I nod my head and quietly answer. "Seems like it." And return my attention back to my computer, absently reading an article online.

She sits next to me on the couch and places an arm over my shoulders. "I am sorry."

She kisses my cheek and I throw my head back, willing not to feel the pain piercing my heart. "Why do I feel like I've lost something?" I say low, not really expecting an answer.

"In a way you did." My friend's arm squeezes my shoulder closer to hers. "You've lost hope."

I rest my head against her. "I should've never had it in the first place."

"Don't say that… You became a better person." She says and when I look at her, she gives me a little smile. "I just wish Cosima could've seen that."

"She can't!" I say, leaning forward to place my laptop on the table. I push myself up from the couch and stride to my room. "She can only see Kate!" I finish, my words muffled by the shirt that I'm pulling over my head.

I return to the living room dressed in black skinny jeans and a grey sleeveless top, ready to leave.

The smile on my friend's face grows. "You're coming?"

I nod. It's Friday night. I'm done waiting for Cosima to say or do something that will change this situation we're in.

Sylvia's waiting for Olivia at the door and when she sees me she smiles, receiving me with open arms instead of an annoyed expression as if I ruined a night out with her... Girlfriend? I don't know. I don't care. As long as she makes Olivia happy, I'm happy.

"Coming out of your shell?" She asks after a kiss to Olivia.

"Oui." I answer.

I force myself to relax and am careful with what I drink. I just want to have a good time, dance a little, forget about the problems for just one night. After a while I give Olivia and Sylvia some privacy, or as much privacy as they are going to get here, and leave them on the dance floor. I grab a stool by the bar, sipping casually on a fresh, non-alcoholic drink, smiling at myself as they dance. I chuckle quietly as I watch her hand slowly descending to her partner's ass, but that's as much as I care to see, choosing to look away to avoid being uncomfortable.

"Your girlfriend is cheating right in front of you."

I turn towards the voice and see Cosima, her dreadlocks pinned up, the lines of her face brightened by the lights continuously flashing inside the club. A lime green, short dress, splashed here and there by arctic blue strokes, allows me to envision the tautness of her body. With her back braced against the edge of the counter, and her elbows on top of the balcony, she lets eyes scan the dance floor. I let myself gaze freely until I swallow thickly and follow her stare and find Olivia kissing Sylvia.

"I'm not the jealous type." I comment nonchalantly, not caring if the whole thing just fell apart.

She hums, but that's it. She gives no indication that she suspects my  _relationship_ with Olivia was fake all along, or if she just realized it now, or even if she believes we had something that ended on very good terms. I'm not inclined to share the truth with her, nor am I interested in continuing to lie to her.

We stand there. Silent. Like two strangers who just happen to be in the same area of the bar. Me drinking, Cosima occasionally bringing her own glass to her lips. I have half a mind to ask her where is Kate, since she's never too far behind wherever Cosima is, but stop before the words even form in my mouth.

When I finish my drink, I turn and set it on top of the bar. I lightly pat twice on the wood with both my hands and push my body away from it, starting to leave.

"How long do you intend to keep doing this?" I hear Cosima's voice barely above the noise around us.

I look at her with a raised brow, her eyes still not on me, but lost somewhere on the dance floor. "You were the one who asked for this; I'm staying out of your life." I say, matter-of-factly.

Cosima finally looks at me and squints. However, when she speaks her gaze leaves mine. "I asked you to stay out of my business, not to stop talking to me."

I don't let myself be fooled, the defiance is still there.

"Every time we talk, we fight." I remind her, not really thinking she could've forgotten about it. "If not talking with you is the only way for us not to fight, that's what I'll do."

"I don't want that."

Cosima's voice is flat, not a single emotion revealed. But as she raises her eyes to mine I can see it: her facade crumbling, her determination showing its cracks. A few weeks ago I would be sighing in relief, realizing I finally broke into her armor, but in all honesty I'm just too exhausted, too drained from constantly trying to guess what's in Cosima's mind.

I take a deep breath. "Then what, Cosima? What do you want?"

Her eyes are not still. They travel my face, stopping briefly on my lips then moving up, searching my own for something. Permission? Understanding? In one quick motion, her arm winds around my waist and she pulls me towards her. The air leaves my lungs quickly and I hardly have time to take a hungry breath before she raises her head, seeking my lips.

My body responds instantly, pressing against hers, trapping her between myself and the bar behind her. However, my lips are soft on hers, carefully taking in its shape, wrapping her bottom lip in my own, marveled by its softness. My hands grasp her hips, feeling her hot under the pads of my fingers, even with an annoying layer between us. Cosima let's out a small groan as her hand on my back loosens its grip and all that remains is the warmth of her touch, slowly moving inside my blouse; at the same time, her left hand is soft on my neck, her fingers gently playing with the little hairs at the nape.

It's not until I feel her tongue slowly rolling between my lips that I press harder against her, feeling our bodies fitting together flawlessly, like two pieces of a puzzle. My tongue meets hers, grazing its side, before I let her push inside my mouth, feeling it delicately brush the roof of my mouth. Her right hand is tugging me and steadily moving up, the other clenching harder on my neck. Cosima's hips start to move against mine and I do nothing to stop it, my hands only pull her closer to me.

With a firm suck on my lower lip, her mouth moves away, gentle kisses taking a journey to my ear. "God Delphine..." Her hips give one more instinctive thrust against me and I feel the contact with my heated center. "This is all I want."

A shiver runs down my spine, the unknown thrill of feeling everything falling into place. It shouldn't feel so right; this is not all I want from Cosima. But desire knows no reason and after spending so much time believing the universe was conspiring against us, I let myself drown in Cosima, in how her fingertips follow the shiver down my spine, how her thighs move just enough for me to submerge myself in her.

"Excuse me ladies." A female voice cuts in. "This is a no make out area."

I pull away startled and open my eyes, noticing the bartender looking at us with a scolding expression, quickly hiding my blushed face in the crook of Cosima's neck.

"Oh shit..." Cosima says between chuckles, her head turned back. "Sorry man."

I gather some courage and lift my head, meeting Cosima's smiling eyes. Her thumb brushes softly along my jawline and she's playfully wiggling her nose. I can't help and place a kiss on it, earning a giggle in return.

"I guess this makes some kind of karmic sense." She says chuckling.

I raised my brow. "Why is that?" I ask, confused.

Cosima's face turns disappointed in no time. "You really don't remember, do you?"


	32. And So It Began

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you missed it, go back a chapter, this is a two chapter update. :D  
> Thanks to Cophine for beta

**Two years and seven months ago**

"Cos, wake up!" I hear in the distance, still trapped somewhere between the confusion of unconscious and reality. "Shit, Cosima wake the fuck up!" The familiar voice becomes more insistent and now there's a firm hand on my upper arm, shaking me vigorously.

I turn my head in the direction of my friend's voice and try to open my eyes but the light coming from the windows prevents me to do it. "What?" I groan.

"You need to get up and leave." Jen insists again, but at least she's stopped the pushing, which is a very good thing, cause the motion was making me queasy and I really don't want to throw up on her couch.

"What's the hurry, man?" I rub my eyes and blindly search for my glasses, only finding them when Jen hands them to me.

"My mom will be up soon, if she finds you sleeping on our couch again..."

"Too late for that!" Jen's mother voice comes from the other side of the room. "Good morning, Cosima." Mrs. Holland or Susan, as she keeps insisting that I call her, approaches the couch where I literally passed out at 4 am, and gives me a once over. "So... Coffee." She says, already walking towards the kitchen.

"Yeah, thanks Susan." I reply and the sound of my voice is more throaty than usual.

My tongue feels like sandpaper, more than likely the result of too much alcohol and spliffs from last night. When I raise my head a bit more the world seems to spin on its axis and with another groan I let my head drop to the armrest again.

"I'm gonna get a shower." Jen says and I see her walk up the stairs.

I let my self stay there for a little while longer, constantly rubbing my face and stretching my limbs, willing my body to gain some energy. It's not until the smell of coffee reaches me that I am able to move on my own volition. I wander into the kitchen and without a word Susan hands me a mug of steaming coffee. She let's me drink it only eyeing me occasionally; it's not until I'm done that she starts.

"Second time this week, Cosima." Her voice has a hint of severity, but she's more concern. "I don't know how many times this month."

"I know, I'm really sor..."

"Don't give me that!" She cuts me off. "Honestly, I don't know what's keeping me from telling your father."

I scoff. "You can tell him, see if I care." I put the empty mug on the sink and move to the door.

"You're no longer a child, so I'm not gonna treat you like one." Susan's voice stops me before I'm out the kitchen. "This war you have with your father needs to end. I don't know what you think you can accomplish with this."

I look back. "Nothing! Which is exactly what I want from him." She lowers her head at my response and I realize that it might have sound too rough. "Thank you for letting me stay, really." I say heartily.

She laughs a bit. "It's not like I have much of a choice, is it? I wake up and find you snoring on my couch."

I smile and leave the kitchen. Moving through the all too familiar house I enter my friend's bedroom and wait for her, sitting on her desk until she returns from her shower. While I wait, I start to think about how many hours I've spent here. First when we where little girls, playing with Jen's dolls, until I  _inadvertently_  pop their heads off; I really don't think she liked me much at the time. Later when school got more demanding we would spend hours studying together and exchanging notes on the few classes we shared. I think it was in this room that I came to realize that I wanted to follow the sciences. I wasn't entirely sure which field then - I was only 12 after all.

This was also the place where I admitted for the first time, out loud, that I might be a little different. I remember it clearly, like it's happening before my eyes, like a movie. I see a 15 year old version of me, talking with my oldest friend, more than that, my sister of sorts. Jen can't stop talking about Pete, this guy who's a couple years older than us and will soon be leaving to college. Jen's complaining that by the end of the year, when he leaves she will miss her chance to tell him how she feels.

"And how do you feel?" I asked her, my brows raised, my eyes temporarily leaving my biology notes.

"I think I love him, Cos." She said, in an sweet tone.

I couldn't help my chuckle. "You haven't even talked with him properly. How can you say you love him?"

Jen straightened her back and her hands stared to fly around, her cheeks blushing profusely. "Well... Yeah, but the other day he let me pass in front of him in the line for the cafeteria and he just smiled so..." She swoons a little. "I felt like we really connected."

I laughed with pleasure. "Yeah... If you felt a  _connection_  you should totally go for it!" I encouraged her. She was my best friend and all I wanted is to see her happy, regardless of what I thought of the whole situation. I dropped my eyes back to my homework.

"What about you?" Jen asked. I hummed, my attention more on my work than on what she was talking about. "Which boy do you like?"

My head snapped up at her question. "I like..." I started, meaning to give her the name of the most popular boy in school, every girl dreamed about him, so why shouldn't I? "I like Alicia." I said instead.

Jen's eyes doubled in size and she said very slowly. "But... Alicia is a... She's a girl."

I nodded. "I know that!"

Alicia turned out to be incredibly straight, which I was kinda counting on, what none of us could imagine is that she would end up dating Pete, my friend's crush. Somehow that was good for our friendship, we could complain to each other about the misery love could bestow upon those who dared to feel it. It was an inconsequential crush, of course - we were both young and would eventually recover from our heartbreaks. Nonetheless, it brought us even closer and what could've been a huge issue between us, turned into something that would bind us forever.

"This can't go on, Cosima." Jen's voice inside the room brings me back to the present. "You know that, right? She's not worth it."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." I say, ignoring the annoying look my friend gives me.

"Kate!" And just the sound of her name is enough to make me drop my head. "She is gone. You need to move on, forget about her."

I start to get angry again. "She went away to study. When she is done, she'll come back."

"Okay... How long will that take? Two, three years?" Jen knows me too well to allow me to expand on my fury. "Meanwhile you're left waiting, please..." She puffs, opening a drawer and taking out a shirt.

"We've been together for over four years. I think we can withstand that long." I say flatly.

"Then why did she break up with you before she left?"

"We are on a break, not broken up. There's a difference." I get up from the chair and go to the window. "Long distance never works."

"Are those your words or Kate's?" I hear my friend starting to rummage her closet.

"Whatever!" I say and walk to the door, but Jen holds the door close before I have time to leave. "What?"

"Cosima..." She breaths deeply. "You can do so much better than her."

I force the door open. "I can't believe you just said that." And I move quickly down the stairs.

"I said it because it's true." Jen follows me and stands by the open door, still with nothing but a shirt and panties. "Do you have any idea how many girls ask me for your number when we're out together?"

I finally stop and look at her. "Does it matter?"

My friend is feeling a little exposed, and rightfully so. "Close the damn door will you." I do it and she looks at me with an encouraging smile. "Kate's been gone for four fucking months. If or when she comes back, who knows what she'll want then."

"We are keeping in touch. I know she'll come back." I explain. "And when she does, I'll be here for her. Kate has helped me through a lot and..."

"I know that." Jen says, exasperated. "I'm just trying to make you see there's more out there than Kate. She's all you know, don't you think you should, at least see what else is out there."

"I know I can't love anyone else like I love her." I confess with an heavy heart.

My friend looks at me sadly. "Maybe you can love someone else differently, you know. Less... Uhmm..."

"Less what?" I snap at her.

"Fuck, Cos! It's your life... Do what you want!" She says fast and opens the door.

My friend's words ring in my head for the rest of the day. Part of me knows that she's right: Kate won't get back any time soon and two years sounds like a long time. Even if we promised to stay in touch, there's no saying how we'll feel when the time comes for us to see each other again. Really see. Not the fleeting visits I will be allowed during that time, when we will always avoid the topic of us being, in fact, apart. We are apart, I know that much, but are we broken up? Will the promises to not forget hold true once she returns for good? I want to believe that, I want to believe there's still hope, but at the same time I know that nothing can put so much stress in a relationship as distance. It was Kate's idea to take a break while she's away, however there's no denying the reality behind her reasons.

During the lunch break I try to call her, in an attempt to somehow appease my mind. I only get her voice mail. "Hi...Hmm... It's me... Uhmm.. Cosima." I chuckle at my own awkwardness. I've always hated talking with machines. "Just been thinking about you and... Yeah... Call me when you get this."

Next I try to make amends with my friend. "Sorry about this morning. I was a little of an ass. See you later?" I text Jen.

Her answer comes fast. "We will talk." I roll my eyes reading it, this is her way to let me know that I'll have to work hard to make up for my little tantrum. "Can't tonight, need to calm mom." It's the rest of her text.

I get up and go to the library, maybe I can study a bit before Mrs. Croft kicks me out. I need to find a solution for my problem: night is when I can study best, but I can't exactly do it where I'm staying. Don't know why, I just can't seem to focus on what I am supposed to be doing. The study hall, which is open at night, is always too crowded and I hate it there. Finally the library closes to damn early.

Saying hi to the librarian I take my regular seat and take out my notes, but I know I'm too rattled for this study session to be productive. Still I take a deep breath and will myself to focus. But before I manage to get passed the first page I see her enter, totally distracted, the blonde gives a little wave in Mrs. Croft direction, before going directly to the same desk she occupies every day. I smile to myself and get back to my studies.

I stay home the next few nights. Jen's right, I've been pushing my luck lately and if I keep going like this there's no way I can accomplish what I pretend. But when Saturday night comes around, not even my friend can stay home. We go out, not intending to do much more than have a drink, chat some and go home. When we arrive we noticed there's a different environment, more men than usual, although it's not out of the ordinary for the Saturday night to attract a mixed crowd. For once my friend is ecstatic, when it's me picking the place she gets the nasty end of the deal.

Eventually my friend ditches me, Jen says something about a bachelor's party happening and goes away with a drink in her hands. I can't blame her; she's hasn't have a boyfriend for a while. She could use some distraction.

I move to the counter to get something to drink, while my friend makes up her mind whether she needs me to stay or if I can just leave. As I wait for my drink I scan the patrons, there are a lot of new faces today, probably result of the bachelor's party Jen mentioned.

It doesn't take long for me to notice her. Sitting gracefully on a stool, a drink in front of her, the blonde I usually see in the library and a few times around campus is talking with another girl with long dark hair, whose back is turned to me. I've never seen her smile before, she's always alone with a closed expression, as if she's in her own little world, completely unaware of the effect she has on other people. It's a shame though, because her smile is something worthy of close admiration, her entire face brightens with it. Even from a few stools away I can see her eyes sparkling intensely. Whoever she is with seems to be closed to her; her posture is more relaxed than I've ever seen before, she's usually tense, like carrying a heavy burden on her shoulders.

But not now. Now the blonde is laughing at something the other girl said, her shoulders shaking with the movement, blonde waves of curly hair shifting with it.

Normally I would be happy just to steal a few glances now and then, the same way I've been doing since our paths first crossed. However, when a guy approaches the two girls and slips an arm around the blonde's friend, pulling her to the dance floor, I find myself giving a few tentative steps in her direction, since she's now alone, watching the other girl go away with the guy.

Getting close to her I twist my lips in a way to conceal the huge grin that's threatening to give me away. "I can see that you've been abandoned by your friend as well." I say in a greeting way.

She turns her head my way and, for the first time, I can contemplate her up close. Her eyes are deep brown, tainted by shades of emerald green, light freckles spread on her features, giving character to her otherwise smooth, pale skin; one of them just below her bottom lip, as if drawing attention to her perfect mouth.

"What?" She says, obviously confused.

"Your friend left you by yourself." I explain further, pointing my chin in the direction of the girl on the dance floor, grinding against the guy. "Mine did the same, just left me to get it on with some guy." I chuckle awkwardly, hoping not to be making a fool of myself.

She seems to be growing uncomfortable, her eyes barely steady on me, before she quickly looks away, like she's searching for something. I reach for her forearm, resting on the counter, trying to comfort her, give her some semblance of security, but my hand hardly makes contact with her skin before she hastily moves it away from my touch.

"Hey... It's okay. You just seem a bit jumpy." I raise my hands quickly and wave them. "Are you sure you're..."

"I'm sorry." She says fast and it's only then that I notice her light accent. "I'm not... I don't... Uhmm... I don't do that."

"Do what?" I say softly, trying to sound soothing. "You don't talk with people?"

She looks away again, avoiding my stare, bitting her lower lip, in a way that only drives my attention more to her mouth. "Non... That's not what I..."

"Is she bothering you?" A strong male voice comes from behind me.

The blonde's eyes go to somewhere above my head and I can feel a body behind me, unpleasantly close. I turn to see who's come to her  _rescue_. The dude's tall, there's no denying that, very freaking tall. Military short blond hair, big blue eyes, I guess you can say he's... Good looking, by the every day, boring, standards.

I look back to the girl again and her eyes haven't left his face.  _Fuck! Well, that's that!_

"We're just talking, dude." I say, raising my shoulders in a stupid attempt to seem taller than I am.

His eyes move to me and there's undeniably contempt in his expression. "From where I was standing it looked like you were just annoying her."

There's a moment of uncomfortable silence between us, all the while the blonde's eyes don't leave the guy. I clear my throat and give her one last small smile before walk away.

"Hi, I'm Albert." I still hear the guy introduce himself before they are out of my ears range.

I maneuver amongst the people around the dance floor, trying to find Jen to ask her if she's ready to leave and let her know if she doesn't, I will. The night is over for me. I find her in the middle of a full make out session with some guy and breath out, not sure if I should interrupt her or just leave her a text, saying I'm leaving.

"Hi!" A girl gets my attention by placing a hand gently on my arm.

I turn around and look at her with a raised brow. Slightly taller than me, she has a pleasant smile and notice her light brown eyes inspecting me, from top to bottom.

I smile back. "Hi." Then I raise my hand to her cheek, moving her long, dirty blonde hair out of the way and rest the palm of my hand against the side of her neck, pulling it just enough to reach her ear. "Wanna dance?" I ask softly, enjoying the shiver and enthusiastic nod I get in return.

At least she's a good dancer, swaying her waist against mine, I can feel my body slowly responding to her teasing. My hands go to her hips and I pull her closer against me, feeling her gasp at the contact against the base of my neck, where her lips have gone to not long after we started to dance. When my right hand moves under her shirt, connecting with the skin of her lower back, the girl groans and I feel her teeth gradually sinking in my neck.

Two songs in and I'm pinning her against a wall, in a secluded corner - or at least, as secluded as on can get in here. Our mouths attached, my tongue eagerly exploring the inside of her mouth. When I pop open the button of her jeans and without preamble slip my hand inside, she moans. I'm met with a familiar wetness and grind my hips against her, feeling her hands grasping roughly on my shoulders.

***

**Two years later**

My phone vibrates and I wake up easily, used to that sound being my wake up call. I reach for it on a bedside table that isn't mine. I look at my side and the girl is still sound asleep, lightly snoring even.

We had a good time last night. I remember thinking she's funny, a very peculiar sense of humor with which I can relate. What's her name again? Lisa? No, no... That's not it... Olivia! The name comes back to my still awakening brain. I smile. She's not a bad lay either, if a little too loud.

I get up and quietly leave the room. Walking around the house, I try to find the bathroom and that's easy enough since the door is a bit open. Next I go to the kitchen, peeking inside to make sure no one's there.

I search around the cabinets, being as quietly about it as I can and remembering my glasses still on the nightstand. Eventually I find the coffee I knew that had to be here somewhere, judging by the machine on top of the counter. I put the coffee brewing, feeling a little hesitant about doing it in a stranger's house, but I need it to start the day and I'm already late as it is. While I wait for the coffee to be ready, I open the fridge, hoping to find some fruit or something, anything to eat.

The door swings open and I immediately straighten my back, turning around to find her looking confused at the coffee machine. Toothbrush in hand, her hair is a beautiful mess of wild blonde curls. Still in her sleeping clothes: a large t-shirt that leaves one of her shoulders naked and shorts that let me contemplate the length of her legs greedily.

She turns around suddenly and her shocked gaze falls on me. All can do is smile widely, noticing her chin covered in toothpaste.

"Oh, merde!" She says loud, then aims the toothbrush my way. "Who the hell are you?"

_Small fucking world!_


	33. Gone Too Far

"Remember what?" I ask and feel Cosima's body tense up under my touch. Where once was a relaxed fluidity of movements and softness at the contact, it's now straining muscles. Her body feels as hard as stone.

She shakes her head. "Nothing… Forget about it…" And she tries to pull our mouths together again, her hand finding the back of my neck and applying pressure.

However, she doesn't relax and my hands can feel the tightness where they rest on her hips. I move one hand up to her shoulder and push her away gently before our lips can meet. She doesn't press, easily backing up to meet my eyes. I've never been adept at reading her mind; she has always seemed a bit of a mystery to me. Except for now. I don't know if she's allowing me to read her, or if for once, she can't hold back her feelings.

For whatever reason, the sorrow in her eyes is unmistakable; a mix of disappointment and sadness that causes my heart to squeeze. Even more so when I have the impression that it was me who put such an expression on her normally pleasant countenance. It's nothing like the combative mask Cosima had during our most painful disagreements, it's something that runs deeper within her.

"Tell me." I let my hand travel from her shoulder to softly stroke her cheek.

Cosima shakes her head once more. "It doesn't matter. I shouldn't have said anything." She lowers her head as she speaks, keeping me from seeing her thoughts through her eyes. Her hand leaves my neck and the comforting touch on my lower back leaves in its wake, nothing but an unpleasant chill.

My hand on her hip grips harder and she lifts her head again, giving me a weak smile, only one corner of her mouth quirked up. "We've met before." Cosima says.

"I… Uhmm… Of course we have." I respond, still not understanding.

"No, I mean… Before." She takes a deep breath and her shoulders slump visibly in a gesture of resignation. "Here... years ago. You came with Olivia... and we talked." She chuckles sadly at the memory. "Or at least I tried to introduce myself."

I lower my right hand from her cheek, but maintain a loose contact with the hand on her hip as I try to remember. "Are you sure?" I ask, not yet entirely convinced I could've forgotten something like that. "Olivia has come with many people here, are you sure it was…"

"Yeah, I'm sure!" She stops me, her voice raising just barely, but she can't keep the annoyance away from it. "I believe it was the night you met  _Al_." The name of my ex-boyfriend coming out with open disdain. "He came to your rescue."

I search my memory. The night I met Albert… My eyes move to the side along the bar, leaving Cosima's face and going to the stool I remember sitting on when Albert introduced himself. I remember he was so flattering, took me instantly by surprise. He was kind when other men had been too eager, too obvious on their intentions. I remember thinking to myself, as I entered home that night, that I'd never had so much fun in a very long time; perhaps not since I'd moved to the States. We spent the entire night talking and laughing, and when he'd dropped me at home that night, he didn't even lean in for a kiss. He had just asked for my number, which I gave willingly.

And to think that I would never have met him if it hadn't been for the fact that he'd noticed I was feeling rather uncomfortable with the advances from…

My eyes opened wide as I find Cosima's face again, the sad smile still on her lips. I try to bring some moisture to my mouth, but it still feels as dry as a desert.

_It could_ _'_ _ve been her_ , the thought rings through my brain. I could've spent that night with Cosima, had I not been so… So what?

"Cosima..." I start low, my arm moving up again to find her face, but she leans away, evading my touch.

"Could you just answer me one thing?" She says, her voice coming off with a bitter edge and I know I'm not going to like this. Still I nod slowly. "What was the difference between me and him?"

It's my turn to lower my head, carefully thinking about her question. I don't answer for a long time and I can sense Cosima is not enjoying my silence. Her body eases away, assuming the same position as when I was ready to leave. She distances herself in such a way that I can read her physical detachment from me as an emotional wall rising; once again, separating me and her.

"I thought I was nice, not too aggressive." Cosima presses on. "What? You couldn't have  _talked_  with me just because I don't have a dick?" She doesn't even bother to disguise the roughness of her words.

"I was not..." I try quietly.

"Yeah... You were not..." She cuts me off as she moves away, the light touch I still had on her falling limply to my side.

But I don't let her walk away, my arm darts forward, gripping the wooden bar to form a barrier, while my other hand takes a firm hold on her elbow. "Merde, Cosima. What do you want me to say?" She turns and faces my stare. "That I was uncomfortable? That the possibility of something like this hadn't even crossed my mind?"

"I was  _just_  trying to make conversation. And here comes this guy and sweeps you away." She says angrily. "All he had to do was show up and smile at you."

I breath out frustrated. "If you are expecting me to say I'm sorry for something that happened so long ago..."

"I can't do shit with your apologies, Delphine." Now she's openly pissed. "But the fact that you didn't even fucking remember me from that night speaks volumes."

"Do you remember everyone you've met for only two minutes?" I ask, my own anger showing its face. "Do you even remember every girl you've ever been with?"

I regret my last words even before I've finished saying them. I know it's a low blow, one that Cosima doesn't deserve. She starts to move away immediately, my arm a much too weak barrier to keep her from getting away from me after those words.

"Wait, Cosima!" I trail after her with quick steps. "I didn't mean that..."

She whips her head my way. "Fuck you!" She spits. "What the fuck gives you the right to judge me like that?"

"Nothing!" My weak response. "I shouldn't have said it."

"No, you shouldn't have!" She agrees bitterly as she turns to continue towards the door.

I try to follow her again, struggling to find something to say that can make up for my insult, but she stops me, turning one last time and raising an hand. "Don't!"

And that stops me. I watch her leave, thinking that it's better this way: I can think of nothing to repair the damage I've done, and more to the point, if she's even in the frame of mind to hear me. All I do is throw my head back, take a deep breath, and take my phone out of the pocket.

I text Olivia, telling her that I'm going home and that she should enjoy the rest of the night, requesting she not make too much noise when she gets home.

I manage to sleep, but when I wake up I feel more tired than when I went to bed. Mine was not a restful sleep. I only vaguely remember a dream, feeling Cosima close to me; a comfortable, almost familiar warmth emanating from her presence. Then, those dreadful words, and Cosima proceeds to name every single one of her past lovers as she undresses me. Her hands are no longer warm, although they still burn, but as cold as dry ice. I wake up with a jerk, my body freezing but the ache between my legs undeniable.

I leave my bedroom and immediately get in the shower, trying to chase away the sicking feeling I had since last night. It's futile, of course. A shower won't make any difference. I can't simply wash away the words like a bad smell. I deliberately take my time getting out of the bathroom, hearing Olivia move around the living room, then quiet voices, until I hear the front door open and shut.

Part of me wishes my friend had left with Sylvia, but I'm not so lucky and my roommate is sitting on the edge of the couch, her eyes nailed to the bathroom door when I open it.

"So...?" She says teasingly. "I thought you would have company in there." Olivia stretches her neck, trying to pray inside.

"She's not here." I say simply.

"What? Did she leave early?" She implies.

"She never came." I pace to my room and shut the door.

Olivia, of course, while understanding my state of mind, is not one to respect it entirely. She knocks heavily on the door, I pull my sweatpants up my legs and don't respond. She knocks again as I pull a tank top over my torso. The third time she knocks I have nothing else to do but roll my eyes.

I open the door abruptly and stride towards the couch, sitting myself forcefully and cross my arms over my chest, waiting for another round.

My friend doesn't leave me waiting for long. "What happened? You two seemed so... friendly the last time I saw you."

"We started to talk." I tell her, like that can explain everything.

"Oh fuck..." Olivia says low, perfectly capable of comprehending the meaning of my statement. "So... Not good?" She completes tentatively.

"It's my fault." I admit sadly. "I said something I shouldn't have. I've crossed a very wide line, Olivia."

She hums. "How wide?"

"Football field wide."

"American or European?" Olivia weirdly asks.

I look at her. "Does it matter?"

"No, not really." She shakes her head before she let's it drop, staring at our bare feet. "Either way it's pretty bad."

I get up and go to the kitchen, starting the coffee machine. While I wait for it to brew, Olivia joins me.

"Why did you?"

I shrug defeated. "I don't know... I was mad." I take two cups from the sink, where they'd spent the night drying. "It's no excuse, I shouldn't have said it."

My roommate is uncharacteristically quiet for along time, then she clears her throat, finally gaining the courage to ask. "What did you say?"

I fix my gaze on her and I do start to open my mouth to tell her, but find myself to ashamed to repeat the words. Instead I fill a cup of coffee and hand it to her, then one to myself and go back to the living room.

The mood in the house is so tense that I know Olivia avoids staying in for too long. She spends Saturday night out, at Sylvia's house I imagine, and she doesn't return until Sunday evening, when I'm already in bed and reading. Monday morning when I muster the strength to get out of my room, thinking I will be faced with an empty house, I'm surprised to find her in the kitchen making coffee.

Without a word she gives me the mug and waits until I drink it. When I'm done and placing the mug in the sink, she finally speaks.

"Do you know what are you gonna do?"

"No." I reply honestly. "I think it's out of my hands now."

"Fuck, Delphine. Here we go again." She says loud, her hands flying all over the place. "Nothing is out of your hands. What you need to do is find a way to make it right."

"Some things cannot be unsaid, Olivia." I tell her. "Cosima won't come back from this, not when she has Kate."

"And I thought you said Kate wasn't a factor." My friend reminds me.

"If I hadn't fucked up, yes." I nod. "But I've created a mess. And to be honest, even if Kate wasn't in the picture, it probably wouldn't make any difference."

"Jeez, girl... What did you say?" I shake my head, refusing to answer her question. "Okay... I think this goes beyond my vast knowledge." She admits.

I leave early since Monday is when I have my advisor meeting; informing him of my progress and for him to reinforce the idea that he's here to help in every way he can. I try to pay attention to what he's saying, and most of the time I even succeed. However, the monotonous sound of Dr. Coleman's voice and the knowledge that I'll have to see Cosima again racing through my mind, causes me to trail off. When he dismisses me I'm not sure if I should feel relieved or scared.

I reach the lab's door, not surprised to find it locked and no one inside. Cosima is also meeting with Dr. Ford after all, it's not unreasonable to think they have plenty to talk about. I am, however, surprised to see the two of them walking side by side down the hall.

"Ms. Cormier." The professor says, nodding politely at me while we wait for Cosima to open the door.

Meanwhile, Cosima doesn't even look at me. She just steps inside and goes directly to her station. All I can do is stare at her and thinking I do deserve this.

"Cosima has told me that she thinks you are able to have lab time on your own." Dr. Ford's words are like a punch to the gut.

I look in Cosima's direction again, she's making herself busy with something on her desk.

"You hesitate." Dr. Ford says, staring at me unimpressed. "Perhaps you don't share her trust in your own abilities."

This time Cosima looks at us, her lips a thin line. She knows she has put me in an impossible position: if I say no I will be admitting that I don't trust myself alone in the lab.

"Non... No, it's just..." I raise my hand to my hair, trying to gain time. "It's so sudden." I say lamely.

Dr. Ford takes a deep breath, clearly not enjoying this. "Either way, it's not decided yet. I'll have to speak with your advisor and I would like to see your progress for myself." She informs me. "I'll decide after that."

"Thank you, Dr. Ford." I say, because I know there's no choice here. "I appreciate the opportunity."

This seems to satisfy her and after a warm goodbye for Cosima, she leaves.

I clench my jaw and shut my eyes. "So... This is how's it gonna be?" I say low; raising my voice will accomplish nothing.

"I don't know why you're so upset." Cosima answers meekly. "I just did you a favor."

"Dieu!" My voice is close to a shout, my hands going to the back of head as I frustratingly let it out. "Why can't we just stop hurting each other like this?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just hope this week's episode makes up for this... The next chapter is already on the works, so you don't have to wait too long (hopefully)


	34. Knockout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised quickly update. I had to do it really, especially when canon is not helping...
> 
> Thanks to Cophine for putting up with me :D

Cosima's eyes widen, obviously surprised by my sudden outburst. Her gaze, steady, as if she's frozen in place.

Exasperation coloring my words as I keep going. "Every freaking time! Why is that, Cosima?" I ask, taking a few determined steps towards her. "Why the hell can't we just talk like normal people? Why does it always have to end the same fucking way; a war of words to see who's able to hurt the other the most."

She remains quiet, but her eyes stay fixed on me. She doesn't move as I cross to  _her side_  of the lab, divided by some imaginary line drawn by ourselves.

"I'm just so tired of this." I confess with another deep breath, but somehow my voice doesn't waver. "I don't want to fight you anymore, Cosima! I never did. Yet, here we are, traveling the same painful path." My hand waving between us, Cosima still unmoving. "And we both know how this is going to end, so... come on, why don't you give me your best shot? I'll do the same, and we can bruise each other permanently, then move on with our lives hating each other and ourselves!"

I wait, eyes blazing at her as she blinks a few times, buffeted by the harshness of my words. For a moment I think I register a hint of anger in her gaze, but as fast as it appeared it leaves and Cosima lowers her head, her jawline set. I notice the muscles of her arms flex as she grips the table in front of her.

"Why don't you start?" She says, her voice low, strained, like she's trying hard to contain her emotions.

"Cosima, I don't want to do that." My voice calms down along with my raging thoughts. "I don't want to keep hurting you." I take a few cautious steps in her direction. "I feel physically sick when I do."

She doesn't lift her head, keeping it dropped, as if hiding herself from me. I stop at the edge of her desk, my right hand flat on the white covered wood, not very far from hers. My eyes drop to it and I fight the urge to touch her, to somehow make it all go away; even if I'm not sure I could accomplish it. This is not the time for that. This time, I need her to make the effort to open up without any gentle coaxing.

"Then why did you offer?" Cosima asks in the same tone, talking to the table.

"Is that really what you want? For me to keep hurting you?" I inquire, an uncomfortable resignation settling in as the only response I get from her is a shrug. "Because I won't!" I decide, expressing it aloud. "I'd rather never see you again than cause you that kind of pain."

I head back to my own table, on  _my side_  of the lab, and ready my things to do what I have planned for today. Cosima says nothing. I chance a look at her and she is in the same position; her back hunched over the table, hands gripping the edge, her body stiff.

"And now, thanks to your little stunt, you can actually make that happen." I continue my one-sided conversation. "So congratulations, Cosima, you've ma…"

She startles me into silence as she quickly grabs her things and flies out the door. I swallow thickly, closing my eyes, and take a few deep breaths, trying to calm my mind and forcing it to focus on the work I have ahead of me.

I push the ache in my heart aside, ignoring the way it feels to have her once again, disappear on me; raising that damn wall around herself for god knows how many times in the last few months. It feels like something inside her broke, or perhaps cracked, leaving a side of her exposed. A side that I didn't even know was there, but I'm sure Cosima herself was unaware of its existence.

The way she seemed to be struggling with herself is not normal. She seemed lost, fractured between two versions of herself, unable to decide which one to hold on to. If only she'd give me the chance to tell her that I know exactly how that feels, because I've been there myself. She was the one responsible for it. Cosima was the one who put me there and that, yes, it's hard, but once you've made up your mind, you can see so clearly that you start to wonder why you fought it so much in the first place. I can tell her that the feeling of freedom is so complete, that even when you find yourself in a dead end, you surprise yourself by finding solutions in the most unexpected of places.

The irony in all this is that when I met Cosima, one of the things that most impressed me on her was how self-assured she was; how she knew so well what she wanted and how tenacious she was in getting what she wanted. And maybe my assessment of her wasn't entirely wrong then, I still do believe that's the way she really is. However, something, obviously happened that pushed her to where she is now.

_Kate._

The name weaves into my mind without a second thought. She is the change, the difference, the only variable in Cosima's life. When Kate returned something split inside the once daring, cocky young woman. I try not to hate anyone; it's a horrifying feeling that spreads poison in one's mind, but this is the closest I've ever been to feeling that way. And it's not only that she's Cosima's girlfriend, in fact, my biggest issue with her is the effect she had on Cosima, turning her into someone who struggles to find her own place, who truly doesn't seem to be comfortable in her own skin.

No one deserves to feel that way. I should know.

The lock beeps and I quickly spin my head to the door, expecting to see Cosima returning, perhaps she just needed some fresh air or something. Clear her head. But it's Dr. Ford's surprised expression that I see.

"You're still here?" She asks, giving a few steps inside and scanning the room. "Where's Cosima?"

"She had an emergency and had to leave in a hurry." My brain doesn't even stop to consider my words, the only thing I do is a fleeting gaze at my watch and notice that I've been here for almost an hour over our scheduled time. "I… I got distracted." I mumble, while I start to store my things. "I had no idea it was so late."

Dr. Ford comes by my desk and, without asking, starts to read my notes written on a notepad, still open on top of it. "You're very meticulous, aren't you?"

I start to feel self-conscious, knowing exactly what she's is reading. It's been my method for many years to record every little thing regarding my works, so thoroughly that even the minutes I put my observations in have to be precise. As I approach the desk, I have to put my hands in my pockets to avoid taking my notes from under her nose. Generally, I hate to have people going through my things, but my antipathy for the woman makes that impulse almost irresistible.

However, she doesn't take too long before she returns them to me, eyeing me carefully, a look of curiosity on her face. "You know, after I spoke with Cosima, I reread your paper." She starts, moving away from my workstation, but staying close enough for me to continue to feel restless. "And I found myself wondering what went wrong during your presentation."

I wait for her to continue, but Dr. Ford has stopped talking and when I look at her again, the interested inspection remains on her expression. She seems to be waiting for me to answer.

"Well… I've asked myself that many times." I respond tentatively. "Truth is, I don't know." I do, but I won't share it with her.

She hums and nods slightly. I don't think I've fooled her. "How do you like working with Cosima?" Dr. Ford seems to change tactics. "Do you two get along?"

"Uhmm… It's…" I fight to find the right words. "Fine." The professor twitches her nose, clearly not convinced. "Most of the time." I complete in the name of honesty.

"She can be challenging." She admits, nodding. The corner of her lips curling up just a bit in a ghost of a smile. "I imagine it should be somewhat difficult for you to deal with her, with you being so different."

I frown, not sure where she's going with this conversation. "What do you mean?" I ask in the least offended tone I can muster.

"Did you put her up to it?" Dr. Ford asks frankly, her gaze falling sharply on me, not in an intimidating way, but determined. "Did you ask Cosima to put in that request?"

I can't help but laugh deeply, inordinately please with the confused look that crosses her face. "Dr. Ford, I assure you, I can't  _make_ Cosima do anything. If nothing else, had I asked her to do such a thing, she would, most likely, have asked you to extend our lab time together."

"So, this was all her?" She asks after a few moments of thoughtful silence.

I nod my agreement. "To be honest, I don't mind sharing my lab time with her, but if Cosima doesn't want to, I won't force her."

She moves to one of the restricted fridges and starts to take something from it, placing it under one of the microscopes. Thinking our conversation is over, I gather my things and move to the door.

"Why wouldn't she?" The professor's voice stops me before I walk out. I turn around and see her still staring through the microscope, but she repeats her question. "Why wouldn't Cosima want to continue to share the lab with you?"

I gaze at my feet and carefully formulate my one word answer. "Privacy." I reply, shrugging.

Dr. Ford takes her time raising her head to look at me. She observes me for a moment and I feel as if I'm the one under the microscope. Finally she nods. "Pass by my office tomorrow after you're done here, with your little notes and we'll discuss it. Don't be late!" She finishes pointedly.

"Very well." I say, quickly taking my leave before she regrets it.

It might have consequences that I don't particularly enjoy, like the possibility of not having Cosima in my life every day, if ever again, but the second chance Dr. Ford is giving me is very welcome. At least I will have another opportunity to show that I'm not the mumbling fool I was during that awful presentation. Cosima's motives might not have been so pure, but it's undeniable that she did me a favor. Perhaps the last thing she has done for me, good or bad.

I scoff and shake my head as I leave the building, a bitter smile on my lips. Isn't it funny that, in the end, it turns out to be a good thing, even if her true intention was to hurt me? An obvious ploy to keep me away from her. The sad realization that Cosima has tried harder to keep her distance than she ever did in keeping me close doesn't escape me.

As I pass by the parking lot I'm surprised to see Kate there, standing by a scarlet red bike, an helmet hanging from the handle and the one I recognize as Cosima's on top of the seat. She raises her head from her watch and eyes me, giving me a scorned look. I don't bother to slow down, nor do I increase my pace, but I don't pretend not to see her either. It must have slipped Cosima's mind to warn her girlfriend she left earlier. I would be selfishly happy with that if my mind wasn't occupied with something else.

After dinner, I informed Olivia of the latest developments and a sad notion comes to my mind.

"Kate didn't have to do a thing." I give an ironic chuckle. "I was perfectly capable of fucking up things on my own."

My friend shakes her head slowly. "I don't know, Del. I'm sure Kate was working on the backstage, perhaps inspiring Cosima in provoking you."

"It makes no difference, she didn't put those words in my mouth." I take another drag on the cigarette I'm smoking. "And Cosima wouldn't provoke me if she hadn't been receptive to it in the first place, no matter what Kate told her."

Olivia laughs lowly. "You know… I'm tempted to say that you two deserve each other."

"Thanks!" I say, swatting lightly her upper arm.

The next morning I'm still negotiating getting out of bed when I hear the front door close as Olivia leaves. It's unusual for her to get up before me, let alone leave, but my light schedule allows me to indulge in a few extra minutes in bed. I know she has an early class today; she was very loud in her contempt with her semester's schedule.

Ten minutes must have passed before I stretch my limbs and move from my bedroom to the bathroom, the smell of the coffee my friend made still lingers in the apartment and I know there's still some left in the machine to get me started. I wash my face and brush my teeth, going over my morning routine with an heavy heart: today will very likely be the last day I will have Cosima's company. Maybe it won't be so bad; it will certainly help me move on not having to deal with her every day.

I decide to put on something a bit more formal for my meeting with Dr. Ford. I'm pulling a lilac dress shirt over my shoulders, when I hear a knock on the door. Still working on the buttons, I walk to the door, thinking Olivia must have forgotten her phone again, making her once more late for classes.

Not even bothering to look through the peephole, I open the door. "Before you ask, no, I haven't seen…" I stop, my eyes having to focus a few inches lower than I was expecting.

Cosima clears her throat before voicing a low "hi". Her eyes pinned on mine as she extends her arm in my direction, offering what she brought.

I look at it, my brows knit in confusion. "What's the baguette for?" My eyes going from the bread to Cosima.

"French version of a white flag?" She weirdly explains, a smile appearing on her lips.

I chuckle, feeling a smile appearing on my own face. "No, it's not."

Her free hand goes to the back of her neck as she gives an awkward laugh. "Well… It is today." Cosima lowers her head briefly and when she gives me her eyes again I can see hesitation replacing her smile. "Can we talk?"


	35. Reason Is a Complicated Concept

I step aside, allowing her entrance, following her small frame with my eyes as she slowly passes me. She stops a few steps inside the apartment, her back turned to me; long dreads cascading down her shoulders. A simple fiery, yellow tank top wraps tightly around her torso in contrast with the harem pants in the hot colors of red and orange, while simple greek sandals accentuate her petite size.

"Olivia has already left." I say, quietly closing the door. "If that's what you're wondering."

She turns and there's a modest smile on her lips as she meets my gaze. "No, it's just… It's been a while since I was here." Cosima looks around again. "Nothing much has changed."

I chuckle softly. "What did you expect?"

She gives a light shrug, turning again to face the living room. "I don't really know."

We're awkwardly silent as Cosima's eyes sweep the house, like it's the most interesting place she has ever seen, the baguette forgotten in her hands. I wonder what's on her mind. Is she looking for the right words to start? Going over a speech she has practiced before she showed up at my doorstep, like I find myself doing so often? Has she already regretting coming; thinking this a huge mistake?

I clear my throat. "Do you want some coffee?" I offer, thinking I need to do something to break the uncomfortable position we seem to have found ourselves in.

Cosima looks back at me, hums and nods, apparently not ready to express her thoughts in words, perhaps occupied with a million different things. She follows me as I walk into the kitchen, and without a word she places the bread on the counter and stretches herself to pull down two mugs and place them in front of me. When I look at her to thank her the words get caught in my throat as I see that cocky smile and a small wink behind her glasses.

The familiar warmth I'd never experienced prior to meeting Cosima announces its presence without warning. I remember the first time I'd felt it, only a few meters away, in front of the stove. My eyes seek that exact spot and Cosima does the same, stifling a laugh, but she still makes no comment as she accepts the mug of coffee.

Cosima takes an experimental sip, but her face contorts disapprovingly. Still saying nothing, but with her eyes on me and a bit of a playful challenge in them, she pours the coffee down the sink. And before I have time to protest, she takes hold of my own mug and gives it the same treatment.

I can't keep the laugh as I watch her pulling her dreads up, tying them in a sloppy knot and move around my kitchen, putting more coffee to brewing. When there's nothing left for her to do except wait for the machine to be done, Cosima finally looks at me.

"That was disgusting!" Cosima says, her tongue poking between her lips, keeping her grin tight, her hand aiming at the sink no longer tainted with coffee since she was considerate enough to clean her mess. "And you know you like my coffee better."

I force myself not to smile, pressing my lips together, but my nostrils flare. I clear my throat. "I didn't say anything."

"Right." She comments low, then a little louder with a raspy voice. "You're looking very sharp today." Her hand going to lower seam of my shirt, her fingers pull at it lightly.

"I have a meeting with Dr. Ford, later today… hmmm… after lab." My eyes falling to her hand. "To discuss having my own time in the lab."

Cosima's hand leaves my shirt and her arm falls loosely to her side, I hear her swallow as her eyes go to the coffee machine, slowly starting to drip the dark liquid, maybe remembering why she came in the first place.

I take a deep breath. "You really want me to stay away, don't you?" My heart clenching with every word that passes through my mouth. In the end it feels like it leaves a hole in its place when I see Cosima nodding slowly. "Is that why you came here?" I ask in a whisper.

"You deserve an explanation." Cosima says, her gaze falling on me for a brief moment, before she starts to move around again.

I wait for her to continue, but now she seems incredibly focused on pouring the coffee. Instead of handing me one, she slides it across the counter and walks away, stopping at the far end of the kitchen to gaze out the window.

My mind reels back in time. The image is the same: Cosima cradling a mug of coffee between her hands, gazing outside; even the way the sun casts shadows over her small frame seems to be in the exact same position. But it couldn't be, could it? When was that? Six months, maybe more ago… Yet, everything has changed. I'm not the same person I was back then and neither is Cosima. As the Earth went around the Sun 180 degrees, so have we; swapping positions. Maybe that was what Cosima was saying about our flat looking exactly the same; so much has changed, why wouldn't the place where it all started?

"I want to make it work." Cosima's voice grabs my attention, it's not loud and her face is still turned to the glass window and yet I can feel every breath she pulls between each word. "With Kate…"

I scoff, it's impossible to hold it. "What you mean is that you don't need me around anymore."

"No, Delphine." At my bitter remark, she turns, but keeps her distance. "What it means is that I can't have you around anymore."

I shake my head, my gaze steady on her. I want to ask her if that shouldn't be a sign;  _isn't that why you should think before doing this, Cosima? Think as long as you want; as long as it takes for you to see it my way_ , I want to plea.

"You got your girlfriend back and now you don't want to play the little games you used to." Is what I say instead. "You could keep me around as long as it didn't mess up your life too much."

She doesn't answer me, but her shoulders retract, eyes falling to the mug she's cradling between her hands, and I know that my words have touched her; that they have impacted her.

"What about my life?! Have you even stopped to think about it? Do you have any idea what this has done to  _MY life_?" I stop, take a few breaths, and lower my voice. "Everything you've put me through, constantly pushing my buttons. For what?! Cosima? Was it all to keep you entertained until Kate came back."

"God, Delphine!" She says, her right hand going to the back of her head and squeezing. "I didn't want any of this shit. I didn't mean to suck you into all this crap."

"Yet, you did!" I say flatly, crossing my arms over my chest and staring straight at her. "What did you want? What?! Did you want to see how much it would take to break me? Or just a curiosity fuck?" At this she turns back around and I struggle not to scream at her.

"Bien…" I scoff again, glaring at her as she remains silent. "Get out of my house, Cosima!" I say coldly and leave the kitchen.

In the living room I find my pack of cigarettes and light one, pulling the poisonous smoke into my lungs eagerly while watching the kitchen door between drags. It's not until I'm crushing the cigarette in the ashtray, looking outside, that I hear steps coming out of the kitchen. I don't turn, expecting to hear the front door opening and then close.

"I admit it, in the beginning that might have been on my mind." Cosima's voice is throaty, I can hear it coming from somewhere close to the couch. "But I don't want you to think I never cared for you, because…"

"I don't want to know!" I say quickly, cutting her off and reaching for another cigarette. "I don't want to hear you say how much you care, just to have you leave."

"Delphine, I just want you to understand." She continues quietly. "I  _do_  like you..."

"But you like her more." I finish for her. A shaky hand brings the cigarette to my lips, but I reconsider before I light it and put it back in the carton, slowly turning around to finally face her.

Cosima is sitting on the couch, her elbows on her thighs, her face covered by her hands. "It's not even that." Her words are muffled and low, but I hear her clearly. "It's just different."

For a long moment I say nothing, watching as she maintains the same position. I really don't think I've ever seen anyone look so lost, so… vulnerable. And the fact that it's Cosima only makes it worst. I was wrong all along, Cosima is not so confident, not so self-assured as she likes to pretend. Perhaps it's all a front, to hide her true self.

"Different how?" I ask as I take the few steps to sit on the coffee table right in front of her, and patiently wait for her to acknowledge me. "Cosima…" I say gently when she does not look up.

Her shoulders move up and down as she takes a deep breath and finally drops her hands from her face, but her eyes remain focused on the floor. "I'm sorry…" She murmurs, nodding to herself,  _convincing herself_ , I want to believe. "This is what I came here to say. I'm sorry about the way I've behaved and what it cost you." Cosima raises her head, but avoids making eye contact, looking everywhere but at me.

"You came here to say goodbye," I whisper.

She doesn't answer, but she doesn't need to; not with the way her head drops once more, her arms still resting on her thighs. Cosima's hands, usually so filled with appealing energy, fall limply over her bended knees. The woman in front of me seems the personification of defeat, someone who's fought a long battle only to lose miserably. Despite it all, Cosima doesn't budge; she doesn't even begin to move. There's no indication she intends to leave any time soon, as if she's refusing to abandon the theater of her loss.

"Can you just answer one thing for me?" Her eyes focus on me and she nods, smiling weakly. "If Kate hadn't come back…"

"That's not a fair question, Delphine. You know that…" She stops me fast.

"Why not?" I ask with a hint of annoyance.

Something in her posture changes, her shoulders raise just a little and she straightens her back slightly. "O… Okay… If it wasn't for me, would you still be with Albert?" She asks, convinced she's caught me, that I will lie or maybe even not answer at all.

"Probably." I respond honestly. "But I can tell you that it wouldn't have worked. Eventually I would've tired of molding myself to his image."

Cosima squints and a look of defiance crosses her stare, but her words are defensive. "I'm not doing that!"

"I was talking about myself, not you." I don't say it as if I'm making a point, although I am; I say it casually, like it's the logical conclusion, because it is. "But if you saw it that way…" I don't finish, I don't have to.

Cosima lowers her head again, her fingers playing nervously with one of her rings. I don't touch her, but I lean forward, my forearms resting on my legs, my hands wrapped around each other.

"You wouldn't have to change so much for me, Cosima." I chuckle sadly. "I would have you the way you were. That was the person that captivated me."

She's shaking and it takes me a moment to realize she's actually laughing. "How could you say that?" She asks, looking at me and this time the smile on her lips reaches her eyes. "I drove you crazy."

I roll my eyes. "Well, technically you still do." I laugh with her. "Just not the right kind of crazy." Her smile falls a bit at the sound of my words. "What pains me the most, Cosima, is that you actually know what you're doing. If you were unaware of the way you're acting you wouldn't feel compelled to apologize.

"I would be able to understand your choice if you didn't know what was happening." I continue, not because I want to change her decision, but because I need to put it out there. This is not the kind of conversation one wants to leave something unsaid. "But that's not true. You do know what she's doing to you, I just don't get why you're allowing it."

"You continue to talk about Kate like she's some sort of villain." Cosima says, but the bite she usually has when we touch her girlfriend's subject is not there. "Has it ever occurred to you that she might actually be the only person who understands me?"

I adjust my position to put a little distance between us. "If that is the case, why is she making you change?"

"She's not  _making_  me do anything, I'm doing it myself." Cosima fires rapidly.

"Because she deserves a better you." I challenge, forcing my voice to remain soft. "Because your old self was not good enough for her."

"Maybe…" She replies lowly, but with an edge.

"Well, I liked the old Cosima, with her cocky smiles and annoying but endearing flaws." I say, getting up. "And I'm not interested in knowing this new and improved Cosima."

"If you liked her so much, why didn't you do something about it?" Cosima seems to be reaching her limit for polite; heavily loaded conversations with a calm tone don't seem to be her strongest suit.

My tolerance level is also getting close to nothing. Her implication that I didn't want it enough to show it, along with her admitting that this situation is her own idea stings deep. "I did do something! I took my time, but I did. It just so happens that when I got there, she was gone."

"Maybe she got tired of waiting around for you to make up your mind." Cosima says back, also getting up from the couch.

"Oui…" I nod, reaching the table where I have the pack of cigarettes. "Or maybe she's just a little…" I ridiculously pause to think for the right word, " _pussy_  that decided to desert me when things got too serious; when she began to realize that it was more than just a casual fuck."

"Are you kidding me?!" She says in an offended tone. "You made me run in circles after you."

"This is pointless!" I exhale. I actually feel that this is the exact moment my limit is crossed. "You know what? I should have given you what you wanted from the start! That way it would've spared us all this bullshit and at least I would've gotten laid."

For a few moments Cosima says nothing, her eyes opening wide as what I just told her sinks in. I watch her carefully, her expression softening but just barely. "Yes, you should've." She nods slowly.

"And that would've made you happy?" I dare her. "To see me succumb to your advances?"

She snorts, but it's hard to take offense in it, as a quirky smile seems to be trying to make home on her lips and in her eyes flashes a glint filled with mischief. "I guess we'll never know that now, will we?"

"I guess not." I shake my head. "We can't turn back time and, more to the point, that Cosima is gone." I comment offhandedly, but feeling something in the pit of my stomach contract, finally putting the cigarette between my lips.

I'm not stupid, I do know what we're doing here and I know it's… stupid… oh so very stupid. But as it unfolds before my eyes I can't seem to put a stop to it. And the reason is very simple really; the moment we started down this idiotic path I see her again. The grin which used to be a constant is back to her gentle face, the flowing movement of her hands returns, Cosima's no longer tense, her muscles seem to relax, regaining the life that I once knew and took for granted.

Without a word, she approaches me, her motion slow and fluid, even her hips as she walks sway a bit more, encouraged by a confidence gifted only to someone who knows what they're doing. All I can do is watch her, cigarette limply hanging from my lips, the lighter in a hand that stopped moving the moment her intense gaze fell on me.

Her hand reaches for the unlit cigarette and stares intently at my lips as she removes it. "Isn't that a shame?" Her voice teasingly low.

She leans forward to gently place the cigarette on the table behind me, her body close enough for me to feel its warmth, but if she brushes mine it's involuntarily. Cosima stretches her neck so she can see what she's doing, the closeness tempting me to close the distance between us, but instead, I lean back against the table, placing my hands on top of it, releasing the lighter. However my gaze remains steady, observing her softening features, the corner of her lips twitching.

"C'est vrai." I say equally low.

She looks up at me and traps her smirk with her teeth, her deep brown eyes no longer avoiding mine, but holding my gaze. "Maybe we should… like…", a slow swallow, a shallow breath, "investigate further?"

"That seems reasonable, non?" I hear myself saying, even as my own mind is screaming that no, it's not reasonable  _at all_.

Cosima crosses the short distance between us and I stop breathing, like I do when ever we're touching. Not because I find it invasive, as happens with most people, but because my brain freezes with her proximity. Cosima grips my waist and pulls us together, but makes no other movement, waiting to see if I'll pull away as I have before. But I don't. Even if my brain is screaming for me to run, my body refuses because it wants her near. This time my mind is not set, it's not as resolved in its decision. So I stand firm; wanting...no, needing her close.

We stand there, in the middle of the room, looking into each other's eyes and with every passing second I feel my temperature rise, like little needles crawling under my skin and I know what it means. It means I need her to touch me. I need to feel her soft hands on my skin. However, I know she won't make another move in my direction. It's my turn.

My eyes still haven't left hers and I'm mesmerized by what I see as her desire seems to grow while she patiently waits, so different when it's a man. It's obvious what she needs, yes; but there's a softness, a gentleness in her gaze. I move my right hand up to her cheek and I feel the same softness and gentleness under my fingertips as I caress her skin. Cosima releases a small breath at my touch and I notice the delicate curves of her lips, the deep black surrounding her irises, the clear brown in them fast disappearing; a pure black appearing in its place.

I run my thumb over her lips, feeling what my mouth already tasted before, but now it's different. This time I mean to do something about it. Cosima knows this. There is a confidence in her stare, and she parts her lips to give a playful bite on the tip of my finger; making me smile, making me shiver with the prospect of what's to come.

I bring both hands to the back of her neck, pulling her to me, and press our lips together. She doesn't move, allowing me to explore the softness of the tender flesh at my own pace. At first my kiss is little more than a brush. It's hesitant, but with growing confidence, I nip her at her bottom lip and she groans. She starts to respond; her hands, still on my waist grip harder, pulling me closer and she tilts her head up, our mouths clashing.

Her hands leave my hips and she slips her arms between my elbows, I notice her growing a few inches as she goes to the tip of her toes while her fingers tangle in the my hair. Her tongue has not yet made contact with my lips when I'm parting them to receive it, warm and wet, willfully stroking against mine. I let my right hand fall along her back, stopping it between her shoulder blades and feel her weight heavy against my body, making me take one step back until the table behind me hold us.

The sudden shift of my body gives her pause, her kiss loses intensity and I lose the feel of Cosima's tongue in my mouth. One of her hands leaves my head and moves to my side, making a slow descent, until it pauses on my hip, but the touch is loose as if she's afraid I'll change my mind at any moment. But that's at the bottom of my long list of what to do next, so with the hand on her back, I pull at her against me. Her grip tightens and her tongue gives a languid jerk against mine.

I feel her thigh ease between mine and my hips jerk to increase the pressure. I hear a moan and it takes a moment for me to realize that it's from my own traitorous lips. However, I can't stop the undulating motion of my hips and her hand on my hip is encouraging.

She sucks my tongue and it's unlike anything I've ever felt before. It's gentle, almost reverent; far from the eagerness I've grown accustomed to. There's something incredibly sensual, tantalizing when she's the one doing it. I don't know what is, but it elicits a long lazy moan from me.

In spite of all this I can sense that she's still holding back, and I'm becoming impatient. I need more, but I'm unsure how to express my desire. I try to rub harder against her thigh, which is planted firmly against me, but accomplish nothing more than becoming more turned on.

"Cosima..." My voice is pleading, but at this point I simply don't care.

"Yes, Delphine?" The words rolling off her tongue slowly between nips to my neck. Her hand gives a little squeeze on the back of my neck, but she pulls away. "Do you want me stop?"

"Non." Half a word, half a moan and I push her head up, so she can see what I need. It's written on my face. "I think I want to move this to my bedroom."

"You think?" It comes with a soft chuckle and the most devilish smile appears.

She knows exactly what she's doing to me and she wants me to beg, to prove that I want this right now more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I think twice about not giving her the satisfaction, but who am I kidding? I do want this. I do need her. Now! Devilish smirk or not, she has earned the right to hear it from my lips. Besides there's no point in fighting her; not anymore when she has me where she wants; where  _I_  want her.

"S'il te plaît..." My voice is raw, laden with the urgency of my plea.

Still, Cosima doesn't move. She won't make it easy on me; she knows she has me in the palm of her hand. I release her neck and grab the hands on my hip, bringing them to my lips and kiss each knuckle, slowly, my eyes locked on hers. Cosima's breathing quickens and she gives a surprised laugh when I suddenly turn to lead her from the living room, stopping only when we've reached my bedroom.

"I hope I don't have to spell it out for you" I whisper into her mouth, the moment we are inside, pulling her body to me.

She chuckles lightly, but I know it's not because she finds it funny. She does it because this is the moment Cosima knows she's won, that my resisting her is over and I can't care less that she has won this round. Maybe next time I'll put up more of a fight, but it won't be today.

"It didn't even cross my mind." Her voice is husky against the sensitive skin of my neck and her hot breath sends another wave of shivers down my spine.

My words have allowed Cosima to put aside her doubts and her hands move to the buttons of my shirt. Still, she teases me, releasing each one slowly; her lips brushing my neck and trailing down to my collarbone. Her lips become more demanding and I feel her teeth sink in as the last button is released. She finally opens my shirt, but only partially, barely exposing me. I'm quickly reaching my breaking point and put my hands on the back of her head, pulling her to me and arch my back, willing her to move faster...to no avail.

Cosima's fingers slip beneath the edge of my bra, moving it aside, allowing her lips access. She is unhurried. Nothing feels calculated or deliberate, and this surprises me. I never thought Cosima would be this kind of lover, considering the way she moves through the world, taking everything and everyone in front of her with a natural force. But not here, not now. Now as she palms my breast and kisses the top of it softly, her hands have a measured skill.

I feel both her hands glide across my back, her mouth moving to my other breast. Cosima's fingers open my bra with consummate skill, no stutter in the fluidity of her movements. Unhindered, she manages in one motion to strip me fully naked from the waist up, my shirt and bra pooled on the floor.

A gentle push and I'm falling on my bed, Cosima following easily and her thigh finds my center again. I groan my approval and she kisses me once again, slowly and softly, but fleeting as she pulls away. I open my eyes and see an unexpected look of hesitation in her movements. Then she's getting up again and I watch as she pulls her pants down quickly, removing her shoes in the process.

"Forgot about those, huh?" I tease, because I have the feeling this is the only time I'll have the upper hand for quite some time.

Her eyes squint just a bit and she carefully removes her glasses, placing them on my night stand. "Say what you want." She says when her stare finds me again, a playfully glint in her eyes. "I still have you on the bed waiting for me."

Despite her comment, she doesn't leave me waiting for long. Cosima crawls across the bed and places one of her knees between my legs, deliberately pressing it against me and my head falls back. I shut my eyes and let myself get lost for a moment in the feeling, pressing against her. When I open my eyes again, she's in her underwear and I don't know where to focus. There's too much skin exposed; her stomach is defined in a gracious way, her breasts, still covered by fabric, are perfectly shaped. I decide in this moment, that my most favorite part of her body is the delicate curve of her frame, going from her neck, passing by her strong shoulders and finishing along her hips.

I find myself grazing my hand along her side, feeling the softness of her skin against the palm of my hand and she smiles that cocky grin that pulls up only one side of her mouth. I catch her smirk between my lips, but with a hand on my shoulder, she pushes me back down, our lips clashing as the other other makes the journey down my torso. Without hesitation, she releases the button of my trousers and slides a confident hand inside my panties. My hips rise to meet her, but Cosima doesn't allow them to linger for more than a soft brush, pulling her hand away. I have half a mind to protest, but I feel her laugh against my lips and put that idea aside; I'll not give her that pleasure again.

Instead, I bite her lower lip a little rougher than I should and now it's her turn to moan. My action adds energy to her movements and she quickly rises again, divesting me of the rest of my clothes. Her eyes rake over my body, and although this is when I usually become self conscious, wanting to cover my body, it doesn't happen this time. I enjoy the sight of her watching me with such intensity in her eyes, licking her lips.

Cosima's head lifts to find me watching her. "I'm gonna take my clothes off, okay?" I know she's afraid I'm going to bolt once I see her naked, although I really don't know why.

I laugh softly. "You better!" She smiles, a wide, genuine smile, like I just gave her the best gift ever.

She hurriedly rids herself of her underwear and my eyes fixate on her chest. They shouldn't, but what did I expect, really? I gaze at them, fascinated by the curvy shape.

She catches me staring. "You can touch them, you know." Her obvious doubt is a foreign emotion for her and now I'm afraid that she'll be the one to stop this before we can get started.

I sit up and pull her tightly against me. "It's okay, Cosima. I want this!" I whisper in her ear. To convince her of my sincerity, my hands cover her breasts with a soft squeeze, my thumbs rolling over her nipples as they stiffen against my touch.

My words produce the desired effect and I feel the tension in her muscles release. Cosima leans her body into my touch and her lips find mine. Her hand snakes between us, but stops just below my bellybutton, fingers teasing me, moving in slow circles until she applies some pressure to ease me back once again. I move to the center of the bed, and she follows.

Her eyes never leave mine as her hand presses down and I can't stop looking at her. Her teeth are lightly nibbling her lower lip when her fingers first enter my slick folds. The feeling makes my entire body hum, but I force my eyes to stay open; I want to see her. I want to watch her eyes grow wider and darker as the morning sun drapes over them. I want to see the shadows shift on her torso as she moves into a better position.

Two fingers gently stroke just above my clit while her other hand is softly playing with my breast, occasionally pinching the nipple between her fingers. My body is moving beneath her touch and she's playing me as she will. I lay at her mercy, slowly losing my patience with her tortuous teasing. "Cosima..." I begin, but just as her name falls from my lips, a single finger slides inside.

That's the moment I close my eyes. My head falls back and my torso arches, leaving the mattress. Cosima's left hand is no longer on my breast and I feel her lips journey up my neck, while her right hand moves again to the previous position. "Say my name again." Her request is a whisper in my ear, and I can do nothing but comply. At this point I'm pretty sure I will do anything she asks. "Cosi..." Her name is cut short as she pushes two fingers inside and curls them. So her request is not fulfilled because I have to moan deeply and I swear she's smirking against my neck. My hands, which have been resting lightly on her back, glide up to her neck and pull her mouth to mine. I'm biting her lip, none too gently, while my legs slide up the back of her thighs, crushing her to me to make sure she doesn't try that trick again.

She doesn't, and her fingers work diligently, gliding in and out of me, circling when she feels like it and curling just enough to leave me panting heavily, moans escaping my mouth when I can't swallow them down. Her left hand is supporting her upper weight, pressed hard against the mattress, while her lips keep softly lavishing my upper torso with long and wet kisses, her breathing becoming shallower. My own hands are gripping her shoulder blades, nails digging roughly into her soft, olive skin. I feel her hips pushing against me, pressing against her own hand. I grind harder, wanting her to know that she can increase the tempo; I need her to, I want more of her.

"Getting impatient?" Cosima's voice is a soft murmur that glides over my lips. "Now you know how I've felt all this time!"

For a terrifying moment, as she lifts her body and my hands can no longer get to her, I fear she's going to leave me wanting. Perhaps to pay for the way I dealt with all this; that her reappearance was temporary, like she wanted me to know what I could've had and let it go. Thankfully, she only shifts to speed the pace. I look at her and her expression is all hunger with just a bit of tenderness. Her fingers are going deeper and I rise from the bed with the help of my elbows. My hips push faster, harder against her hand and I feel a bead of sweat rolling down my spine. My heart is pounding, my entire body is burning, I'm breathing heavily, struggling to get air in my lungs.

Her thumb rubs my clit and my hips jerk, pushing even deeper onto her fingers and I lose what little control I had over my own body. It's all Cosima, she's the one in control. She knows, and she wants me to know this. She eases her fingers from inside me and slides them up, finding my clit, teasing and caressing with electrifying touches. Her left hand moves from the side of my neck and slides down my front, one brief stop on my breast before continuing the slow journey south.

There's a knot trapped below my bellybutton that just won't loosen, and the pit of my stomach is heating up. I feel every nerve from my thighs to the end of my toes tense, screaming for some sort of release. Cosima knows I'm close, and her free arm wraps around my waist and pulls our bodies together. Her lips gently travel along my neck and move to my ear, in contrast with her fingers pushing deep inside.

"Just let it go, Delphine." Cosima's voice is breathy against my ear. Her words dropping straight to my core.

The orgasm hits me by surprise as Cosima pushes two fingers back in with one swift move and curls them, her thumb working a little higher. It's like a thunderbolt that ripples inside me, fast and bright, born in my center and flashing through my entire body. I ride her fingers, buried inside me with uncoordinated hips, groaning a sharp "merde" against the skin of her shoulder that I bite as she shivers, probably from the harsh pain.

When I have nothing left, I fall heavily on the bed, all my energy spent, pulling Cosima down with me.

I lay unmoving, eyes closed, and I feel her chin on my chest and I know she is looking at me as she says between deep breaths. "We really shouldn't have done this."

"No, we shouldn't have." I have to laugh. It's hard to take the statement seriously when Cosima has yet to remove her fingers from inside me, where they continue to lazily undulate.

After a few more strokes, she gently slides them out and I am immediately bereft at the loss. She chuckles quietly and adjusts her position to get more comfortable. My arms still surround her small frame, my thumb caressing her soft skin absently. Cosima's own arms have moved up and she casually plays with some soft curls, now straighter with moisture. We're quiet for a while, catching our breaths.

I feel a laugh bubbling up her chest and when I look down with raised eyebrows Cosima tries in vain to contain it. "I can't believe you called me a pussy." She explains the origin of her laughter.

I chuckle. "I know... I sorry." I say with abandon.

"No, you're not."

"No, I'm not."


	36. Latch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  Hey :) I know it has been a while but I took an unreasonable amount of time writing this chapter, but I have a good excuse. I just wanted this to be perfect :D And while I think perfection is an unattainable goal, this is ax far ax I could get and still I'm sure it's not even close.
> 
> That said, I hope you still like it.

As the moments pass, I feel Cosima's body relaxing on top of me, our legs a tangle of limbs, and all that I can think of is how  _right_  this feels. How I never want to let go, how I desire to have the ability to freeze time and stop the world from spinning. Cosima takes a shaky breath and I wonder what's on her mind, if she feels the same way or if she's just being  _polite_  and simply enduring this moment of peace for the sake of not leaving my bed immediately.

I open my mouth to say something, anything, but I'm not able to voice my concerns. As much as I don't want to think about it, my mind is screaming at me:  _You_ _'_ _re scared! You_ _'_ _re scared that your fears will be confirmed the moment the silence is broken!_  My heart starts to race with the possibility of losing her, that as soon as I let her go, she will walk away from this and never look back. Unconsciously my arms tighten around Cosima's torso and I pull her closer until I can almost will myself to believe she'll never step away, that this is how it's going to be from now on. That this was the solution to all our problems, our misunderstandings, our incredibly inability to communicate with each other unless is through hurtful words or lustful kisses.

However, I know better than that. Even as I feel Cosima's body easily melt into mine, not pulling away like my tight embrace is unwelcome, but instead returning it with equal fervor, matching my eagerness. Now, more than ever, I'm aware that I have no idea what's on her mind, how she'll react the moment we have to face the consequences of our actions. And we will have to. It doesn't matter if it's something that neither of us want to do. There will come a moment when we'll be forced to evaluate what has happened; if not by ourselves, at least by everything and everyone around us.

"Cosima…" I start, although I don't really know what I'll say. But I don't have time for it to consume me.

"Not yet!" She says, her voice soft but determined. And it's Cosima who's squeezing my ribs to the point that becomes hard for me to pull air into my lungs.

_Not yet what?_  I want to ask her. It would be a way for me to begin to understand her if… if… if she let me in? If Cosima resists the sweet comfort that lies can often bring? If I'm prepared to hear all possible answers to the many questions that suddenly surface in my mind? I'm not, of course. I don't think I'll ever be. But at least for now I have a good excuse to ignore it.

I kiss the top of her head, brushing my fingers over the coarse dreads that are spread along my upper torso, the loose knot she tied earlier didn't last long. "Okay…" I whisper in a hoarse voice.

Cosima kisses the top of my shoulder gently and turns around, but stays on top of me, her back pressed against my torso. My hands move to her stomach and the random patterns I was tracing on her back are reproduced on her belly, until she captures my hands with her own and brings it to her lips, planting a soft kiss on each finger. It's not until then that I notice the rings absent from her fingers and look at my nightstand seeing the three rings she had next to her glasses.  _When did she remove them?_

There was so much I was unaware of, the entire experience as a whole is seared on my mind, but the little details are starting to get fuzzy. The way it felt to have her lips brush my ear as she coaxed every drop of pleasure from my body. How amazing it was to have Cosima respond to my every move like she could read my mind, like she knew what I wanted even before I knew it myself.

The idea that soon this would be no more than a memory breaks my heart. I release my hand from her grasp and bring it to her cheek, pulling her head up while lower my own and immediately bring our lips together, kissing her methodically in a futile attempt to be sure that I'll always remember exactly how it feels; not because I would be able to describe it with words, but how it really  _feels_. I want to be able to feel her lips moving softly against mine every time I remember this moment. My free arm encircles her waist, my fingers splayed over her hipbone, brushing lightly. Cosima's arm reaches up, her fingers tangling in my hair, not too hard, but firmly I feel her pull me to her.

"Delphine…" She groans when we part momentarily for air. The tone of her voice is dangerously laced with desire and her hips thrust downwards as my hand curls around it tensely.

Cosima's body is moving over mine and it suddenly occurs to me that, while I was thoroughly satisfied, Cosima's own cravings were left unattended. She must be feeling uncomfortable to say the least and, although I really don't know what to do, I know I need to do something. I let go of her hip and slid my hand along the expanse of skin of her abdomen, when I reach the center my hand stops.

I'm trying to be smooth, but the nerves are getting the best of me and I can feel my hand tremble. All I can do is hope Cosima doesn't feel the hesitation of my movements. But of course she does. If the fact that she held her breath for a few seconds weren't enough proof, her hand covering my own sure does. And now she's turning back around, her hand supporting her weight as Cosima's body loses contact with mine for the first time since we reached my bed.

"It's okay Delphine." She says softly against my lips, giving a quick brush, before she leaves my bed.

I watch her walk out of my bedroom, not bothering to put on any clothes. Why would she anyway? We're alone, and it's not like it's something I've not seen. Yet, the unfettered way she's moving around leaves me off balance. She's the first lover I've had that felt that free the first time we had sex. She's comfortable in her own body, her legs carrying her lightly to the bathroom and I see her close the door from where I'm lying. I resist the temptation to put some clothes on myself, don't even think about putting the bedsheets over my body. I don't want her to think I'm feeling self-conscious, although, at some level, I am. And it's not that I don't feel comfortable with her around, it's just the way I've always acted before. And I stupidly wonder how much of that is imposed by society:  _the rules of acceptable behavior_. I snort at the idea. Why should I even care? I'm blissfully alone with Cosima in my house, after sharing my bed with her.

Whatever she was doing, it didn't take long and she's already leaving the bathroom and stops, leaning on the frame of my bedroom door, her eyes gazing my body with unabashed attention. But I can see the wheels turning, there's definitely something on her mind. After a few failed attempts, Cosima finally seems to gather the courage to speak.

"You want to talk about it." It's an affirmation. One that she's clearly not pleased to voice.

I swallow all my previous doubts, at least for the time being. "I want you to get back in bed." I say with equal determination.

She puts the entire weight back on her feet and gives a few steps in. "Delphine…" My name on her lips sounding like a warning filled with promises.

I extend my arm, inviting her closer. "Viens ici, Cosima…"

She smiles teasingly, her tongue poking between her teeth, as she crosses the room and takes my hand, which I yank playfully until she drops heavily on the bed with a giggle. "Just because you asked so nicely." She jokes, as she places her hand on my shoulder, encouraging me to lay down.

Instead, I pin her to the mattress. I want to take the opportunity to feel every curve, every swell, every shape of her body.

"Vraiment?" I ask, my lips brushing the top of her shoulder.

She smirks when our eyes meet again, at the same time I'm releasing her hands, which she keeps over her head. I'm not sure if she knows what's on my mind, but Cosima seems to be in the mood to entertain me. With my left arm supporting me, I move the back of my right hand to graze her cheek. As my lips follow, I feel Cosima's fingers go to the nape of my neck, and I pull away slowly, lest she reads my movement as rejection and hold her hand on my own.

"You really don't know how to stay still, do you?"

She arches her brows. "Do you want me to?"

I take an unreasonable amount of time thinking about it. "No." I finally decide. "I love the way you move." I add without thought, letting her hand go free.

Cosima laughs quietly. "Why?" Curiosity painting her expression.

"I don't know… I just do." I say. My lips descending to her neck and my hand moving even lower.

If she had any retort to make after that, it dies on her lips the moment my fingers graze the swell of her breast. For a few seconds she stops breathing again, but as I explore further I feel Cosima relax under my touch. I take the fullness of her breast into my hand and lower my mouth, spreading soft kisses along the swell, until I roll my tongue flat over her nipple; feeling it tighten with the attention.

Her back arches and she places a hand on the back of my head, holding me in place as she groans, her hips thrusting up, meeting nothing but air. I know that she needs me to do something, anything to ease her desire. And it's not that I'm not eager; I am. Perhaps too eager. That's the problem. However, right now, I'm determined to not make the same mistake. I will myself to go slow, to etch in my mind every little detail.

I pull my head away and Cosima releases the smallest of whimpers, but her hand slides to cup my cheek softly, her touch lightly caressing as our lips meet tenderly. I give her breast one last, gentle squeeze before I continue my perusal. Our eyes meet briefly before I let my gaze drop to where my hand is exploring, experimenting with delicate strokes of my fingertips. The muscles of her stomach quiver lightly, goosebumps appearing in the wake of my touch.

I'm amazed at how soft her skin feels, silky smooth, that I scratch lightly, receiving a melodious moan in return. Where I was used to finding hard angles and rough edges, I now find curved lines and gracious slopes. My hand smooths its way to her hip and she twitches once more. Her thumb under my chin forces my eyes up and I find her gaze heavy and full of longing. Cosima smiles wickedly as the same finger moves to my bottom lip and frees it from the lock my teeth had on it.

"So… What do you think?" She asks amused, her voice raspy.

A grin traces my lips. "I like it." I say, lowering my head to nip at her lower lip, my leg shifting between her thighs, but I keep our bodies from touching, supporting my weight with my arms on either side of her head. "Dis-moi qu'est tu aimes." I whisper next to her ear.

Cosima groans again as her body dances beneath me. "Now I know you're speaking French just to tease me." Both hands moving down to my waist and pulling.

"Tell me what you like." I allow a moment of brief sobriety, choosing my words carefully before I lower my hips and, with a moan, feel her wet center connect with the flushed skin of my thigh.

Cosima's body is spread beneath me, without reservations as she openly offers herself to me. Her hands move to my cheeks, keeping my curls from falling in front of my eyes. "Delphine, if you don't do something about it, I will." She states clearly, but with a slight tremble to her voice.

Her eyes find mine and I don't avoid the gaze. She's brazen in the way she expresses her need and I wouldn't ask for anything less. I don't want her to hide under the " _you don_ _'_ _t have to do this_ " or the " _I_ _'_ _m totally fine with only giving_ ", because as much as I know that if I asked, she would do it. I know that's not what she needs. I've never met anyone who would be completely satisfied in those circumstances. And more to the point, that's not what I want.

"Tell me, then." I say. I know my stare shows nothing of the nervousness I'm feeling in a small corner of myself, since it's my desire that overshadows everything else.

If Cosima can sense any of that nervousness she does not acknowledge it. I think she wants me to focus on the much larger part of me that wants nothing but to overcome it. Slowly she raises herself, staying almost in a seated position with me on my knees in front of her. She smiles softly, the teasing gone in the wake of the moment, as her hand which remained on my face moves to twist a loose curl around her fingers. Lifting her chin, Cosima's lips seek mine as I easily dip my head to link our mouths, meticulously moving over each other. Cosima's tongue is bold in its invasion and I don't even consider putting up any sort of defense. With the shifting, my knee presses into the warmest part of her body and feel her moan against my mouth, her hips rotating in search of a more satisfying contact.

My arm around her waist pulls her closer, making her gasp again, her hips undulating against my thigh, while my right hand cups her cheek, our lips soft on one another. It's not long before I'm moving with her, our bodies in unison, our chests brushing together, the friction provoking another wave of heat all over my skin. But it's different this time and it's the idea of taking what she has to offer that floods my mind. My kisses become more demanding, the longing in me turning them into a sloppy mess along her lips, her cheeks. I lick her jawline and reach her ear, my teeth nibble lightly the tip.

"Dis-moi!" My voice is nothing but a breathy whisper.

My hand on the back of her neck curls firmly and Cosima drops her head, her lips brush along my neck until she bites softly the top of my shoulder. The arm around her waist drags her even closer, my thigh becoming soaked with her arousal as I match the strokes of her hips. I drop my hand and cup her breast, fondling it greedily, carelessly, enjoying the feeling of her nipple hardening at my touch.

"Fuck, Delphine." Cosima gasps, her voice catching at every syllable.

Her hand covers my own, squeezing her chest none too gently, before she tentatively starts to guide it down, my touch never leaving her skin. She drags our hands down, her fingers covering mine and not letting go, making sure my hand is in full contact with her warm flesh. She hesitates and looks me in the eyes, seeking confirmation that this is what I want, that she's not crossing a line.

I bring our foreheads together. "Laissez-moi." I say as my left hand catches the wrist of the one still over mine and lace our fingers together.

I complete the journey on my own and I don't even need to touch her to feel the radiating heat. But when I finally do, when, after a shallow breath, I slide a single finger between her folds and find her slick and swollen, so hot that if I didn't know any better I would believe Cosima was on fire, my eyes roll to the back of my head and I moan deeply.

Cosima wraps her arms around my neck, her hips rolling at the feeling of my fingers as I experiment with soft touches. My finger finds her clit and I graze it gently and she propels forward and I feel her taking a sharp breath against the skin of my neck. A pleased smirk on my lips as the notion that I'm the one responsible for this reaches my intoxicated mind, followed by a coil on the apex of my thighs.

I lean forward, my longer frame allowing me to easily lay her back and press her into the mattress, while she offers no resistance. My fingers grow bolder and more audacious on their strokes, but I avoid directly stimulating her clit. Something tells me that it would be too much and Cosima wouldn't last much longer if I did it, not with the amount of wetness collecting on my hand. The thought makes me smile impishly again and this time she catches it and returns a grin of her own while her hands pull my head down.

Our lips meet, but she moves her mouth to my ear. "You're so fucking sexy when you're focused on something."

I moan at the sound of her raspy voice, my tongue strokes along her neck and instinctively two of my fingers slide easily inside. An entirely different type of heat envelops me the moment I feel her, soft and liquid hot and I can't help a thrust of my hips. Cosima rolls her hips to meet my touch, her back arching slightly and a sharp "fuck" drops from her lips.

I stop, but leave my fingers inside her warm walls. "Is this okay?" I ask lowly in a rough voice, suddenly preoccupied that maybe I should've asked before.

"Oh God, yes!" She groans and nods eagerly, licking her lips while her arms wrap around my neck. "Just don't stop."

This time my smile is deliberately wicked and I press my forehead against hers, whispering. "It didn't even cross my mind." And I give a slow, but deeply languid stroke, feeling molten walls tighten around my fingers.

It's a sensory overload; Cosima's low moans reaching my ear and her breathing brushing sharply against the burning skin of my neck and shoulder. Her intoxicating scent invades my nostrils and with every graze of my lips on her skin I taste the sweetness of her along with the saltiness. My strokes grow more feverish into her and the little restraint I had vanishes. It's as if she keeps pulling me into her, drowning myself in her, deeper and deeper, with every thrust of my digits the walls around them contract harder, as if she doesn't want me to pull back. Cosima wraps her legs around my thighs and, with the heels of her feet locked around me, encourages me to move faster, her hips crashing against my hand.

I open my eyes and look down at her and it's like she can sense my stare, raising her head just enough for our lips to meet softly. With a pang in my heart, this is the moment I realize that I'm in too deep. The sudden notion that someone else can have her in this way is unbearable.

This thought, instead of slowing my actions, gives a new energy to my tiring limbs. I push harder into her, going knuckle deep with the help of my thigh pressed against my hand, quickening my pace. Cosima quickly matches my rhythm and when I pull out to bring my fingers to her clit, without much warning starting to brush it with intent her, hands leave my neck and scratch their way along my back. I shiver and plunge back into her, her hips raising, with the soles of her feet flat on the mattress, making the movement that much faster.

I feel Cosima's fingers gripping the supple flesh of my ass and pulling me down at such a maddening pace that I struggle to keep up. I don't slow down; not when I can feel her getting closer, her walls squeezing my fingers inside her, a glorious sheen of sweat on her skin, her mouth agape searching for air, her moans increasingly louder.

There's a dark corner of my mind that tells me that I have to prove myself to her, that I need to show her that she doesn't need anything else… anyone else. That I'm enough for her, that she can go without anyone else's touch but my own. I wish I could say that I'm strong enough to ignore that idea, that that's not what drives me to keep up with her fast thrusts, but I would be lying.

And I'm right back at the beginning, when Cosima pushed all my buttons and I fought to hold my own. However this once I have an edge and an instinct to take full advantage of it. In my next thrust I make my thumb roll along her center and press her clit when I find it.

"Fuck, babe…" Cosima's voice hoarse on my neck. Her hands keep me from moving back up and I feel the arousal around my fingers grow.

Still I manage to pull out and in one last time, her clit being vigorously attended to. "Mon nom…" I swallow fast, panting along with her. "Say my name!" The same request she has made before comes to my lips, but I know that my intentions are much deeper than to tease her, that it comes from a darker place that I have no power to ignore.

Cosima's hips slam against my hand erratically, her head thrown back but I can still see the wave of pleasure crossing her features as she tumbles to the other side. There's nothing quite like it. I marvel at the sudden peace that appears on her expression, as a gentle smile graces her lips.

I let her have her moment, but already feel a heavy cloud forming over me. When I carefully remove my fingers Cosima opens her eyes and I see the glee fast disappearing, maybe she can sense the abrupt change in my mood.

"Mmmm... Delphine." She mumbles, her hands reaching my cheeks and pulling our foreheads together.

I meet her stare and she offers me a soft smile. For a moment I think Cosima will say something else, but she shakes her head slightly before she raises her lips to plant a gentle peck on my lips and hides her face on the curve of my neck. My arms can no longer support me and I let myself fall softly over her, slowly sliding lower until I can rest my head on her shoulder, feeling Cosima's fingers lightly massage my scalp, making me sigh and leisurely drift into a calmer state of mind.

In no time I'm fighting to keep my eyes open. Cosima's tender touch on my head while the fingers of her other hand roll up and down my spine has me completely at ease. The realization that it doesn't take much for Cosima to calm me gives me a brief pause before I let the seductive pull of sleep take over me.

"Oh fuck!" Cosima's explicative is not loud, but it's enough to make me open my eyes. "We are so late!" She explains, but there's a lack of urgency in her words.

I lazily look at my bedside clock and see that she is absolutely correct. We were due in the lab 15 minutes ago.

"Merde! I have that meeting, I can't be late." I say, but make no move to get out of bed, I just turn my eyes away from the clock.

My head shakes along with Cosima's torso as she chuckles. "We're already late." She says, her hands not stopping on their slow caress.

"I know…" I mutter, still unmoving.

"Yes… We could've chosen a better day for this."

"I don't think there was much choice involved." I comment low without thinking and she hums in response. "You know we have to talk about this, right?" I finally gather the courage to say, after a few minutes of silence.

Her hands pause over my skin and I feel her take a deep breath, but she remains quiet. I raise my head and look at her and, while she doesn't avert her eyes, I sense something in her demeanor change, her gaze loses the softness it held since she approached me in the living room. I raise one of my hands to her face and stroke her cheek.

"Lets not fight, Cosima." I say quietly and I see her expression relax a bit. "Lets try this new thing where we can actually have a conversation." She smiles and moves her face to kiss the fingers which are brushing her cheek. "Can we try that?"

Cosima nods slowly. "Yes, lets try that."

She raises her head and we seal our promise with a kiss.


	37. Reality Is a Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about taking so long, but I needed a couple of weeks off. Hopefully, from now on the updates will become more regular again.
> 
> Once more thanks to Cophine for an amazing job.

After a few more minutes of lazy contemplation, I leave Cosima stretching herself out across my bed with a pleasant groan and a smile on her lips. I stumble into the bathroom and start the shower, the notion of being late finally sinking in. When I'm finished, Cosima's already waiting with sleepy eyes, and without a word, enters as soon as I'm clear. I chuckle quietly and shake my head; my mind swirling with the thought that she feels comfortable enough to assume such liberties without restraint. As I move through the house, putting the sheets in the wash and trying to return some order, I can't help but reflect that this would have unnerved me with previous relationships. For whatever reason, Cosima's presence has not stoked my natural predisposition to be territorial. In fact, the opposite seems to have occurred. I find solace in it; in having her moving about with casual ease; in hearing her hum a song in the shower, where she is no doubt using my body wash judging by the scent that floats through the air. That feeling only intensifies when I return to use the mirror and a smile graces my lips as I walk in on her using my eyeliner.

"I have a question." I say, turning to watch her in the mirror.

She stops for a moment to look at me. "Shoot!"

I dash to the bedroom and return with her glasses in hand. "How can you see what you're doing without these?" I ask, placing her glasses on my nose.

"Years of experience." She answers as she chuckles and shifts to stand in front of me. "You look very cute with those on." Her voice takes on a teasing note.

I arch a brow and turn to face the mirror. "You think so?" I ask, squinting to try to see through her glasses.

She laughs again. "Yes, really." She rises to the tip of her toes and removes the glasses before she gives me a small kiss.

As she pulls away, I follow to pull her in for a deeper kiss, my hands searching the soft skin at her lower back beneath her shirt. I feel her body pressing closer as she pushes me against the vanity with a muffled groan, and against my every instinct, my hands move to her hips to push her back, hearing frustration in response.

"We're late." I say, giving her one last soft kiss and reluctantly move away from her, reaching for hairbrush. "Missing lab is one thing. Missing my meeting with Dr. Ford is quite another."

"Do you know what you're gonna say?" Cosima asks, her attention divided between me and what she's doing.

"It really depends on what she says." I answer, eyeing her carefully. "If she agrees with you, that I'm ready to work alone, then I can't really deny it, can I?"

She shrugs slightly. "I guess not."

And that's all Cosima says. She doesn't try to dissuade me from accepting the eventual offer, but she doesn't encourage it either. It leaves me not really sure of what she wants, but I can't dwell on it. This should be my decision. Not hers or anyone else's. In fact, I'm sure that I've made up mind: if Dr. Ford believes I'm prepared to work on my own, I'll accept it. There's no other option, even if it means giving up the time with Cosima in the lab. I'll...we'll?...have figure out how to handle it.

We walk side-by-side towards the campus, exchanging few words, our hands occasionally brushing. Cosima seems to be a little lost inside her own mind, perhaps also thinking about what this will mean for her. I wonder if she's thinking that this will mean that we'll stop seeing each other all together, like she initially intended. I wonder if that will please her; that in spite of what's happened between us, it's what she still wants. Or if her desire to stay away from me has changed; if she's now regretting putting me - us? - in this position.

But mostly I wonder if it would actually be enough for us to stop seeing each other, is that really all that's keeping us close. If Dr. Ford confirms Cosima's request, will it really mean that all our ties are severed? I want to think otherwise, but as I examine our history, I realize that we don't have the best of track record. It never took much for us to decide to stay away, either in a moment of unbearable frustration or in a burst of anger.

Whether that has changed in the few hours we spent discovering each other's bodies and rediscovering our mutual attraction is yet to be seen. But the fact that our  _irreversible_  decisions never lasted long gives me hope that, no matter what, we will find our way to each other.

Cosima opens the door to the lab, and if either of us thought we would get away with our absence, that thought disappears the moment we enter. We come face to face with Dr. Ford looking anything but pleased...her stare capable of drilling holes; her jaw muscles twitching in anger.

"Where have you two been?" She asks no one in particular.

Cosima and I look at each other and if my expression is anything like hers, the guilt is written all over our faces. I look away from her and swallowing thickly, try to muster something resembling an excuse, but nothing comes out. Cosima, next to me, also answers with nothing but silence. Dr. Ford waits for some sort of explanation, her arms crossed over her chest and her expression only getting more serious. When she realizes that neither of us will provide her with an answer, Dr. Ford uncrosses her arms.

"Don't tell me that Cosima's proneness to being late has rubbed off on you?" She asks me.

Next to me, Cosima stifles a laugh and I resist the urge to punch her on the arm. Despite that, it's Cosima who attempts a believable answer. "We were discussing our projects and lost track of time."

The suspicious look the professor offers proves that she's not buying it. "Grab your notes Delphine!" She then says, clearly not in mood to waste any more time, as she moves quickly towards the door.

I fumble to grab my notes, Cosima mouthing a  _sorry_ , as she gives me a gentle squeeze on the elbow while I pass by her, the notebook secure in my hand. I discreetly shake my head in a sign for her not to worry. I join Dr. Ford at the door, but she looks back and raises her brow in Cosima's direction.

"What are you waiting for?" She says, not bothering to hide her annoyance. "Don't you think I have waited long enough already?"

The brunette's confused gaze travels between me and the older woman's before she quickly joins us.

The three of us are silent during the short walk to Dr. Ford's office. Once there, Cosima and I sit next to each other, while she shuffles through my notes. When the professor's not looking, we exchange wary looks, neither of us understanding what this means.

"Cosima could learn how to keep records from you." Dr. Ford says, closing my notes and placing them on the table in front of me.

"Different methods." I say low, feeling Cosima's stare on me.

"Cosima has no method." Dr. Ford says flatly. "And that's concerning. She has ideas, yes, but she fails when it comes to the practical application."

I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. While I have no idea how Cosima works, I don't think it's right to discuss it when she's sitting next to me. Cosima herself remains quiet, but I hear her breathing fastening.

"Your ideas are not particularly innovating, but you're much more a hands-on approach kind of person." Dr. Ford continues, her stare falling on me this time around. "So you see… I have a problem."

"Just because my first attempt has failed, it doesn't mean that I can't do it." Cosima defends herself after taking a deep breath. "How many people can say that their first trial was successful?"

The professor places her right index finger on her chin, like she's thinking carefully about what Cosima said. "While I don't disagree with you, in order for me to believe that you can accomplish what you proposed in our first meeting, I still think that it's essential for you to show up regularly." She says with resolve, and I get the feeling that this is not the first time Cosima's absences have been an issue. "When you fail to go to the lab several days straight… Well, that concerns me."

I sense Cosima flinch at the words and I'm compelled to intervene. "Today was really my fault, we just started to talk and…"

A movement of Dr. Ford's hands stops me. "Please, Delphine! Even if I did believe that you were  _talking_ , this is not new. Cosima's presence in the lab has been erratic, at best.

"Now, I don't like to be overly controlling of the students under my care. To me, for someone to be successful they should want it more than I want it for them." She clasps her hands together, Cosima and I keeping our mouths shut. "But I don't feel comfortable seeing someone sabotage their own career while I stand idly by."

Dr. Ford stops then, her eyes fixed on Cosima, perhaps expecting some sort of reaction for her. I risk a glance at Cosima, she has her head down, spinning one of the rings in her fingers, and realize the professor's words have achieved their purpose. In a weird turn of events, Cosima is the one hearing a lecture and I'm left feeling like the voyeur in a moment of weakness.

I don't know how Cosima felt the few times she was in the position I am now, but it's hard to stay here and hear this without saying a word of comfort. However, I know nothing that will make this easier for her. In fact, my saying anything at all could possibly make this situation worse for her. So I sit, silent, and like Dr. Ford, wait for Cosima to say something.

She remains silent; staring at her hands.

Dr. Ford sighs. "Give me the key!" She says, extending her hand.

Cosima's expression is a mix of confusion and fear as she fumbles in her bag for the keycard. I notice her shoulders sinking as she slides the card across towards the professor. Dr. Ford doesn't pick up the key. Instead, she slides the card until it rests in front of me, next to my notebook.

"So, here's what we're going to do." She continues, reclining in the chair. "Delphine will  _not_ be alone in the lab, but she'll be the one in charge."

My eyes move from the key to the woman sitting in front of us. From all the scenarios I've played in my head of how this meeting would go, this particular one was definitely not among them. I don't even have the courage to look at Cosima, fully aware that she's won't be satisfied with this new arrangement. "I really don't think..."

"Oh, but you will!" Dr. Ford cuts me off. "I expect you to be a little more responsible than your predecessor." There's a hint of weird amusement dancing in her eyes. "Also, I will be assuming the role of your advisor."

"But Dr. Coleman..." I start.

"I'll take care of lovely Dr. Coleman!" And now I know I'm not wrong when I register a dark pleasure in her words. "He might have had his way the first time, but I've been waiting for a good reason to give it another try."

When we are far enough from Dr. Ford's office for me to breath freely again, I finally allow my eyes to go to Cosima. She's hardly spoken since the professor dropped her bomb and hasn't said a word since we left the office.

"I think Dr. Ford was a tyrant in a previous life." I try to lighten the mood, but her eyes don't meet mine.

We continue to the lab, where we don't waste time checking our work. Cosima's silence is starting to get on my nerves, but I respond the same way. Something tells me that she's not ready for a conversation, so I let her process the recent revelations.

I finish before she does and wait, leaning against my workstation, arms crossed. Nibbling my lower lip, I watch her work, her eyes steady on what she's doing, hands flying over the table, apparently focused in her work. However, the feeling that Cosima is more upset about this than she's letting on never leaves my mind.

After a few more minutes I see her putting her project in the fridge and I gather my things. Walking towards the door, I wait for her to join me, which she does, but avoids my stare and doesn't wait for me to close the door before she starts to move in the exit's direction.

I struggle to keep up with her and when we're close to the building's main door, I softly grab a hold of her wrist. "Are you alright?" I ask when she doesn't pull her hand away.

She spins on the balls of her feet and finally meets my gaze. "I'm really happy for you." Cosima says flatly and tries to free her arm.

I frown and swallow the sudden irritation bubbling in my chest. "Oh no, you don't!" I let her arm go, but move in front of her. "You will not blame this on me! No matter what you say, I'm not at fault here."

Closing her eyes briefly, Cosima takes a deep breath. "I know that. I'm just upset." She says and restarts to walk, but slower this time.

I follow her outside and realize how late it is; the sun is setting and the air already smelling of night. "Good, because I think I've already paid my dues and then some." I say casually.

She turns around abruptly, her dreadlocks whipping her checks, to stand in front of me, her eyes sparkling. "Are we keeping a tally here? Is that how's it gonna be?"

I breathe out in frustration and pass the hand over my hair. "God no, Cosima! I just meant…"

"I know what you meant. Don't fucking patronize me!"

"I'm not  _fucking patronizing you_ , but… merde!" I almost shout in my exasperation. "We're doing it again, aren't we?"

Cosima looks at me with surprise and when she realizes what I'm talking about, her expression softens and gives a little chuckle. "I don't suppose it would be a good solution if we just kiss and make up, would it?"

She's giving me one of her cocky grins again, but I hardly notice it; my full attention fixed on the parking lot. "I think that would be a terrible idea, actually." I say, my eyes going back to her just in time to see her smile fade.

"That bad?" She asks confused.

"Your girlfriend is here." I point my chin in Kate's direction, trying but failing to not sound too bitter.

"Fuck!" She mumbles under her breath and turns her head around.

After a guarded wave, she looks at me again and bewilderment flashes in her eyes before she lowers her head.

I fight the instinct to cradle her face and make her look at me; just a chance to at least try to read what's going inside that head of hers. "You should go." I say instead, in an unstable voice.

"I can call you later." Cosima offers with dubious conviction, a lopsided grin that doesn't reach her eyes, as if she's suggesting some sort of compromise.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I say and walk away before my heart convinces my body to do something that I might regret later.


	38. Turbulent Waters

"So… have a nice fuck?" It's how I'm greeted by my roommate as I open the door and enter our apartment.

"Quoi?" I ask confused, while struggling to close the door and maintain my grip on the grocery bags that I collected on the way home.

Olivia remains on the couch, but spins her head to look at me. "Oh no! Don't  _quoi_ me!" She jokes. "You've left too many clues to be able to get away with it."

I'm frozen looking at her from the doorstep, the bags heavy in my arms. Olivia gets up to relieve me of a portion of them and walks in direction of the kitchen. I follow her silently. Once there, she sets the groceries on the counter, picks up the baguette, and aims it at me.

"See!" She says, a smile pulling at her lips. "I don't recall the very French bread from this morning. Plus, in four years living together is the first time you've left your bed unmade."

I don't know why I even start to consider finding another explanation, but I do. At least until I realize that it's useless. Is not like I could fool my friend and even if I could, what would that accomplish? And why should I want to keep the truth from her? So, I remain silent and start to put the groceries away.

"Delphine." Olivia softly demands my attention when she notices that I won't say anything.

I stop what I'm doing and stare at her for a long moment, my lower back against the counter. But soon I'm lowering my head and crossing the arms over my chest.

"Don't tell me that, after all that shit, you didn't like it." My roommate seems to misinterpret my reaction.

"I think the problem is exactly the opposite." I say, letting my arms hang along my sides and look at Olivia.

She snorts. "How is that a problem?"

I turn back around and open a drawer, removing a knife from it and with a sharp blow, slice an end of the baguette. Next I move to the fridge and take the butter out, which I spread on the bread.

"Is it because of Kate?" This time my roommate gets it right.

"What else?" I comment before taking a generous bite.

"They're still together." Olivia says, following my example and starting to prepare a snack of her own.

"One would be tempted to assume." I say bitterly. "Since that's the reason Cosima came over in the first place."

Olivia swallows fast what she has in her mouth. "Wow… whoa… Hold on!" She's waving her hands energetically. "What do you mean? That's why she came over?"

"Exactly that!" I put the butter back in the fridge and take some milk out in the process. "Cosima came here to say that she wants to make things work with Kate." I fill two glasses and return the milk to the fridge. "Ipsis verbis."

Olivia opens her mouth but says nothing, putting a thoughtful expression instead. After a big gulp of the milk she seems ready. "How did that conversation end up in your bed?"

"I don't know…" I shrug. "An incredible amount of stupidity, I think."

"Ohhh okay…" My friend twitches her lips and I can see she's trying to hide a laugh. "And Cosima's of the same same idea after… hmm… that happened?"  
I put what's left of the bread in my mouth and wash it down with the rest of the milk. "I don't know." I shrug again.

"You didn't talk about it!?" Olivia almost shouts her surprise.

I give a weak smile along with my weak defense. "Well… we did talk about talking about it."

"Ohhh… That's so much better." She says sarcastically, hot on my heels as I move to the living room.

I sit on the couch. "Kate was waiting for her. They left together."

"And you let her?" Olivia's voice maintains the loud volume.

"What?" I raise my voice as well. "What am I supposed to do? Make a scene and beg her not to go? I'm not gonna do that, Olivia!" I continue, finally finding some fire inside me. "Cosima needs to want it! She's the one who needs to make her move. I've made my intentions clear."

"Did you?" Olivia weirdly asks.

I huff and give her a  _are you shitting me?_ look.

My friend's eyes seem to ease. "I see your logic." She admits nodding, sounding much calmer. "But… did you tell her that's what you want? Did you ask her to leave Kate?"

"C'mon Olivia, you know I can't ask that of her." I answer quietly.

"Why not?" She raises her hands. "Isn't that what you want?"

My eyes drop to stare at my hands, wrapped around each other. "It is." I reply lowly. "But I shouldn't ask for it. It's Cosima's decision."

"Right!" Olivia says, finally sitting down next to me. "I get that. But you should tell her what you want… you know… for good measure. Allow her that knowledge as she considers what she wants."

I meet my best friend's gaze and, for the first time, give voice to my fears; let them loose upon the world. "What if she says no, Olivia? What if Cosima tells me that she won't leave Kate? What then?"

Olivia's eyes abandon mine and she drops her head while her shoulders sink in. In no time I'm mimicking her position. The realization that I've reached the point of no return weighing heavily on our shoulders.

In a freshly made bed, sleep doesn't come easy. The day's events pull constantly at my conscience. Memories of Cosima's touch on my skin mingle with fears of impending doom. Olivia is right, of course. I should tell Cosima that I have no intention of being a fling. More than that, I need to tell her that if she wants to have anything else with me, Kate needs to go… permanently. However, knowing what I need to do, doesn't make doing it any easier.

The connection I feel when I'm with Cosima - either this morning or any other time we're together - can't be one sided. It would be impossible, that much I know. I could feel the bond between us in the way she touched me; I still feel it every time she looks at me. Even when we are at our worst, there's always something there, something indescribable, but felt deeply, tugging at my soul. A comprehension beyond reason, unable to reach an explanation because logic has nothing to do with it.

Still, doubt fills my mind. Is what we have stronger than what she seems to share with Kate? Is our bond tighter? Is it enough for Cosima to abandon something she knows and, apparently, feels comfortable with?

Whatever it is they have must be incredibly powerful if Cosima didn't falter in getting back with Kate upon her return. Or was it like Olivia said? Was the fact that I pushed Cosima too hard in the past the main reason why she so easily fell back into Kate's arms? Am I ultimately responsible for this situation?

I'm not prone to self pity nor one to wallow in guilt. Perhaps that's why I refuse to accept that. I accept the way I dealt with Cosima from the start might have something to do with the fact that Kate so easily regained her place in the cocky girl's life. But it couldn't be just that. Not on its own. There must be something else there. I just wish I had the nerve to ask.

But let's be honest. I don't even have the guts to ask Cosima about us; although I'm apparently not alone in that particular issue. How am I going to ask her about Kate?

Even though both issues seem to be connected, that may not necessarily be true. The fact is, that for Cosima and I to move forward, the idea of Kate and her hold over Cosima must be understood and…dealt with. But I still believe that it's something Cosima needs to do on her own, that I shouldn't be the reason she leaves Kate. It must be something that she does for herself, a decision that should come from her for her own benefit.

After a night without sleep, I'm feeling exhausted and nowhere near a solution. The shower does very little to relax my mind, nor does the large a cup of coffee makes a dent in my splitting headache. I don't know how long I take to reach campus, since the notion of time evaporates, but when I pass through the door, I realize that I have an hour before my class and I decide to spend it in the library.

My class consists of two grueling hours listening to the professor going over a tiresome amount of powerpoint presentations. I don't know what Cosima's schedule looks like, but she's not in this class - lucky her - and the hours drag on. Fighting not only to pay attention and keep my eyes open, I jump when I see my fellow students packing their things and get up to leave.

The thirty minutes I have to kill, I spend them in the cafeteria staring out the window. The sky is gray; heavy clouds announcing a rain that won't fall. There's a cool breeze reminding us that summer can't last forever, and that soon enough we'll need to leave the house sheltered beneath our umbrellas.

Distracted, I lose track of time, and by the time I reach the lab, it's five minutes pass the hour. I'm surprised to not see Cosima, and it's only then that I remember the keycard in my purse. The new arrangement not a done deal in my mind.

It's almost twenty minutes later when I'm forced to leave my work to open the door for Cosima.

"Just because I have the key, it doesn't mean you get to arrive late." I quip lightly.

"Sorry, big boss!" Cosima doesn't notice my jovial tone and answers harshly, not giving me a straight stare.

"I was joking." I explain. "But that doesn't mean I'm not serious." My expression getting a bit more severe.

"What are you gonna do?" Cosima challenges. "Tell Dr. Ford to gain some more points?"

I breathe deeply. "Must I remind you that you're the one who created this situation?" I get back to my station and try to focus on what I was doing before. "I didn't ask for this."

"But you didn't do anything to stop it either." She rapidly replies.

"Why should I?" My eyes go back to her and I see her moving around, getting her things in order.

"I was trying to help you." Cosima says.

I laugh bitterly. "Oh c'mon, Cosima! You were trying many things, but helping me was not your primary motivation."

"Believe what you want." She slices her hands through the air, signaling the end of the discussion.

This time I concede, more because I don't want to get into a fight than because I agree with her. Although I know that I'm absolutely right this time, I'll let Cosima deal with this her own way. I won't push the subject again, but I won't let her have her way if she continues to act like this is my fault. However, today I'm too tired to be dragged into this. Truth is, had she caught me in a day I was feeling a little bit more human…

"I missed you." Her soft voice cuts into my thoughts.

I look at her with blinking eyes. "Are you kidding me?"

She raises her hands. "What? I did!"

"I can't believe you just said that after accusing me of undermining you." I clarify, even though I can't imagine why she thought I needed to.

"What does one thing have to do with the other?" Cosima asks, her brow raised.

"Seriously?!"

"What?"

"Because… you can't do that, Cosima!" I sigh loudly and raise my hands to tangle in my curls. "You can't piss me off one moment and the say something like that." I have no idea why my words compel her to smile.

"Why not?"

"It's confusing." I let out exasperated. "It leaves me wondering what it is that you want."

"You want to know what I want?" Cosima's voice is low and breathy, a tone that draws a light shiver down my spine as she slowly walks towards me.

"There are few things I want more." I answer without thinking, my eyes glued to her petite form as she stops in front of me.

Cosima chuckles. "And what do you want more?" She teases, her hands moving to rest on my hips.

I don't push her away, but I capture her hands with my own and make her look at me. "I mean it." I say when she meets my gaze. "You can't just expect me to let go of things this easily."

"Because I haven't." She deduces, her features closing slightly.

"No, Cosima. Because it's worthless." I raise my hand to her cheek and brush my knuckles on the smooth skin I find there. "Because it comes back to us."

Her lips are a thin line and she nods. "I see." Cosima mumbles. But she's taking a step back; proving the contrary.

I didn't say it for her to stay away; just the opposite. I meant for us to move closer; to end this vicious cycle we seem to be trapped in. How is it possible to feel this strong for someone and have so many communication problems?

"Do you really?" I push, my hands flying to her face so we can look eye to eye. "Do you truly understand what I'm saying? Don't you see that the words we say to each other - that we've already spoken - can never be taken back. That they forge us and affect how we relate to each other. They build us, you and me, as individuals and influence how we act around each other and others." I press on while her eyes never leave my face, her expression acquiring a solemn quality.

"Cosima, I just need you to understand that building upon harsh words makes for a longer, more difficult path." I keep going, pulling her face next to mine, as if the closeness could help her comprehend it better. "At least let us take that lesson from what has happened between us."

I feel tears of frustration and exhaustion sting my eyes that I try to swallow down, but it's useless. The emotional overload finally catches up with me, and I don't know if it's the ferocity of the last few days or if it's the culmination of everything that has happened in the last months. Either way, something inside me snaps, and I feel the weight of it crashing down on me.

Cosima surges forward and I feel her warm lips capturing the tears as they stream down my face, her comforting hands around my neck, pulling me towards her.

"I get it, Delphine." She whispers between gentle kisses on my cheeks, my lips, my eyelids, nothing is left untouched by her persistent lips. "It will be alright, I promise."

I shake my head slowly. "Don't make promises, Cosima, please."

Cosima doesn't ask why this time; she doesn't have to. As I look into her hot brown eyes, her expression says everything; that she completely understands the veracity of my plea. And while she doesn't say anything to ease my mind, she does pull me into a tight embrace.

I don't know how long we remain like this, I don't really care. Not when I feel soothing arms wrapped around me and every deep breath she pulls on the base of my neck.

From Cosima's workstation I hear a buzz coming and I know that our time together is over. With a shaky breath I shut my eyes forcefully, preparing for the inevitable parting. I loosen the grip I have on her, but Cosima only tightens our embrace, refusing to acknowledge the sound, she buries her face in my neck. Eventually the sound stops and a loaded silence grows between us.

She raises her head and meets my eyes. "I want to see you later." Cosima says, her right hand going to my face to tenderly caress my cheek.

"I have no intention to go anywhere tonight." I answer her with a tentative smile. "So you know where I'll be."

"Well… yeah." Her expression relaxes a little. "But will you open the door for me?"

It's not hard to grasp the innuendo behind her words. However, the fact that she isn't presumptuous in assuming that I will easily fall prey to her has me smiling wider. It's with the smile still on my lips that I brush them on hers.

"Mmm… that's a yes, right?" Cosima playfully asks.

Leaving the building I don't stop to look around, I quickly walk away, deliberately avoiding my eyes to wander to where I know Cosima has someone waiting for her. Someone I know will be spending time with her, talking and smiling, perhaps there will be some laughs, some kisses… and that's when I force my mind to stop.


	39. I Want You To Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know it has been a little longer (yet again…), but this time I have a really good excuse: this chapter is a bit big and it took me a while to write it. Either way, I hope you can forgive me for it.
> 
> I would also like to thank all of you who are determined to see an end to this story and keep reading even after the less than regular updates of late.
> 
> Finally, I want to thank my beta Cophine, for once more, doing such an amazing job in cleaning my mess :D

On my way home, a slight disquiet takes over me. Since I decided to admit to myself the way I feel about Cosima and, as a consequence, actively pursue her, I knew things would not be easy. But I'd hoped the progress I achieved with it would somehow supplant it; that the difficulties would pale in comparison to finally getting what I want. Except they don't, for the simple fact that, in reality, I  _don't_ have what I want, not yet.

I don't want to have to say a quick goodbye to Cosima, hidden in the shadows or have to steal moments with her just to see her in Kate's company, wondering what will the rest of her day be like. Lying to myself, keep my mind from thinking when it starts to guess, with a fair amount of certainty, what will happen between the two of them once I leave her.

What I want is for her not to have to ask permission to see me, or be afraid to ask it of her myself because I know that it's not completely up to her. I want us to leave together and go for coffee or spend some time in the library until it's time for dinner and have a silly discussion about whether to have pizza or a burger or decide if we'll have dinner in my place or hers.

In reality I don't want much, I don't think I'm being selfish or too demanding - I'm not aiming too high. Perhaps that's due to the fact that I have the clarity of mind to know that I can't have even the simplest of things with her or if, no matter which situation we were on, that is really all I want, I don't know.

Deciding to occupy my mind with something else other than Cosima, when I arrive home I immediately start my laptop and go over several articles I need to read. My concentration lasts for two and a half articles before I give in to exhaustion and close the computer to get some shut eye.

I'm in absolute darkness when Olivia wakes me by opening the door and turn on the light.

Blinking a few times to adjust to the brightness I notice she's not alone. "Hi." I simply say, getting to a sitting position on the couch.

"What's up?" Olivia greets, shrugging off her coat.

"Sorry for the invasion." Sylvia says, also removing her coat.

I smile easily at her. "You are most welcome. I appreciate to have someone to assist me with that one." I finish aiming my chin in my friend's direction.

"Hey! I'm right here!" Olivia protest, but the smile on her lips gives her away. I get up and move to light a cigarette. "I'm very aware of it."

"Dinner home?" I hear Olivia ask from her bedroom, to where she moved to change her clothes.

I look at Sylvia who's awkwardly still standing by the front door. I let my mind briefly wonder what in the world led someone as shy as her to be with someone like my extravagant roommate. Then I realize that it actually makes a lot of sense; they even each other out. Besides, a reasonable level of awkwardness towards me is understandable, since I literally did walk in on them.

"Sure." I answer loud, so Olivia can hear me from her bedroom, but give a soft smile to the girl who's in the living room.

My friend's curiosity lasts until the end of the meal; despite her glances my way during the entire dinner, she never asked me a thing, perhaps expecting me to open up on my own. However, when we're cleaning up after the meal - which Sylvia insisted on helping with - she finally breaks.

"How are things with Cosima? Did you get to talk?" She asks, midway storing the plates.

I stop what I'm doing and look at her. "A little." I say, nodding slightly. "But we have too many issues that need to be solved before I can say that we've cleared things up." Receiving another glass from Sylvia, who's cleaning them, I add. "She's suppose to come over later today."

Olivia chuckles and winks in the other girl's direction. "Is that your way to tell me you don't want us around?"

"I… no…" I stutter a bit. "I was just saying we might get to talk a little more later." My friend laughs openly.

"Right… talk… okay." She takes a deep breath so she can stop the fit of giggles. "Just… don't try to solve everything at once, okay? It can backfire."

"You think?" I stop again, raising a brow and looking straight at her.

"Actually, it depends on what you want." It's Sylvia who answers.

My gaze goes to her. "How so?"

"Okay… the way I see it, if you're happy with what you have now, I would avoid having any sort of conversation that could…antagonize her." She chooses her words carefully, maybe afraid that her thoughts won't be well received or perhaps conflicted about showing that she has information about my relationship with Cosima that I haven't provided; my roommate most likely responsible for it. But I'm so far gone that I really don't care, in fact, all help is welcomed at this point.

"And what if I'm not?" I ask her. "What if what I have now is not enough?"

"You're not gonna like this." Sylvia warns, but clears her voice to continue once I give her a small nod. "Then you need to clear this mess up, once and for all. The longer it goes on, the hardest will get with time.

"And there's also the possibility that Cosima may not want the same you do." She carries on, saying something that is so obvious but that Olivia and I never would acknowledge aloud. "Which means you're putting hopes on something that won't end well."

"I really don't think that's the case." Olivia offers, a thoughtful expression on her face. "Not after everything. I really believe Cosima wants more than… well."

"Still…" I say, putting the rest of the dishes away. "That was then. Now, with Kate involved… I don't know anymore."

Although I insist they don't have to get out just because Cosima is coming over, once dinner is cleared away, they prepare to leave, citing previous plans to go out. When Cosima rings the bell they're all set up to leave. I let Cosima in and after quick introductions, there's an awkward moment when Olivia steps close to Cosima and whispers something in her ear. Meanwhile, I'm left standing, giving a side glance at them and exchanging confused looks with Sylvia. When my friend is apparently done, she turns my way and waves goodbye with a quick wink and Cosima stares at me with a small smile.

"What did she say?" I ask her when we're alone.

"Nothing." Cosima shakes it off.

"It didn't look like nothing." I insist, but she doesn't seem to give it much importance. Instead, Cosima moves closer to me and surrounds my waist with both her arms. "Hi." She says softly, her stare meeting my eyes and her body pressed to mine.

I feel my expression softening. "Hi." I say back, lowering my lips to hers for a brief kiss.

"I brought you something." Cosima reveals with a wide grin once we part.

"Not a baguette, I hope." I say with an equally large smile, walking a few steps into the living room.

She laughs, taking her coat off. "No, not this time." Cosima takes her shoes off and moves them with a few well placed kicks next to mine by the door. She's obviously planning on staying a while. "I try to stay original."

"Okay…" I suspiciously eye her.

"I imagine you've already had dinner?" She asks, rummaging her large purse with her back to me.

"Yes…" I nod slowly, my gaze not leaving her small frame.

"Cool! Because this is one of my most favorite things in the world." She says, making a big deal of concealing what she brought. "But we need to have it now."

I get closer to her, the playfulness behind her actions spiking my interest. "Okay. You have my full attention." I say in a soft voice next to her ear.

Cosima quickly turns around and seems surprised to find me right behind her. She gives a throaty chuckle and goes to the tip of her toes to give me a gentle peck on the cheek, but then steps back to have some room to flourishingly announce. "La dessert."

I laugh, accepting what seems like a wrapped ice cream. "Eskimo pie." I read the label.

Cosima is fast in opening hers. "What are you waiting for? It's gonna melt!" She gives me a look.

While I eat mine calmly, Cosima enthusiastically bites into hers. It doesn't take long for her to devour it, but mine's still halfway through.

"You don't like it?" She asks, an undoubtedly astonished expression on her feature, as if such thing is impossible.

"I do." I assure her with a smile. "But I'm trying to avoid brain freeze."

"That's the best part, Delphine!" She says, getting closer to me on the couch, where we sat. "You're doing it wrong."

The smile seems to be glued on my lips, my cheeks aching a little. "I didn't know there were rules to eat ice cream."

"There are to this one." She says in a severe tone, but it quickly fades. Cosima has that mischievous grin that always manages to disarm me and I know she's up to no good. However, nothing could prepare me to what she does next.

She abruptly straddles my lap and I extend my arm out, instinctively protecting my ice cream. My other arm, seemingly controlled by the part of my brain that is constantly demanding her touch, ends up around Cosima's waist, pulling her to me. She wastes no time, and leans in to brush a gentle kiss against my lips. Nothing too eager, but I feel her lips slowly moving, traveling in light tastes and licks.

"You taste really good." She says between kisses.

I hum and the arm holding her slides beneath her shirt, on a mission to reach her lower back. The other hand timidly focused on keeping the ice cream at a safe distance.

"Mmm…" Cosima pulls back to lock eyes with me, licking her lips. "Like chocolate and vanilla."

I laugh deeply. "I wonder why…"

"No idea." She replies amused, raising one of her brows. "But I like it."

Cosima reaches for my wrist and brings my ice cream to her mouth, taking a generous bite.

"Isn't that supposed to be mine?" I try to keep the playful tone to our little exchange, but I can't see anything other than her lips.

My distraction is apparently obvious, because the next time she attacks my ice cream, she is much slower, eyes focused on mine. And to prove her ploy to tease me, she finishes it with a loud moan.

My laugh grows. "That's low, even for you."

"Oh, shut up!" Cosima rolls her eyes, but she can't keep a straight face, the smile threatening to break her façade. "You like seeing me eat your ice cream."

It really is kinda silly and I can't believe it's actually working, but I can already feel my cheeks burning, which obviously doesn't improve when, with a slow thrust of her hips, I can feel her body right next to mine. Only the ice cream is preventing us from being closer. That's probably the reason that leads me to take big bite from it. Fortunately it's more on the melting side than frozen, not causing the dreadful brain freeze.

We finish the dessert between us, a few sticky kisses along the way. When there's nothing left but a bit of the vanilla ice cream stuck on the stick, I decide to pay her back and lick what's left on it with my eyes glued to Cosima's. She laughs heartily, but I can see her eyes narrowing and her tongue peeking out to moist her lower lip.

"Hmm… And you said I'm low." She complains, as she takes the stick from me, and leans backwards place it on the coffee table while my arm tightens around her waist to keep her from falling.

I take the opportunity to softly graze the skin of her stomach with the hand still under her shirt. Cosima looks me in the eye and the smile on her lips becomes something much more sly. When she straightens, both of my hands move to her sides and I slip her shirt over her head; Cosima raising her arms to facilitate my action. She removes her glasses, tossing them casually on the couch, and lifts her arms to rest atop my shoulders as her hands reach the back of my neck, pulling me to her. My lips graze her collarbone, moving lower as she raises herself, until she's on her knees and my lips lay soft whispers on the tan skin of her belly. My hands make a slow descent from her shoulder blades to her lower back, her skin soft and warm under my hands and lips.

I feel a shiver slowly travel down her spine and Cosima groans, her hands moving to my cheeks as she lowers her head until our foreheads are touching. I clutch at her hips, but no matter where I lay my hands, there's always somewhere else I crave to touch, to feel, to know what sort of response I'll get from her. Cosima's lips near mine, but when I move my head forward to kiss her, she quickly shifts her head away, with a chuckle.

"If you keep going like this I'll be tempted to believe you  _did_ practice with Olivia." Cosima says smiling.

Her words, which I might have internalized as hurt under different circumstances, are now encouraging. "That's something." I answer, my right hand moving to the base of her neck so our lips can finally meet. "Since you seemed thoroughly convinced I wouldn't be very good."

Cosima lets me kiss her once, before she pulls back again. "Don't get cocky. There's plenty of room for improvement."

"Is there?" I say lowly, our lips barely touching. My hand on her lower back slowly moving until it stops on her ass, tugging her to me.

Our mouths meet again with more purpose. While the intent is still relaxed, the energy between us has changed; it is charged and with every touch of lips, our bodies somehow become closer. I slip my tongue into her mouth and she easily receives it, a moan crawling inside her chest is echoed by me. Her hands begin working to remove my shirt, only to immediately find ourselves with attached lips once more, moving more frantically, our tongues exploring without further coaxing.

My hands slide down along her back, continuing until I can pull at the fabric of her skirt not stopping until I can feel the soft skin of her thigh. My touch is gentle, careful; inexperience slowing my movements, turning them into something almost clinical. But when she thrusts her hips forward and I feel fingers finding a firmer grip on my hair, while another finds my breast, I throw caution to the wind. No longer rationalizing, my hands move to her inner thighs, seeking, fingers sinking in the smooth flesh.

Cosima rocks harder against me and squeezes my breast, moving my bra to the side. Her lips abandon mine and before I can voice my displeasure, her tongue is flicking my exposed nipple, followed by her teeth grazing softly as a hand fully cups it.

"Merde…" I moan, arching my back to her mouth's attention.

My hands glide forward along the top of her thighs until my thumbs make contact with her underwear and I can feel how wet she is. If I were not wired tightly before, I definitely am now. I give one thrust upwards, the desire to touch her growing stronger than ever. I could never have imagined this, how another's arousal could magnify my own, making it almost unbearable. Before Cosima, a partner's excitement had never affected me so intensely. It was not unwelcome of course, but neither had it created this sort of exponential desire. On some occasions, perhaps more often than I care to admit, it felt almost intrusive, too demanding. However, at this moment, having the evidence of her readiness on the tips of my fingers, I am affected in a way I've never experienced. It feels raw and uncensored.

I press my thumb firmly against her and she whimpers as she releases my breast with a quiet pop. She arches up and hungrily meets my lips, as I slide an arm around to cup her ass, helping her rocking motion. I slide my tongue inside her mouth as my thumb makes a deliberate stroke along her center, causing her hips to thrust downwards. Cosima sucks my tongue, then my lower lip, but then pulls away, out of reach.

"Not that I don't like a good make out session on the couch." She says, her voice throaty and her forehead pressed against mine. "But I really want you to take me to bed."

Proving her point, Cosima smooths her hands along my arched back, unhooks my bra, removing it completely and tosses it across the living room to land just inside my bedroom. She looks pointedly from me to the bed we can barely see for the couch.

I chuckle and my hands reluctantly move to grasp her waist again. "You do?" I say, pulling her up with a tight hug.

Cosima giggles and wiggles out of my arms. "Put me down! You're not that strong." She says, turning around and kicking our shirts into the bedroom.

I spin her back around, my hands on her hips and pull her to me. Cosima tugs my head down to meet my lips feverishly, while we blindly make our way to my bedroom, not parting even as I kick the door shut.

With her body, Cosima presses me against the wooden door, and I take the opportunity to divest her of her bra; sliding it down her arms to fall among our shirts. Cosima's hands move down to my breasts, no longer using lingering touches. I can feel her growing more self-assured with every passing moment, with every eager kiss exchanged, with every suck to my lips and every graze of her teeth on my neck, followed by a sensual lick, a scratchy moan.

And I'm loving it, every single moment of it. It only increases my own confidence, knowing that Cosima is no longer afraid that I will stop her at any moment. With that in mind, I push her until she sits on the foot of my bed. A delicious smile graces her lips as she hooks her index fingers in the loops of my jeans, and pulls me to her. I don't resist. I step closer, watching her hands tremble slightly as she releases the buttons and unzips my jeans, her bottom lip trapped by her teeth.

She hesitates and I see doubt in her eyes as she meets my gaze. Instead of words, I choose to assure her with my hands; gently cradling her face and pulling her in to kiss her slowly, deeply. My tongue easily slips between her lips, and she accepts the invitation to ease my jeans down my legs.

I step free from the soft denim and groan as I press her against the bed; deftly removing her skirt and underwear in one smooth motion, to leave her completely naked before me. I stop to simply rake my eyes over this gift, and this time Cosima understands my hesitation for what it is. I see her smile as she weirdly crawls backwards over the bed. I notice her reaching for the top of it and pull the duvet down. I awkwardly move out of the way, giggling and take that opportunity to reach the bedside lamp and turned it on, casting a soft white light over her.

"Yeah… Lights on." Cosima chuckles and now I can see her eyes sparkling with an anticipation that I know matches my own.

I move to hover over her and lower my head until our noses are touching. "I need to see what I'm doing." I answer low.

Supporting my weight with my left hand, I reach for her cheek, my thumb passing over her lower lip before it journeys lower. With only my fingertips, I glide over her soft skin and move along her sternum. Reaching her left breast, I palm it gently, taking the full soft flesh into my hand. My eyes fix on her and I can see her gaze growing heavier, flashing back at me.

She grins. "And what are you doing?" She teases with a soft voice

At least I have the decency of blushing. "I don't know, really…"

Cosima twists her lips a little, but her gaze remains steady on me, perhaps not as playful as before, but still bright. "Sure you do." She says, taking my hand in hers. "Here… Let me show you." She adds in a whisper.

I find myself guided again, but we complete the journey together. She presses her finger against mine to pass over her swollen sex, and at the first touch, we moan in unison. Cosima closes her eyes and rests her head on the pillow as her hand moves to rest on the curve of my hip. With her neck fully exposed, my lips descend to lay gentle kisses along a path to her mouth.

No longer feeling so overwhelmed, I pay close attention to Cosima as I start to move my fingers against her. Experimenting with light touches, her hips rock upwards, searching for something more. I can sense that this is not enough for her, but it's as far as I'm ready to go for now; perhaps afraid that it will be over too soon or - more likely - that the reasons behind my actions will be something else other than Cosima herself. I bury deep inside me everything outside of us and focus on her, on my fingers sliding against the slick warmth I find, occasionally brushing her clit.

Cosima's thighs are starting to quiver and her moans are becoming whispers. The motions of her hips meeting my touch become weaker, and I swallow my fear, sliding a single finger inside; feeling her soft walls easily accommodating it.

"Yes…" Cosima hisses, her hips gaining new life. "Keep going Delphine."

I don't really need her encouragement, but it gives me the confidence to add another finger and increase my rhythmic thrusts to meet her hips. One hand moves to the base of my neck, pulling me in for a greedy kiss, while the other hand splays across my hip; digging in and tugging me closer; matching the pace of my thrusts. When we part, our foreheads come together and our eyes meet.

"Curl your fingers, Delphine." Her instructions are quiet, almost begging.

I slow my hand and do as she asks, not sure if I'm doing it right. A first, I miss it, but then I feel it, an area not so soft and brush it lightly. Even if I thought I'd found it, Cosima's reaction is enough for me. She groans loudly, and shifts a leg to wrap around my waist as one of her hands slides down my back, pressing hard against me, scratching my back. I feel her inner walls pulsing against my fingers and her wetness is flowing around my fingers to pool in my palm.

Now that I've found it, I can't stop touching it. With every thrust of my fingers inside her, the brushes become more deliberate, firmer and Cosima's hips rock to meet me every time.

"Comme ça?" I ask with a steadier press against her front wall.

Cosima nods vigorously, apparently unable to from words, her hand moving to my head and she pulls me down for a hard kiss, her tongue avidly exploring my mouth. I can't hold my weight any longer and let my body fall onto hers. It makes no difference, she's so close that it only takes two strokes to feel Cosima's body shake under mine, her arms holding me tight, her legs pressing hard against my sides.

"Fuck! Yesss... Delphine!" Cosima finally finds her voice, and loudly exclaims right next to my ear.

I shiver at the sound of it; feeling my body respond to her and have to struggle against the impulse to continue my motions, but I know that it would be too much. I ease my fingers from her, sliding them up and causing her to tremble a little. I press my forehead against Cosima's, who's opening her eyes as her smile fades.

"You're okay?" I ask, concerned with the sudden lost of lightness to her expression.

Cosima's hands move to my face, pulling me in to spread soft, lazy kisses all over, but she doesn't answer.

"Cosima…" I start, before she presses her lips against mine.

"I'm fine…" She says, barely parting her lips. "Great even." Cosima assures me, as a new energy invigorates her, even her gaze seems to turn wild, uninhibited.

Cosima adroitly shifts until I am beneath her, and I giggle at the abrupt change in position, but it dies down the moment she locks eyes with me, the corner of her lips curling upwards. She lowers her head to give me a lingering kiss, all soft touches and a smooth brush of tongue against mine. I moan, and the tightness between my thighs thrums. My arms pull her by the neck, but she uses her hands to free herself.

With her gaze steady, and a cunning grin on her lips, she slides down my body, until she's on her knees at the foot of the bed. She settles my left leg over her shoulder and gives me a look that makes me shudder.

Her right hand is sliding up my calf, while her lips start to lay soft kisses on my ankle, slowly moving up; occasionally using her teeth to deliver little bites while her other hand gently strokes my right leg. She peers up through dark lashes, perhaps to see if I'm looking at her, which of course I am. Where else would I be looking at when she's moving her lips along my leg at a painfully slow pace? When she's not looking at me, she closes her eyes, and it's then that she moves slower, her hand stroking on the outside of my leg. She grazes her teeth across the top of my knee, while her thumb rubs the inside until I'm ready to explode.

"Cosima…" I growl in a threatening rasp. She doesn't seem intimidated by my tone, but moves her eyes to me and hums. "Do you enjoy torturing me?" I ask.

She chuckles and I don't know if I should feel relieved or disappointed to see her moving up, her lips stopping next to mine. "It's not my fault that you have such long legs, is it?" She teases to kiss me, but doesn't, moving her head just so I don't get more than a brush of lips.

I'm ready to complain again, but feel her left hand moving much faster along my leg, her right one is still firmly holding my knee. Cosima lowers her head and kisses me softly, her fingers barely touching, but it's enough for me to shut my eyes and throw my head back, and her lips move to the side of my neck. However, she doesn't stay for long and soon she's moving back down. My frustrated whimper is answered with another chuckle.

And she continues the slow journey, her body lowers as she moves up my leg, her lips never losing contact with my skin. When Cosima kisses the junction of my leg my hips jerk to meet her and she is forced to pin them down to keep from being dislodged.

At the first touch of her tongue, I moan loudly as I tangle my fingers in her dreads. I would be embarrassed by the impatience I'm showing if I were able to think about anything other than the way her tongue is moving against me. I feel every light stroke she gives. Every little movement is another reason for me to moan her name. I bite the back of my free hand to keep the noise at a reasonable volume, but I don't think I succeed.

Eventually, I give up the attempt, and feeling Cosima's left hand cup my breast, my hand joins hers to squeeze harder. She groans as our fingers entwine, and I shudder as I feel it resonate deep inside. The tip of her tongue moves faster against me, and she finds my clit and flicks it a few times before she moves down and slides into me. The hand on her head grips harder and I'm pretty sure that at this point my nails are biting into her head. If she feels any pain, she gives me no sign of it, in fact the hand around my thigh tugs me closer to her mouth, her tongue sliding back up in one long stroke.

"Mon Dieu!" My voice is too loud, too broken, but the agonizingly sweet ache she's creating makes me not care at all.

This time I see the edge approaching. I should be ashamed of peaking this fast, but Cosima's to blame for that, with all her teasing. Her lips wrap my clit and Cosima sucks gently on it, the tip of her tongue brushing it lightly. And I let myself go, nothing like the explosion of the first time we were together, it's warm and long. A peaceful softness that flares everywhere and makes me sigh in delight.

I feel her moving up and when Cosima's brushing our noses together I open my eyes and see her mirroring my smile.

"Hi." She says low.

I kiss her softly, and not expecting to taste myself, I pull back. However, the notion hardly slows my need, and before she has time to give words to her raising brow, I kiss her again, this time deeper. "Hi." I say.

Cosima takes a deep breath and rests her head on my shoulder as she shifts her body to the side. Her arm remains draped around my waist and one of her legs intertwines with mine. I move a little to turn the light off, the moonlight coming from my window allowing me see her, readjust myself, pulling her to me.

"I want this." My mouth speaks the words aloud without my permission.

"What do you mean?" She asks quietly.

"It means I want you here." I explain further, now that it's out I can't pull it back in.

Cosima raises her head to meet my eyes. "I am here."

I slowly breath in, hold it there for a few seconds and exhale. "Now you are. But I know you're leaving soon."

Her expression saddens. "I don't have to go yet."

"Yet?" I say with a bitter taste. "That's what I'm talking about. I feel like we are always on borrowed time."

"Delphine…" Cosima sighs, her hand reaching my cheek.

I hold it in my own and kiss the palm of it, before I pull it away. "I don't want it, Cosima. Not like this." Cosima eyes open wide and I brace myself for another fight, but don't stop. "I don't think I deserve this. I don't think you do too either."

"You don't want to be with me?" She asks, but it's not a willingness to fight I see in the shadow of her face. Instead, I see something much closer to fear. "Is that what you mean?"

I close my eyes and will my voice not to waver. "Non…"

"Then?"

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about." My body moves away from her. "It's offensive and you're too smart for it."

Cosima shakes her head and swallows dry. "You don't understand what you're asking me to do."

"Then why don't you tell me, Cosima! Why don't you let me know so maybe I can finally understand the decisions you're making." For the first time, I raise my voice.

She continues to shake her head, her eyes clearly avoiding mine. "You can't understand." She says again, this time more determined.

"But  _she_ can, right?" I can't stop myself from saying it, my jaw muscles clenching. "Do you want me to leave?" She's already getting up.

"Merde, Cosima!" I move to hold her hand, expecting her to pull it away. She doesn't, Cosima turns to face me again and when I yank slightly she sits back down. "I'm not telling you to go."

She huffs a bit and moves her face so I can't see her, not even by the dim light that's in the room. "Right…"

"I'm not." My hand goes to her cheek and I make her look at me. "Listen to me… I'll be here for you, whenever you want, just… not like that." I breathe out, gaining courage for what's left. "Not until you've figured things out."

She lowers her head, but she's nodding slowly. "Okay…" It's hardly even a whisper that leaves her lips.


	40. Friend Zoned

Cosima leaves.

She dresses slowly, her eyes meeting mine on occasion and once she's done, Cosima leans in for a kiss. I don't fight it, softly returning the brief brush of lips, firmly aware that it could be a while, before I let myself be drawn to her like this, if ever. And while I know much of this is out of my hands, I'm sure that maintaining the distance will have to be my responsibility. If it were up to Cosima, this situation would drag on without any change. She needs to understand that I'm not willing for us to meet like this. Her part is to make a decision.

So she leaves, quietly closing my bedroom door and too soon, I hear the front door close. I wait until then to get up and lock it; unsure if I would have the strength to walk her out. I retreat to my bed, covering myself and closing my eyes. My mind going blank easily.

I wake up to the sound of my alarm. The night was spent in a deep and restful sleep. I don't know if it was pure exhaustion, or if it was the peace of mind from my conversation with Cosima. Honestly, I don't care, I'm just grateful it happened.

Still, when I twist to turn off the alarm, my nose ends up buried in the pillow where Cosima's head laid, if only for a short time. Her scent lingers like her presence in my life, taking little time to invade every cell of my body. I stay there for a while, my head resting on that pillow, until I feel strong enough to pull away with a groan and reluctantly get up.

In the bathroom I take my time, washing every trace of Cosima from my body. Not because I don't like it, but because I would be unable to function if I don't do it immediately. When I'm toweling my back I feel it scratching against it, I turn around and can barely make the lines Cosima has created there, feeling a weird sense of pride about it.  _Proof of a job well done_ , I think as a quiet chuckle echoes off the walls of the small room. And I don't really know why, but these little marks somehow feel like a sign of hope, evidence that what we have can't be easily forgotten, that Cosima might have been marked as fiercely as I was.

"So… did you two talk?" Olivia fires the moment I leave the bathroom, still with nothing but a towel around me.

I give her a sad smile. "Eventually we got around to it."

My friend shifts on the couch, her arm on the top of it as she follows me with her eyes. "And the result?"

"She didn't say she's leaving her, if that's what you're asking." I answer her, walking to my bedroom. "But at least now she knows where I stand."

"You just don't know where she stands, right?" Olivia asks loud from the living room.

"Correct!" I say, getting myself ready for the day. "I just hope this will encourage her to make a decision."

"So, you're withholding sex until she breaks things off with Kate." My roommate summarizes and when I give her nothing but silence, she continues. "What if her decision is not what you're hoping for?"

After I'm fully dressed, I move to stand by the bedroom door and look at my friend. "Anything is better than the situation we are now."

"Are you sure about that?" Olivia says. "Even if it means Cosima's attitude goes back to being… bitchy?"

My friend's words haunt me the rest of the day. She's not wrong: every time Cosima and I find ourselves on opposite sides of a decision, her reaction is to push back, often in very unpleasant ways. It's that knowledge that slows my steps as I make my way to the lab. I'm not sure what to expect, or how Cosima will react to my presence, or even if she'll be there at all. For all I know, she might actually choose to not attend today. It certainly wouldn't be unheard of for her to disappear when things are strained between us.

But not today. As I turn the corner in the hall that leads to the lab, my eyes immediately fall on her, calmly waiting by the door, missing my arrival because her eyes are locked on the phone on her hands. I get closer, reasoning with myself that it would be foolish of her to skip another day in the lab after the recent lecture about her constant absences. I'm far from assuming that this means more than that; just because she's here, it doesn't mean I shouldn't be prepared for an hour of her bickering, or ignoring me all together.

That's why my steps falter slightly as I get closer to her, searching my bag for the keycard that will open the door. Upon hearing my steps, she lifts her gaze and surprises me with one of her charming grins.

"Bonjour." She greets with the same smile, putting her phone in her bag.

"Bonjour." I mumble, and I'm sure my expression is nothing short of astonished.

"Are you gonna let us in?" She asks, perkiness dancing in her bright brown eyes.

By now, I'm sure Cosima has sensed my surprise. She might not know from where it comes from, but she can tell I wasn't expecting this type of reception. When I struggle to open the door, with every attempt resulting in a red LED light above the lock, Cosima chuckles softly, her head shaking slightly until she decides to take the card from my hand and easily opening the door.

"Can't believe you've lost all the proficiency with your hands." Cosima teases as she slides pass me and into the lab. "It will make your work with volatile elements extremely dangerous." She continues, placing the keycard on my table when she walks by it.

My jaw goes slack, and I'm seemly mesmerized by her actions since takes me way too long to recover and finally start to move inside. I shed my coat, fumbling to place it on the back of a chair. My mind is racing; searching for a response to her insinuations, but nothing finds its way past my lips, and that only causes her to laugh openly.

"Your tongue will also be sorely missed." She says, this time a little lower, while she moves to the fridge removing a few of her petri dishes.

I'm furiously blushing and I can't believe that after everything we've been through, Cosima still has the unique ability to twist my brain into knots until it's completely useless.

I give up the search for a clever riposte, or to even wonder what this means, and choose to find refuge in my work. After gathering my own things, I allow myself to become lost in something I can control, and with at some degree of certainty, predict the outcome. Cosima's teasing has also ceased, for now at least, and she seems to also be deep in thought while moving around and doing her work.

It must be twenty minutes later when I sense her looking at me. When I do the same, our eyes meet from across the room and she smiles, but it's not like earlier, it's something softer, not so playful.

"I want us to be friends." She says in a low voice, then she nods firmly and adds steadier. "Until I can… hmmm… at least until I know…"

"I get it." I decide to help her, letting her know that I understand what she's trying to say.

Cosima's smile opens a bit more. "Okay…" She says before her attention goes back to the microscope.

I can't blame her for this, in fact, I can't ask for anything else. As much as I didn't believe Cosima would actually take her time and evaluate the decision she has to make, I really led myself to believe that, whichever decision she would come to, would be hastily taken. And while the idea that I have to wait doesn't please me at all, at least now I'm sure that when Cosima gives me her answer she'll have thought things through.

In a most unexpected way, Cosima and I have seemed to reach an understanding. And, even more incredibly, she's the one who's taken the initiative of setting a truce between us; slow down our unusual relationship while decisions are made. Maybe this will be good for me as well, since I've never really had a moment of calmness when I'm dealing with her. It was always all or nothing with her. This agreement will also allow me time to grasp who Cosima is aside from the constant push and pull.

With a sudden pang, I realize I don't know much about her. I've never thought of asking about her life: does she have any siblings? I don't even know where was she born.  _Oh my God, am I really that self involved?_ And is it really my fault?

Cosima has never offered to be my friend; at times she flatly refused it. What if she decides that I'm not friend material? And that will make her realize that she wants nothing to do with me. What if we both come to the conclusion we're not… compatible? What if, after all this craziness, we discover we have absolutely nothing in common?

I'm frozen while these uneasy thoughts meander about in my mind, my hand still in midair holding a pipette that I almost drop when I hear Cosima's phone buzzing. "Merde!" I gasp aloud, my eyes going to Cosima's station.

She looks back at me, the phone in her hand, still buzzing as her eyes are wide open in my direction, confused by my reaction. "What's wrong? Did you drop something?" Cosima asks, her thumb pressing the phone to reject the call.

"Does she has to come pick you up every single day?" I ask with an unfriendly voice, the doubt I was experiencing just moments ago transforming into aggravation.

Cosima's eyes move from me and go to the phone, which she slowly puts back in her pocket, as if putting away a gun she had been aiming at me. "I guess you don't like that, huh?"

I breath out and will myself to calm down. "You think?" I reply honestly.

"Alright." She cryptically says and starts to put her things away.

I do the same and let the subject drop, because there's nothing I can say or that Cosima can tell me that will make it better. When I'm done, I join her by the door, where she's waiting for me, the phone going off again in her pocket, but she ignores it.

"Any plans for the weekend?" She asks as we stroll down the hall towards the exit.

"Not really." I say, meeting her stare. "I'm sure Olivia will want to go out, but I don't know… I have some reading to catch up on."

She nods. "You're not gonna do any reading at night. You should go out and have some fun." She encourages me before we step outside.

"She wants to be friends!" I loudly announce the moment I reach home.

Olivia looks amazed at me, her hair still wrapped in a towel. "That's good, right?"

"I don't know… is it?" I say, taking off my shoes and coat. "She wants to be my friend until she decides whether or not she wants to stay with Kate." I elaborate. "And, as much as I admire her decision making strategy, I hate to be left waiting on the sidelines for her to make her choice."

"You don't like that you don't have a say in it." My friend's judgement is spot on.

"It doesn't sound fair." I agree, nodding.

"Perhaps you should… like, help her in making that decision." Olivia comments, moving to the bathroom and turning on the hairdryer.

I watch her thoughtfully until she's done. "I can't complain if I'm the one who asked her to do it." I say when the annoying noise stops.

"I never said that." Olivia stops and looks at me. "Just… guide her in the right way."

I give her a doubtful look. "And how am I supposed to do that?"

"Well… she's your friend now, right?" She asks and I slowly nod. "As a friend myself I can guarantee you that a friendly advice can go a long way."

I laugh. "That's not true if you have a direct benefit from it."

"God, Delphine!" Olivia shouts, exasperated. "Do I have to spell it out for you?

"You don't say shit about Kate." She's pacing in front of me, while I watch her from the couch. "Be discreet about it. Every chance you get, show her that you're better than that bitch of a girlfriend of hers. Just don't create the situation. Never do that!" Her index pointing at my face now. "You need Cosima to come to you with it, never force the subject."

"Cosima's not stupid." I say, frowning my eyebrows. "She's going to see right through it!"

"No shit!" My friend shrugs. "I don't think you'll fool her, but you have to make your own case. No one's going to do it for you, and I believe that's what Cosima wants, to be honest." Olivia finishes right before she moves to the kitchen.

"How do you figure that?" I inquire, my eyes following her as she reemerges in the living room with one of the bottles of wine I brought from France and a corkscrew in one hand and two glasses in the other.

"Cosima's waiting for you to give her a good reason to leave Kate. I don't think she can do it on her own… don't ask me why." When I give her a look of disbelief my roommate continues, working her way around the cork. "If that wasn't the case and Cosima's true intentions were never to leave her, she wouldn't have given you the  _let's be friends for now_  speech. Especially when you've finally put out."

I take the bottle she still hasn't managed to open from her grasp as she flinches a little. The time I take in opening the wine I think it through.

"She was extremely nice today." I murmur, more to myself than to Olivia.

"What do you mean? Nice?" She asks, raising the two glasses that I fill halfway with the ruby liquid.

"Joking and… you know, teasing." I answer with a distant smile. "You know how Cosima can be…"

"Teasing?" Olivia laughs and brings the wine to her lips. "Yeah… totally… I do that with my friends all the time…"


	41. Cool Off

That night I stay home alone, giving Sylvia and Olivia some privacy. Even if my roommate had asked me if I wanted to join them; I felt like I would just get in the way and figured I probably wasn't going to be the best of company. The following morning I wake to an empty house and Olivia doesn't return until well into the afternoon, finding me sitting at the table, computer in front of me and deeply engrossed in my work.

She doesn't say a word at first, merely approaching me after shedding her coat and moves her stare from me to the ashtray, filled with cigarette butts.

"Did you even have lunch?" She finally asks.

I give her a guilty look, an apologetic smile on my lips. "Might have forgotten about it." I say. "But I did eat something when I got up." I quickly add, feeling the need to justify myself.

Olivia shakes her head. "Alright! That's it! You're going out tonight!"

"Okay." I agree in a low voice, shrugging and nodding, my attention going back to what I was reading before she arrived.

"Just like that? You're not gonna fight it, find some excuses… nothing?" My friend cocks one of her brows, surprised by my easy conformity.

"No." I reply, getting up and taking the ashtray with me. "In fact I was going to ask if you wanted to go out tonight, you just never gave me the chance."

I walk into the kitchen and empty the content of the ashtray in the bin, before returning to the living room. Meanwhile, Olivia remains silent, eyeing me with curiosity.

"What?" I brusquely ask.

"Why the sudden change of heart?" Her gaze set on me, as if she's trying to read something I'm keeping from her.

"I just need a night off." I simply say. "Unless you don't want me to go?"

Olivia energetically shakes her head and waves her arms. "Oh no, no, no… You're not taking it back."

"Well… I just don't want to be a third wheel between you and Sylvia." I explain.

"Actually, she can't come tonight. She has an exam on Monday." Olivia says, moving to the bathroom. "It will be like the old days." She adds, laughing just before she closes the door.

Olivia and I have a particularly lengthy dinner, a sense of calmness between us and even after we've finished our meal we stick around in the diner for a while longer, our conversation not falling on a specific topic. When we leave there's an unhurried feeling on our steps that lead us to the bar. So it is with no surprise that I notice the place is filling up when we get there.

Upon my arrival, my eyes sweep the entire place, before we move to order our drinks and find a vacant table where we can comfortably enjoy our drinks in peace. Despite Olivia's earlier statement about it being like the old days, there are too many things that changed for it to be true. Right from the moment we arrived I notice that Olivia's eyes are no longer constantly moving from me to the people around us, in search of someone that would catch her eye. Instead my friend's attention is steady on me, Olivia's clearly not interested in finding anyone else.

"Who's whipped now?" At some point I decide to tease her.

Olivia frowns for a brief moment, but when she understands my casual comment, she grins. "I have everything I need." She sheepishly says.

I smile. "So you can stop looking…"

Then something I thought I would never see happens: Olivia starts to blush so hard that not even the dim lights are enough to hide it. "I… I really like her, Del." She admits, after which she clears her throat and regards me seriously. "I suppose I should thank you."

I laugh. "I don't wanna sound corny, but seeing you like this is enough." I assure her. "I'm really happy that my drunkenness got you laid on a regular basis."

Her expression falls a bit and her eyes gain a heaviness that doesn't appear often. "I'm sorry she didn't come." Olivia says in a soft voice.

I thickly swallow and feel my own heart sink. "What… What do you mean?" I ask, not because I don't understand what she's getting at, but because I need to gain some time to recover from the sudden blow.

Olivia purses her lips and her gaze pins mine in a way that makes me uncomfortable. "I might have stopped looking around, but you started doing it." She bluntly says. "Even if Cosima was here, you ought to know that the odds of her being alone are…"

"I know, Olivia." I nod, my eyes falling and I bring the glass to my lips for a generous swallow.

"I'm not saying this because I enjoy to see you like that," she says fast and places her hand on top of mine, "but you need to face the reality of the situation you're in…"

"Which is shitty!" I complete with a bitter smile. "You think I don't know that?"

Olivia exhales and takes her own glass to her lips. "Okay… but…" She stops and I can see her carefully considering her next words. "I  _do_  want you to be with Cosima, I do… But not if it makes you miserable."

"It's not being with her that makes me miserable," I assertively say, "is not being able to be with her… Not the way I want to.

"But you're right!" I concede. "I should face the possibility that things might not end the way I want them to." I let my shoulders sink. "Perhaps I need to get used to the idea that Cosima might never leave Kate."

My friend gives me a solidarity smile. "Right!" She nods. "And if it happens it's not the end of the world."

Oddly enough, instead of leaving me feeling defeated, the conversation gives me a new wave of hope. There's life after Cosima. It might not be the one I desire at the moment, but I know that things will get better. Perhaps they will get worse first, but they will get better… eventually. Cosima's decision will inevitably shape my future, but one thing is undeniable, my life will never be the same. In fact, there's something I'll always be indebted to her: she has opened up my world, given me new horizons. If I explore them with her or not is what remains to be seen.

Obviously her company would be… most appreciated. But one thing is for sure, I should stop seeing my connection with Cosima with such heaviness. No matter how much I want her, I should let things take their natural course. I won't stop making my feelings known, I won't hide them away, but I've decided to stop pushing. Like I told her: I will be present when she wants me - if she wants me -, however I'll no longer demand her attention.

If it's my friendship Cosima craves, I'll gladly give it to her. The relaxed compromise will be a nice change of pace.

Is with a lightness of heart that I push through the door to the library, Monday after lunch, and find Cosima at the desk that had been established as mine.

With a smile on my lips, I approach her with slow steps. "I thought this was my seat." I say when she rises her head to see who's stopped in front of her.

Cosima smiles a little and tilts her head. "Mine's occupied."

I glance towards her table and find it empty. With a wider grin I look back at her and cock my brow.

"Well… It was when I arrived." She tries to assure me with a steady voice and a firm nod, the tip of her middle finger going to the glasses as she adjusts their position on the bridge of her nose.

I chuckle as I take the seat in front of her without another word. I take what I need from my bag and settle in for an hour or so of study before we have to leave for the lab. We are focused on our work, even if occasionally I feel her eyes stealing a glance, something I'm obviously guilty of as well. But apart from that we're quiet and time speeds by.

When I glance at my watch I notice that if we don't want to be late we should get going. I stretch my arm a little to lightly tap my pen on her notepad. Cosima raises her eyes to me and I simply point at my wristwatch, at which she nods and starts to pack.

We're walking side by side when Cosima speaks again. "So… how was your weekend?"

I look down to meet her eyes. "Not much… caught up with some reading." She dramatically groans and brings a hand to her forehead. I chuckle. "Oh… I also began the written exposition on the project I'm developing."

"Ugh… Delphine." She gives a fake whining.

We reach the lab door and I make a big production of opening it, which fortunately unlocks at my first attempt. "Looks like I've got my motor skills back." I say softly as she passes in front of me.

"Good to know…" She responds while she loses her coat and moves to the fridge.

I do the same and join her to retrieve my things. "I also went out with Olivia Saturday night." I casually add when we're both by the fridge.

Cosima looks at me and opens a big grin. "Now, that's what I'm talking about!" She comments.

I'm quiet for some time as I get everything ready, gathering the courage to say what has been on my mind. "I thought I might see you there." And I just hope it came out as unconcerned as I pretended.

Cosima stares at me from across the room and blinks a few times before she looks away. "Yeah… I meant to, but something came up." She says and now I seriously hope I'm better at this than she is.

She tried to make it sound casual, but I could hear her voice break. We're tiptoeing around each other and I feel like at any misplaced word, this fragile peace we've built; keeping us at a safe distance, might shatter. However, this is not something I didn't predict: with our relationship being born in the eye of a storm, this sort of calmness has us feeling untested. We're both feeling out of our environment, and the notion that at any moment we may fall into old patterns is heavy on our shoulders and has us treading carefully. Every word we speak is closely measured and weighed before we actually speak it.

Is not something I particularly like, having Cosima being too thoughtful about what she can tell me, but it's something I'm very skilled at. Having years of practice, I feel like I have an unfair advantage over her. I wish I could tell her she doesn't have to do it, that I rather have her telling me exactly what's on her mind. I want her to know that she can remove any filters she has because that's who I inexplicably found myself falling for.

But I can't; not yet. In a way I feel like we need to build a new foundation for our relationship, whatever form it will take in the future.

So, instead of pushing for further explanations, I hum and get back to the work at hand. My project is steadily developing, everything seems to be going according to plan, I notice as I write down the latest developments and yet it doesn't make me feel any better. I can't shake the feeling that Dr. Ford will not be pleased to hear it. I can almost hear her repeat the word  _predictable_  with brows frowned in disappointment. I contemplate the ideals talking to her; a conversation with Dr. Ford might just be what I need to spike my creativity, even if it changes everything at this point can't possibly do more harm than good.

I turn to Cosima and I watch her for a few moments, concentrated on what she's doing. Her glasses are on top of her head as she peers through the microscope, only to be immediately returned to the bridge of her nose when her attention moves to the messy sheets of paper and she scribbles down some notes. Her hands move confidently around the table to remove and cover the petri dish she was observing and replace it with another to repeat the same process. When my gaze returns to what's in front of me there's a modest smile on my lips and I know I've made the right decision.

Being able to have a little peek at Cosima in her  _natural environment_ gives me a unique feeling of satisfaction. Having this certainly beats not having anything at all. Perhaps, with time, this will become enough. The turmoil she puts my mind through every time she's near may diminish as I get used to dealing with her in situations where there's no friction.

The idea that we might lose what we had sends a tremor down my spine. The nostalgia for something that hasn't happened yet brings a sorrow to my heart. It doesn't last though.

The moment I feel a hand softly touching my lower back and I suddenly turn around to look at her, finding Cosima's expression swiftly changing from a comfortable smile to something much more profound, her eyes meeting mine with a heaviness I had no business knowing, the previous notion evaporates. How can I believe that this will be lost? When the simple touch of her hand, now over my abdomen and with slightly more pressure, is enough to send a heat wave running over my body and a tightness in my stomach.

Cosima's bright eyes leave mine and she looks at the hand. She takes her time moving it away and I only lose her touch when she slides it over my stomach and lets her arm fall along her side.

"We should be leaving." Cosima announces after she cleared her throat.

I take a moment to realize that she has already put her things away and it's when my eyes focus on her again, I notice her coat is on and her bag is slung over her shoulder. She takes a step back, allowing me some much needed distance and I notice the time: over ten minutes passed our usual hour.

Raising my eyebrow at Cosima, she only grins and says nothing. I press my lips together to keep away the smile and nod. It's not until I'm storing my things with my back turned to her that I let the smile break free. Our usual annoying alarm is pleasantly silent.

As we walk down the hall, in the exit's direction, I wonder if it's just the phone that stopped and I still have to face Kate's presence or if Cosima went a little further than that. My steps falter before we cross the main door and she looks back to find me a little behind. She chuckles as if she can see right through me, like my doubts and hesitations are exposed for her to see. Maybe they are. Cosima, unlike me, never seemed to have any difficulty in reading me.

"C'mon!" Cosima encourages with a wide grin, energetically approaching me, quickly grabbing my hand to give a little tug. "There's something I want you to see!"

I smile, then laugh at her childlike excitement, letting her drag me into the low autumn sun. "Vraiment?"

Her laugh joins mine. "Oui, oui… vraiment!" She says with her appalling accent.

We approach the parking lot and she lets my hand go to search for something inside her bag. Cosima takes her time rummaging through her purse and I can see her moving things around in it as she releases a low curse, now completely stopped to make it easier for her to find whatever she's looking for. I know she has it when she gives me a big smile. Cosima shows me a key when her hand comes out of the depths of her bag and restarts to walk.

We stop close to a sky blue scooter. Then she walks around it and takes a helmet from the seat compartment where she places her purse. Unlike the black one I've seen her with before, this helmet is bright yellow and opened with a movable face shield.

"My new acquisition." Cosima cheerily informs me while her hand moves over the vehicle as if displaying it. "What do you think?"

"I… uhmm… it's a scooter." I awkwardly acknowledge.

"No shit!" She snorts. "Wanna go for a ride?" Cosima winks as she says it. "I can drop you home."

I look at the scooter and then back to her still smiling face. "You think I'll get on this… this death machine with you?" I over dramatically say.

Cosima gives a throaty laugh. " _Death machine_?!" She mocks a little, closing the space between us and taking my hands after leaving the helmet on top of the motorcycle seat. "C'mon Delphine… Live a little."

I wrinkle my nose and start to nibble at my lower lip, still not at all on board with the idea. "I don't have a helmet", I finally find the perfect excuse.

She frowns with her gaze still steady on me. "You can have mine."

"Then  _you_  don't have a helmet."

Cosima breaths out. "Alright!" She concedes, but the smile never leaves her face. "But don't think you're in the clear." She doesn't disarm, reaching for her helmet and putting it on, her glasses staying slightly crooked on her nose. "How do I look?"

I laugh, fix her spectacles and tap my knuckles on top of her protected head. "Très belle…" It slips before I can stop myself.

"Well… I know that!" Cosima jokes but she can't keep the surge of red rising to her cheeks.

Suddenly, like a second nature, my hands are on her hips and I'm pulling her to me, but halfway I catch myself and we end up in an awkward hug, made even worse by the helmet on her head. Cosima's no better than me, her arms were fast to wrap around my neck and her fingers are gently brushing the little hairs on top of my neck. Even as we pull away and our arms quickly move away from each other's bodies, the awkwardness persists and we're unable to meet each other's gaze.

I clear my voice only to produce a small "Bye…"

"Yeah… yeah… uhmm… see ya…" Cosima manages.

I take another step back and watch her as she mounts the scooter and brings it to life, the electric motor only emitting a small humming noise. A quick grin my way as she pulls down the face shield, before she releases the support and drives away.


	42. The Waiting Game

The following days Cosima and I fall into a comfortable routine: meeting in the afternoon at the library, after our classes, for an hour of study until we walk to the lab. At the end of the day we head outside, our paces slowing as we come closer to her scooter where Cosima takes her time, delaying as much as we can the impending separation. While we don't avoid touching one another, we limit the intimate contact to safe areas; the upper arms, occasionally letting our fingers drag along the fabric of each other's shirts. I don't know how the quirky girl feels about it, but for me is the only way that I can convince my mind she is actually there. I no longer trust my sight, and only through palpable evidence I believe in her daily presence in my life.

Our interactions now lack the insistent tension as before, and I no longer feel like a tense rope about to snap. Instead, a pleasant warmth settles in my heart, at times spreading to the extremities of my body when I catch her staring, her honey brown eyes piercing me with intensity or with a thoughtful expression. Those are the moments I feel my resolve crack a little, only to be restored after we say goodbye and I am allowed some respite from her intense presence. However, the next day, when my eyes fall on her, already waiting for me in the library, her gaze always finding me the instant I walk in, the same cracks I thought closed creep wider. One day, I am convinced, they will be large enough for me to be swallowed by them.

The second week of our  _agreed friendship_ , our goodbyes become lengthy. The first time is due to the rain; pouring down from a dark, heavy sky, preventing Cosima's departure. We stand by the main door, waiting for the shower to slow down, talking idly. Cosima takes the time to ask about my family, my early life back in France, while I answer in kind to her enthusiastic questions.

The next day, although the sun is shining brightly, we lingered by the scooter, Cosima's helmet forgotten on the seat of the bike so she has both hands free to gesticulate energetically as she answers my round of questions. Cosima's the only child of teenage parents, her mother only nineteen years her elder, the father seventeen. They never married, but that didn't stop them from sharing their lives until Cosima was sixteen. As she explains this, Cosima's hands don't slow down, but there is an unevenness in her voice and a heaviness in her eyes, which I blame on the usual sadness that anyone whose parents are separated has. Feeling this I decide not to probe any further.

The next excuse we find to prolong her departure is the list of places we want to visit. In Cosima's list the Nordic countries are predominant - Finland, Sweden, Denmark… - while my list is mostly composed by the south - Turkey, Greece, Egypt… Although we agree that we can easily compromise and find a list that would satisfy us both. The fact that, under present circumstances, we probably won't be able to make those trips together, never enters our conversation.

In fact, the subject of our precarious situation is never even addressed. For all that we've been talking these last few days and even, somehow, forged plans together, the notion that Cosima would have to give a big step in that direction on her own, doesn't even make way into my mind. Not until she leaves and I arrive home, with a tug of frustration pulling at my heart. It is only then that the heaviness of our situation sinks in and I end up laughing bitterly at myself, making silent promises that I won't allow the idea to take form within my mind nor will I start to daydream of lazy summer afternoons, spent on white sand beaches with Cosima at my side. However, that's becoming increasingly difficult when the next time I see her she openly offers me a grin that lightens up her face and pulls at my gut. My head constantly telling me that this is unhealthy, but my heart is deaf to logic and before I know, we are again in the parking lot, arguing the merits of living in the west versus the east coast.

It would be so easy to blame Cosima for it, it's not like I haven't tried it several times. But it's hard to reach such conclusion with a clear conscience. After all, I am also part of these conversations and not only did I never think about putting a stop to them, I have encouraged them, perhaps leading her into thinking those constructs of our imaginations can come to fruition, no matter what. The certainty with which these conversations take place, with firm nods and soft smiles can just as easily be fooling Cosima as they are fooling me.

By mid November, after two weeks of this artificial calmness, I am torn between frustration and hope. Despite my early fears that Cosima and I would eventually create an irreparable distance, it never came close to it; we have a lot more to go on than the initial physical attraction. However, the delay that Cosima is putting on me through, the length of time she's taking in making a decision is leaving its mark. I'm running on fumes; starting to wonder if she's going to make a decision at all, or if she's become so comfortable that she'd all but forgotten about it.

It is on one of these days, when the rain and heavy clouds relent to let a low sun warm the day and allow us to walk with the coats hanging over our arms, that I take the opportunity to enjoy a coffee outside at a little shop near campus. When I finally reach home, I know something is not quite right. The table is formally set with a light pink tablecloth, two candles in the center - fortunately not lit yet - and a bottle of red wine open, the glasses missing. However, it's the muffled moans from Olivia's bedroom that make me stop in the middle of the living room. I struggle to keep my giggles to a minimum as I go quickly to my room.

It makes sense that my roommate would not be able to wait until the end of the meal to have desert. At least, this time Olivia had the good sense to take it to her bedroom and close the door.

Anticipating the romantic dinner that would eventually take place, I waste little time in making myself scarce. I drop everything but my purse on the bed and, making as little noise as possible, I'm out the door. Stepping out of the building I tug the coat closer; the day might have been spring-like warm, but the night is undeniably cold, gusts of freezing air slipping into my bones. My respiration coming out in foggy puffs as I stand there, trying to decide where to go. I could use the time to study, but in the haste of leaving, I hadn't thought that I actually needed to do something to pass the time.

It was probably the frustration that I'm constantly under these days, but I don't even think twice about pulling out my phone and text Cosima a simple "dinner?" I'm not sure if she'll read the text, let alone answer, but less than two minutes later, my phone vibrates in answer: "sure! but only if you bring it over. i'm at the library." I smile to myself and start to walk as I type an "ok".

I walk to my favorite Italian restaurant, a little cozy place not far from home, and go directly to the counter. A pineapple pizza and bottle of red wine later - which I ask the surprised waiter to open and close again with the cork - and I'm hailing a cab, wanting to reach the library fast enough for the food not to get cold.

The security guard raises his brow, seeing me casually pass with a pizza box and a plastic bag that doesn't even begin to hide the bottle, but says nothing. A grin is on my lips as I knock on the door and hear Cosima's steps getting closer.

She opens the door with a smile of her own, that only grows as she takes in what I'm carrying. "Oh, dude… you're a life saver!" Cosima says, opening the door wider to let me in, "I'm fucking starving!"

I chuckle at her contagious enthusiasm. "What would you have done if I hadn't offered to get you dinner?" I ask, setting the things on the closest table to the one covered with her stuff.

Cosima shrugs and skips closer to me, her smile still wide as she opens the box and takes a deep inhale. "I guess I don't have to worry about that now, do I?" Her eyes going to the bottle of wine that I'm taking out of the bag and she's grinning mischievously when she meets my eyes, but makes no comment, only moving to sit on top of the table, readjusting her burgundy loose pants that slid down slightly with her quick shift.

I walk to the water dispenser and take two plastic cups, moving back to our improvised dinner table and pour the wine, handing one to Cosima, which she brings to her lips, taking an experimental sip. She closes her eyes as the velvet liquid envelops her tongue and throat and she exhales an appreciative moan that's just low enough to make my world shift with a shiver.  _Fuck! Why does she so easily, so effortlessly cause this reaction in me?_  It takes longer than it should to peel my eyes from her, and while she savors the wine, her closed eyes prevent her from noticing her effect on me. Knowing her the way I do, she would probably make it worse.

To avoid falling into yet another crack opening, I busy myself with a slice of pizza, tearing my eyes from her and scanning the large room until my perusal falls on the desk she was occupying moments ago. Two open books and a notebook with an abandoned pen between its pages are apparently all she needs to study. When I twist my head in search for my cup of wine on top of the table behind me, I find her eyeing me with a raised brow, as if she's trying to decipher what's on my mind.

"Why do you come here to study?" I voice my question.

"I like the quietness," Cosima answers within a heartbeat, before she takes a big bite of the slice of pizza she has claimed.

"Couldn't you get that at home?"

"It's not quite the same," she swallows the pizza before she continues. "The atmosphere is different. Here you  _have_  to focus, there aren't many distractions."

"Unless I come around to bother you," I quip fast.

She smiles, "I really can't complain this time, can I?" Cosima says, raising the plastic cup and bringing it to her lips. "In fact, I wouldn't mind to get interrupted by you more often, if it comes with a side of pizza and wine."

I watch her as she drains her glass and goes for the bottle again. "Actually, I just came because Olivia is having some sort of romantic dinner at home."

Cosima hums and nods while she chews. "Sylvia?"

"I can only imagine." I raise my shoulders. "When I got there they were... occupied in her bedroom."

"Maybe they're celebrating..." Cosima offers casually.

I knit my brows. "What makes you say that?"

She pauses a little, a thoughtful expression clouding her face slightly. "If memory serves me well, they met about half a year ago, right?"

Cosima meets my gaze, looking for confirmation. I think back to the foggy night I've introduced them. Was it really that long ago? "Probably," I say aloud, slowly nodding my head, "it has been that long..." I add lowly, my head raising to lock my stare with Cosima's.

She's smiling weakly, but quickly drops her gaze under the pretense of reaching for another slice.

I've changed so much in a matter of months - we've both changed. Or have we? Even then there was a craving for Cosima, a need to feel her heat, her touch. It took an alcohol clouded mind for me to admit it, but it was already there, lurking in the shadows of the walls I'd built around myself. I might have lacked the bravery to act upon it with a clear head, but the instinct was already there. Maybe it was always present; stifled and under weak control, but the way I responded to Cosima was always under tense restraint. It took time to loosen, to free its reins, however once I did, there was no going back. If anything had changed over these months, it was only the strengthening of my need for her, the force of my desire has become impossible to contain within the walls surrounding me.

It was also the night we first kissed; the realization hits me all of the sudden. Drunken and confused, I was the one who pulled our lips together and Cosima proved to be a lot more than I first thought. I couldn't see it clearly at the time what now seems so obvious.

With a ridiculous blush, I wonder if that's why Cosima's so fast to realize the motives for my roommate's celebration. "I don't think I've ever thanked you properly for taking care of me that night," I say instead, with a wave of regret that surprises me. Only now are the weighty consequences of my actions so fully perceived.

Cosima's gaze drops and she takes so much time to respond that, for moments, I'm led to believe she won't say anything. "You did, actually," she finally speaks, "in this very room." The tone of her voice doesn't sound like an accusation, but I feel it that way nonetheless, her eyes not raising from the plastic cup filled with dark red liquid.

Unable to see her expression, I'm even more unsure of how to react to her words. However, the quietness in which she speaks is proof enough that she's holding back, like there's something she still wants to say, but won't. It's a feeling that I can easily relate to; I feel it as well. I would be lying if I say I haven't spent some time thinking about how different things between us would be if that night had been a turning point for us. If I, instead of judging her actions too quickly as those of someone looking for a fast lay, had bothered to just let her talk; if I had taken the time to listen to what she had to say and not allowed my blind certainty to shut her out.

I was so sure I knew what Cosima was all about; no doubt in my mind of what she wanted and, truth be told, is not like she said anything to prove me wrong. If only I had paid closer attention to her actions though, perhaps I would've seen it; seen something that even Cosima might have not known at the time. I was so confused, overwhelmed every time she was around that I couldn't make a fair judgement. But most of all, I was terribly wrong.

"I wish I could go back in time," I admit, not able to meet Cosima's eyes. "Or that, somehow, I could knew then what I know now, maybe that way…"

"Delphine, don't!" Cosima cuts me off, her right hand reaching my cheek in a gesture so filled with tenderness, that my heart skips a beat. "I'm sure both of us did things we're not particularly proud of and want to take back," she smiles weakly when I allow the softness of her hand to lift my head and settle my gaze on hers, "but…"

She stops and I obviously don't need her to continue.  _But there's nothing we can do_ , of course. I nod and sigh, closing my eyes and place my own hand on top of hers, leaning my head into her touch.

"It won't all be for naught," Cosima's voice is low, as if only talking to herself, her thumb gently brushing my skin in small circles. "I promise, I will make this right."

I open my eyes and am unable to shake the suspicion from my chest. However, the determination with which she looks at me makes me doubt her less. I've made that mistake in the past and look where it got me! "Okay…" I whisper and try to smile; the obvious question of  _when_  remains unspoken. There's no point in adding more strain between us. Her words of assurance will have to do for now.

For now I'll have to bask in the knowledge that Cosima seems to want the same thing I do, and I have to trust that she wants it bad enough to resolve her… issues with Kate.

Hopefully sooner rather than later, because I don't know how long I'll be able to remain true to my decision to keep from acting on impulse around her. Especially when Cosima looks at me like she is now; with her eyes dripping with affection, the palm of her hand cradling my face with a warm, soft touch. My eyes drop to her lips, stained red with the wine and Cosima notices my wandering gaze, her hand still covered by mine, slides down to the side of my neck and curls gently. We lean in together, but Cosima doesn't press me for more when I just let my forehead rest against hers - had she done it I'm sure I wouldn't resist. The only thing I feel is her hand move from under mine and her arm slide over my shoulder until we're almost pressed together, she takes a deep breath that warmly licks my skin on its way out.

"I should go," I whisper, but can already feel Cosima's head wobble against mine.

"No… stay," she breathes out softly, "Just don't look at me like that."

I move my head away from hers so I can inspect her properly. "Like what?" I ask, bewildered.

Cosima opens her eyes, quickly zeroing on mine, her easy grin barely stretching her lips. "You know…" her hand moves to where it feels to me is her favorite spot, just at the top of my neck, her fingers instinctively tangling with the small hairs. "Like you want to lay me back on the table and have your way with me," she says with a hint of humor.

Her words are enough to create an ache rolling down my spine and settle in my abdomen; my head filling with images much faster than should be appropriate. I swallow the rush of lust and bite my lower lip, my eyes stealing a glance at the top of the table behind Cosima. Upon seeing my easily read reaction, Cosima's body vibrates with a husky laugh.

I squint and struggle to pull myself together. "You're not helping, you know…"

"I'm not trying to," Cosima's still smiling broadly, but she's no longer laughing at least.

"Okay… I'm leaving!" I glare at her and give a step back.

Cosima lets me move back, but she grasps my wrist, keeping me from going too far. "Ohh c'mon…" she whines playfully, "you can stay, I'll behave!"

I end up staying, of course. The pizza and wine bottle disappear with the conversation, and Cosima's books are left by themselves on the same desk. It's past two a.m. when we finally walk out of the building, the alcohol preventing us from feeling the bite of the cold night. We take a taxi together, Cosima obviously in no condition to drive home and my house is the first stop. I'm giggling while we say goodnight - why? I don't really know - but I'm still chuckling quietly as I slide the key in the door to the apartment. The living room has been restored to its natural order and it looks like the house is asleep, Olivia's door closed lets me know she's there. In no time I'm in bed, ridiculous chuckles still erupting on occasion from my chest.


	43. One and Only

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey! So, I've noticed a tendency to name stories/chapters after Adele's new songs and that's all good… but, I'm gonna ask you to go back in time and find your '21' copies because that's where the track that named this chapter is.
> 
> Also, I've said that I wouldn't write another Cosima chapter, but as we reach the final stretch of the story, I found it was necessary to go there again. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Finally, a million thanks to Cophine for invaluable help on this.

I half walk, half stumble into the house, still feeling a bit giddy. Despite the big open space, I still manage to bump my knee on the edge of the low coffee table Kate insists on dragging into the middle of the room. Only the glow of my phone provides some light to briefly illuminate the stairs that will lead me to the bed where I imagine she's already sleeping.

Thinking twice about it, I kick off my shoes and drop to the couch with a low groan, stretching my limbs before I pull the blanket which is always spread on the headrest, to cover me. The alcohol from the wine is still warming me; calling sleep to my groggy mind. The tiredness quickly settles in and I can't keep my eyes from slowly closing, but before I let sleep completely take over me, I allow my brain to produce a clear image of Delphine, blushing and nibbling her lower lip with her eyes steady on mine and slowly descending to my own mouth.

I don't know if I fell asleep with a dopey grin, but it's there when I wake up. My back is aching from the awkward position and without the alcohol warming me from inside, I'm also feeling uncomfortably cold, the thin blanket hardly enough to keep the brisk of the morning at bay. I blink my eyes a few times, the morning sun entering with a harsh glow through the uncovered windows on the ground floor. Resettling and pulling the blanket closer to me, I lay there for a while, listening carefully to see if Kate's already up, but the house is silent. I see my bag on the floor, next to the couch, where I no doubt abandoned it when I arrived, as well as my glasses, which fortunately have survived intact from yet another night of mistreatment. I pick them up and clumsily place them on my face while I dig around my purse for the phone, before I realize that it's actually  _under_  it. Ignoring the several missed calls, the same way I did last night, I check the time: it's not even seven-thirty and the only reason for me to be already awaked is the light in the room and the cold. If it weren't for the latter I would stay here a bit longer, perhaps try to drift back to sleep. I didn't get that much sleep and the feeling that my head is about to crack is, most likely, the result of that with the wine from last night a close second.

Instead, I force myself up, the blanket no longer keeping me the least bit warm and making the morning chill even more uncomfortable. I place it back on the headrest, grab my bag to put it on my desk and quietly move upstairs. Kate's still asleep, comfortably cocooned in a nest of sheets and blankets. Minding the noise, I gather fresh clothes and move to the bathroom, slowly closing the door behind me.

The hot shower eases the headache, the hard spray against my back a welcome massage, and I can feel my muscles start to relax. When I turn off the shower I can hear steps outside the door, and drawers opening and shutting with intent. I know what I'm doing when I take an unnecessarily long time to dress, or when I'm extra careful about applying the eyeliner until I'm satisfied with the sharp edges. When I have no other reason to delay, I check and recheck to see if I haven't left anything out of place.

I open the bathroom door and step outside, the headache reemerging with a vindictive force, but as I look around the top floor I notice that the bed is made and Kate has probably moved downstairs. With my dirty clothes in arms, I descend the stairs, my eyes immediately meeting Kate's, who's glancing at me over the top of her cereal bowl.

I mumble a "good morning" as I approach the washer and toss my dirty clothes in, taking my time in starting the machine; anything to avoid meeting her accusatory stare for as long as I can.

"I thought you went out to study last night…" Kate states in an annoyed tone.

"I did!" I answer her, walking to the fridge, still avoiding facing her.

"Don't lie to me, Cosima!" Her voice raises just an octave, but gains an exasperated edge.

With the bottle of orange juice in one hand I reach for a glass.

"I'm not," I say, forcing my voice to remain calm, "I've spent the entire night at the library."

"You know… one of the advantages of knowing you so well is being able to tell exactly when you have an hangover." Kate explains, her voice not as sharp.

What she forgets is that it works both ways. I also know her, and am familiar with this strategy of hers; allowing people to let their guard down with a soft voice, only to attack the next minute. I firmly meet her gaze and she's looking at me with an expression that's daring me to confront her and once I do, she'll strike back.

I bite the inside of my cheek, pondering what to say next. "Actually, both statements are true," I decide to tell her. "I was at the library the entire evening, and I have a hangover," I say casually, pouring the juice.

She squints with her eyes steady on me. "You were with  _her_ , weren't you?"

I let my gaze linger on Kate's features for some time before I look away, slowly shaking the head to myself.  _This has to end_ , I realize, closing my eyes and sighing deeply. Why should I let this keep going? Despite my tries, I know things with Kate will never go back to be the same. Something started to change inside me the moment she left, I don't really know what it was, but something broke and I missed it for a long time, perhaps convinced that I couldn't live without it and when she returned, wanting to resume where we left off, I thought I could get it back, that I needed it back. However, I now realize I don't really need it, in fact the idea of getting back to where we were in the past is something that's no longer connected to who I am.

"We need to talk," I say the common words with a steady voice, not betraying my thoughts for the first time since she returned.

Kate chuckles bitterly. "You think I don't know?" She asks flatly. "From the moment I got back I knew something was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew it. But when I saw you two together everything became clear; the puzzle finally making sense, why you were acting so… stiff around me."

"You left for three fucking years," I raise my voice, the anger making me sarcastic, "and now you're surprised to find me different? Did you actually think I would stop living just because you were gone? That I would freeze in time, eagerly waiting for you to return?"

"I never stopped you from living your life while I was away. That's why I said we should put a pause to it." Kate's words are starting to sound like accusations, her eyes blazing with fury. "I knew you would have your flings. But I never thought I would get back to find my place seized by someone else!"

I breathe out frustrated. "She is not taking your place," I assure glaring at her, annoyed that she would even consider something like that, "Delphine has a place of her own!"

"Oh… how good to know!" Kate says with bitter irony, starting to pace, her eyes gaining and losing focus on me. "What's your solution then, Cosima? How does this fit in that head of yours, huh? Do you think I'll agree to… Ohhh, never mind me! How do you think the French flower is gonna react to that? Do you think she'll be okay with sharing your attention with me?"

I'm already shaking my head. "She doesn't need to worry about that." I say low, my stare no longer following her roaming, instead it's down, fixed on my hands, searching for the rings that are not there to help me ground myself. "The place I had for you, Kate… is no longer there… it disappeared. I thought I could get it back when you returned, but…"

"I can't believe you're saying that!" She blurts before I'm even done, stopped in her tracks and shaking her head in disappointment. "After everything we've been… after everything I've done for you!"

"You think I don't know that?" I bite back with a tone she's not familiar with and that makes her open her eyes wide in my direction. "Even if I could somehow forget it, you make a point of reminding me! Every day! How do you think that makes me feel, Kate? Do you think I enjoy having that thrown at my face on regular basis?"

"Geez… I'm sorry that I've made the mistake of helping you when you needed…" She says, her right hand over her chest in mocking regret. "Remind never to do it again."

"Please Kate… It doesn't have to be like this…" I try to approach her, to somehow calm her down, but she moves away and keeps the distance between us.

She shakes her head vigorously, a sour smile on her lips as she regards me with a raised brow. Suddenly she's on the move, quickly grabbing her purse and helmet and going to the door, throwing a "I can't deal with this right now!" over her shoulder.

She closes the door with an angry slam and I whisper a "fuck!", my hands going to my forehead as the reality of what just happened sinks in. It was not my intention. I didn't wake up today thinking it would be a good day to do this. I mean: I knew I had to do it one of these days, I just didn't think it would be today, not now when I'm barely feeling capable of holding a conversation, let alone one like that. I wanted to ease into things with Kate because she is right about one thing: I do owe her a lot. If it wasn't for her I really don't know where I would be. She deserved that much.

Also, I don't know what I'm gonna do next. I wanted to have a plan once I finally talked with her, an exit strategy of sorts. It was not supposed to be like this, but maybe I was just kidding myself. It would never be easy.

It had to be done though, there was no way around it. I made Delphine a promise and had full intention to keep it. I don't have a history of making promises, they're rare and usually come with much thought behind them. However, I have to admit, this was the one that came the easiest. It didn't take much consideration to reach the conclusion that Delphine is what I want. In fact, in a way I've always known and I've simply avoided what just happened. Stupid, really. Maybe I was just being a coward; I've always hated these sort of conversations, confrontations make me feel uneasy and is something I try to keep away for as long as possible, if I can't dodge them altogether.

But this time was even harder, my inertia about breaking things up with Kate came from a much darker place. This is probably why I fought it for so long, going to the extreme of trying to drive Delphine away in a foolish belief that her presence was the root of my problems.

I was wrong. Although there's no denying that Delphine was the trigger, the instant she entered my life there was very little I could do. The fact that she so easily gained entrance in my heart was because there had to be room for her. I denied it. God, did I try! Perhaps in the same way she did in the beginning. For different reasons, of course, but the methods I used were the same and I'm convinced that both our quests were done with the same goal in mind.

Useless, all of it. A stupid waste of time. Time that now is a precious commodity I cannot afford. I should've prepared for this. I always knew this would be where we'd end up. And she's right: she doesn't deserve it, none of it.  _Crap! Why couldn't I just stay still?_

I finish getting ready and step outside, careful about locking the door and search for the scooter keys in my bag. But when I turn around I notice it isn't where I usually park it and comes back to my mind that I've left it on the campus parking lot. Walking there is out of the question; it's a 45 minute walk and I'm already late as it is, so the only solution left is to call the cab company and wait for my ride.

I was reticent about buying the scooter, Kate insisting she could drive me to campus since she got back - after all it was on her way to work - and before that my friend Jen always made a little detour to pick me up. But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made in recent history. I'd been thinking about it for quite some time, but it was Delphine's… displeasure about the whole situation that gave me that last push. I'd actually forgotten how it felt to be free to go anywhere I want, any time I see fit.

The morning classes seem to take longer than normal, even though I end up missing the first one, which didn't sit too well with the professor - in a seven students meeting, your absence will stick out like a sore thumb. It's not quite time for lunch when I find myself walking in the library's direction, a smile on my lips as I remember I hadn't left all that long ago. I carried the traces of our experience, as we weirdly giggled among ourselves to the astonishment of the night guard, who regarded us with silent curiosity. It had been so long since I've let myself act so carelessly, like there's truly nothing to worry about, like there's really nothing pinning me down to the ground; so long that I had actually forgotten how good it feels, how it helps me breathe easier, lighter. And to think that last night was just a sneak peek, one of many Delphine has allowed me to experience these last few weeks.

To have her was great. I reveled in finally being able to touch her without feeling like I needed to carefully measure my every movement, or live in fear that she would suddenly realize she no longer wanted it. I no longer feared that she'd change her mind, calling it a mistake. Yes, that was all amazing. Much better than I've ever dared dream. But what really caught me by surprise were that these little moments with her could be just as good; that Delphine could be as enthralling in everyday conversations as she was when she was the target of more… energetic attention.

I know that these days could not have been easy for Delphine, I didn't particularly enjoyed them either. It took all my self control not to pull her close to me when she was so clearly vulnerable to my advances, when her defenses had been down. But I knew she would eventually end up regretting it, so I let it go. It's my intention to make sure the next step we take will be a determined one, steady with solid ground beneath us, that there will be no reason to backtrack like it has happened between us, time and time again. Frankly, I don't think neither of us could possibly handle another misstep.

However, this period of time had also given me the opportunity to cherish Delphine's little quirks, like the one I'm seeing right now. I've made a priority to already be in the library when she arrives - thus justifying my rushed lunches. It's totally worth it, just to see her arrive, hugging her books, like I've seen so many times before. The difference is that now Delphine no longer chooses a lonely desk. Instead, her eyes immediately go to where she knows I'm expecting her, meeting my gaze with a captivating smile that warms my face. Without missing a beat, her eyes give a quick once over to the librarian to give her a polite head nod and walks in my direction, with her head dipped a little, but not entirely concealing her smile.

"Bonjour, Cosima." These are always the first words she speaks, always whispered, always with the smile growing as she seats in front of me, in an image I'll gladly live over and over again. "How are you feeling?"

I give her a lopsided grin. "Like my head plotted its revenge during the night and is now making me pay," I answer her and she stifles a chuckle.

"It was just a bottle of wine," Delphine teases and stops for a moment her search for the right page on her book to eye me careful.

"Yeah… but add that little sleep and I'm a mess." I leave it at that, not wanting to extend the conversation while we're surrounded by so many curious eyes.

Her expression softens and she nods in understanding with how I'm feeling. Then we quiet down and Delphine seems to give her full attention to her studies and usually I would do the same, but the thoughts bouncing around in my brain won't let me. Still, I keep my eyes on the random page of the book in front of me, more often than not they move to her, while I distractedly wonder if Delphine knows that she keeps moving her lips when she stops to read what she just wrote. Sometimes she catches me staring and gives me that same small smile, which I eagerly return, before I unenthusiastically turn the page left unread. If she notices my absentmindedness, she says nothing; just continues trying to make sense of her textbook.

It's not until we're walking down the hallway to the lab, that she gently places her hand over my elbow to get my attention. "Did you get home alright last night?" She asks, looking directly at me, her eyes soft but there's a hint of concern in the lines surrounding them.

I shift a little, my body instinctively looking for hers, even if her hand on my arm is just marking a presence and smile at her. "Apart for the slight dizziness? Yeah, I managed to find my way to the closest bed… well, couch really."

She raises an amused eyebrow. "That explains it then," Delphine comments in a low voice, while we continue to walk.

"What does?"

"You seem distracted," she offers. "But if you spent the night on the couch, I can't say I'm surprised."

I graze my teeth on my bottom lip a few times, my eyes moving to her for brief moments and going back to the students populating the hallway, not really focusing on anything. "My morning was not spectacularly great either," I finally say when we reach the door for the lab and stop so she can find the keycard.

Delphine's hand stops midway in the motion to pass the card over the lock. "Is everything okay?" And now the concern lines are a lot more visible as her eyes search for mine.

"Yeah… yeah…" I answer her, waving my hands between us. "Just… hmmm… you know how sometimes life has a way of catching up to you?"

She twists her nose, confused and pushes the door open, holding it steady for me to step inside. "How so?" Delphine asks and it doesn't take an experienced detective to notice her scared expression as she carefully forms the question.

"I mean… is not necessarily something… like… a bad thing," I start to babble, my hands clumsily adjusting my glasses, "but you know… just like surprise! Right?"

The tension on her shoulders deflate noticeably and I can see a little smile on her lips. "Yes, life has the annoying habit of doing that."

Delphine lets the door close but doesn't move away from it, nibbling her lower lip like she always does when she's deciding whether to move forward, she raises her hand to cup my cheek. But this time I don't have it in me to wait for her to make up her mind and I close the distance between us, breathing in her air, letting her warmth engulf me and blurry everything around us.

"Are you two joking?" The austere female voice comes from the other end of the lab. "Is that what you've been doing with your lab hours?"

I pull away from Delphine before we make any sort of meaningful contact as I feel her hand quickly move away from my face. We turn in Dr. Ford's direction and find her gaping, unamused. She takes her time glancing between us with a glare as she retains her severe posture. I can hear Delphine swallow hard next to me and it enters my mind that the early meetings she had with the professor were anything but pleasant.

"At least we made it, right?" I say tentatively, giving a step forward and wincing at myself as I see that Dr. Ford is not finding any sort of humor in this.

An awkward silence settles in and I have half a mind to ask the older woman what is she doing here if I wasn't positive that it would come across as reckless after what she just witnessed. So I follow Delphine's example and move to my desk, staying much closer to Dr. Ford than I care for. She eyes me with a raised brow and remains silent, perhaps waiting to see if we have anything to say in our defense. However, neither one of us dares to open our mouths in explanation and the silence extends way beyond what would be considered reasonable by anyone.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Dr. Ford snaps when neither of us move, faces frozen staring at her. "Get to work!"

Like two athletes waiting for the pistol to go off, Delphine and I move quickly from where we're standing and make a dash for the fridge, barely stopping to exchange wary looks on our attack for what we need. We work in silence under the scrutinizing gaze of Dr. Ford, who after a few minutes starts to walk around only to stop behind me, peering over my shoulder and then to my side, casually flipping the pages of my notebook.

"Glad to see you've improved your record keeping," she observes in a softer voice. I dare look at her and try a grin. "Barely," she adds rapidly and my self-satisfied smirk vanishes.

Content with it, Dr. Ford leaves my side and walks in Delphine's direction. From the corner of my eye I notice her giving the blonde the same treatment and from a distance, I can feel Delphine's nervousness.

"You seem to be stuck," Dr. Ford's voice travels to my side of the lab. "I hope I haven't made a mistake in taking you in."

"I… I know," Delphine answers slowly, then I hear her clear her voice, as if she's gathering the nerve for her next words. "I've actually been thinking about making some changes or… hmmm… start all over even."

Hearing this I pause and look at them, Delphine quickly finding my eyes and I try to give her a reassuring smile, but she seems too worked up for it to be effective.

"This far into the project?" I can't see the professor's expression since she has her back to me, but she sounds more surprised than upset.

"Well… like you said, I'm stuck!" Delphine explains, her gaze steady on Dr. Ford with fiery determination. "And I did submit two research proposals."

"Let me see if I understand what you're saying," the older woman's right hand is raised. "You want to abandon your primary submission and start fresh with the other?"

Delphine's biting her lower lip and nodding slowly. "I started to work on this under another direction and Dr. Coleman's expectations were… a little different."

"A little lower, you mean." The professor corrects her, the right hand lowers to the top of the desk and Dr. Ford doesn't seem as tense. "Fine!" She concedes. "Redo your draft of the minor proposal and we'll go over it."

Delphine exhales a relieved sigh and nods again so energetically that her face is framed by blonde curls bouncing up and down. I'm fully turned to them, a smile on my lips, pleased to see that Delphine is once again able to surprise me by, not only swallowing her fears, but facing them head on. I'm so distracted that I don't notice Dr. Ford turning back around and give me an ugly look.

"What are you looking at, Niehaus?" She says louder and my eyes immediately go to her. "Get back to work! Both of you." She's trying to maintain her severe tone, but I can see the little glint in her eyes...she's not nearly as pissed as she'd have us believe.

Delphine and I have finally stored our things when the professor calls back for our attention, after spending the remaining of the time quietly observing us working.

"I'll need a TA for my undergrad Developmental Biology next semester," she informs, her eyes moving between us. "So, with that in mind, I'd like both of you to present me with a draft for the class program and I'll decide which of you will have the honor."

I feel Delphine's eyes on me and I look back, matching her open stare, while I hear in the background Dr. Ford leave without another word and the door close.

"Hmm… being her slave for an entire semester," I venture when we're alone. "Ohhh… what an honor!"

Delphine laughs softly and turns to face me. "Does that mean you're not going to try?"

I grin at her. "Oh… no, no, no… you're on, Cormier!"

She squints, but the corners of her lips are slightly curled up, her hands settle on my hips as she pulls me closer. Her eyes are a kaleidoscope of browns, greens and gold fixed on mine in a sort of predatory gaze that makes my body hum and lean into her touch. She's never failed to affect me with little effort; her presence is something I didn't know I needed until I got it.

It's true that at first I'd misread what she meant to me. I thought the pull she had on me was due to the type of resistance she offered me, pushing me away, but somehow never keeping me too far. Looking back I don't think I missed the mark by much: I honestly believe she did want to be conquered, that she was waiting for me to give her a good enough reason to crack. Of course, I see now that I have monumentally failed in that department, but I'm solely to blame for that. Convinced that what I wanted from her was the thrill of the chase and nothing else, I pushed too much too fast until she finally caved in, but not in the way I thought she would. It was not until I realized that I needed Delphine more than I wanted her, that my world turned upside down.

Without the tools to deal with such a situation, I repressed what my heart was screaming for and turned on her. Kate's return had felt like a sign, when in reality it only made it worse. It made me blind to the obvious: Delphine was finally taking determined steps in my direction.

But not anymore. I refuse to let this go downhill again. So I let my arms slide between hers, clutching her waist tightly, my head starting to spin with the exhilaration of hearing Delphine catch her breath with a hiss. My eyes abandoned hers only to rest on perfect pink lips, that she wets with her tongue peeking out and I feel a groan climbing my chest. I close the distance in a quick rise to my toes and feel her arms embracing me, her surprisingly strong hands skid smoothly from my hips to my lower back and pull me in. For all the defenses she put up at first, Delphine turns out to be an honest lover. She never misses an opportunity to make me feel wanted; she's not the type to make me be overly affectionate in order to touch her. She doesn't need reverent words softly spoken against the shell of her ear to allow me to reach for her, to extract every bit of pleasure I can from her. Delphine's lips are always softly on mine, but the force behind the gentleness is ever present. Frankly, she kisses like she is guiding me to her slowly, pulling me in until I'm completely immersed in her and my body is an extension of my lips, merging into hers.

Then it stops, her hands reach my cheek and she pushes me with not enough strength to feel like a real attempt at separating us. But I know that's what she needs and let her rest her forehead against mine, both our breathings coming out in strangled puffs.

"Sorry…" She whispers, her eyes closed.

I grin to myself. "Yeah… that was totally awful."

Delphine chuckles and I join her, our eyes meet and I feel my heart swell. How could I ever thought of not having this?

Her thumb is gently brushing my cheek and she opens her mouth to say something, but it's interrupted by my phone announcing a new text. Quickly her eyes go to where my purse is still hanging on the back of a chair and then back to me. I see it clearly, the change in her, Delphine's body tenses still under my fingers, which she's fast to push away.

I allow her some distance, but hold her wrist softly and when she doesn't jerk it free, I slide my hand until our fingers slot together. "I haven't forgotten about my promise, Delphine," I squeeze her hand as I speak. "But you're gonna have to trust me a little, okay?"

She breaths out and nods but, after she holds my hand a little tighter, moves away and goes for her things. I do the same, not wanting to read the text in her presence, I just follow her outside. This time she doesn't accompany me to the parking lot; there's no long talk before I drive away with a huge grin on my face. I can't blame her, really. I'm asking her to trust me after everything that has happened and even though I do believe she does, I also understand that that trust has its limits. Delphine has shown an immense amount of patience with me, there's very little I can ask more of her.

When I reach the scooter, my eyes locked on Delphine walking away, I blindly search for the phone on my bag. Contrary to what I thought, it's not Kate who texted me, but Jen.  _'She's hysterical! What have you done?'_  I roll my eyes as I read it. I don't know what was Kate thinking, using my friend to do her dirty work. It's no secret that Jen's not the best person for the job; not by a long shot.

I call my friend and agree to meet her for dinner, assuring her  _that no, I won't bring Kate with me._  We meet at her place, since her mother is working tonight and we could use the privacy. Not wishing to stop by the house, I take the free time to get a few carrots and onions Jen asked me to, strolling down the aisles of the shop to kill time.

"What the fuck happened?" Is the greeting I receive when I arrive.

I cross the door and hand her the small paper bag all wrinkled from being stuffed carelessly in the seat compartment. "Good evening to you too."

"Yeah, yeah… good evening!" Jen says, closing the door and leading the way to the kitchen where she already has a pot filled with water boiling. "Now, why did Kate call me, all sobbing and shit?"

My heart sinks slightly. "She did?" I ask in a low voice.

Jen stops taking the things I've brought from the bag and looks at me. "Don't let her pull you back, Cos," she says with a hard expression. "That's exactly what she wants with this little display of hers."

I twist my lips. "I thought you didn't know what happened?"

She shrugs and gets back to work, slicing the onions. "I manage to decipher a few words through all the crying." Jen pauses to put the dry pasta on the water. "I don't know exactly what happened, but I imagine you finally gained some sense."

I take the knife she's dangerously waggling in front of me and start to work on the carrots. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She puffs out and glares at me. "Really?! C'mon, Cos. She's had you wrapped around her fingers," Jen says while moving to the fridge and taking out a bottle of wine.

I wince at the sight of it. "None for me, thanks!"

My friend raises her brow and puts the bottle back in the fridge. "Okay… that's a first," she inspects me closely. "What's gotten into you?"

"Still recovering," I say, tossing the cut carrots in the brewing stew.

"From last night…" she says with a cunning smile, "when Kate wasn't with you…"

I groan and my hand raises to my face. "It isn't like that."

"It's the French one, right?" She asks with a wide grin and I say nothing, but avert her gaze. "I knew it! Since you asked me to join you for dinner… That was a lot of effort to put in just for a one night thing."

"I still have to work things out with Kate, you know that," I say, but Jen's hardly listening while she shakes her head dismissively.

"Yeah, yeah… I know," she mumbles and then turns to face me. "Whatever you need to get out of this guilt trip you're on."

"On that note," I began cautiously. "You think your mother would mind if I spend the night?"

"As long as you don't drool on the couch!"


	44. Second Chances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> firstly I would like to thank my beta, Cophine, for continuing to do such an amazing job.
> 
> Secondly, I would like to apologize for the long wait to an update. I had started this chapter a while ago, but found myself stuck in the little details and couldn't really move forward. Also, there was the issue with the story I published between chapters (if you haven't read it and feel inclined to do so, go check it out – amazingly, it's actually complete!).
> 
> Finally, thank you for the persistent support (and necessary kicks in the ass) from all of you. In doing so, you push me forward to write. :D

What could've been interpreted as gesture of weakness felt like something natural. I shouldn't have kissed Cosima, it collided with the decision that took a lot of effort to keep and, more importantly, I should be deeply upset to have let it happen. Yet, I'm not; for two very simple reasons. One, we didn't let it happen again. While we loosened our inhibition in our interactions, and touches become more intimate, there was a line we did not cross. It became obvious that Cosima is aware of my resistance and she doesn't push it. Also, and maybe because of that, it's clear to me that I need to trust her. Cosima seems to be at peace with our agreement and has decided to follow my lead.

On the other hand, I sense her unease. She is full of nervous energy, more restless than usual, and has become distracted. One moment we're calmly talking, but then she stops suddenly and retreats into her own mind, captured by her thoughts. It's not that I don't care, that it doesn't worry me, but I have so much on my mind that, in name of self-preservation, I allow her the peace and don't press to discover what's on her mind just yet.

Between classes, lab time, redefining my proposal, and work on the classes Dr. Ford has requested, I hardly have time to worry about anything at all. It's made worse by the annoying fact that the work I'm developing in the lab might be for nothing. I must continue to work on my original project, hoping she gives her approval to the new one. Even with that notion I still give my best, but it's hard to work on something I no longer believe in.

This is why I'm determined to tackle one problem at a time.

Thankfully, the fear that I might be stuck with my original project don't last long. Friday, instead of leaving the lab with Cosima - a ritual that's been only interrupted once because I had foolishly thought we'd regressed - I go to Dr. Ford's office to deliver my new proposal.

I sit in silence as she reads it, responding to the questions she poses during the reading, fidgeting nervously with the fabric of my scarf. The professor puts down the proposal and looks at me with a serious expression, her chin supported by the palm of her hand.

"This is what you want to do?" Dr. Ford asks, a finger of her free hand tapping the printed paper.

"Yes," I nod while struggling with my voice, willing it to stay steady.

"Then why didn't you make this your main project?" I can see she's upset. Afraid that I might say something she won't like, limit myself to a shrug. "You don't know or are you afraid to admit it?" Her tone gaining an accusatory edge.

I begin to open my mouth to, at the very least, try to defend myself, but, as it's her habit, Dr. Ford raises her hand to stop me. "You played it safe!" She answers in my stead, her eyes fixed on mine. "What I'm questioning is if you chose the easiest path because you wanted to take advantage of it or if you thought you didn't have it in you to attempt something more daring," she continues to analyze me. "And, no matter which of the cases is true, both of them present serious problems that need solving."

"The truth is, Dr. Ford, I can't answer that," I gather the courage after a deep breath. "But this is what I want now and that should count for something!"

"Does it?" She raises her brows, slight amusement dancing in her eyes. "And the fact that it took you this long to decide? Doesn't that count as well?"

I lower my head, suddenly feeling very small. "I suppose it does," I admit in a little voice, slowly nodding.

"Let this serve as a lesson," I hear her saying, my head still dipped and my heart sinking to my stomach. "In real life you very rarely get a second chance, so you better make your first one count."

"I understand," I say, my voice not much more than a whisper.

"You've lost precious time with that project already," Dr. Ford then says. "I hope you still have enough time to carry out this one until the end. In fact, you better find a way, because I don't tolerate failure." I raise my head and see the determination in her stare. "But you must know that by now," she adds with something that I would call a smile if it wasn't for the fire in her eyes.

"Oui… yes," I agree fast before she changes her mind. "Thank you, Dr. Ford! I promise I won't…"

"Yes, yes…" the professor waves her hand, dismissively. "Get out of here!" She says in a raspy voice, but with a hint of a smile on her lips.

I fight to keep a straight face as I get up and pick up my bag. My hand is grasping the doorknob when she speaks again. "Delphine," she calls and I turn around. "Don't forget the class program… end of next week!" The professor is warns me from her seat and I nod again, before turning my back on her and open the door. "One more thing," she says when I already have a foot outside, but stop and turn my head to her, "no making out in my lab, got it?"

I feel the heat of my blush and my hands bro clammy. "I… hmm… yeah… yes!" I close the door behind me quickly and I swear I can hear the professor laugh right after it.

I'm still flustered when I get home, fumbling the key into the lock.

"So… did she go for it?" Olivia asks when I finally manage to get in.

"She did!" I answer removing my shoes and placing them neatly by the front door. "Not without giving me a lecture about responsibility, though."

"You probably deserve it," my friend says, sitting on the couch and reaching for the remote. "Now, the only thing you have left to is start all over again."

I snort and sit next to her. "Right! Easy."

"Maybe Cosima can help you," Olivia says and I can hear the smile on her voice.

"She's an enemy in this, not an ally," I joke, half distracted by whatever show is on TV.

"Sleeping with the enemy then, are we?" My roommate chuckles, her resting on my shoulder.

"We're not sleeping together," I inform her lightly.

"Yet!" She says fast, then raises her head to look straight at me and I move my head to meet her eyes, feeling her stare. "Or not anymore… or both…" she shakes her head. "Damn! You two are too fucking complex for a Friday night," she decides.

I roll my eyes playfully and throw my head back. "Tell me about it…"

"When is that gonna end, by the way?" My friend asks, her head back to my shoulder.

I take a deep breath. "Soon, I hope."

"Should we discuss again the advantages of… hmm…" her wrist rotating in front of us, "self-pleasuring?"

"I'm good, thanks!" I manage to say between chuckles.

Saturday morning I wake up with a text from Cosima. "Plans for today?"

I'm smiling even before my eyes are fully open and properly awake. Slow fingers tap on the screen as I write my answer: "working on the class programs...as should you." I set the phone on the pillow next to my head and pull the covers closer to me, allowing a few more minutes of comfortable warmth, my eyes still feeling heavy and my brain starts to drift back to sleep. I don't quite reach it though, the phone vibrating with Cosima's reply. "Nope! I'm picking you up in an hour." And I could see her rolling her eyes as she read my text and the grin on her lips as she answered.

I give a half-hearted groan, but at the same time, feel my heat starting to beat faster with the prospect of seeing Cosima. It really doesn't matter how comfortable I am burrowed under my covers, in no time I'm pushing them back and headed to the bathroom. The hot shower wakes me up completely, and I meander back to my bedroom, a towel wrapped around my body, vapor rising over my skin from the hot water. Olivia appears to sleep through the noise, her bedroom door remaining closed.

I return to the bathroom to tame my hair, dressed in warm corduroy pants and a black tank top, when my roommate knocks on the door.

I open it. "Bonjour, Olivia!" I greet my sleepy friend.

"Aren't you cold?" She asks, eyeing me with quick blinking eyes.

"Still warm from the shower," I answer, giving up on my hair entirely and deciding to tie it up in a messy ponytail.

"Going somewhere?" Olivia shuffles into the bathroom and pushes her way between me and the sink, opening the tap to splash some cold water to her face.

"I guess…" I say and when her stare meets mine on the mirror and I add, "Cosima's picking me up."

Olivia hums and before she has time to make an observation, I escape the small room, closing the door to give her some privacy, and walk to the kitchen. Olivia joins me in time to steal a piece of my toast as they pop up, generously spreading jelly on it.

"So… I shouldn't count on you for lunch?" She asks around a mouthful of toast.

"Probably not," I say and watch her twitching her nose. "What's wrong? I thought this is what you wanted."

She watches me carefully. "Do you know how are things between her and Kate?" I drop my gaze and that's enough of an answer for my friend. "I just…" she breaths out, "I don't want you to… you know… get hurt."

"Cosima says she's taking care of it," I tell her, but keep my head down, suddenly very interested in my breakfast.

"Hmm… and you trust that?" Olivia asks, her voice gentle, obviously not wanting to upset me.

"What other option do I have, Olivia?" I reply, raising my eyes to meet hers.

"Okay…" she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. "I'm just looking out for you. You know that, right?""

"I know, I know…" I nod and place a hand on her upper arm. "And I thank you, but I think I can deal with this. We're in a better place now. I know that something has changed… between Cosima and I."

Olivia raises her brow. "You think she's already made up her mind?"

I try to stay cautious, the same way I've been the last few days, but I can't help it. Cosima has been different, for the better. Even when we were not fighting there was always some sort of resentment in her gaze, a hint of defiance every time she looked at me, but now… Our interactions have become natural, fluid, and deep down I can feel that something in her has changed. "Yes, believe so," I admit aloud.

"What makes you say that?"

I shrug, "I don't know… it's just a feeling."

We're interrupted by the doorbell and a smile comes immediately to my lips. I still hear my friend laugh at how quickly I move for the door, and turn around to glare and aim a finger in her direction, to which Olivia raises her arms in surrender.

Waiting by the door I see Cosima getting out of the elevator and smile widely when our eyes meet.

"Hi," Cosima says in a low voice with her tongue peeking between her teeth, as she reaches me.

"Allô." I simply say and make room for her to step inside along with the big black bag she's carrying. "You know… you don't have to bring me something every time you come by," I comment, watching her place it on the couch.

She turns and frowns her brows. "Who said this is for you?"

"Oh…" my eyes moving away from the bag and I feel a blush coloring my cheeks.

"Yeah… oh…" she grins, as she approaches me. "You are too cute," Cosima whispers, wrapping her arms around my waist.

My smile doesn't have time to fully form before we're interrupted by Olivia's voice. "She is, isn't she?" My roommate announces herself loudly.

Despite the surprise company, Cosima doesn't immediately drop her arms from my waist. Instead, she simply turns her head in Olivia's direction. "Olivia! You look…" she stops and laughs. "Like you just got out of bed."

My friend grins. "We did... After a night of passionate lovemaking."

"You don't say?" Cosima answers lightly, but she pulls me closer. "I was convinced you two had broken up."

"Delphine tried to stay away," Olivia continues as she moves around us, in the way to her bedroom. "But I guess I'm just irresistible," she says just before she closes the door.

My eyes follow her the entire time, with quick glances in Cosima's direction, who clearly realizes my friend is just kidding, but doesn't quite enjoy the joke.

"I didn't think I had competition," Cosima observes with a raised brow when my stare meets hers.

I give a little laugh. "What can I say?" My arms move to the top of her shoulders. "Olivia just has an undeniable charm."

She narrows her eyes, looking straight at me and biting the inside of her lower lip. "Well… I was gonna say something," she relaxes her embrace, but doesn't release me completely, "but I don't want to come between the two of you."

I open my eyes wide and the smile that's permanently on my lips when I'm near Cosima grows. "You were?" I ask lowly.

She nods and grins in that ridiculous slyly way, however she steps back and we lose contact. "C'mon! I'm taking you away from my competition," Cosima jokes as she reaches for the abandoned bag.

The gleam of playfulness in her chocolate brown eyes glows brighter when she reveals a painfully bright pink helmet from the bag and extends it in my direction. My eyes reluctantly leave her face and take in the offending head gear while I clench my jaw to keep from smiling, trying to maintain the offended facade as I look at her again with a frown.

"You've got to be joking," I say with a mocked severe tone.

Meanwhile, Cosima continues to grin, obviously not fooled. "What, you don't like it?" She asks, the neon eyesore in her hand waving about as she shoves it my way, encouraging me to take it. My glare is steady and she starts to laugh quietly. "You're beyond lucky I ran out of barbie stickers, otherwise…"

"And you expect me to wear this?" My fingers point to the thing, but I refuse to touch it.

She steps into my private space and pushes the helmet into my stomach. "You were the one who expressed concerns about safety," she comments casually with a rise of her shoulders, poking the helmet against my belly.

Unconvinced, I take it and turn it this way and that with an inspective gaze. Holding it with one hand, I release my curls and put the helmet over my head. It's a tight fit and I feel the cushions pressing against my cheeks, hoping it doesn't look as silly as it feels on my head, but the giggles Cosima is failing to suppress only confirm my fears. Immediately I raise my hands to remove the source of my humiliation, but Cosima quickly captures my wrists and shakes her head.

"No, no, no…" she reprimands between chuckles, bringing my hands down, not moved by the pleading look on my face.

I don't fight her grasp, and she smiles, her eyes bright with palpable enthusiasm. She seems so relaxed, a freedom in her movements. The nervous energy I've seen the last few days apparently well behind her and the Cosima standing before me is like none I've ever seen. She has been playful and charming before, but this feels different. She's open, unreserved; the phantom shackles which have been holding her seemingly removed and Cosima's shining brighter than ever before.

"You seem very excited," I comment with a tiny smile on my lips.

The grip on my wrists loosen until the only thing she's actually doing is smoothly running her fingers up and down my forearm. "Why shouldn't I be? I'm about to take you to lunch in the best place in town."

I raise my brow and look down myself. "Should I change into something more…"

Cosima shaking her head, stops me. "No, no… nothing like that," she informs me. "But you should put a warmer shirt, it's kinda cold outside."

Confused, I look at her and notice she's no more formally dressed than I am: just a wool shirt painted with patterns of browns and dark yellows and a burgundy skirt that goes all the way down to her ankles, narrow on her hips but widening along its length. So I nod and take of the helmet off, handing it to her as her smile falters, her lips forming a small pout while she places the it on the couch behind her. Chuckling, my fingers smooth the waves of my hair, now completely untamed after being crushed inside the security attire.

"Do you want me to get dressed or not?" I ask defiantly, my eyes finding hers again.

Cosima smirks. "That's a trick question, right?"

In the past I might've resisted. I would've used all my inner strength to fight my most basic instincts. And torn myself apart to keep from drowning in Cosima and the enticing promises of warmth in her eyes, the magnetic call of her body. But that was when I didn't know any better, when I didn't realize what she could offer, when I didn't even know myself and struggled against every fiber of my being not to become the person I truly am.

This is why I reach for her, pulling her to me and breaking my own rule. Kissing Cosima is a conscious act; it's something I do knowingly, not only because I can't resist her, but because it is what I want, the only thing I yearn for and she makes it so easy for me to just give in. My doubts now seem fabricated, a way to rationalize my fear. And, in truth, that was all it was: my feelings for Cosima grew deeper with time and the affection took root within me with every interaction we had, but to deny our initial attraction is not only foolish, it would be the biggest lie I'd ever told myself. Now, feeling Cosima so quickly, so naturally respond to me, her lips softly receiving mine, I can't imagine what frightened me, why I denied myself... this. And when I pull back it's her mouth that seeks something deeper. Of course, lacking the clarity I have now, those fears were justified. I'm not the first person to fear the unknown, from blazing a path to an ambiguous destination. I'm certain I won't be the last either, but I can't help feeling foolish.

Cosima's body is the perfect extension of her personality. She draws me in, her arms raise to my shoulders and she leans on me until we're pressed against each other. It's now that I realize just how much I missed her, even though I was able to live for so long - too long - without this, how I misjudged and downplayed the impact she has on me. My body's reaction to her is too furious for me to contain and I crave more, eagerly seeking it with arms moving lower, one wrapping around her waist to tug her to me, and the other sliding along her back to rest on her backside, pulling her up to help her rise to my level. She groans against my lips before her tongue glides inside and thoroughly explores with smooth brushes.

As it so often happens with Cosima, what has started as something light quickly develops into something more, and I feel one of her hands leaving the back of my neck to urgently yank the tank top from my trousers to graze the skin of my lower back. Her thigh slides between my legs and, with intent, flexes up. My hips rock forward and I trap her small frame between my body and the back of the couch. The warmth which started in the pit of my stomach spreads lower and my hand that has been pulling her by the ass, slides to the joint of her buttock and thigh, encouraging Cosima to raise it higher for better contact.

"Damn, Delphine," Cosima moans when her lips leave mine and seek the expanse of skin on my neck, her tongue gliding along it and her mouth opens to gently suck on my pulse point.

I'm panting, head thrown back to give her access, blissfully lost in the feeling of her tender flesh against my skin, my eyes closed and my body grinding to meet her leg. The same urgency she showed when freeing my shirt is obvious while her hands quickly unbuckle my belt and release the button of my pants. She grasps both sides of the fabric and pulls them apart, the zipper sliding easily under the pressure. Cosima doesn't linger, she doesn't tease, and as soon as she has the space, her hand skims inside, cupping me fully over my panties and my hips propel forward to receive her touch as I dip my head to muffle my groan on the curve of her neck.

Cosima gasps and it doesn't take much thought to know what caused that reaction. The last days have been hard on me and to just be able to feel her touch again has me beyond aroused.

"Oh fuck," she murmurs, spreading kisses over my exposed collarbone. "I missed you too," Cosima whispers, as if she's been reading my mind, her hand retreating enough to drag a single finger the length of my sex. "So much," she groans, feeling my shiver in response.

I grip her neck with my hand curling tightly around it and bring our mouths together, my tongue wasting no time in gaining entrance and the kiss becomes a sloppy exploration. Her finger brushing against my panties not really helping to regain any coherent thought process regarding my actions.

"You have a bedroom, you know?"

Olivia's voice breaks us apart, making our compromising position even more obvious. Fortunately, my back is to her door, but when I turn my head in her direction I can see that it makes no difference, as she inspects us from top to bottom with smirk.

"I could make a joke about the hand down your pants," my friend informs me with a pretentiously raised brow, "but I'm bigger than that."

"Thanks," I say sarcastically, as I fumble to get myself back in order, feeling the blush creeping up.

Cosima doesn't seem the least bit fazed. Instead, she has a shameless smile, but allows me the space to pull myself together, lowering her leg and placing her hands on the back of the couch. When I try to glare at her, Cosima's grin grows and she winks at me while blowing me a kiss. I roll my eyes and try a scolding expression, but I'm too worked up for it to have any real effect. I resort to turning away to face Olivia, who's leaning on the doorframe of her bedroom with a smug expression and arms crossed over her chest.

"Honestly, I thought you'd be gone already," she offers an explanation. "I was not trying to creep, but I guess that explains why everything was so quiet."

"We're just about to leave," I say giving a few steps in my bedroom's direction.

"Yeah, you were ready to do something alright," Olivia teases with a chuckle.

I turn around briefly to look pointedly at her. "And I thought you said you were bigger than that."

"Hey! I am!" I still hear her as I enter my bedroom.

Once inside I take the opportunity to eagerly pull a few deep breaths and will myself to calm down, stopping by the full body mirror attached to the door of my closet, I notice that while at least my fly is closed there's no way I could've hidden the obvious: my lips are swollen and the brightness in my eyes are not exactly natural in a normal state. I chuckle at my reflection and shake my head, raising my fingers to my hair and smooth along my curls as I move to quickly make my bed and find a warm shirt that I pull over my head.

Returning to the living room, the two girls are nowhere to be seen, but I hear their laughter coming from the kitchen. I push the door open and the smell of freshly brewed coffee invites another kind of craving, this one a bit more mundane. Cosima moves towards me and without a word but with a big smile, puts a mug between my hands. It's not a particularly grand gesture, but it's the one that washes away any sort of skepticism I had left about the possibility of a future together with Cosima.


	45. The Method In Her Madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: hello everyone!!! So... very long chapter explains the very long time waiting. Also, I would advise against reading this in your place of employment, but ultimately that decision is up to you.  
> My enormous thanks to Cophine for cleaning up my mess.

The three of us chat, scattered around the kitchen; standing and leaning against the counter or the table, mugs of hot coffee warming our hands. The day has turned cloudy, and as the morning progressed cotton white clouds are accumulating in the sky. Braced against the balcony I can see out the window the fog covering the San Francisco Bay and I don't need to step outside to know that the humidity will do nothing to help me rule my hair, which, I can only imagine, by now looks like a golden mop on top of my head and cascading down my face. Yet, I don't seem to care, pushing it this way and that, with the easy conversation that eventually falls on the subject of my meeting with Dr. Ford.

"Well, that's good news," Cosima says enthusiastically, but with a shade of concern in her eyes. "Do you have enough time to finish it, though?"

I shrug, taking a careful sip of the coffee. "I have to!" My voice determined and steady.

It would accomplish nothing beating myself about the time lost, when I finally found the courage to talk with Dr. Ford about it. I had already given it much thought and I knew what I was getting myself into; aware that time would be a factor. However, that was not enough to dissuade me from doing it, from abandoning my previous work and starting all over again. I think I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather fail while trying to do something I believe in than succeed in something I know that, in the long run, would make me miserable.

"Do you want to do this some other day?" Cosima inquires, with slight disappointment. "If you're too busy, we can…"

I stop her by placing my hand over the one she has on top of the counter. "I think I can spare a Saturday," I tell her with a smile.

"Yeah… Besides, Del gets all testy when she doesn't have small doses of fun," Olivia jokes. "So I'd owe you a solid."

I narrow my eyes in my friend's direction and her reaction is to childishly stick her tongue out, causing me to chuckle, shaking my head. Then I look at Cosima, who has a huge grin, her eyes moving between me and my roommate, amused by our exchange.

"C'mon," I say to the little brunette, the hand I have on top of hers slides up her arm and I pull at it while I place the empty mug in the sink. "I thought you wanted to take me away from her."

This seems to bring her back to life, her hand finds mine and she wraps her arm around my waist, tugging me to her. "Yeah! Put that gorgeous helmet on and let's get going."

Olivia starts to laugh with pleasure. "You mean… that _thing_ on the couch?" She asks between chuckles. "That's for you?" She asks, her hand raising in my direction.

I take an exasperated deep breath and move out the kitchen, Cosima's holds me from behind while we pass the door, her body pressed against my back. "It's great, isn't it?" She still manages to throw over her shoulder.

Just to make her stop, the moment we step into the living room and the kitchen door swings closed, I spin around in her arms and, without further warning, press my lips to hers. Instantly I feel her respond, her body fitting into the slopes of mine, her small form invading every space available, while her arms drag us closer. It's a deep but fugitive kiss and it serves its purpose perfectly.

"Let's go?" I ask in an husky voice, with my lips still close enough to hers to brush with every movement.

Cosima grins, nodding vigorously, and releases me to grab her jacket and that silly helmet from the back of the couch while I get a coat from the rack by the front door. In the ride down the elevator my eyes remain steady on the pink thing in my hands, an obvious discontent frown on my expression, while at the same time I can hear Cosima trying to contain her laughter. My situation doesn't improve when we get to the street and I see the sky blue scooter parked on the sidewalk, Cosima clearly more concern with proximity than to keep up with common sense.

I raise a brow in her direction and wait for an explanation; the annoyance of the helmet forgotten momentarily. Cosima's looking at me, obviously expecting some sort of visible reaction once I saw what she did.

"What?" She asks, shrugging and with a ridiculously innocent look in her. "I couldn't park in second lane," she justifies, her hand aiming at the black sedan that prevented her from parking properly.

The few people who pass by us, slow their pace and give us a dirty look, as Cosima raises the seat to take out her own helmet and slides it over her head, the thick dreadlocks around her neck like a dark brown scarf. With one last glance at my own headgear, I move quickly to put it on, just to get it over with as fast as possible and get away from my front door.

Considering the fact that she's wearing a long skirt, Cosima is incredibly graceful in the way she manages to sit on the motorcycle, scooting forward to give me enough space to settle behind her. With pants, my sitting is not a difficult task and immediately Cosima's body moves back, firmly pressing against mine and I can't believe that even under these circumstances, I can still feel my temperature rising and my hips wiggling lightly to accommodate her warmth.

"Hold on!" Cosima warns, her head spinning backwards and our helmets bump against each other when I stretch my neck to hear her better, not fully aware of the extra space I need to give due to the security gear.

My arms wrap around her waist, tensely pulling Cosima's body close to mine, suddenly very aware that I'm going to let this girl, whose hands never cease their erratic motion, to drive me in a machine that lacks soft cushions should something bad happen. She seems to notice my nerves if the chuckles I feel beneath my hands are any indication.

"Nervous?" Cosima asks in a voice that doesn't even begin to conceal her amusement.

Sensing the impending jokes, I clench my jaw and will myself to swallow the uneasiness. "Non..." I say, but somehow it comes out more like a question than an assertive affirmation.

Cosima shifts her torso so we can see each other eye to eye and gives a calm smile. "Don't be," she encourages in a soft voice, "I won't let anything bad happen to you."

I nod and my body relaxes, sinking more into hers as she looks ahead again and turns the key, bringing the scooter back to life. I know the root of her assurance and why she felt so compelled to give it, but I can't help thinking they could possibly hold a different meaning, something that goes a little deeper than an attempt to calm the ridiculous nervousness I'm feeling caused by the precarious means of our transportation.

Abruptly my mind stops in its tracks and the fear that I'm getting way ahead of myself enters it. Do I honestly think that Cosima would express those same words had she known I would interpret them the way I am? Sure, she seems to finally be at ease around me, not the slightest hint of the struggles we faced in the past in sight and still, the clouds continue to hover over my head, even if Cosima seems to see nothing but a bright blue sky. Maybe she knows something that I don't; Cosima did mention that there was something she wanted to tell me. What that is, I may suspect, but the cautious side of my mind prevents me from going too far, least I find myself incredibly disappointed.

With a sudden jerk, the scooter propels us forward and my brain leaves these considerations to only focus on my instinct to tighten my hold on Cosima's waist. However, apart from the jumpy ride that guide us out of the sidewalk and into the paved street, the ride is smooth. Contrary to my initial fears, Cosima guides us softly along the streets, occasionally, when we stop at a red light, I feel one of her hands leave the handle and rest on top of mine, casually brushing her thumb on my knuckles or intertwine her fingers with mine. This is the longest I've spend with Cosima without sharing a single word, regardless of that fact and probably because of these small gestures, it never feels awkward or forced. It's like she's constantly acknowledging my presence and how welcome she considers it.

Cosima drives us away from the Berkley area, crossing the bay into the mad, San Francisco traffic, easily guiding us along the congested streets. After the first five minutes of our ride, with my body completely relaxed, I actually start to enjoy it, the way I feel it almost fools me into believing we've been doing this for a very long time. It makes me realize how my trust in her goes beyond what would be considered normal for someone who stumbled in my life without warning or much permission.

When we stop in a park near the Golden Gate bridge, the sky is covered by dense white clouds and all around us the fog has thickened, probably caused by the proximity to the water. Undisturbed by this, Cosima's the first to get off the scooter, leaving my body to feeling colder where I don't have her warmth to comfort me any longer. Taking off her helmet, she looks at me with a huge smile, showing me her pointy teeth in a grin that's the perfect example of the playful side of her personality. It's infectious, her cheerful disposition fills my chest with a sense of calmness and I just feel... _happy_. Like really, stupidly happy.

I move my leg and stand next to her, taking my own helmet off and awkwardly not knowing what to do with it. Cosima takes it after she sets hers on top of the seat and places mine next to it.

"We're not going far," she explains, looking up at me, "we can keep an eye on them."

I scan our surroundings, wondering what is she talking about, and spot a street food vender not far from where we parked, a few stone tables around it. Despite the uninviting weather and early hour for lunch, there's already plenty of people near the place, the two servers busy keeping up with the orders.

" _This_ is the best place in town?" I dubiously ask.

Cosima nods with conviction. "This place will blow your mind!" She says enthusiastically, starting to walk in that direction.

I follow close behind, buttoning up my coat and cramming my hands in the pockets. We reach the end of the line with about five people in front of us and stand side-by-side, my body instinctively moving closer to hers, more caused by the cold than anything else. Cosima, however, seems not to be affected by the lower temperatures and humidity in the air, the huge grin plastered on her face.

"So, these guys serve middle eastern food," she informs me in a happy voice. "I really can't pronounce the names of the food, but I can assure you, no matter what you choose, you won't be disappointed."

I stretch my neck to get a look at the menu scribbled on a chalkboard and, as I suspected, nothing seems familiar. I'm not particularly worried though, since the pleasant smells that reach me awakens a hunger I didn't know I was feeling. My gaze goes to Cosima and find her watching me with an expectant expression.

To appease, I smile at her. "I think you'd better order for me, then," I say quietly, my head leaning down closer to hers.

"You trust me that much?" She asks with a spark of mischief in her bright brown eyes.

"I let you drive me here on that death machine, didn't I?" I joke, my hand emerging to aim in the scooter's direction. "Having you picking my food doesn't sound nearly as dangerous."

She laughs hoarsely. "I suppose you have a point there," Cosima agrees, taking a small step forward as the line starts to move.

We stay in a companionable silence for a while; my eyes set on the two cooks working in a fast pace, hearing the sizzling sound the food makes when it hits the hot pan, filling the air around us with delicious aromas. I don't return my hand to my pocket, preferring the occasional brush of Cosima's fingers on mine over the warmth inside my coat. It's not until we move forward once more that I feel her fingers tentatively wrap around mine with nervous little movements. I look down at her and notice her stare straight ahead, but Cosima has a small smile, which, unfortunately, disappears when she catches me looking.

"Is this okay?" She asks in a husky whisper, her eyes moving between my features.

I don't know what Cosima read in my expression to lead her to ask something like that, but I make it my mission to put all her doubts to rest. The hand being held by hers gives a firm squeeze around her fingers and I lower my head to place a gentle kiss on the corner of her lips. For a terrifying moment, I panic; thinking that I've overstepped, but as I feel the soft flesh under my lips curl up in a smile and Cosima move her head so our mouths are in full contact, my mind immediately settles and I let my lips linger on hers a little longer, in a light, sweet exploration. When we part and I open my eyes, I'm faced with a grinning Cosima, her expression one of someone who's pleasantly surprised. It's not until now that I realize this is actually the first time we've exchanged an intimate moment in public, the notion never crossed my mind as it was happening; it just felt like the right thing to do. But it seems that it didn't go unnoticed by Cosima or at least that's the only reason I find to justify her reaction.

"Would you two lovebirds get moving?" A young man chimes in from behind us.

Cosima's hand doesn't leave mine as she takes a few small steps to occupy the space ahead of us. "There's no way around it, Delphine," she says with a soft chuckle. "It seems like today we're cursed to be interrupted."

Just the memory of it is enough to cause a coil in my gut, but the need to pull her closer to me gets pushed aside for now and I settle for the comfort of having her hand wrapped in mine and the heat of her body discreetly leaning against my own. We resume our silence, the line in front of us shortening in regular intervals. When it's our turn to order one of the cooks approaches us with a big smile and places his upper arms on top of the bar in a relaxed posture.

"Cosima! So good to see you lost in these parts!" He greets with surprise, a slight middle eastern accent pressing his words.

"Good to see you too, Ahmed!" She returns in a pleased voice. "I thought it was a good idea to bring Delphine here to expand her gastronomic horizons."

The young man's eyes go to me, he nods and gives a bright smile. "Sure, we can do that," he says, extending his arm over the counter. "Hi, I'm Ahmed."

"Delphine. Nice to meet you," I stretch my own arm and accept his hand for a secure shake.

"If you think it's nice now, wait until you try my food," he quips between chuckles, his eyes narrowing barely as he inspects me closely. "French, huh?" Ahmed then says lightly, his gaze moving to Cosima. "Your father must be so proud."

I raise my brow at Cosima, noticing her small form flinch a little before she looks at me. "French cuisine," she explains with a shrug. "Ahmed started to work with my dad before they run into... culinary differences." She finishes twisting her nose.

"Oh... I don't get into culinary wars," I say, raising my hands in a conciliatory way.

"Good!" Ahmed seems pleased with this turn of events. "So, what can I get you?"

"Why don't you give us a small sample of your best sellers?" Cosima jumps in, her hand leaves mine so she can return to her usual erratic gesturing. "I promised Delphine I would take her to the best place in town, so you better bring your A game."

"Damn, Cosima, I wouldn't mind do that, but..." he pauses, looking behind us at the line that keeps growing. "I have so many customers here."

Cosima's stare follows his and she frowns. "C'mon dude, it's my birthday," she says to my utter astonishment. "I'm sure you can do that. Why don't we do it like this: we're gonna sit down over there," she proposes, her thumb aiming in the direction of the tables, "and you get our food ready in between and call us to pick it up."

Ahmed looks between the two of us, but by the big smile he has I know Cosima has managed to convince him. "Why do you put up with this?" He asks me humorously, obviously unaware of all the problems Cosima and I have to face.

"Because I'm super adorable and you know it!" She answers in my stead with conviction on her voice.

He shakes his head, but the smile remains on his lips. "Go sit down! I'll call you in a bit."

Cosima has a triumphant grin when she looks back at me, her hand in mine again, pulling me in the direction of one of the tables, which stands halfway between the food truck and where she parked the scooter. I trail behind her, with our fingers loosely interlocked, watching her walk with a little skip in her steps, Cosima sits down with one leg on each side of the stone bench, despite her long skirt and motions with her hand for me to sit next to her. Sitting myself properly, with the table in front of me, her arms envelop my waist and her body leans against mine.

"I don't want you to get cold," Cosima says softly, a corner of her lips curling up in half a smirk.

I laugh lightly and raise a hand to her cheek, stroking gently. "You don't need excuses to hold me," I assure her with my lips close to hers. "Especially when it's your birthday. When were you planning on telling me?" I ask quietly.

She shrugs almost imperceptibly. "I don't care much about it, really," Cosima murmurs, her head lowering to my shoulder where she rests her forehead.

Her reaction surprises me a little, although Cosima's not the first person I met who feels that way about it and I chose not to push forward, selfishly wanting to keep this day joyful, even if the birthday girl doesn't feel like celebrating. "But you didn't mind using it to guilt Ahmed into do what you want," I joke in order to lighten the mood.

Cosima moves her head to the side and raises her stare to mine, a small smile on her lips. "I take what I can get," she enters the joke, but her eyes continue to reflect some constraint.

My hand goes to the back of her neck, moving amongst her dreads and settling there, my thumb slowly brushing against her skin while I feel her body rest against mine, her arm still around my torso, squeezing tightly and providing the promised warmth. I feel her breath caress my skin as she continues to hold me firmly. Part of me wants to press for more answers, investigate further and discover the source of the sudden shift in the petite girl's humor, but decide against it. I don't intend to take advantage of her in a moment of clear vulnerability, which she seems to be in now. Instead I choose to provide her with the support she seeks with her arms holding me stiffly and her head resting on top of my shoulder.

Soon we hear her name being called and with a low groan she leaves our embrace to get the food, which she carries back precariously since one of her arms is occupied with our drinks. This repeats itself a few times and while our meal progresses so does Cosima's mood, improving with every new delicacy she brings to us. The food is packed with flavors from the mixture of spices, some of the dishes almost bring tears to my eyes caused by the heat and warrants a few more trips to Ahmed for a refill of our sodas. When we finish our banquet, the table is covered in plastic plates, all shamelessly empty and I feel incredibly satisfied, even if my mouth continues to burn pleasantly after the last dish, the hottest of them all.

When we walk back to the food truck to pay, this time around without anyone else around, since our lunch extended itself well into the afternoon, Ahmed seems pleased with himself and makes me promise to come back soon, to which I happily agree with.

In no time Cosima and I are next to her scooter and a discontent frown returns to my face at the sight of the painfully pink helmet, still where we left it some two hours ago. Perhaps I was secretly hoping someone would pass by it and relieve me of that burden. Seeing my face, Cosima laughs and moves to stand in front of me.

"Considering how wild your hair is right now, the helmet is actually an improvement," she teases, her hand raising to smooth over my curls.

Self-consciously, I hold her wrist and squint at her, but I can feel a smile threatening to break my solemn expression, satisfied to notice Cosima's fully back to her usually playful side. Deliberating pouting, I grab the helmet and stuff it on my head, looking back at her with the best sad expression I can muster while watching the amusement dance in Cosima's gaze.

"Try as you may, you're not gonna succeed in making me feel sorry for you," Cosima's laughs grows, her hands moving to firmly grip my hips and stepping into my personal space. "You're too gorgeous for a silly helmet or a bad hair day to make any difference."

At this I push her face and plant a soundly kiss right in her lips, feeling chuckles bubbling up my chest and Cosima's arms completely wrapping my waist pulling our bodies together.

"Where's the next stop?" I ask still with our noses brushing against each other.

"You'll see," Cosima says casually, pulling away and putting her own helmet over the head. "Your chariot awaits, m'lady," she quips, her arm extended in the scooter's direction. "Too much?"

"Oui… too much," I nod, but move to sit.

We speed away along the coast in a leisurely pace, my arms around Cosima's waist for balance, my chin comfortably resting on her shoulder, while the wind against my face causes my eyes to squint and tear slightly. The traffic is sparse; an uninviting Saturday afternoon for a stroll, the sidewalk is mainly abandoned, only the more determined out for a run. This trip is much faster and not quite twenty minutes pass before Cosima slows us to a stop, ignoring the several places designated for parking and guiding us up the sidewalk, the motor complaining loud from the extra effort. I would say something if the huge grin Cosima gave me as she looks at me, removing her helmet and shaking her dreads free, wasn't completely disarming.

I get off the bike and place my headgear next to hers on the seat, approaching Cosima, who's getting close to a wall that ends around her midsection, the sandy beach ahead of us, waves crashing violently against the shore. She remains with her back to me, her eyes trained in the distance, seemly lost in thought, while my arms encircle her waist from behind, her own arms immediately resting on top of mine and I lean my body against hers, seeking warmth and refuge from the gusts of cold wind that travel from the ocean.

"Is everything okay?"I ask in a soft voice, my nose buried in the curve of her neck. I can't continue to ignore Cosima's persistent changes in disposition.

"Yeah… yeah, I was just thinking," Cosima answers without turning, but her arms squeeze mine more firmly against her, her head lolling onto my shoulder.

I hum but say nothing, my lips placing a soft kiss in the skin at my disposal and feeling Cosima's chest rise and fall with the effort of a shaky breath. I can sense that there's something on her mind, something eating away at her and maybe that's why she brought us here, expecting to find a place where we can have some privacy. I don't allow mind to spin conjectures, it would be useless. Cosima will tell me if she feels like it and if she doesn't… well, by now I know that I can't persuade her into doing something she doesn't want.

"I really like it here," she says in a low voice after a few minutes of silence. "Especially with weather like this."

I chuckle. "Oui, nothing says a good day at the beach like cold weather and threats of rain."

"I know, I know…" she shakes her head, "but it's like… peaceful, you know? A totally different place than when it's invaded by hordes of tourists."

I nod in agreement. "I suppose you're right," I say, remembering what Olivia said months ago about Cosima being local. I imagine that her notion of San Francisco is very different from mine.

We _are_ very different. With all the time I've been spending with Cosima lately, that was one of my early assumptions about her that remains consistent. The distinction is that, while at first I thought it was a dividing factor, these days I believe it's something that brought us closer. In the beginning I made several erroneous assumptions about Cosima - too many, really - but that didn't stop me from trying to understand her better, to constantly seek her, some times unconsciously, and look for answers within her. If it weren't for those differences which separated us, I would've never let her get as close to me, I wouldn't have felt compelled by curiosity.

"Do you resent me?" I ask somehow absentmindedly, but only because my mind is in a constant journey between the now and then. Cosima's body tenses and she turns around until we become face to face, she looks at me with a confused frown. "For the way I treated you when we met." I clarify.

Recognition briefly crosses her gaze as she grasps the meaning of my question, her stare steadies while she carefully considers the answer. "Do you resent me?" She returns with a shrug.

I roll my eyes in response to her evasiveness, but decide to give her an honest answer. "I don't really know..." I pause to think. "I guess I wouldn't call it resentment, but I know there are some things I avoid discussing with you," I settle.

"Why?" Cosima raises an inquiring brow, one of her hands that were around my waist, smooths along the lapel of my coat.

"I don't want us to fight, Cosima," I say in a low voice, my eyes moving to the hand softly placed over my chest. "And I know that there are issues we cannot discuss without potential disagreement."

She has a pained expression when my gaze finds her again, but she's nodding slowly. "I don't want you to feel like that, Delphine. I don't want you to be afraid to talk with me," Cosima stops and leans her forehead on my chest, both arms around me once again. "But I know what you mean," she admits, her voice muffled by the fabric of my coat, "and I'm working on it."

I feel her arms pulling me closer our bodies flush, not a finger of the cold wind can make its way through our embrace, Cosima sighs deeply as I hold her tighter against me, her face buried in my torso. My mind temporarily vacant of thoughts or considerations or speculations, all that occupies my brain is how comfortable Cosima can make me feel, even in a cold day, the wind so strong that makes the waves crushing against the sand sound like thunder, this little form can give me such warm shelter.

"I broke up with Kate." She announces suddenly, a quick statement spoken with an unwavering voice that manages to shake my entire world.

I move my hands to her shoulders, pushing her back a little bit to be able to look her in the eyes. "You..." a loud swallow makes me pause, "you did?"

Cosima's eyes are glued on my features and she nods. "Yes... I mean... there are some things I still need to work out but... yeah."

I'm frozen by the shock. The long wait for this moment and now I don't know how to react; the only thing that seems to be moving is my eyes, ridiculously searching in Cosima's expression for signs that this is some very sick joke, but finding none. All I see are bright brown orbs in constant movement, perhaps for the first time Cosima's the one having troubles reading what's going on in my mind. My fingers sinking stiffly into Cosima's shoulders, gripping her so hard that my knuckles turn white. Meanwhile in my head I hear a cacophony of voices, thoughts stumbling over each other, not a single one able to become a coherent idea. It truly is ridiculous, but as much as I wanted this to happen, I never allowed myself to think about how I'd react if it became a reality and this is the result.

"Delphine...?" I hear Cosima's voice in the distance, her hand softly reaching my cheek where I feel tentative fingertips brushing my skin. "It's okay... you don't need to make a decision right now," she chuckles awkwardly, "I completely understand if you want to like... you know, take some time and have some breathing ro..."

My hands fly to her neck, both my thumbs pushing her chin up and I pull our months together in what's probably the most careless kiss I've ever given. My own small laugh of relief cuts me off, but I'm reclaiming her lips again and soon Cosima's broad smile is under my flesh, not really returning my fast kisses, breathy giggles entering my mouth, before she starts to lightly pushing me away.

"Are you gonna make a habit of cutting me off with kisses?" She asks between chuckles, her eyes bright in my direction. "Cause I'm totally on board with that!"

I wish I could say that I have a nice comeback, a very good way to respond to her accusation, but I really do not. So I resort to my, apparently, usual method, pulling Cosima again to me and kiss her. At first she giggles again at the obvious confirmation of her hypothesis, but this time my lips move over hers with careful skill and soon Cosima melts into me, her arms sliding up my shoulders loosely and her fingers tangle in my curls. Her tongue glides to meet mine, a low moan reaches my ears and I take a step forward, trapping her petite frame against the wall, the back of my hands grazed by its rough edges.

We kiss slowly, almost methodically. Cosima's teeth scraping my lower lip until she tugs it and lets it slip between them. With my eyes on Cosima's, our foreheads pressed together, I observe the heaviness in her gaze grow as I push my hips into her and she easily accommodates it between her legs. Her eyes only leave mine when I move my hand to the side of her neck and slowly move my fingers along her skin and once there's no more skin available, my fingers start to work the zipper of her jacket and she watches as I open it, a cocky grin spreading her lips when my hand immediately rises to rest on her breast and I take it fully in the palm of my hand.

"I thought you were cold," she comments in a broken voice, her hips sliding lazily against me, daring me to continue despite her words.

"Why do you think I'm doing this?" I inquire with a raised eyebrow, pushing myself more into her, accepting her unspoken invitation.

"And here I was thinking I was that irresistible..." she says playfully, her hands inserting themselves in the folds of my coat and reaching my backside for a firm squeeze.

"You do have a track record of being incredibly full of yourself," I banter, my hand leaving her breast and quickly reaching between her legs, where I can feel her heated response even over the fabric of her skirt. "Occasionally you're right, though," I whisper next to her ear, my fingers pressing harder against her and satisfied to hear a small whimper from her.

This is less than ideal, her skirt is an annoyance I can't overcome without fully exposing her to the cold weather. Nonetheless, it seems to be working, I feel Cosima thrust to meet my touch, a groan muffled by the skin on my neck where she's buried her face. In my swimming mind I'm measuring the pros and cons of pulling her skirt for a more satisfying contact; the pros somehow getting an abysmal lead.

Quick, hard footsteps approach us as a runner in fast pace gets dangerously close. Annoyed with yet another interruption, I remove my hand and rest my arm on Cosima's shoulder, while she releases another groan, this time clearly displeased. I lightly kiss her pout, just as the runner speeds over us, his stare not accompanying his motion forward for at least five long strides. Sprinkles of rain hit the top of my head, Cosima must've feel it too, rising her head to the sky covered in clouds that are no longer white but an ugly dark gray.

"We should go," she says, her chin still stretched.

"Oui," I agree, moving to take her hands, which have remained on my ass the entire time, into mine.

The rain starts to pour hard just as we approach my building and this time Cosima doesn't have the courage to park on the sidewalk, perhaps because she's planning on staying a little longer and we end up having to walk - or better run - until we're at the door for a good thirty seconds in the pouring rain. I hurriedly search my pockets for the keys, quickly opening the door and we step inside, as we walk to the elevator we leave a trail of water behind us. Once in the lift we remove our helmets and inspect each other, dripping water, only our hair has survived unscathed and I can't help to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.

"You couldn't have a car, could you?" I joke between chuckles, shaking myself to rid some of the water.

"I could," Cosima nods and the tip of her dreads drip onto the floor, a bright smile on her lips. "But I really don't have a license, so…"

We enter the apartment, the helmets casually getting tossed at the couch, Cosima's glasses follow haphazardly, and I can't bring myself to care about the state of the cushions in the near future. I take off my coat and hang it on the hook next to the front door, staring at Cosima I notice she's shrugging off her jacket as well and I take it from her, hanging it also, the shoes follow next, mine and hers, placed by the door. The house is quiet, Olivia, most likely, spending Saturday night at Sylvia's; she can be intuitive when she wants to.

"C'mere," I say to Cosima in a quick low voice, taking a hold of her hand and guiding her to the bathroom.

She follows me willingly, her hands moving to my front and she presses her body to mine and the wanting I've been keeping under control the entire day comes crashing down. In the bathroom I spin around and my fingers start to pull at her shirt, quickly tugging it over her head. Cosima giggles at my eagerness, but doesn't stop me, her arms raising to ease my task.

"We need to get you out of these wet clothes or you'll get a cold," I explain once the shirt is off.

She continues to laugh. "You'll say anything to get me naked," Cosima says, but her hands are also making quick work of my blouse and top, both coming out with a swift pull.

My clothes go to the hamper but Cosima's shirt gets spread on one of the towel bars to dry. My back is turned to her while I do this and it's not long before I feel fingertips walking along my back, causing me to catch my breath when it's her lips that I feel pressed softly against my skin, while her fingers quickly unhook my bra and her hands move forward to cup both my breasts and Cosima's hips deliberately rock against me. I groan and try to turn around in her arms, but she won't let me, her hands demanding, fondling my breasts greedily and her lips moving along my shoulder blades, lying wet kisses as she sighs lowly.

As much as I want to touch her, I let Cosima have her way for now, resting my head back against her shoulder and closing my eyes, getting momentarily lost in the feeling of Cosima's warm hands against my skin and her upper body softly pressed to my back. When she realizes I'm settled for now, her right hand leaves my breast, pressing on the way down over my torso to work on my belt, reaching the button of my pants and expertly popping it open, the zipper quickly follows. The other hand moves lower as well, the fingertips tentatively sliding inside my panties and I feel Cosima's teeth scraping the curve of my neck, a thrill moving along my spine causing me to push my back harder against her, and I can hear my blood running wild, my arousal grow with every new inch of skin she decides to probe. Cosima's fingers growing bolder in their exploration until she growls and quickly hooking her thumbs in my panties has me fully stripped. Next I feel an impatient hand move along my inner thigh, seeking warmer grounds.

But that's where I stop her, reaching for her hand, I bring it up and place it over my lower abdomen, not ready to completely lose her touch. I turn around to face her, this time more determined. I really didn't know what to expect upon seeing her expression, maybe a little annoyance from stopping her exploration; instead what I see is a dopey grin on her lips, as if she was allowed a lot more freedom than she was counting on. For some reason it makes me laugh quietly, my chest swelling at the sight of her self-satisfied expression.

"I was wondering when you're gonna stop me," she clarifies in a breathy voice, an eyebrow playfully raised.

I hum my agreement, lowering my head to brush our lips lightly as my hands move to remove her bra, which I casually sling over the top of the shower stall, our bodies losing contact in the process and I hear Cosima whimper behind me, her hands skimming their way along my stomach again, before I spin around and narrow my eyes at her. Cosima smiles slyly, a confident expression in her gaze that makes me swallow dryly and my ache thickens. With that same smile and with her eyes glued to mine, Cosima works her skirt down her legs tantalizingly slow and hands it to me.

"To dry," she says, closing her expression, but her nostrils flare with the effort of keeping from smiling.

I give a firm nod and take the skirt, fighting to maintain a composed countenance and not stare hungrily at her. When I turn back to her, after placing the skirt on the best place I can find, Cosima is fully naked, her small shorts between fingers and extended to me, the stupid grin back on her lips. My eyes rake over her body, my lips being forcefully nibbled and the lump in the depths of my throat not going anywhere, no matter how many times I try to swallow it down. I reach for her undergarment and carelessly toss it over my shoulder, pulling Cosima to me, who offers absolutely no resistance and with a small giggle comes crashing against me, her arms moving atop my shoulders and tugging at the back of my neck.

Blinded by eager kisses and exploring tongues, we somehow make the journey to my bedroom. Along the way, one of her hands moves between us and stops to palm my breast, not with measured motions, but urgently, almost roughly, slightly pulling and the nipple tucked in the curve of her hand. My entire body hums, I arch my back, my hands tugging her by curve of her ass, demanding more contact as a deep moan escapes my lips when Cosima's lips graze the top of my shoulders. She groans and we're still on the move when her hand leaves my breast and journeys lower, her middle finger passing the slick folds of my sex with ease and brushing lightly. My knees go weak with the tease and I have to catch myself not to lose it completely.

Feeling too worked up and slightly frustrated I push her onto the bed, but Cosima doesn't lay back, choosing to remain on the edge of it, her hands gripping me by the waist and pulling me to her, encouraging me to straddle her on my knees. She circles my waist with one arm as she positions us a bit more at the center of the bed, giving me enough room to be comfortable. I pull her by the back of her head and in an instant I'm gliding the tip of my tongue along her lips, pushing inside her mouth with a moan. Cosima's free hand soars over my inner thigh again, but this time I'm definitely not stopping her and she teases me for brief moments, her fingers kneading along my sex while we kiss slowly, our tongues gliding against one another with languid strokes. Every time her digits brush my clit, my hips jerk a little, my wish to prolong this moment as long as possible in a never ending struggle with my body's desire to seek more.

"Cosima…" I whimper into her mouth when my body claims victory, my hips circling more freely against her fingers.

She starts to apply more pressure, becoming more deliberate, but still too mild to offer any sort of real relief. "God, I love to feel you," she murmurs with her lips sliding along my neck, the small whispers of breath brushing my heated skin and causing my heart to thrum violently against its constricting cage. "I love how wet you get for me," she continues, her digits teasing my entrance, implying to discover new depths but never quite getting there.

"Cosima…" I hiss, my voice showing my impatience. "Just… please…" I try to beg when threatening doesn't work, my hips thrusting forward and succeeding in barely pushing her fingers inside me before she pulls back with a groan.

I've never had a lover as communicative as Cosima and I'm obviously having problems getting her to surrender to my requests, it used to be so… easy, my past lovers more than willing to bow to my demands. Not Cosima, though; it seems like the more eager I get the more she enjoys it, extending the preamble for as long as she can. I don't know if she does it to assure me due to my inexperience with women or if she's always been like this. Whatever the case, the effect is undeniable, somehow being able to speak to my deepest desires, to my most primal needs while, at the same time, pull at my heart strings. It seems that no matter which situation we find ourselves in, Cosima is a well of emotion that before I meet her I interpreted as contradictions, only to find now that, not only can they coexist, but also make for a perfect combination.

"Say it," Cosima raises her head, her forehead in contact with my own, her eyes heavy with desire bore into mine as she murmurs the words. "Say you want me."

My left hand moves to cup her cheek, my thumb softly tracing her parted lips. "Cosima… you know I do," I confirm in a low voice, with my right hand moving lower on her body, passing by the valley of her breasts, grazing her abdomen until I find the hand slowly moving against me. "You can feel it," I whisper, my own fingers guiding her with my waist pressing ahead to feel her slide inside me.

I growl as her fingers remain in my depths, moving just slightly, buried inside me, her arm around my waist tugging me towards her so that every part of my body that can be in contact with hers is. The finger I had on top of her lips is lightly bitten, before she pulls it into her mouth and I feel Cosima's tongue lick its pad and then suck it gently with a sinful moan.

"Putain…" I hiss, moving my hips up and sliding my finger away from her mouth to replace it with my tongue before I explode from the sensory overload.

Cosima returns my eager kiss, her tongue battles against mine only to pull out and suck my lower lip as I cradle her face, tugging her more to me. Her two fingers plunge into me again in a swift and firm move, her other hand finds a resting place on my ass, sinking in its flesh greedily and my mouth abandons hers so I can take a deep and hungry breath. In a split second it's my body that's seeking her fingers again, my waist rocking forward with strong, steady movements, to force them inside me as deeply as possible and Cosima's hand matches my motions, her lips barely parted, but still with a delicious self-satisfied smirk.

With my left hand on the back of her head I press a hard kiss on her, my tongue invading her mouth and she sucks it at the same rhythm her fingers move against me, little sounds passing through our joined lips. Her thumb brushes my clit in a long, languid stroke and I reward her by forcing her to finally lay down. With my hand on her shoulder, I push Cosima against the mattress and urge her to remain there as I rock my hips with faster thrusts. She smiles, and with the little liberty she has, she continues to push into me, finding my sensitive front wall and stroking it diligently. Relishing my control, I ride her fingers earnestly, even as her thumb is insistent on my nerve center. I take my time, rocking my hips as I please, knowing that she's not going anywhere, not with my hands pressing against her ribcage and unceremoniously caressing her breast. I lean forward as I feel my orgasm approaching; my hands supporting me on either side of Cosima's face while her eyes are unwavering, fixated on me, lower lip trapped between her teeth, but unable to stop her moans. The new position allows her new freedom and she takes full advantage, grasping my ass and pulling me harder onto her fingers as I arduously work my hips, following her motions.

"Oh, Cosima, là…" I moan when she moves steadier against my clit. As if she doesn't know, as if she's not the maestro leading my body, creating a symphony sung by every nerve within me, building a crescendo, playing at a louder rhythm under her guidance.

Cosima raises her head towards mine, plants a soft kiss on my parted lips and travels to the top of my shoulders, where her lips softly brush against my skin and it's enough to make it burn in each passing, but her hand between my legs continues in a steady, strong pace.

"God, Delphine, how I love you…"

I hear her whisper just before Cosima groans in appreciation right next to my ear when my body loses the rapid cadence it had so far. I feel myself falling, a deliciously cold shiver journeys down my skin, then rises like a burning rocket; my hips trembling at the climax of Cosima's tune. Her name rolling off my tongue in a low rough voice is like a prayer; one I'd willfully chant morning, afternoon and evening. The terminus of yet another masterpiece signed by her - by us.

Gently sliding her fingers out, Cosima gives a little tug with her hand now on my lower back and I gracelessly fall onto her and skimming up to bed for a more comfortable position.

Cosima laughs quietly, following my lead and placing her head on the center of my chest. "You're so incredibly fucking amazing," she says catching her breath with a hungry pull of air, kissing my collarbone and extending her legs to tangle with mine.

I snort. "That's my line, cherie," I comment with my hands moving to smooth along her back, but still feeling too wobbly for much more than that.

However, my brain is beginning to process her words and, somehow my heart begins to beat faster against my ribs, my mind wondering if I should mention it or not. I know people say things they don't exactly mean when... in that position. Even I am not innocent before such accusation; it doesn't happen often, but I've said some things I end up regretting later. Taking Cosima's enthusiastic speech too serious could very well be a mistake.

"I meant it," Cosima clarifies without me needing to question her, probably because she could've felt my body's sudden tension. "What I said... I do." She swallows and I feel her taking a shaky breath, but for whatever reason I can't seem to be able to look at her. "I've known for a while... hmm... quite some time, actually."

Her body moves over mine, her upper torso no longer in contact with me and I can only assume she's looking at me. I can't say for sure though, because I closed my eyes the moment I started to feel the sting of tears.

"Delphine..." her voice wavers slightly, "are you still with me?"


	46. Willing & Able

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.... this is the continuation of last chapter, so I assume it goes without saying that you >really shouldn't read this at work

The rain hitting violently against the outside of the wall directly behind my bed is the only sound inside the bedroom. Cosima mimics my silence, expecting to see what I have to say and, even though my eyes are closed, I can feel her gaze on me. I wish I had something to tell her, an answer that didn't require extensive thought and in some way, I do. But the words are stuck in my throat, maybe after spending so long on the roller-coaster of emotions, I don't know if I should trust this. It just seems too good to be true: Cosima in my arms, finally both of us in the same place and she opening up to me, without any reservations whatsoever.

"Shouldn't I have said it?" She asks when my silence continues. Her voice is small, a distinct contrast to her usual bravado, swimming in uncertainty, wavering with a vulnerability that seems to run deeper than I've seen before.

Even if her body is no longer flush against mine, I can still feel its rigidity; tension in every muscle as she waits with ill disguised impatience for me to speak. I realize that my hand has stopped skimming along the softness of her lower back and it's now pressing, the intention is not to pull her to me, but rather unconscious, caused by the sudden firmness of my own body. Finally looking down at her, my eyes search to read her and, for the first time, I think I can clearly decipher the intersects of her mind, not because I've suddenly become adept, but because there's nothing hidden in her expression. Her emotions are on display for me to contemplate. The uncertainty is painted on her features; her eyebrows raised in an expectant stance, lips forming a tiny, straight line, self-doubt concealing the usual cockiness.

This was never my intention; to cause her any kind of anxiety, with my silence. It was not even a conscious act at all and it makes me somewhat angry with myself. The day was going so well and after everything, it's me and my ever present insecurities that have tainted it. I raise my hand to her face and brush my knuckles over Cosima's still rosy cheek and it's enough to soften her gaze; a simple gesture of assurance is all it takes to bring a small smile to her lips.

"Non… it's not that," I say in a breathy voice with my stare steady on hers. "It's just…"

"Surprised," Cosima finishes my thoughts when I don't. I nod vigorously and hum and she lights up a bit more, the confident young woman reemerging.

And that begs the question. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I ask loud. "If it was something I've known for a while…"

Cosima's expression closes just barely, but her body shifts on top of mine, the tension melting slowly and her movements becoming more fluid, pushing herself up so our faces are at the same level. "Knowing it is one thing," she whispers with her lips brushing against mine, "accepting it is quite another."

"What was there to accept?" I inquire in a slightly higher tone.

"You had your doubts, Delphine," she points out fast, her body moving away from mine to sit on the edge of the bed, casually knotting her dreads, the muscles of her back shifting under olive skin. "I'm allowed to have mine."

She evades my question, getting up, but it's hard to fight her on that. It's true that I didn't make her life any easier at first and while I know the depths of my own hesitation, Cosima's no less vulnerable to the questions that assault one's mind. I could press further, the tip of the thread is there, tempting me to pull it and discover what it unveils, but once again I find myself quite reluctant to do so. Observing her leave the room, with an easiness that I'm disheartened to break, Cosima picks up her glasses from the couch and digs her phone out from her coat pocket. Part of my heart sinks when I hear the click signaling the slide of the unlock button. It's silly and it really shouldn't be happening, not after all the assurances she gave me today, however I find myself experiencing the effects of the Pavlov Syndrome in its harsher way. In an attempt to ignore the painful pang on my heart, I get up and turn my back to her, pulling the covers down and turning on the nightstand lamp; the sun's not quite set yet, but the heavy clouds darken the sky and limit the amount of light entering the house.

With her eyes still glued to the screen of her phone, Cosima returns to the bedroom. "Should we order something?" She asks not meeting my gaze. "It's getting kinda late."

"I have some Eskimo pies in the freezer," I deadpan, being very effective in getting her attention back, while I return to the bed.

I notice her eyes peering over the frame of her glasses in my direction and a sly smirk spreading her lips. "Like… for real?" She asks licking her lips briefly.

"Oui…" I say nodding, stretching myself on the bed and placing both arms under my head to provide a better view of Cosima, who continues with her head dipped, but her eyes move along my body with a lecherous gaze. "It brings me very good memories."

She sets the phone on the nightstand, her stare not leaving me. "You don't say…" Cosima playfully says, her tongue poking between her teeth, gracefully moving on the bed and placing herself on top of me.

My arms slip from under my head to grip her waist, bringing her lower until Cosima is pressed against me. The smiling brunette lets me guide her, easily falling into the pace I set, while my eyes move from the lock it had on hers and descend slowly, with my lower lip trapped, my hungry gaze settles on her rocking hips, feeling the dampness tempting me to move faster. With my energy renewed, I feel my body respond to her movements, becoming more alert by Cosima's beckoning.

Like a magnet, attracted by Cosima's gravity, my chest rises, my neck cranes to reach her, to find a more gratifying contact. She won't let me, though; Cosima's hands smooth along my arms, her fingers sliding between mine, pulling my grasp from her waist and pinning my hands over my head, while her body follows, giving me the contact that I crave, but at the same time keeping control. She brushes her lips along my neck, continuing to move lower, over the hollow of my throat and my upper chest, always with ease, gently, coaxing little sighs of satisfaction. I find myself at her mercy again - and she is merciless - with soft lips Cosima explores every inch of my skin within her reach, raising her body slightly to sink lower, her mouth finding a pebbled nipple that she grazes softly with the edge of her teeth before her tongue rolls over it, causing my body to stir.

With my feet planted on the mattress I raise my leg on instinct and feel her slide against me, wet and ready. She purrs at the contact, but her lips don't pause, languidly exploring my other breast, her tongue easily making me lose my mind.

"Tell me again," I ask in a husky voice, "tell me you love me."

Cosima stops her motion, her eyes meeting mine, dark and somewhat lost. "I don't think you're in the position to be making any demands," she says softly, her words meant to tease, not denying me while she slides along my body, nuzzling my skin, breathing in deeply and her hands squeezing harder against mine, as if to prove her point, to remind that she has me completely subdued.

I smirk to myself, Cosima busy making sure I'll have a reddish mark on the base of my neck by the morning. "You seem to forget I'm actually much stronger than you," I remind her after a growl that makes my body stir under her when her teeth become more demanding.

Cosima barely has time to register my words before I quickly and effortlessly roll us over, beaming at the satisfaction I feel in having her beneath me, gasping and squirming when I press myself to her with a quick thrust of my hips. I feel the fingers slotted between mine squeeze briefly and then relaxing completely under my hold, as if indicating that she won't fight me and I slip my right hand free, rolling my fingertips along the smooth skin of her left arm. Lowering my head, I let our noses brush and place a gentle kiss on her bottom lip, but quickly retreat, separating our faces just slightly. Cosima follows me, licking her lips, her mouth pursues mine on the way up and I indulge her with another light kiss but pull away again, my gaze trained on hers, squinting slightly.

"I love you," she finally concedes in a whisper, which turns into a ragged breath when I reward her with another slow thrust of my hips.

Her gaze doesn't hide the anticipation she's feeling and I know exactly what she's waiting for, but, selfishly, I need her unconditional surrender. I must feel completely sure to take the next step. It is weird; I was never this demanding before, never needed to feel so assured in the past and to ask this of her might be unfair. However, I do it all the same, if this is to be blamed on Cosima's constant push and pull or my own self-doubts, I don't know. All I do know is that I desperately need it.

"Tell me you're mine," I request in a stronger voice, the hand still holding hers, grips harder, pushing it against the soft mattress while the other moves quickly to her hip and tugs her to me, finding her malleable to my demanding touch, grinding against the skin of my lower abdomen.

"Fuck, Delphine," Cosima gasps in surprise, her eyes wide behind crooked glasses, staring at me with a slight frown, like she's seeing me for the first time; and in a way, she is.

Even I am surprised by the level of aggressiveness I'm displaying, but I can't seem to help it. I want it all. Feeling Cosima's body complete surrender is no longer enough, the darker side of my mind is also demanding her soul; I want her whole, to drown myself in her body and mind, to get lost in her world. After fighting so fiercely not to be swallowed by her life, I now long for it, but I won't go down alone, Cosima must follow me. I realize now how foolish I've been to think I didn't need something like this, to let myself be fully engulfed by someone else and maybe I was not completely wrong. Had it been anyone else, it might not be the right thing to aspire to, but with Cosima…with her, I know there's no other way; I must take the plunge and hope for the best. But that doesn't mean I don't need her to reciprocate, I have to know she'll come with me.

My right hand presses lower, abandoning her hip, but still grabbing hard, greedily fondling the side of her ass and reaching her upper thigh, tugging it up and Cosima lets me guide her, wrapping her leg around my own and bucking her hips to slide against my skin.

"I'm yours," she whimpers, her free hand moving to the side of my neck to pull my head closer and for our mouths to meet in a lascivious kiss, our tongues fervent against one another.

I groan into it, my body gaining a mind of its own, rocking against her before I catch myself and move upwards, hearing Cosima voice her displeasure. It's like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders and in its place a new world of possibilities has opened up. The sudden loss of heaviness along with the smaller girl's clear impatience makes me chuckle, which doesn't sit well with Cosima, who eyes me closely.

My lips move along her jawline until I reach her ear. "Je t'aime," I breath out, feeling her pull me to her, Cosima's body curling around mine.

And I do, so very much. I don't know precisely when it happened. If someone asked me to pinpoint the precise moment I couldn't answer. Was it before or after we shared our first drunken kiss; or when I first realized that I could no longer be with my boyfriend without it being tainted by Cosima's presence in my life; or when the notion that I could lose her forever sunk in as Kate's shadow hovered constantly over us... I don't know, maybe never will and maybe I don't care to find out. All I know is that I found myself falling for her the moment I felt her eyes lay on me in the kitchen, so many months ago. Olivia has mentioned at some point that she felt like Cosima was lost to her when she met me, but the truth is I also realize that since that instant my own life was never quite the same. It didn't matter how much I tried to ignore it, my world began to gravitate around Cosima, like an invisible but irresistible force that kept pulling me to her. Perhaps that's the reason why I'm demanding so much from Cosima: I feel myself so drawn to her that I feel like I need to know I possess the same kind of power over her.

I've never been a particularly physical being, or at least not before I met Cosima and this recently discovered side of me is, most likely, a response to her. She always seemed to react better to this aspect of the relationship and, while it took me some time to catch up, I now feel like I'm becoming her equal. Slowly I'm adjusting to Cosima's way, which turned out to be a lot easier than I thought. Not only that, in discovering what makes Cosima tick, I've found that there's a side of me I never knew. I never thought it could be so exciting to have the usually cocky girl beneath me, letting me guide her in every way I deemed fit. It never occurred to me that I would enjoy so much feeling her pulse thrumming against my lips as I slowly drag them along the soft skin of her neck and hear her groan when I capture her breast with a demanding grip, while she presses harder against me.

Cosima's hand remains on my neck, curling tightly, as I move lower, spreading kisses on her collarbone and lower still, brushing my lips to the top of her breast, taking a perky nub between my teeth, grazing it gently before my tongue rolls freely around it. Cosima's body is an ever moving presence under mine and I can feel her arousal grow against me, her hips canting to my encounter more desperately. After one last squeeze on the hand still in my grasp, I free it so I can move lower and into the her taut stomach, sliding down her body, my lips brushing her skin and feeling the shifting of her tense muscles.

When I dip my tongue in her bellybutton, my hands, now firmly holding each side of her hips, help with the lazy upward motions of her body, rolling her small frame languidly with a low groan. The fingers of her hand still on my head flex suddenly, tangling in my hair. However, the moment I move past her navel, I feel her entire body tense and both of her hands cup my cheek, pushing me slightly.

"Hmm… Delphine?" She calls in a voice that shows her hesitation. I raise my stare to meet hers, Cosima's brow quirked but unable to hide her hunger, dark eyes fixed into mine. "What… what are you doing?"

I move up her body, mindful of keeping our bodies in constant contact and smirk when she expels a harsh hiss the instant my hand goes to her inner thigh and feel Cosima spreading her legs wider as the slow rolling of her body restarts. But I keep my hand where it is only curling my fingers, sinking deeper into her flesh.

"I want to give you a birthday gift," I state as casually as I can, with my lips brushing along the column of her neck and I know she completely understands what I'm implying, feeling her hips quickly jerk against my belly, her copious arousal slicking along my skin.

Despite her energetic reaction, there's a tenderness in her touch when Cosima pulls my head to hers, her fingers gently tugging the curls behind my ears with a small smile on her lips. "I have you here," she says in a husky voice, "that's a great present."

I smile as well, thinking how odd it is for her to try to give me a out, wondering if she thinks I need one at all. That, despite knowing this is something Cosima obviously wants, she's willing to let it go, at least for now. I find it somewhat surprising that she's unable to understand that I want this probably as much as her. And it's not that I don't appreciate the sentiment, because I do; I like the idea that, if I feel uncomfortable with something, Cosima won't try to push it. What I fail to comprehend is why, in this particular aspect, she'd think it was necessary to affirm my freedom to choose how far I could go. Didn't I make my intentions clear? Wasn't it obvious I was doing this free willingly?

I don't mean to tease her - well… not entirely - as much as I want to make my intentions obvious and put to rest all her doubts, when I lower my head and graze my lips against hers. "I want to make you come with my mouth," I whisper.

Cosima's response is instant. Her back arches, pressing into me, her fingers tangling in my hair. Her mouth falls open, releasing a sound trapped between a whine and a growl before she moves it to cover my own, her tongue curling around mine as her hips thrust forward in a needy pace. My own body is quick to react, matching her movements furiously and, for a moment I forget the purpose of my affirmation. My hand on her thigh slips lower, discovering Cosima's slick warmth and, with the help of my longer form I push into her, driving her into the bed, my fingers burying into her swollen sex, unable to resist the temptation of pushing inside her with a few steady thrusts. Cosima releases my mouth to expel a surprised yelp, her hips rocking against my fingers, but then a smirk starts to form on her lips once the surprise fades and I feel one of her hands leave my head and pause on my breast for a couple of well placed squeezes, which only causes my fingers to move faster against her. But soon that same hand captures my wrist and pulls me from inside her, locking our fingers next to her head, resuming the position we were not that long ago.

When I frown in question, her smile grows even wider. "I want my gift," she announces with her lips close to mine.

Cosima punctuates her request with a steady rocking of her hips, and her silken arousal is a siren's call that lures me to continue my journey down her body with one of Cosima's hands on my shoulder, not in a demanding way, like I vaguely remember happening before, in a much less pleasant position, but encouraging nonetheless. And instead of feeling like a chore I know I need to do, it's a guidance to a destination I'm eager to reach, even if I move slowly along her body, my hands skimming the outside of her form with a firm touch, carefully tasting every inch of smooth skin along the way. Cosima's small frame completely in tune with the mouth traveling down, her fingers gripping my shoulders harder when I slip my tongue between my lips and graze the flesh just above the patch of dark brown hairs, but not pressing lower. She lets me take my time, getting used to being this close and I make a place for myself between her legs, my lips moving to the inside of her thigh, nibbling the strong muscle flexing at my touch.

"Oh my… shit!" Cosima roughly expels, no longer able to remain still under me, her hips give a small buck.

Grinning at her reaction, I look at her; Cosima's gaze pinned on me between the valley of her breasts, the frames no longer present, her lower lip trapped by a row of pearly white teeth. At the sight, I take a deep, uneven breath and her smell, already filling my lungs, becomes that much stronger, shaking my foundations and the call is no longer a gentle chant; it's screaming my name, begging me to get even closer, to turn the already small distance to nonexistent. Cosima raises her right leg, opening it slightly, almost shyly, as if she's unsure of the steps forward I'm willing to take. But I'm right there with her, walking by her side, slotting myself in the space between her thighs, adjusting her leg with an arm secured around it, pulling her closer to me, while my eyes don't leave her, never wavering, in a steady stare that's made to assure her.

Impossible to resist her smell, I nuzzle the trimmed hairs of her sex, feeling them tickling my skin and watch for Cosima's reaction; satisfied when I see that she can no longer hold my gaze, her eyes rolling to the back of her head before she tilts it back and her entire body shifts in an undulating motion.

"Jesus Delphine…" she groans, her words pressing every syllable.

"Tell me what you like," I say, firmly gripping my hand on her thigh to get her attention back to me.

She gives a small whimper, licking her lips as her dark eyes meet mine, taking some time to answer. "Just…" she starts before I need to ask again, but pauses for a brief moment. "Just… like… kiss me at first," she completes in a small voice.

I tilt my brow, but suddenly her request sinks in. I move my head, my eyes leaving her expression filled with desire and briefly stare at the sight in front of me. I have always enjoyed the female anatomy far more than the male's, from a purely aesthetic point of view than necessarily a sexual one, so much so that not that long ago I never thought I would be in this position. And, truth be told, it's her smell that has me yearning for it, not exactly her sex itself. Not that it really matters, the result would always be exactly the same. It would always end up with me placing a small kiss over it, more like a peck really, the same way that it would cause me to bring my free hand to its lips and part her for better access, noticing the glisten of arousal coating her entire sex, the little nub perky and swollen, waiting for my attention.

My tongue pokes out to moist my lips just as I lower my head, Cosima's hand sliding with the motion to the top of my head, her fingers curling slightly to bunch a few loose locks and secure them with the palm of her hand. This time, when I kiss her, it takes a little longer, my lips meeting soft, slick flesh for the first time and I swear I can feel her clit throbbing under my touch when my mouth curls around it, instinctively my tongue slips out between my lips and I flick it lightly. A barely there touch that makes Cosima's hips balance upwards quickly and her fingers to grip harder on my hair.

"Oh shit!" She gasps harshly, her free hand reaching my shoulder fast and pushing me away gently. "Go around it first," she instructs with a broken voice.

I raise my eyes to her, Cosima's stare locked in me with undisguised hunger, but the tenderness is still there, underneath all the desire, I can still see the love she professed just moments ago. It's the mixture of those two that makes me dip my head again, the arm I have around her thigh reaching up and finding her hand on my shoulder, intertwining our fingers while the same gesture causes Cosima's leg to lift and she settles it on my shoulder, the calf resting on my upper back. I didn't expect that having her so fully at my disposal would make me feel this pleased, awakening such hunger within me. I wanted to do this for Cosima's pleasure alone, aware that it would satisfy me because I know she wanted it, not for myself. Yet, when my lips go to her again, this time more aware where I run my tongue, with Cosima's hips bucking gently against me, the hand on top of my hand softly encouraging the caress of my tongue, while I hear Cosima's small moans of approval; all these things combined has my body calling for her attention, the ache between my legs steadily growing.

I start with smooth licks against her warm flesh, my tongue circles her clit a couple of times, mindful of staying away from the sensitive nub, Cosima's fingers clenching around the hand which hold hers. As I grow bolder so does the stroke of my tongue, broad laps that manage to slide along the length of her sex, allowing to graze the side of her clit, but avoiding direct stimulation. Cosima seems to respond well to this, her hips roll in harmony with my motions, groaning quietly and tightening her grip.

Eventually, I give it another try, letting my tongue run gently over her clit. Her body arches a little and her fingers flex around me, but she doesn't give any indication that it's too much.

"Ummm… fuck, Delphine…" Cosima moans, her words accompanying the roll of her body. "Like that, babe. Keep going."

I hum against her, encouraged by her words, I run my tongue against her again, daring to apply more pressure. Then another long pass that makes her tremble slightly. It's when my lips wrap around her clit that my own hips start to rock in a light but steady motion, finding nothing but bedsheets and not giving me back anything, but I can't seem to stop it.

"Inside... inside me, please," Cosima pleads, her body skimming lower, pressing more against me in stiff, steady motions.

Without removing my lips from her, I use the hand that's been keeping her parted and move it lower, my fingertips barely enter her molten walls before she wiggles out of them. That's when I stop, frowning my brows and raise my head. Cosima's eyes are waiting for mine, she licks her lips, the hand on my head comes to cup my cheek while she runs her thumb over my lower lip, bitting her own.

"Use your tongue, Delphine," she asks, pushing her thumb pass my lips. "I want you to use just your mouth."

With the tip of my tongue, I drag it along the pad of the finger and smirk, satisfied to see Cosima's eyes flutter and feel her hips thrust upwards. I release her thumb with a suck, the smirk still on my lips as I move down, freeing the hand which was holding hers and place both my arms around her thighs, gripping the strong muscle and pull it up, allowing me more room to move. After a few gentle strokes, I move lower, Cosima's hand back on the top of my head gives me a little tug and I can sense the impatience on her touch, on the way her waist rolls, seeking me. My tongue circles her entrance before I push inside, greeted by an unexpected smoothness and an incredibly warm wetness that makes me moan into her and causes my hips to grind harder, feeling my own wetness becoming unbearable with the lack of attention.

But I refuse to do anything about it, instead I transfer all my hunger to her, my tongue pushes into her, my head bobbing between her legs helping me reach deeper. Cosima continues to moan encouragements, that grow louder the more vigorous my strokes became, her fingers fisting my hair harder serve only as an extra incentive to keep my mouth on her. Ravenous against her, the remaining awareness of what I was doing gets dismissed by my eagerness and I open my mouth to take all of her, my tongue slides out to glide entirely over her sex, vigorously lapping along her clit that I make a point to press harder.

"Oh yes, Delphine!" Cosima groans loud, her hips riding my mouth with quick thrusts. "Fuck, don't stop!"

And I'm sure that I couldn't if I tried. Even as my jaw is starting to ache and my tongue is growing tired with the uncommon extra work, I continue to push into her. Cosima's wetness is flowing and it's like sweet ambrosia to me, each movement of my tongue gives me more of the delicious nectar that I selfishly crave. With both my arms wrapping her legs, I pull her to me, my fingers harshly sinking into her soft skin and I push my tongue inside her again, feeling her walls contract against it as I curl the tip of my tongue to tap her front wall, remembering the request she made in the past. Although I know Cosima has been trying to keep her movements under some control, this time she's unable to stop her waist jerks from become more powerful against me. Not that I care, in fact it makes me even greedier, free from the light restrain she had on my head, since her hand is no longer trying to guide me, I slip out again, finding her clit and flick it quickly.

"Jesus… ohhh," she pants harshly, her hips rocking openly against me. "Suck it, babe…"

I do it, with my lips around it and my tongue finding the point of her clit, I take the swollen nub into my mouth and pull it softly. Her hips jump upwards, but I don't let her go, tugging at her legs to keep me in place and give into her every request until I feel her entire body tremble. She growls my name between every single curse word I know and it's fucking marvelous, to feel her arousal coat my mouth, her lower back completely arched and her shin pressing against me, pulling as if she's giving herself entirely to me

It takes her hand on my shoulder pushing me gently and Cosima moaning weakly "Delphine, please, that's enough," to make me pull away.

With a gentle parting kiss to her clit and another to each inner thigh, I crawl up her body, grazing my mouth over the top of my shoulder to clean the proof of her desire. When we're face to face, she has a huge but lazy grin and welcomes my mouth on hers slowly and thoroughly, with her tongue sweeping over mine.

"So?" I ask with a playfully raised brow. "What's the verdict?"

Cosima laughs lowly. "Do you really have to ask?"

I place a soft kiss on her lips, smiling. "That doesn't mean I don't want to hear it," I say in a smooth voice.

"It was pretty good," she answers with a devious smirk.

"Pretty good?!" I repeat louder, glaring at her, putting on a feeble act.

"Oui… pretty good," she jokes, nodding her head slightly with a self-confident smile. It's when I feel her leg raise and her thigh pressing against me that I know what the ridiculously cute grin means. "And I gather it was pretty good for you as well."

I moan and crush my lips to hers, my hips slide along her skin in an attempt to release some of the tension that has accumulated inside me. Cosima allows me to move against her with a few thrusts, sharing lustful kisses while I grind myself against her, the hand with which she was clutching the pillow under her head joins the other descending along my back until they rest on my small back, her fingers digging on the lower supple flesh, inviting a longer motion, more deliberate and with a more satisfying purpose. When I find the right pace, convinced this is how she wants me to continue, Cosima presses harder against me and she palms my ass for a couple of rougher thrusts that makes me release her mouth to breathe hungrily and rest my forehead on her chest, my hips easily adjusting to the new, faster pace.

However, Cosima seems to have other plans in mind. She sits up and her hands move to my chest, demanding, and forcing me down, not content until I'm on my back and with my head on the bottom of the bed. She slides down my body and doesn't take long before she completes the journey. Cosima doesn't need instructions, she doesn't require guidance from me, the hand I place on her head is simply there to ground myself and because I enjoy to have the vague belief that I have some control over what she's doing. Which is to slowly and steady push me closer to the edge, fully aware of what it takes for me to get there. Before I realize what I need next, Cosima's already onto it with her tongue masterfully coaxing every imaginable pleasure from me. Once I get there I scream her name into the air, my hands gripping the lower board of my bed and forming a perfect arch.

Cosima brushes her nose sweetly against mine when she reaches my face and I make an effort to return every slow kiss she insists to place upon my lips, but I just feel completely spent, my limbs feeling like shaky jelly. Still I pull her to an embrace and she finally settles, her face hidden against the curve of my neck, where her lips continue to lay soft kisses.

"Stay," I whisper.

Cosima relaxes on the mattress, but one of her legs drapes across me as well as an arm around my waist. "Course, where else would I wanna go," she answers in a sleepy voice, nuzzling the skin of my neck and planting a breath of a kiss.


	47. Omen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: hi!!! So.... I bring you another long chapter and also has NSFW content; I figure this fandom could use it :D besides, after staying strong for so many chapters filled with angst, I have decided not to pass on this opportunity. Thanks, for reading and shout out to Cophine, my amazing beta.

When I open my eyes again it is fully dark outside. The bedside lamp casts a soft, white light over the bedroom, but the rest of the house is in complete darkness. I tilt my head back, peering at the living room through the still open door and realize we've fallen asleep upside down on the bed. Cosima's steady breathing glides over the skin of my neck; she hasn't moved, one arm and leg continue draped on me, while my own limbs surround the petite form curled around me. As comfortable as I'm feeling and as much as I hate to wake her up, I know we can't remain like this; Cosima's skin is growing colder under my touch and now that I've woken up I won't be able to fall back asleep until I close the bedroom door and turn off the light.

Reaching for her arm I try to move it away, but Cosima stirs, sleepily grumbling something imperceptible and pulls me closer. I chuckle lightly and place a hand on the base of her neck, rubbing my thumb softly against her skin.

"Cosima. Mon amour," I whisper, kissing the crown of her head. Another murmur from her and another tug at my torso. "We need to get under the covers," I try to coerce her, my body moving slowly trying to free myself for her hold.

Cosima releases a small whine, but finally moves her arm and starts to blindly search for something on the bed, tapping behind her back until she finds a bunch of sheets and tries to pull it. With a smile, I watch her trying to cover us and failing simply because she's completely unaware of our position. Confused, Cosima's face leaves the curve of my neck and frowns, looking at where her hand is. Amused, I patiently wait until she becomes more aware.

"Whatta…!" Cosima says, raising herself with her hands pressing against the mattress. Suddenly, she stops all movements and glares at me, her eyes narrowing at the sight of my obvious smirk. "Did you enjoy that?"

"Oui," I answer chuckling and placing a quick kiss on her bottom lip, "it was quite entertaining."

I get up and walk to the bathroom, not bothering to put any clothes on since Olivia clearly is not getting back tonight. Once my immediate needs are met, I head to the kitchen. Guided by my empty stomach, I open the fridge finding nothing that won't require some kind of preparation and scrunch my nose. I don't hear Cosima approach and only notice she's behind me when I feel her body press against my back, before she stretches her arm to snatch the last apple from inside the fridge.

"I guess ordering in is out of the question," she says when I turn around to look at her, following her stare to the clock hanged on the wall, indicating one twenty in the morning.

Cosima goes to the sink and washes the fruit carefully before she takes a generous bite and extends it to me. Resigned, I take it and sink my teeth in her offering, satisfied with the crushing sound and the sweet juice filling my mouth. Giving it back to her, I move to the fridge again and take out a carrot, peel it, wash it and cut it in large chunks.

"I gave you a great lunch and _this_ is what you give me for dinner?" Cosima quips, biting a piece of the carrot.

To hide my smile I take the apple from her and take another piece. "It's healthy food, packed with vitamins," I comment after swallowing.

Despite Cosima's complaining, she continues to attack the carrot. "Yeah… but I need to restore my energy levels," she says, chewing the crispy vegetable, "they're kinda low after all that exercise." She adds cheekily, the pink of her tongue poking between her teeth, while she steps close to me and moves her mouth to bite the apple in my hand.

I observe Cosima invade my personal space with unequaled ease, the entire situation makes me laugh quietly, slowly shaking my head. Presently, both of us are standing naked in the middle of the kitchen, sharing what's probably the weirdest meal ever recorded in history and somehow my mind takes a mental picture of this moment, convinced it will become one of my most cherished memories to visit in the future. Watching Cosima raid the fridge again and getting another carrot to divide between us, there is no awkwardness, instead the unusual situation fills me with a comfortable tranquility like nothing before. Cosima is fully ingrained in my life, her presence runs in my blood, like a drug that affects my body and brain, leaving me in a constant state of mild high.

When we finish I wash the few things we've used, sensing Cosima's eyes on me, but it's not until I've dried my hands, and close in to place a little peek on her lips that I notice the chill of her skin. Throwing the towel onto the counter, I pull her to me and hug her, trying to warm her body with mine.

"Let's go back to bed," I say in a low voice before I kiss the mouth raised in my direction.

Cosima lets me guide her to my bedroom and as I close the door, she moves to the bed, ironically occupying the side closest to the bedside lamp, which I always favor. Still, I say nothing to make her move and lay next to her, once I cover myself and make sure she's fully wrapped in the blankets, Cosima stretches her arm to turn off the light and turns herself to me, tugging me closer and laying her hand on the curve of my hip, while hiding her face against my chest, placing a single kiss on my skin. Her body continues to feel cold against mine and I raise my leg to rest on top of hers, my hand moves to the nape of her neck with my fingers playing lazily with the small wisps of hair I find there. Cosima moans quietly and shifts slightly, somehow finding room to scoot even closer. Her body temperature is warming when I can't keep my mind awake any longer and I let myself drift back to sleep.

I wake up to the noises coming from outside the bedroom. At some time during the night, I must've rolled, for Cosima is now latched to my back, with an arm around my torso and a leg over mine, her steady breathing against my shoulder blades and her forehead pressed to the back of my neck. By the light entering through the window I can see that morning is already well on its way to afternoon and that the day has woken up to much better weather. Even so, I sink into the covers, moving my arm to interlock my fingers with Cosima's and push my body closer to hers. She stirs briefly, her limbs pulling at me and expelling an heavier breath, but giving no indication that she's approaching wakefulness.

I drift in and out of conscience, unsure of how long has passed since I first woke up, slightly aware of the low voices outside the bedroom. Behind me, Cosima mumbles something unintelligible and cuddles tightly against me. Lazily, I roll to face her and wrap my arms around her, feeling her body gaining energy and becoming more aware of her movements, tugging me closer and starting to brush her fingertips along my skin.

"Bonjour," I say low, lowering my head to plant a light kiss on top of her head.

"Hmm… morning," she murmurs, with her lips sliding against my upper torso. "Is that Olivia out there?"

"I hope so," I say stretching my spine and hearing a pleasant crack, "otherwise we're being robbed."

Cosima chuckles. "You don't seem particularly worried about it."

She moves slowly, her movements still affected by the sleepiness, but the fingertips caressing the skin of my abdomen are deliberate enough to make a slight buzz cross my spine. I push it aside though, the awareness that Olivia and possibly Sylvia are just outside the door making me put the brakes on Cosima's obvious intentions, removing her hand to the safer ground. She grins mischievously, acutely conscious of what's going through my mind, but makes no attempt to return her hand to where it was. Instead, she settles, letting the tip of her fingers smooth along my cheek, pulling our foreheads together and closing her eyes. I do the same, feeling her steady breathing lick my skin lightly and even that little thing is enough to stir something inside me, causing my body to seek full contact with hers. Without thought, my leg moves to lock with Cosima's, brushing me in the lightest of touches and yet succeeding in making my entire body hum, bucking just barely. The small form around me moves smoothly, in what feels like a natural reaction to me and Cosima pulls a shaky breath, her hand slides lower to curl around my neck, assuring that our upper bodies are in full contact.

I'm ready to accept the inevitable, with the motions of my hips remaining slow but gaining a more determined motivation. At least until another loud noise coming from the living room makes Cosima and I open our eyes and put a bit of distance between us.

She groans, her sparkling chocolate brown eyes find mine and she twists her lips. "I think she's doing this on purpose," Cosima comments in a husky voice.

I arch my brow, my fingers lightly grazing the skin of her lower back where they move to a while ago. "You think?" I ask with humor.

She nods enthusiastically and smiles widely, now fully awake. "I think we should be as loud as possible," Cosima proposes with her hand traveling lower and cupping one of my breasts, her smiling lips brushing my upper chest.

My body easily responds to her teasing, but I use the sudden movement it causes to push her until Cosima's in her back and I move on top of her, using my upper strength to keep us apart.

"Tempting offer, but I think I'll have to decline," I say between a smile.

The little brunette stretch both her hands to reach my cheeks while at the same time keeps my curls from falling over my eyes. "Well… she did warn me the other day that I'd better take good care of you," Cosima informs me with a grin.

"What?!" My voice raises a little more and I frown, confused.

"Remember? When she pulled me to whisper something in my ear?" With my eyes locked on hers, I nod slowly as the memory enters my mind. "Her words were: you break her heart, I break your face…" I laugh heartily and she scowls. "Hey! Not exactly original, but you can't deny the effectiveness…"

I press my lips to keep from laughing. "And letting her hear us will help with that how?"

She shrugs but it's smiling again. "I don't know… but seems as a good reason as any other."

I shake my head and dip it to kiss the top of her nose before I push myself up. "We should get out there," I say sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I really don't think that's a good idea," she says, stretching herself and groaning at the feel of her muscles pull.

"If you're scared of Olivia, don't worry," I turn around to find Cosima already with her upper body discovered and the sheets bunched around her waist. "I will protect you," I say, unable to resist moving lower to kiss the flatness of her stomach.

I feel Cosima's chuckle moving under my lips. "Yeah… that's great, but the problem is that all my clothes are in the bathroom," she reminds me, one of her hands pleasantly caressing the back of my head. "I mean… if you're okay with it, I really don't mind going out there like this…" after saying this she starts to move until she's standing before me.

"Right…" I mumble looking up at her and reaching for her waist as an idea comes to mind. "Hold on a sec…" I all but throw her back at the bed, hearing a fit of giggles coming from her.

Quickly I go for my underwear drawer and take of a pair of shorts, chuckling at the small whine Cosima gives when I pull them over my legs and reach for a large t-shirt. Turning around to point a threatening finger at the small figure stretched on my bed, my hand goes to the doorknob and I twist it, opening it just enough to cross into the living room and shut it behind me.

"Look who's decided to come out!" Olivia greets me the moment I close the door, her eyes filled with playfulness steady on me. Sylvia is quiet, sitting next to her, but her head turned around to look at me as well and with a small grin on her lips.

"Cosima has this theory," I start, moving to the bathroom and ignoring the obvious innuendo in my friend's words, "she believes that you were purposely being loud."

"I resent that implication!" My roommate says, but has began to laugh. "Far be it from me to get in the way of a pleasant morning spent in bed."

"Of course…" I comment slowly, closing the door to the bathroom.

Inside I look around and see that Cosima's clothes are exactly as we've left them the night before; the shirt and long skirt spread around the small space have probably dried nicely, but the tight boxers were left carelessly on the floor of the bath stall are most likely still wet. I'm sitting in the toilet when my eyes move to the closed door and the bathrobe hanging on it gives me a better idea than to just carry her clothes back to the bedroom. So, once I've cleaned the sleepiness from my face I grab the long robe and open the door to face my friend's teasing smirk again.

"So, I assume that lunch yesterday went well…" she attacks again, earning her a swat in the upper arm from her girlfriend.

"Let it go, Olivia!" Sylvia comes to my aid.

"Thank you," I say, nodding and smiling.

"What?! I'm just saying it must have been a very long lunch if Cosima needed to spend the night," Olivia points out, raising both her hands in a surrender gesture.

I narrow my eyes and glance at her. "The lunch was good, but we had to get back to have an even better dessert," I offer just before I quickly retreat to the bedroom, but still have time to hear the loud laughs with which my revelation was received.

When my stare meets Cosima in the same position I've left her, she has a large smile and her raised brow leads me to suspect she has heard the words I've tossed at my mosey roommate.

"Dessert, huh?" She confirms my suspicions.

I roll my eyes and send the robe flying across the room until it hits Cosima square in the face. "Put that on and go to the bathroom!" I say, faking a stern face as a way to ignore her increasingly loud laughs. "You can take a shower if you want, but your panties are probably still wet."

Cosima stops laughing, but the wide smile remains. "I really can't say that surprises me," she hints with an arched brow.

I clench my jaw and my nostrils flare, but force the smile to stay at bay. "Get moving! I'll think of something."

"Bossy!" She complains jokingly, but throws the robe over her shoulders and walks outside.

I hear them talking outside accompanied by a few deep laughs and allow myself to laugh quietly as well. Moving around the room to put some order in the tossed bedsheets, finding Cosima's glasses tangled in the midst of them and place them on the nightstand, next to her phone that she plugged to my charger. After finding a pair of loose sweatpants and put them on, I look around, pleased to see some order to my usually tidy bedroom. I return to the living room, but my friend and Sylvia are nowhere to be seen and I hear them talking in the kitchen. The sound of the shower running comes from the bathroom and automatically I move in that direction, silently closing the door behind me.

Smirking, I approach the shower stall where Cosima is humming some song and remains completely unaware of my presence, quickly removing my clothes. It's not until I'm sliding open the stall that she stops rubbing her shoulders with the foamy loofah and turns her head around. I see her smile just before she looks ahead again, pretending to be unmoved by presence.

Without hesitation I press myself against her, my hands smoothing their way along her waist, then reaching around to the soft skin of her stomach, feeling it twist slightly at my touch. "Bossy?" I playfully ask, brushing my lips along her neck and she lets her head fall against me with a low moan.

"It was def not a complaint," Cosima clarifies in a raspy voice, her free hand reaching behind my head and pulling me closer.

"Uh huh…" I hum against the expanse of skin she offers with the stretch of her neck, while my hands slowly move lower.

Cosima's body begins to shift, making sure we're in full contact and I take that as an invitation to keep exploring further. I'm vaguely aware of the loofah falling onto the floor of the shower stall as Cosima frees her other hand and moves it to the underside of my butt cheek, tugging me against her. Somehow my sex ends up pressed against her ass just in the right way and I briefly wonder if our bodies compliment each other in a way that totally escapes any logical explanation. A strangled moan escapes my lips and my hand moves lower, never losing contact with her slick skin but making no stops along the way. Soon enough, I'm reaching between her legs, fingers pushing up to part her and caress gently. She groans and her hips thrust backwards, her hands demanding against me, squeezing tighter around me and I match her movements with my hips.

We move together for a while, the tip of my fingers brushing with an almost casual ease. Cosima pants into the foggy air, but it's low and it's easily concealed by the sound of the water hitting the shower floor. When I press harder a louder moan reaches my ears, and I feel the ache steadily growing between my own legs knowing the wetness gathering there has nothing to do with the hot water washing over my shoulders and on top of my head, sliding down the back of my neck and along my back. My left hand leaves Cosima's lower torso, where it has been pulling at her, making sure we remain pressed together and moves to her right breast, fondling it with energetic tugs and this time Cosima groans even louder, her ass pushing against me in a sudden motion and I start to feel the desperation rising in her echoed by my body.

Regrettably, I leave the pebbled flesh and reach for the hand she has secured at my side, locking our fingers together, and encouraging her to steady herself against the warm, tiled wall in front of her. I push inside her in a smooth, deep thrust, and her fingers tightly flex around mine as a completely different kind of wetness surrounds my fingers. Steadily pushing inside her, my long arms allow me full liberty to reach deep and I have fully intention to use it.

"Ohhh… Yeah!" She groans between a clenched jaw, and despite what she said earlier, Cosima is trying to contain her sounds. "Faster!" She demands, with the nails of the hand around my neck sinking in my flesh.

I give into her request, pumping with greater strength, not worried about it being too much; how could I? Cosima's body responds in kind, her hips jerking in strong movements to meet my fingers while my own hips start to piston against her, feeling some sort of relief from the contact my swollen clit makes with the soft flesh of her ass. When I curl my fingers it is all but done, Cosima's moans echoing off the tile, and I can't find it in myself to care about whether we can be heard outside or not. I continue to thrust into her in quick, steady pushes, feeling the fingers she has around mine, pressed against the wall tightening at the same pace of my thrusts while my hips crash against her skin and every thrust sends an electric pulse to my clit, causing me to rub harder, searching for a more gratifying friction. But, all too soon, I feel Cosima's body pressed to mine start to tremble and soon after she muffles a sharp "fuck" against the skin of my arm, and I have extended to keep my balance, her teeth sinking just barely but enough to make me hiss.

I want to give her the time she needs to recover, I really do. I don't want her to think I'm being selfish, however I can't keep my hips from thrusting against her, slower now and with gentler motions, but still going. Cosima's head is dipped, her breathing coming in heavy gasps and she inhales harshly when I slide my fingers out, moving upwards along her sex, giving one long circle over her clit that makes her give a sudden jump and my hips to powerfully rock once against her. I groan with my lips on top of her shoulder, forcing my arm to settle around her waist, but I continue to pull at her and my hips don't stop their rotating motions.

Cosima starts to return the flow of my waist and this tells me she has probably regained at least part of her wits. Her dreadlocks are scratching against the skin of my shoulder when she leans her head on me again, her lips finding my jawline and graze it slowly, her teeth nibbling softly and I can feel the smile on her lips.

"Need something?" She whispers in a voice filled with mischievous intentions, while the hand she had pressed against the wall disengages to glide along my arm.

"Cosima, please…" I manage to get out, feeling her hand find room between our bodies and rest on my hip bone. "I was so close."

When I think she would move her hand lower to give me what I obviously need, that same hand pushes me back and I lose the contact with her body as she gives a small step forward and turns around for us to be face to face. I give a frustrated groan, the arm that was around her waist skimmers lower and harshly I try to pull her to me again, with my hand roughly tugging at her backside. Cosima grins and places a hand on the center of my chest, pushing me gently, the other arm, however, remains on top of my shoulder.

"You started this…" she says with a smirk on her lips, but the sudden dry swallow betrays her bravado, "why don't you finish it?"

I raise my brow. "Cosima, mon amour…" I start, only to have her take another small step back, her eyes darting along my body, the tip of her tongue slowly licking her upper lip, gathering the water that continues to pour on us and her teeth pull at it in anticipation.

Seeing this I decide to just go for it and give her the show she's apparently expecting. My hand leaves the wall and quickly reaches for the back of her neck to tug her for a hard kiss, my tongue immediately pushing past her lips and sweep the roof of her mouth, eliciting a deep moan from her, while I use the hand still strongly groping her ass to spin us around. Leaning back in the corner of the wall, avoiding the faucet and the spray of water, I draw her closer. My left arm moves up and settles on top of her shoulder, and I pull back, leaving her mouth with an rough tug of my teeth on her bottom lip. Cosima has her characteristically half smirk when our eyes meet again, but once more the shaky pull of air she takes gives her away. Her eyes zero in on my hand when it abandons the supple skin of lower back and moves to twitch just below my bellybutton and she swallows audibly, her expression fully concentrated on what's happening before her. For my part, my gaze never leaves her face, focused on gathering every little reaction I get from her, satisfied to see her eyes doubling in size when I use the faucet to support my left leg, steadying myself with the foot on it, opening my legs wider.

It's something that hasn't even ever crossed my mind; why do this when I have a perfectly competent lover in front of me, but seeing Cosima frozen in place, wide eyes moving quickly to meet mine only to return to my hand again before she gives what I assume to be an involuntary step forward in my direction is beyond arousing. She manages to maintain enough distance to watch me, I don't hesitate to move my hand lower and use a single finger to slide along my sex. I swallow a moan, but Cosima's evidently not able to keep her appreciation for herself, she groans softly, a sound remarkably resembling the purr of a cat. She places her hands on either side of my head, supporting herself against the wall, leaving the length of her arms between us and this time her eyes linger on my expression, an almost predatory gaze shadowing them, a devious smirk on her lips. Part of me wonders if she's patting herself on the back, thinking she has successfully corrupted me, while the other part of me decides to agree with her.

I've touched myself before, of course, but never like this; never for the benefit of a lover, and yet it feels infinitely better than all those other times. Even if compared with the last few months when the culmination came with her name on my lips and her image in my head; those times pale in comparison. I don't know if it's caused by Cosima's hungry gaze traveling along my body, seemingly unable to just pick a feature to focus on, her body constantly twitching and her teeth nibbling her lower lip, or if it's the result of being so worked out from before, but I never felt myself this wet.

I let my index and middle finger slide along the inside of my folds, the slickness of arousal coating my entire sex makes the move smooth and covers the tip of my fingers. Cosima's tongue licks her lips again before she presses them, turning the pink flesh almost white with the force she's applying, but her position remains the same, even as I see from the corner of my eye the muscles of her arms tensing, as if she's fighting the urge to move them. I continue to stroke myself, running my fingers up and down, caressing the side of my clit, but never really getting there, even as the two fingers close in, I avoid touching its tip. At the same time my hips start to buck forward gently, rolling at the pace of my strokes.

I notice a grin curling up a corner of her lips as she brings her face close to mine, our noses graze against each other, but keeping the distance between our bodies. "Touch your clit, Delphine," Cosima says in a small voice, sounding almost too tender considering her words.

She gives me a light kiss on my bottom lip before she retreats, dropping her gaze to see if I do as she says. Slowly, I let my fingers close the gap and trap the little nub between two fingers, running the fingertips across tip, feeling an electric jolt along my upper thighs that causes me to tremble slightly. Unable to hold Cosima's stare any longer, I lean my head back against the corner of the wall behind me and release a deep moan that I can't swallow. However, my caress remains slow, there's no urgency in my moves, my fingers circle over my clit unhurriedly, my hips easily rotating with them before I change the motions and start to glide them along the length of my sex again, this time pressing harder when they move over the swollen nub.

Cosima's fingers curling around my raised thigh brings my eyes abruptly back to her. Her stare is locked on my face, dark orbs avidly taking in my every move, her jawline constantly tensing and relaxing and her breathing heavy. The illusion of control she was trying to project is quickly fading and a more volatile side of her is gradually taking its place. I can sense it in the pressure she's applying with the fingers she has around my thigh; in her hand moving along my thigh and the way her body is starting to buck in my direction.

Cosima is a rainbow of layers. I've never met anyone who could so effortlessly navigate between states of mind; who could, in a split second, move from sweet tenderness to molten hunger, unafraid of showing her emotions in such a raw way. She's a unique creature that I'm enjoying every step of discovery we take. Or perhaps it's the scientist in me that continues to push forward, or maybe it's something that would happen regardless of it, perhaps is not me at all and it's only Cosima; it's the way she carries herself that leads everyone around her to want something more from her. In a way, that thought saddens me: if I'm right then Cosima has a heavy burden to carry with people constantly demanding more from her and I'm no different.

"Je t'aime," I feel compelled to whisper, my arm abandoned on top of her shoulders wraps around her neck to pull her closer.

And there it is, the tenderness is back in her gaze as she takes the light pressure and moves closer to me, her lips gently kissing me. "I know you do," Cosima responds in a soft voice before her mouth journeys lower to my neck, her teeth grazing along my skin.

I feel her body pressed against mine, her lower abdomen in full contact with the back of my hand still softly moving along the slick flesh of my sex, while the hand she has on the outside of my thigh relaxes and starts to smooth forward, until it rests on my ass and the upper arm is in contact with the outside of my leg. Cosima's other hand moves as well, she's no longer using it to support herself and the fingertips roll over the skin of my neck and go down to cup my breast, the pad of her thumb circling around my hardened nipple in slow motion. Her lips continue to nibble and suck the stretched skin of the side of my neck and her hips are gently rocking against me, the movement guiding the hand I'm using to touch myself, while my entire body follows the motions, seeking more contact, an unstoppable search for her body.

"I love you too," she murmurs, her lips moving on my collarbone and her right hand gliding on top of my leg, her fingers pressing along the area where my leg is bent and all the way down, to the apex of my thighs, running two of them up along each side of my sex and when she reaches up, I feel those same digits covering the ones I'm using.

I pause my movements momentarily, but she won't let me; her fingers encourage mine to keep going, but she maintains the smooth brushes, not interested in rising the pace and the hand on my breast squeezes more deliberately. At the same time, her body continues to dance with mine, encouraging each caress, causing me to leave my fingers on my clit with an abandon ease.

"I thought you wanted me to finish this," I remind her almost chuckling, had it not been for her fingers inching forward and making my hips jump with the sudden pressure.

"I still do," she groans and moves to cover my entire hand with hers, pushing ahead.

I would laugh if it weren't for the fact that she slowly started to guide our fingers lower, leaving my little nub and sliding down. Both of our middle fingers play at the entrance, circling around it before Cosima, with a smooth move, slips them both inside. My sudden moan is echoed back by the walls of the small space; the arm on top of her shoulder curls around her neck and I find purchase on her dreads to indelicately force her head up while I lower my own and capture her lips. Cosima swallows my growls and our tongues battle one another in a war with no rules; when I push mine into her mouth roughly, Cosima sucks it greedily and when I pull out she moves to bite my lower lip, tugging it with a groan of her own. Meanwhile her hands grow more impatient, after a final rugged grope, her hand leaves my breast and finds my lower back, pulling at me with a strong grip and the other increases our rhythm. She presses the palm of her hand against the back of mine, making its heel hit my clit in steady, deliberate brushes.

I feel my inner walls squeeze my finger and I know Cosima's feeling exactly the same. She leaves both our digits inside, not moving back out but curling forward, my wetness rolls down our fingers, while under Cosima's guidance, the heel of my hand moves in circular motions and my hips begin to rock forward, finding a barrier in Cosima's body, swaying against me in a much more passive pace, but the tension in her muscles make a perfect anchor.

"Putain de merde!" I'm clenching my jaw, willing my voice not to raise too much, but when I my inner walls contract, my body quakes desperately and I can't keep it inside.

I'm still coming when I feel Cosima's hand pulling me down to hide my face in the crook of her neck where I bite probably harder than I should, while my free arm surrounds her shoulders, my nails sinking harshly on her skin. She doesn't protest, instead her body continues to crash against mine and holding my forward momentum, the finger she has buried inside me, still pressed against mine, not allowing me to stop my motions, until I've ridden out my climax entirely.

"I love to feel you come," Cosima says in a low, broken voice, once my shaking finally stops, nudging my cheek with her forehead until I look at her and meet her smiling lips for a lazy kiss.

She slides our fingers out with ease, her body remaining in contact with mine, but still with enough room to bring our hands up between us and push my middle finger to her mouth and suck it gently, her heavy gaze not leaving mine. I quiver a bit, both my arms move to wrap around her small frame and pulling her to me, immediately covering her lips, but still feeling a little shaky. In the course of the our kiss, we relax into each other and it becomes a light trade of sighs, our hands softly caressing along increasingly cooling skin.

"We should get out," I reach her cheek and rub my thumb over it, still with our lips touching.

When we finally leave the shower, we're wrinkled like prunes, I have no idea how long we've spent in there, but I'm sure it has been long enough to make our… activities obvious. As we get dressed, my mind goes over all the possible teasing Olivia will no doubt grace me with and yet, I really don't seem to care much about it.

"What are we gonna do about this?" Cosima asks smiling, fully dressed but for the underwear dangling between her fingers.

I shrug but take them and hide them among the ball of towels that are destined to the wash. "I guess you can use some of mine," I propose.

"Or…" she continues to smile and pauses for effect, "I could go commando!"

"In the scooter?!" I gasp, raising my brows.

"So… that's a no, then?" She concludes with humor.

I pull at her waist with my free hand. "Yes, that's a no!" I confirm, brushing my lips on hers.

She chuckles. "What I said: bossy!" Cosima says, giving me a harder but quick kiss and stepping back, reaching the door and opening it before I have time to say anything else.

I follow her outside and see her walking into my bedroom, supposedly to look for underwear. Next my eyes fall on the living room, thankfully vacant of any occupiers and the voices coming from the kitchen makes me believe we might've actually escaped being discovered. Carrying the towels in my arms I walk into the kitchen, using my shoulder to push open the door and find Olivia and Sylvia next to each other, leaning over an open window with their shoulders pressed together, talking lowly. It's only when I'm stuffing the things in the washer that they notice my presence and turn around.

"Is the bathroom finally free?" Olivia asks with an expression that doesn't allow me to guess what she knows.

"Oui," I answer nodding and start the machine.

Next thing I know, Sylvia is dashing out the kitchen with incredible speed. I swallow dryly and a tinge of guilt settles in my gut; she obviously has been waiting for Cosima and I to get out. I press my lips together, my stare locked on the door swinging back and forth.

"Shower sex is a whole new level," my friend's voice reaches me and confirms my earlier suspicions.

"Sorry," I say meekly, looking back at her. "We shouldn't have occupied it for so long."

"Oh, Del, I can't really blame you," Olivia laughs. "You have a lot of lost time to make up to."

I give a small smile, pleased to have my friend at my side. "Yes…" I comment lowly, reaching for the bread on top of the counter that Olivia has probably brought this morning. "Cosima's very determined to make sure you don't break her face…" I finish staring sharply at my roommate.

She laughs shamelessly and shakes her head. "Promises of violence always get people going." I hum, unconvinced. "Hey, when I said I'd be your champion I meant it! I take that job very seriously."

"My knight in shining armor…" I chuckle, spreading butter on a slice of bread.

Cosima enters the kitchen just in time to snatch my breakfast and in one bite takes away half of the thing.

"Hungry?" Olivia asks with a playfully raised brow.

Cosima nods energetically and swallows. "Hey, Olivia, what's up?" She says when she can.

"Apart from the two of you keeping my girlfriend from using the bathroom for almost a hour - all good!" Olivia answers rapidly, her expression not allowing Cosima or myself to know if she's pissed for real. At least not until she breaks down and starts to laugh. "Oh dude, you should see your faces…" she takes a poke at us before she leaves the kitchen.

I look at Cosima just as she takes the rest of the bread into her mouth and raises a brow at me, vigorously chewing her meal. I shrug and start to work on another slice of bread, feeling her eyes peeking over my shoulder, her body pressed against mine.

"Are you staying for lunch?" I ask her, my eyes on what I'm doing on the balcony.

"Nope, can't," Cosima answers, her hand unsurprisingly reaching for the piece of bread I have prepared. "Lunch with mom," she informs me.

Finally, having a slice of bread to myself, I turn to look at her. "Oh?" Is all I say, not wanting to probe more than she'd be comfortable revealing.

"Yeah," she nods. "I ditched her yesterday," at this she smiles, "but today there's no possible escape."

"You don't seem particularly excited about it," I comment between bites, leaning my lower back against the counter.

Cosima shrugs dismissively. "My mom has this vision of me…" she starts, but pauses briefly and I can see a shadow trespassing her eyes. "Let's just say I'm not exactly the little girl she wants me to be."

I hum and leave it at that. This is the most Cosima has opened up to me about her family, she barely mentions them and the few times she has talked about her family, I gathered that her relationship with both parents is far from easy. Still, I refuse to push her. She's slowly revealing herself to me and I'm determined to let her do it at her own pace.

"You could come over after," I say with my free hand moving to play with the lower seam of her shirt.

The smile returns to her lips and the frown she had disappears. "Hmm… I'd really like that."

"But…" I coax her, sensing there's something more to it.

"But I don't know when I'll be free again," she continues. "And I promised Jen to have diner with her; apparently I have a birthday gift to collect."

"Okay," I say nodding and smiling when I feel her arm go around my waist and pulling herself up, her nose brushing sweetly against mine.

"Although, I think I'll be very disappointed with all my presents this year," she hints. "After last night…" Cosima pushes herself back and winks, "and this morning…"

I laugh nervously. Don't really know why, but I do, lowering my head to hide the unexpected blush. However, Cosima's not having it, she moves her hand to the base of my neck and forces our eyes to meet again, pulling my head up with her thumb under my chin.

"Delphine…" she calls my name in a tender, low voice and I hum, acknowledging her. "Can we have some coffee?" Cosima asks in the same tone, but her eyes are bright with joy.

"Brat!" I say loud and push her back with my hand on her shoulder.

Cosima's still laughing when the strong beverage starts to drip into the pot that she has prepared. She makes enough for the four of us and we enjoy it with some light conversation, sitting around in the living room. After we're done, Cosima starts to collect her things to leave, making a point to leave the pink helmet on top of the big table we have in the living room.

Cosima and I are by the front door, she has her helmet in one hand while the other arm is around my waist. "Don't worry," she whispers in my ear when I lean my head to kiss her, "I didn't pick one of your black, lacy panties, but I definitely want you in those the next time." Her hand skimming lower on my back.

"Oh my god!" Olivia's voice intrudes. "Not by the front door!"

I turn my head back to give her an ugly look, but my friend doesn't get easily intimidated, instead she flips me the middle finger and shows me her tongue. I shake my head and laugh.

"You better go," I say to Cosima when I look at her.

She nods and accepts my kiss before she moves to the elevator. I don't close the door until I hear it starting to move down, but when I do, I immediately remove one of my slippers and aim at my friend, who still has a stupidly big smile. Sylvia shows a remarkable display of instinct moving her head back to dodge it and it lands weakly on Olivia's chest. Despite the fact that it couldn't have possibly hurt her, she makes a big deal about it, laying on the floor as if hit by a bullet and wraps both arms around her torso, cursing loudly.

"Oh… Shut up!" I say loud, rolling my eyes.

Sylvia stays with us the rest of the day and it's already well past midnight when she starts to get up from the couch and says she should leave. Watching Olivia's expression fall a bit, I encourage her to stay and go to my bedroom; it's the least I can do. But that doesn't mean I'm willing to hear them all night. It's when I'm reaching for my mp3 player on the nightstand that I notice Cosima's phone abandoned alongside my headphones. Hesitating only for a moment I finally decide to press the unlock button but find it turned off, only the charged battery information appears on the screen. I unplug it and decide it's just better to give it back tomorrow.

It doesn't take long before my mind to settle, lulled by the low, soft jazz playing close to my ears.

The next day I wake up feeling my energies fully restored and leave even before anyone comes out of Olivia's bedroom; she was wise and had made sure she'd have Monday mornings free. I wasn't so lucky and my schedule is packed today, I hardly have time to miss Cosima's coffee.

After lunch I finally have some free time before I need to go to the lab, but am surprised not to find the petite brunette sitting at the table we usually occupy. Instinctively, I reach for my cell to text her only to realize her own device is in my bag, waiting for me to see Cosima and give it back to her. She doesn't show up at the library, nor is she waiting for me at the door of the laboratory.

I'm avoiding jump to conclusions while trying to stay focused on my work when I hear the door open. The breath of relief is not expelled because I remind myself that Cosima doesn't have a key.

"And how are we doing today, Ms. Cormier?" Dr. Ford asks when I spin my head to look at her.

"All good," I answer nervously, extremely aware of the person missing today and how the professor reacted to Cosima's constant absence.

"No partner today," she says it lightly, moving closer to me.

"I… hmm… no," I answer confused.

"Cosima called me and said she was feeling sick and couldn't make it," Dr. Ford informs me, eyeing me closely as if she's trying to figure if Cosima's words were true.

"Oh… I had no idea," I say honestly, finally stopping what I was doing and turn my body fully to the woman leaning against the desk directly behind me.

"Really?" She asks dubiously.

I nod. "I haven't talked with her today," I explain. "In fact, I have her phone with me."

The professor raises her brow. "Why would that be?" She asks, almost smiling.

I breathe out heavily, annoyed to have said something I really didn't have to. "She left it at my place yesterday," I admit but try to use a dismissive tone. "How would she call you?" I ask, eager to change the subject.

"How should I know?" She shrugs. "Perhaps you should visit her and make sure it's not too serious," she proposes, but there's something in her voice that tells me there's more to it than good intentions.

"You want me to make sure she isn't just cutting school," I assume, raising a brow in her direction, "that she's really sick."

Dr. Ford discreetly grins. "What if I am?"

"Well, I can't do that," I say turning back around. "I don't know where she lives."

"I thought you two were seeing each other," she comments confused. "You want me to believe you've never been at her place?"

"I _have_ been there," I answer in an all too casual voice, "I just… don't exactly remember where it is."

I have no idea what she makes of that, but it leads her to snort lowly. "Okay… I'll give you the address we have on file," she tells me before she walks out the door.

The professor stops by the lab again before I leave and gives me a small piece of paper with an address scribbled on it. I hail a cab when I'm outside campus and give the driver the same piece of paper, not surprised when he drives away from the town center and in the harbor's direction.


	48. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My timing sucks... sorry for a chapter like this at a time like this.  
> Thanks to Cophine, my beta

The cab rolls slowly down the road, a small street which leads to nowhere, causing the driver to give me more than a few glances through the rearview mirror. I pay little attention to it, my eyes more focused on the very last building and that while it does look familiar, an uncomfortable twist is starting to grow in my stomach. The last and only time I was here it wasn't exactly a stellar experience, so perhaps that's the reason behind my growing apprehension. Or maybe it's because, even though I'm obviously in the right place, Cosima's scooter is nowhere to be found. Although I could be reading too much into it, she has plenty of space to park the thing.

The cabby is reluctant to leave me here alone, I can see it by the face he gives me when I pay for the fare and even I think twice about let him go. However, I have the number for the taxi company saved on my cell and, now that I was awake during my ride, I know that a main road isn't too far away. So I let him leave and walk to the door where Cosima had leaned on and had watched me leave many months before.

One last hesitation crosses my mind but I push it aside, shaking my head and chuckling as I knock on the iron door. I wait a few seconds but it remains closed, I don't even hear a sound that would signal that someone is approaching to let me in. Frowning, I look around and spot a small, white button which I assume to be the doorbell and I press it. It makes a loud, irritating noise and is sure to get the attention of Cosima if she is inside. But a few more seconds pass without signs of a living soul and I start to worry that Cosima is in fact really sick and that Dr. Ford's assumptions couldn't be further from the truth.

Finally I start to sense movement inside the big house and after just a little bit the door makes a noise similar to a metallic complaint when it's slide open. For what feels like a long moment my heart stops, my brain struggles to understand the image before my eyes, to assimilate what I'm seeing with what has become a certainty in my mind.

"Oh… look what the cat dragged in…" Kate's mockery makes me narrow my eyes at her, all the hatred I feel for the girl quickly rising.

"Where is she?" I don't know what kind of force is taking over me, but it's powerful enough to make me shove the other woman aside and barge into the house.

"Who knows? Probably sleeping it off in someone else's bed," she continues in the same tone, removing the towel from her head and that was probably the reason why it took her so long to answer the door. "You see, Cosima's not really the most loyal person these days."

I ignore her, looking around the place in search for Cosima but not finding her, at least not in the ground level. Signs of Cosima's presence is scattered around the large space; a book that I've seen her with is sitting on top of a low coffee table, loose sheets which I've seen with her notes are sticking out between its pages. The desk that's against a wall, has a few more books on it, but the computer I know it belongs to the small woman isn't there.

"Is she upstairs?" I ask with my stare returning briefly to Kate before it continues to move around the place and settle on the second floor balcony.

"You seem too familiar with my house for my liking."

This time, it's impossible for me to dismiss her words, I'm absolutely not ready for this information and hearing it makes me spin my head quickly in Kate's direction. And she knows she had hit a nerve, her self-satisfied smirk leaves no room for doubts. It apparently gives her pleasure to know that she can have this sort of leverage over me, and she walks around the large space to the improvised kitchen, taking her time in filling a glass with water and drinking it down, savoring the moment while I fight not to lose the last bit of patience I have left.

"She never told you, did she?" Kate gives a small, humorless laugh. "It's so like her… continuously avoiding the serious discussions."

I breathe deeply, willing my voice not to sound too desperate, too weak, I refuse to show this woman what's really going on inside my head: that this feels like yet another treachery on Cosima's part. "I just want to know where she is, I have something that belongs to her." I state simply, trying to give her as little information as possible.

"We had a good thing going on, you know, Cosima and I, before you got in the middle of it," she says bitterly, speaking the words with poison in her tongue.

"I didn't even know you existed when I met Cosima," I point out matter of factually, "let alone that she had a… whatever you were." I don't mean to sound so hateful, I refuse to give her more ammunitions, she already has a higher ground as it is, but there's no subtle way to say it.

"No, you didn't know," Kate says and by her tone I can sense she's about to strike again. "All you knew was that your best friend was falling for her," she has the same smirk she had before as she gives a few steps in my direction. "Some friend you are!"

"When Olivia and Cosima were together we never…" I start but quickly stop and shake my head. "You know what? Fuck you! I don't owe you any explanations." At least I reach a breaking point and my voice starts to raise.

"Of course you don't, even because there's no justification for what you did," she mocks again. "You seem selfish enough to overlook your supposed best friend's feelings."

"We love each other," I know it's a poor reason, but I'm pretty sure that it's the right one. "That's my justification."

Kate's smirk falls visibly and I know I made some damage. I would feel ashamed of it if she wasn't trying to hurt me just as bad. But her defeat only lasts a moment, and she's recovering, raising her head to me and looking me straight in the eyes while she gets uncomfortably close.

"You do? Are you sure about that? Do you have any idea how many times I've heard Cosima say that to me?" She provokes, her blue eyes blazing with anger, her words thrown like knifes targeting my soul. "How can you say you love someone that you don't even know? Someone who refuses to share with you her living conditions, let alone her darkest secrets?"

I can't avoid her stare, nor can I duck away from her words. The truth is, Kate's right; she's saying this with the single purpose of hurting me, of knocking me out, but she is right. And the worst part is that this is not something new to me. In fact, it's something I've suspected since I met Cosima and that has become a certainty in my mind the last few weeks. Cosima's mind remains a mystery; something that she still keeps hidden from me, and no matter how much I'd like to ignore, it continues to haunt me, constantly in the background of my thoughts when I'm with her. I thought I could wait for her, wait until she's ready to tell me. Patiently waiting until Cosima feels comfortable enough to trust me with something she obviously reserves for herself. And I still do; I still want her to reveal herself to me at her own pace, but that doesn't mean that Kate's knowledge of something about Cosima which I'm still in the dark about doesn't sting.

"Ask her!" Her encouragement is packed with poison, words that I know are meant to spread discord. "Ask her about Sarah and let's see if she'll tell you the truth," Kate is so close to me that I can smell the black raspberry of her shampoo, her glare with open hostility. "And if she does, I wonder if you will so easily profess your love for her."

Instinctively, I take a small step back but my stare continues to be fixed on hers, Kate might have an apparent edge over me, she might have knowledge I don't possess, but I refuse to accept defeat. I fill my lungs with a deep breath, my entire body tenses and I summon strength from places I didn't know I have. "You can say whatever you want. You can try to turn me against her," my voice is calm, almost soft. "But at the end of the day, it's me Cosima wants to be with; it's me she reaches out to when she feels like the world is collapsing around her." I take Cosima's phone from my bag and place it on top of the book on the coffee table. "You represent her past and I'm not surprised that you know things about her that I still need to discover. But I'm her future and I think it's time for you to accept that and step aside. If you ever loved her, you'll let Cosima live her life."

This time Kate doesn't respond, with her eyebrow raised, she observes in silence while I adjust my bag's strap on my shoulder and get ready to leave. "I'd appreciate if you return that to her," I say with my hand pointing at the little device. "She forgot it in my place the other night and I'm sure she needs it."

I don't wait for a reply, instead I walk quickly to the door, slide it open and close it in one smooth movement. While I managed to leave with my dignity intact, the instant I'm outside I allow the heaviness in my heart to pull me down, giving a few steps in the direction of the main street but feeling my legs too shaky. I can hear the traffic not too far away when I finally give in and lean my back against a brick wall belonging to one of the last buildings of the road. The beginning of a panic attack causes my breaths to come out strangled and shallow, I bring my hand to my chest willing my mind to calm down and for my breathing to steady. Despite my words to Kate, it's impossible to continue to pretend that what she said didn't hit a nerve and her words are constantly ringing inside my mind. I honestly don't know what hurts the most: the fact that Cosima didn't tell me the circumstances of her living arrangements - something she had plenty of opportunities to reveal - or that she continues to keep from me elements of her past that clearly have marked her.

I can understand that she needs time to think things through, to be at ease with me to the point that she won't feel the need to protect herself, shielded by secrets. And I do know that because she's known Kate for much longer, it's normal for them to have shared stories from their pass. I try to accept it and move on. Like I said, Cosima and I are supposed to have more than enough time to find out what is it that has molded her into the woman she is today. In fact, I long for it, to slowly watch her reveal herself to me. This hasn't changed, but having Kate throw that at my face because Cosima has left me waiting for an explanation long enough to allow Kate to have this advantage over me, that is what I hate the most. I admit that Cosima has the right to her privacy and to tell me what she feels like at her own pace, but knowing that in doing so has put me in an uncomfortable position, has me fuming.

It takes a lot of effort for me to restart to walk and reach a street where the traffic is constant. However, instead of immediately hailing a cab, I walk for a while. The late afternoon is chilly, there's a soft but cold breeze sweeping the streets that makes me shiver lightly. I pull the coat tighter around my torso, but welcome the cold; it feels almost comfortable around me and I just wish that the wind was strong enough to drag away my raging thoughts. I'm not so lucky, and after a good half hour walking around my mind isn't any calmer now than it was when I left Kate to ruminate my words. I'm not sure exactly where I am, only that the night is closing in when I step inside the taxi that will drive me home.


	49. Good Intentions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small chapter to set things up...  
> As always, thanks to Cophine

I arrive home still feeling the annoying sting of betrayal under my skin. I can try to rationalize it until I've run out of arguments, try to understand Cosima's point of view, her constant refusal to share her burden with me despite my attempts, but since I don't know the root of her problems, reaching a conclusion other than she simply doesn't trust me is quite impossible. And I wish it wasn't so, but the fact that Kate obviously has this knowledge only deepens the wound. I know they have a past together and they've known each other for much longer, but that isn't justification enough for leaving in confusion. I also know there's more than that, that under all this cluster of emotions, it's jealousy that guides my mind; an uncomfortable sense that the two of them share something that Cosima won't with me. But isn't it understandable to feel this way? I've changed my life for her... well, maybe not for her, but because of her; asking Cosima to let me know something about her that Kate, of all people, does, seems extremely reasonable.

"Everything alright over there?" My roommate asks, proving that the turmoil in my mind is rather evident.

I'm taking off my shoes and placing them by the door after I've hung my coat up. "What do you know about Cosima's past?" I ask point blank, too tired to tiptoe around the subject.

Olivia seems surprised by my question, cocking a brow and tilting her head. "About her past? How so?"

I press my lips and fish a cigarette from my purse along with a lighter. Taking a few contemplative drags while my friend observes me curiously, I sit on one of the chairs and face her. "What about the fact that Cosima is living with Kate? Did you know that?"

Olivia doesn't need to answer, the clear absence of surprise in her expression is all the answer I need. "How did you find out?" She asks instead.

"Jesus fucking Christ Olivia!" I shout, the hand free of the cigarette goes to my hair and I roughly pass over it. "Didn't you think that was something worth mentioning?"

"I wasn't sure," Olivia counters in a soft voice, clearly avoiding aggravating me further. "I knew they lived together before Kate left, but I didn't know if when she got back..."

"It's Kate's fucking house!" My voice continues too high and I interrupted her despite my friend's attempt to calm me. "Even when they were not together, Cosima was living in Kate's house!" I yell, the incredulous situation still not fully accepted by my mind.

"Wow... That I didn't know!" Finally I see surprise in Olivia's expression.

"Anything else you've been keeping from me?" At this point I know I sound like an executioner, but the anger bubbling in my chest is something I really can't control in my state. Olivia doesn't say another word, but shakes her head, lowering her shoulders and avoiding my gaze. "Why didn't you tell me?" I ask in a much lower voice, feeling the exhaustion come crushing down on me.

"Like I said, I wasn't sure," she repeats, her eyes finding mine again once she noticed my calmer voice. "And I knew the moment you found out you would give up."

At this I scoff. "Would you blame me?" I ask sarcastically.

"That's exactly my point!" She says louder, aiming a hand at me. "Fuck, Delphine! I wanted you to fight for it. I wanted to see you go after something for once and not just be satisfied with what other people decided to put in your path. If that makes me a bad friend, so be it! I'm not gonna apologize for something I think is right."

"It's my life, Olivia," my voice raises again, but not as loud. "It was not up to you to decide what I should or shouldn't do, who I want to pursue or not."

I'm surprised to see Olivia smirk while hearing my words. "But you did want her. I never forced you to do anything. You went after her because you wanted to," she explains the reason of her small smile. "All I did was... conceal a small detail that I knew it would make you give up before you even started; that's it! After that, all I did was encourage you to do something wanted and supported your decisions and didn't let you quit when that was your first instinct. And I only did that because you've always given up too fucking easily."

I listen to her quietly, bringing the cigarette to my lips occasionally. "So basically you're admitting to have manipulated me..." I comment when she finishes.

"Manipulate is a strong word," Olivia's finding a hint of humor in this. "I like to think I guided you in the right direction." I roll my eyes, crushing the smoke in the ashtray and she chuckles. "But... c'mon... you can't deny you've become a better person after this."

"Yes, but at what cost?" I ask, getting up and moving to my bedroom to get my things to take a shower.

"Sure... You've gotten hurt, but I'd take that every day over living in a constant state of nothingness," she says when I return to the living room with the pajamas in hands.

"Don't push it," I warn her, turning to face her. "You're not off the hook yet!"

I retreat to the bathroom and start my routine, taking a little longer under the spray of water and making it as hot as I can stand, willing it to untangle the knots stiffening my back and forcing my mind to rest for a while. It works to some extent, at least my thoughts don't fall on Cosima, but instead I go over what my friend said. I know she meant well, that Olivia did what she did with my best interest in mind; this I can't deny. I may not agree with her methods, but there's no way I can ignore their effectiveness: I would have given up on Cosima if I had known what I know now.

Truth is, I don't regret what I've done. Yes, it was a hard journey and many times I doubted it would lead me where I wanted to go, but Olivia is absolutely right when she says I wanted this; I wanted Cosima and I still do. What I've come to know now doesn't change that, but I also want her to trust me with the darkest corners of her being. I want her to know that I can take it and that if she needs me to, I'm willing to help her fight her demons. We all have them. It never occurred to me that Cosima was any different, in fact it was something I've suspected since I met her. Perhaps I should've pushed a little harder. There were occasions when I could've done that, but I refused to mess with the precarious balance of our relationship. Am I as culpable in this as Cosima? Didn't I give enough indication that she could count on me? Perhaps, but that's not reason enough for her not to tell me something as important as the fact that she shared a fucking house with fucking Kate.

When I finally leave the bathroom, there is pizza waiting, and Olivia has already prepared everything for dinner. Her version of a peace offering. Without saying a word, I sit at the table and take a slice, filling my glass with soda. My friend follows my example, her eyes moving between what she's doing and myself, carefully observing me, waiting for any indication that she's in the clear.

"I ordered your favorite," she says tentatively.

I glare at her. "You think you can buy my forgiveness with pizza?"

"I can try..." Olivia comments taking a generous bite of her slice while she eyes me again and laughing quietly when she sees a smile involuntarily appear on my lips. "I just want you to be happy, Del."

"I know," I say nodding. "But you must understand that I didn't like being the last to know something like that."

She hums in agreement and eats the rest of her slice in silence. It's when she's going for another piece that she speaks again. "How did you find out, anyway? Did Cosima tell you?"

"Cosima doesn't tell me anything!" I feel that same anger rise. "I had to find out through Kate of all people." My friend draws her brows in confusion, so I explain further. "Cosima left her phone here yesterday and I went there to return it to her and found fucking Kate laughing at my face."

"Shit!" She says loud. "Did you throw some punches?"

I give her an incredulous look. "No, but she did... well... metaphorically, that is." I clarify. "Cosima has a lot of explaining to do."

"Are you gonna break up with her?" Olivia asks, unable to hide the sadness in her voice.

"I love her, but I also need her to trust me," I respond quickly.

"That doesn't really answer my question."

"I know, but that's what I can tell you now, I won't be sure until Cosima and I have a serious talk." She looks at me with concern in her eyes. "I'm not doing it today though, so you don't need to worry about me lashing out at her. I know I'm too upset for us to have a productive conversation and if we were to talk tonight I know I'll end up saying something I'll regret in the morning."

My friend nods in understanding. "Yes, a good night of sleep will help you clear your head, put things in perspective." She laughs then. "See... this is what I was talking about... You are thinking this through, you'd never have done that a few months ago; by now you'd already have passed judgment."

I twist my nose, but don't argue with that, she does have a point. Instead I switch the focus of the conversation to something that, while I didn't pay much attention when Kate mentioned, it has been faintly nagging me. "Do you know who Sarah is?"

Olivia frowns her brows and tilts her head. "Sarah who?"

"Don't know… Kate said something?" I shrug and feign disinterest.

"I'm sure she said a lot of shit," Olivia says with an eye roll. "You should take what she said with a grain of salt, Delphine." She advises with a conciliatory tone.

"Well… yes, I know that, but…" I stop for a moment and replay in my head Kate's words. "It was more _how_ she said it…"

"Maybe it's someone Cosima…" she stops suddenly and her lips form a thin, straight line.

"Cosima has… gone out with other girls, I'm fully aware of that, there's no need to act like that," I say somewhat lightly; it has been a while since something like that has managed to bother me. "But I don't think that's it, it felt… I don't know… personal somehow."

"Hmm… well, there's only one way to find out," Olivia summarises and returns to her pizza, apparently not giving it much thought.

I should do the same, there's no doubt in my mind that Kate would say anything to destabilize my relationship with Cosima. Yet, the sureness with which she had said that name, like it was guarantee that it is something that would create at least mistrust between Cosima and I… _that_ , is why it has been agitated.

There's not much cleaning to do after we finished dinner and soon we're half sitting half laid out on the couch; the TV playing something on the background while we both work on our computers. We exchange few words when one of us take a bathroom break or I get up to smoke a cigarette by the table, but other than that I believe we have a productive night. By the time we decide to call it a night, I've already managed to make a big dent in the program Dr. Ford has requested and am confident that I'll be able to make the deadline without many hiccups.

I don't sleep though, my mind refuses to give me respite, but at least my body does rest. When I moved to the bedroom I was not surprised to find several missed calls from Cosima; I assumed she would try this once she got her phone back - how it got to her hands, I don't even want to contemplate - which is why I'd deliberately chosen to leave the phone charging on my nightstand when I left the shower. Every fifteen minutes Cosima tried to call, sending messages in between for me to pick up the phone and saying that we need to talk. With that I agree, but, as I've said to Olivia, it won't be today and that's exactly what I text Cosima, "We'll talk tomorrow". After that I turn my phone off and roll on my side, my back to the phone and, talking a deep breath, close my eyes and try to sleep.

And somehow I actually do it, or I must have because the incessant buzzing of the doorbell startles me; bringing me upright in my bed. Another round of buzzes has me getting up and pacing to the living room, Olivia's door slamming open and her eyes wide, moving from the front door to me. By her annoyed expression it seems obvious she has reached the same I conclusion I did.

"You need to fix this Del," Olivia's voice is soft but determined.

I breathe deeply, closing my eyes and finally nod in her direction, before slowly walking to the front door and press the button that unlock the building's entrance, while at the same time I hear my friend's bedroom door being closed.


	50. Say Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo... Oh whoa... I can't believe I've stayed so long without updating this story; last time it happened Delphine was still "dead"... So, when I realized that I decided to cut the chapter I was working on and give you a little something that I think it can hold on its own. Consider this an introduction to the next one, so to speak. I really hope I can finish the next chapter (almost complete) during the next week, but it's kinda heavy so... yeah... we'll see.
> 
> That being said, I hope you still enjoy this chapter and I sincerely apologize for keeping you waiting for so long, you certainly don't deserve it after being so supportive and shown an incredible amount of patience with me for so long. I humbly bow myself before all of you.
> 
> (Sorry for the long A/N)

I wait by the apartment's open door, wanting to avoid further disturbing my neighbors this late. The moment she emerges from the elevator, I know something is wrong; her steps are unsteady, her face seems swollen, and her signature eyeliner is absent. I'm not sure of the cause, but as she approaches, the distinctive scent of marijuana reaches my nostrils.

"Can't believe you made me come all the way to your place..." her voice is a bit sluggish, but her words sound like an accusation nonetheless.

"I didn't make you do anything," I say, biting back my anger as I pull her inside by the wrist; I don't want to do this in the middle of the hall.

"You didn't pick up your phone," she continues to sound accusing, but I note a little whine in her voice. "Then you turn the thing off," Cosima adds in complaint, her purse landing roughly on the couch before rolling over, coming to rest on the floor.

"And the right answer is to ring my bell at three in the morning? Since you got your phone back, I imagine you read my text," I say bitterly, moving to pick up her purse, fortunately closed, from the ground and place it back on the couch. "And could you please lower your voice?"

"Delphine..." Cosima calls with a soft voice, attempting to close the distance, and I feel a hand grazing my back while I'm still turned.

"No!" I say and step away from her, turning to face her. "How could you keep something like that from me, Cosima? Did you think I don't deserve to know?" My demanding tone is quickly becoming weak; my cool exterior not strong enough to keep the hurt away for long.

She lowers her head and doesn't say a word for a couple of minutes while I'm stuck looking at her, annoyed that even now that I know, Cosima continues to struggle with the truth. "I was going to tell you," she finally says with a small voice, but her gaze remains on the ground, the fingers of her right hand searching for the rings that today are not on the left.

"When?" I'm back to sound demanding.

"I'm working on it, but these things take time," Cosima looks back at me, but her eyes are not fully focused on me, instead they're moving around the room, not really focused on anything.

"So, I am to assume that you'd only tell me when it was resolved, if ever... okay..." I say nodding, not finding a hint of relief in her words.

She dips her head again and swallows loudly. "It's..."

"Complicated," I finish for her and she looks at me with wide eyes, probably due to my abruptness. "Yes, I know! It's complicated and I couldn't possibly understand. Why don't you start to give me a bit more credit? You can start by why did you miss school today, because you sure as hell aren't sick."

"I _am_ sick!" Cosima assures me with a louder voice, finding some of her stubbornness. "I've spent all day on Jen's couch! My head is killing me and every muscle hurts."

For the first time since she arrived I stop to really look at her. Her pants have a weird, colorful pattern but they are definitely sweatpants and she has yet to shed her coat, buttoned to the top even though the house is warm enough for me to walk around with nothing but a t-shirt. "You have a cold," I comment in a low tone.

"You don't say..." Cosima says lightly, even her voice sounds more rough than usual, I now notice. "I was fine Sunday afternoon when I got to Jen's place, but I had a nightmarish night. The fever woke me up in a pool of sweat, and this morning I could barely lift my head from the couch."

"You smell like weed and I'm pretty sure you're high," I point out humorlessly, but struggle to stop myself from reaching out to her.

She shrugs slightly. "Painkiller."

"Cosima!" I admonish her, narrowing my eyes in her direction to keep from rolling them.

Her eyes focus on me and she moves into my personal space, but even in her condition she knows that she needs to approach me with caution. She sighs deeply, causing a rattle in her chest and shuts her eyes briefly. Then, in a sudden movement, Cosima launches herself towards me, holding me tightly with her arms around my torso and clinging to my back, her face immediately nestling in my chest and her forehead pressing against my collarbone.

"You're the best part of me," she says with a desperate, broken voice, her arms squeezing my ribs harder. "Please, don't give up on me."

I feel her shaky breath tickling my skin, the frames of her glasses biting uncomfortably into my collar bone, and hot tears quickly dampening the t-shirt I sleep in. Not knowing how to react to the unexpected crumbling, I remain unmoving, my arms stiff at my sides. Until I start to feel myself melt into the warmth of her compact form pressed against me and tentatively move my hands to cup her cheeks and raise her to meet her eyes. But she resists, shaking her head a few times and burying her face deeper into me, like a stubborn child who refuses to face the consequences of her actions.

I let my hands fall, but my body relaxes with a deep breath. "I will give up, Cosima," I whisper because I don't trust myself to give more power to my words. "If you don't talk to me, I will have no other option."

Still she doesn't move, her strong arms wrapped around me, her face hidden in my shirt. I rest my chin on the crown of her head and take another deep breath, filling my lungs with the overpowering smell of marijuana and sweat which causes me to wiggle my nose. My hands move along her biceps and squeeze lightly, but Cosima doesn't budge, not until I tug a little firmer. Finally, she relaxes her hold, her head lifting to meet my eyes. Cosima's eyebrows frown and I can clearly see that she's searching my expression, trying to discern what my next move will be. Truth is, I don't know how to proceed, how to deal with her in this condition. I let go of her arms and reach her cheeks, the pads of my thumbs brushing under her eyes, dislodging her glasses as I clean the tears away.

She sighs softly, tilting her head to the right to find comfort in my touch and closes her eyes. Instinctively, my own eyes flutter a little and I exhale as my left hand tightens on her soft skin. I feel her head tilting up, ever so slightly, her arms around me once more, but this time gently, without the desperation she had a minute ago. Cosima's looking for a kiss that I have to deny her because of the meaning it would express. It doesn't matter how vulnerable she is now - or perhaps exactly because of it - the kiss would carry a promise of hope that I'm not sure I want to give just yet.

I don't attempt to push her away though, nor do I cease the comforting touch, brushing my fingers tenderly on her soft skin.

"You need a shower," is what I say, in a gentle but steady voice.

Cosima opens her eyes again and when she finds my gaze I regard her with a little smile on my lips. She chuckles, shaking her head and twitching her nose.

"That bad, huh?" Her voice is still broken but I feel her body loosening against mine.

"Oui, that bad!" I nod and take a step back, wonder how she'll react to the small distance. Cosima relents. Her arms, while not completely releasing me, give me enough room to maneuver. That makes me believe that the worst part is over, that she's coming to her senses and maybe not feeling so overwhelmed as before. I take both her hands in mine and give a little pull. "C'mon," I encourage.

She follows me silently to the bathroom and I release her hands to shut the door quietly behind us, briefly wondering how much of our conversation was overheard by my roommate. When I turn back around I notice that Cosima has already taken off her coat and abandoned it on one of the towel racks, and is now attempting to remove her boots in a dangerous fight for balance that she's most likely going to lose. I cross the small distance and crouch before her, swatting her hands away. She doesn't resist, and instead I feel her hands grip my shoulders for balance as she steps out of the shoes. I get up and watch while she pulls the shirt over her head, the bra absent, her glasses almost falling in the process. I remove them completely and place them on the counter. When I turn back, she's observing me closely and raises her hand slowly, perhaps afraid that I would step away, but I stand still and sigh quietly when her fingers run softly over my cheek.

"I'm sorry," she says in a barely audible whisper, her eyes, usually so bright with captivating energy, are now almost dulled, her expression one of sadness mixed with guilt.

My heart clenches inside my chest so tightly that it becomes physically painful. I don't ask her why she's apologizing; even under these circumstances, all I can think of is to find a way to release some of her anguish. It seems, that despite everything, all I care about is putting an end to Cosima's sorrow and I wonder if this is normal? Is it healthy to put someone else's happiness so far above my own, especially when it could compete with my own? Part of me, the one that's more logical, more pragmatic, says probably not, but, at the same time, I know that on a deeper level, Cosima's happiness is inevitably connected with mine. If she's not happy then I can't possibly be. Her sorrow is my sorrow; her laughter is my laughter.

Although this realization shocks me, causes my heart to suddenly jump in my chest, and makes me fear what it means when my own happiness is no longer limited to my actions, I can't deny that it also makes feel more complete. The knowledge that there's another person whose happiness is as important as my own gives me a sense of purpose; I do what I do, not only to improve myself, but with Cosima's welfare in mind. Until now, I doubt I ever loved anyone before; if this is what it means to love, I certainly haven't.

I lower my head just enough to brush my lips on her forehead, Cosima whines a little, clearly expecting something more, but her free arm immediately moves around my waist, not wasting time in seeking my skin under my loose shirt.

I can't contain a light chuckle as I peel myself from her. "Here... let's get you in the shower," I encourage, stepping back and starting the water.

Cosima brushes past me, already completely naked and gets in the stall, groaning in satisfaction when the water hits her. I take the opportunity to grab her clothes and leave long enough to put them in the wash. As I walk through the living room, the phone buzzing inside her bag grabs my attention. I force my mind to not consider what it might mean, and grab the purse and take it to my bedroom, placing it on the chair. Taking clean towels from the drawer, I walk back into the bathroom, the water still running and I can distinguish Cosima's shape through the foggy, translucent glass door. She's simply standing beneath the steady stream of hot water, but the fragrance filling the small room is indication enough that, at least, Cosima has already washed.

"Are you alright?" I ask after a minute of watching her and she not moving.

I see her turn her head in my direction, perhaps not realizing I was inside the room and I wonder exactly how much has she smoked during the day.

"Yeah... I'm good," she answers and I see her hands reaching the tiled wall in front of her. "Just... hmm... a bit dizzy," she admits.

I roll my eyes, shaking my head, and without another word, I slide the door open and reach for the faucet, turning it off. I can sense her watching me while I grab the towel I brought with me and wrap her in it, trying to find a way to cover her dreadlocks as well; the large towel and her petite stature easing my efforts. It's Cosima's quiet giggles that raise my head to meet her gaze. Abandoning my task, I raise my brows.

She's staring at me with sleepy eyes, her expression much softer than before; I can even see some of her usual mischief. I pull her into a hug, her hands trapped by the towel not allowing her to return the gesture. The motion is made even more awkward by the fact that she's still inside the tub, but I hear her sigh into it and her head's resting on my shoulder.

"Delphine?" She whispers close to my ear. I hum and open my eyes, feeling her twist in my embrace. "Where are my clothes?"

"In the wash," I shrug and move back a little to allow her space to get out of the bathtub. "They smelled," I add as I remove the wet towel and wrap her up once more with a dry one.

Cosima gives me a small smile and nods. "You didn't have to..."

I shut her up by tugging at her back and say a low "c'mon".

She doesn't protest and let's me guide her to my bedroom, turning off the lights as we pass by the other rooms. I close the door behind us and my eyes move from Cosima, who's standing by the bed with a blank gaze on it, to her purse.

"Your phone has been ringing," I inform her with a neutral voice.

Cosima looks back at me and blinks a few times, as if she needs time to register my words. Her eyes track to where I directed my attention, landing on her purse. She walks over and opens it, and I watch as she retrieves the phone, her stare steady on it for no longer than a minute before she gives a long press on the power button and a slide of her finger, turning it off.

Thinking it too late to get into it, I silently approach her while she stares blankly at her darkened phone. I embrace her from behind, tugging the towel closer to her.

"We need to sleep," I say close to her ear.

Cosima drops the phone in her bag and once more lets me pull her towards the bed. Still wrapped within the towel, I lay her back on the bed and settle myself next to her, pulling the duvet over us and turn off the bedside lamp. The instant I settle, I feel Cosima inch closer, her hand coming out of its cotton cocoon to brush my hip and not stopping until it finds a way inside my shirt, over my stomach, her thumb moving in lazy circles against my skin.

When I start to feel her fingers traveling to the waistband of my sleeping pants, I catch my breath and quickly capture the tempting invader, placing my hand on top of hers and sliding it back to safer territory. However, Cosima's not easily deterred and her hand changes strategy, starting to move north, the tip of her fingers already tentatively brushing my right breast. I swallow loudly. She knows I can only take so much and is clear-headed enough to be taking advantage of it. If I let her go on like this the spring in my body will snap, not helped by the notion that she's very naked in my bed and pressed against me.

"Cosima..." I warn her in a whisper and move her hand down. "Sleep!"

She snorts. "Sorry..." I hear her whisper, the smile evident in her voice.

She doesn't settle until I allow her to drag my hand to her own body, passing the barrier of the towel to rest on the soft skin of her abdomen. Her own hand covering mine, as if she's afraid I'll move it back, feeling her breathing become steady as she falls asleep.


	51. Sins of the Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: who would've thought that Tatiana would win an Emmy before I finish this damn story!

Something startles me awake. Disoriented, I open my eyes to a dawn in full bloom with a pale, weak light shining through the slots of the bedroom shutters. I feel Cosima stir with a jerk next to me and a little whine escapes her lips; it must be the reason I woke up so early. I push myself up and stretch over her, careful not to wake her, and reach for my phone on the bedside table. 6.30, too early. Cosima whines again when I lower myself to the bed and moves again, in her restless sleep I can sense her body searching for something. I think about waking her, urging her back into the safety of reality and away from what appears to be a disturbing dream. I find her cheek with the tip of my fingers, gently moving up to pull a few dreads off her sweaty forehead. She feels too hot again, the result of a high fever, no doubt. Marijuana might relieve some of the muscles ache but does nothing to fix the high temperatures.

She's fully naked under the sheets, the towel she was covered in tossed aside during sleep and bunched on her side of the bed. After I brush my lips softly on her forehead, I slowly get up, move around the bed, and collect the towel, while I adjust the bed sheets around her, making sure she's completely covered. She shifts a bit and sighs deeply but that's all.

In the bathroom I splash some cold water on my face and neck. Moving to the kitchen I place the towel in the wash with her clothing and start the machine, so when I get up at a more respectable hour I can hang it out to dry. On a corner of our kitchen counter Olivia and I keep several water bottles and I take one and head back to the bedroom.

When I open the door, I'm surprised to see Cosima propped up on her elbows, her stare moving to the door as I close it quietly.

"For a moment I thought you had left," she says in a hoarse voice.

I approach the bed and sit on the edge of it by her side. "It's my house," I reply quietly with a smile on my lips, "where else would I go?" In the dim light I see her response in the form of a shrug. "Here, I think you need this," I say, unscrewing the bottle and handing it to her.

Wordlessly, she takes it and brings it to her lips, drinking a good amount in big gulps. Once satisfied, she gives it back and I pour some on my hand, reaching for her forehead to give her some relief. She sighs contentedly and drops back on the bed, stretching herself with a groan.

"How are you feeling?" I ask, closing the bottle and setting it on top of the nightstand where she can easily reach it.

"Much better now."

I squint at her. "I'm serious, Cosima. Weed is not a cold medicine."

"I know, I know..." she indulges me with what I want to hear and tugs at my arm with the hand she wraps around my wrist.

I shake my head but give in, gracelessly moving to reclaim my side of the bed. The moment I'm under the sheets, her arm settles around my waist, a hand casually sliding under my loose shirt to curl around my hipbone. Instinctively, I bring my hand to her forehead again, but don't get a real feel of her temperature because she quickly grabs my wrist with her free hand and pulls away.

"I'm fine, Delphine," she assures me in a steadier voice. "It's just a little cold."

I twist my lips but don't fight her. "You took care of me when I needed," I remind her, trying to justify my over attentive actions, "even when you thought I hated you."

"I never thought you hated me," she chuckles and her entire body shakes next to mine. "You never fooled me."

"You can be quite arrogant, you know that, right?" I tease light, slapping the arm she has around me softly.

Cosima continues to laugh, even as she coughs a little over it, while she settles down, closing the small gap between us and placing her head on my chest, her arm gently tightening around my ribs, and although there's awareness of her condition, I don't seem to care. My own arms surround her small form, feeling her skin still too hot under the palm of my hand, which I unthinkably rub over her lower back. My eyelids feel heavy and my mind starts to pull me back to sleep, Cosima's breathing warm as it glides along my chest.

"You're not gonna leave me, are you?" She asks in a small whisper, but it causes my heart to jolt nonetheless, convinced she had fallen asleep.

"I... No, Cosima, I'm not going to leave you," I answer, opening my eyes and lowering my head to look at her. But as she spoke, Cosima never moved her head, never looked up at me. "But I need you to talk to me; I need you to trust me." I feel her nodding and her embrace tightening. "Why didn't you tell me? Don't you think it would've been better to hear it from you than to find out the way I did?"

She exhales deeply, her chest rises and deflates in a sudden movement. "I didn't think it would matter," Cosima admits. "It was a situation that would end soon, and... I don't know... we already had so much crap to deal with..."

I pause for a minute to think about her logic, and, shockingly, I understand why she figured it was better to keep it from me; I don't agree with it, not even close, but I do understand. Through Cosima's perspective, if she was, in fact, to leave her past with Kate behind, then she thought there was no need for us to have another confrontation over something that soon would be done. Still, I would've liked to know, as it was not only unfair to keep something as serious as that from me, but it also showed the mistrust she has towards me. To be completely honest, that is probably what hurts the most.

The thing is, am I not, at least partially, responsible for that mistrust? Did I not give her reasons to fear my reaction to such news? Maybe in the past I have, but not now, not anymore. And, perhaps that's why I'm willing to let it go this time. But I need her to be aware that something like this cannot be repeated, ever.

"Let's..." I pause and exhale heavily. "Let's just make sure we don't add more crap to deal with, okay?"

"Okay," Cosima mutters while her head nods again, but her body is more rigid, her muscles tense under my touch and her breathing picks up. "But... like..." she resumes hesitantly. "I have a lot of shit at her place."

I bite my lower lip thoughtfully, too many questions hanging over my head for me to pick just one. "How long have you... lived there?" I decide to start at the beginning; there's no better time to get this out of the way.

Cosima moves from her place on top of me and slides up, laying her head on the pillow next to mine on her side, so we're face to face and she looks at me in the faint light of the bedroom, her arm, however, remains over my stomach, her fingers lightly twitching on my skin.

"Since I was seventeen," she answers in a whisper.

"Seventeen?!" My voice is loud, even more so with the silence all around us.

"As you might have noticed, I'm not on the best of terms with my parents," Cosima says with a hint of bitterness; I don't let it get to me, it seems clear that this anger is not aimed at my person.

"Is that because you're... you know..." I coax her gently.

"Gay?" Cosima chuckles. "No... I mean, my mom is not thrilled about it but... No, not entirely."

I hum and wait for further explanations. Cosima is quiet for a bit and I begin to believe that is all she intends to share. My mind duels with the choice I have to make: leave it at that and lose this opportunity or push Cosima to reveal more information and risk annoying her with my persistence. As it turns out, I didn't need to worry about it. Cosima eyes me carefully, the early morning allows us to see each other but, at the same time, we're surrounded by shadows that give the bedroom a comfortable atmosphere.

"I wasn't always an only child," she surprises me by saying, "I had a twin sister."

"Sarah," the name comes automatically to my lips and it causes Cosima to look at me with a startled gaze. "Kate... she mentioned the name." Is all the explanation I give. I don't want to influence what Cosima has decided to tell me by repeating Kate's hate filled words.

Cosima confirms my suspicion by nodding once. "She was twenty minutes older than me and the only thing we had in common was the way we looked," she says, her voice continues low but much more clear. "When we were kids, she was always so full of life, you know...one of those children who everyone gravitated to. She was not necessarily sweet and all, but she always had something funny to say, her ridiculous antics charmed the people around her. I was the opposite: very guarded, kept to myself when kids my age were joking around and playing. I preferred to be left alone in a corner, reading."

With my mind's eyes I see a young Cosima, curled up on a corner of a couch with a large book on her hands as she tells me her story. Somehow that image fits, I can easily picture a version of her much more shy, someone who regarded others with curious but suspicious big brown eyes.

She pauses, shifting on the bed until she's on her back, her stare locked on the ceiling, but far beyond it, distant, frozen somewhere in the past. I let her have her moment, but as I notice her stare becoming increasingly sadder I become more restless. My curiosity might be great, but I don't want to keep insisting if it means it'll disturb Cosima.

"You two were close, I imagine..." I comment in a low voice, hoping that it coaxes her back to better memories.

"When we were young" she nods gently, with her gaze falling back on me. "Our parents marriage was... unbalanced. It became clear to us in a very young age that, if it weren't for us, they wouldn't have lasted. They stayed together for our benefit.

"I don't think it was the best decision, though - and Sarah agreed with me. They fought constantly and we found ourselves usually in the middle of it. It was not the greatest environment to raise two kids," Cosima says sadly. "But at least we had each other, you know... and it's not like our parents didn't love us; they just didn't love each other." She chuckles humorlessly. "Not that I can blame them: my father knocked up my mother out of high school and they were young and stupid enough to think it was a good enough reason to get married."

"They thought it was the best for you and your sister," I say softly, moving to my side and looking straight at her. "Sometimes it works," I add weakly.

"Right..." Cosima snorts and perks up a little. "You wouldn't say that if you knew my parents. They could never agree on anything. And it only got worse over the years; our home became a battleground. When we were fifteen we spent the least amount of time at home, but while I was with Jen, focusing on my studies to find a way out of the house as soon as possible, Sarah became a rebel. Most nights we had no idea where she was and when she finally returned home, it was like talking to a wall."

Cosima stops again, a longer pause this time. She closes her eyes and sighs heavily, her body becomes tense again and she hesitates several times before she continues. "Looking back I know I should have done something sooner to try and bring her back before she was completely lost, but I was too wrapped up in myself to notice how distant we were becoming. When it finally dawned on me, it was already too late."

"You were just a kid, Cosima, you couldn't possibly be responsible for your sister." I speak the words involuntarily, not processing their possible meaning to Cosima. Perhaps it is too soon for me to give any sort of advice, since I don't yet know the full story. All I gather is that it seems obvious she holds at least some guilt over whatever happened.

"She was just a kid too..." Cosima replies quickly and I know immediately that it's something she tells herself often.

It's in the determined tone of her voice, strong and angry, raising a few octaves over our whispered voices and in the way her body springs up, placing herself in a sitting position. She almost gets out of bed, going as far as pushing the blankets back, but stops when I call her name softly, like something clicks inside her. Cosima looks at me, tears glistening her eyes and swallows a lump in her throat. She lets me guide her back to the bed, curling herself around me, her legs tangling with mine and dragging me close to her with an hand reaching my lower back.

"She was just sixteen, for Christ's sake," she whispers defeated, her voice breaking. "She got into with a bad crowd; I don't even know how she met them. I knew very little of her life at that point," she adds as an afterthought, like something it hadn't occurred to her until this moment. "All I know is that she became a stranger, and it didn't happen overnight - the signs were there, I just refused to read them."

"There are always things we regret, Cosima," I say in a reassuring voice, for I know all too well what it feels like to look back and wish to have done something different, to have taken another path. "It doesn't matter what choices we make, we'll always wonder what would've happened if we'd acted a different way."

She stares at me steadily, her gaze never leaving mine and yet, I know I'm only saying what she's told herself for years. I can see that these thoughts have also plagued her mind. I suppose they do everyone's; this is not an original idea, I'm yet to meet someone who, at least at some point in their lives, didn't crave a do-over, a possibility of pushing back time. Cosima's no different. However, as I look at the pain in her expression, that not even the weak light in the room can conceal, I can tell that this feeling is more severe, more urgent; it seems to consume her. In the time I've known her, I was...aware of a feeling that there was something she kept to herself, an underlying darkness which seemed to take over her mind on certain occasions. It simply never occurred to me it could run this deep.

"I'm sure of that," she answers after another long pause, "but I doubt many people can say that their bad decisions had cost them a life."

Even though I was expecting this - that she somehow finds herself responsible for what happened to her sister - it doesn't make the shock I feel any less intense. My body becomes rigid, and for a few seconds I can't breath. Cosima continues to look at me, clearly judging my response, while she gives me time to let her revelation sink in. I wish I could say that my first instinct was to reassure her, even without knowing the full extent of the story, to tell that she in no way can be responsible for such terrible faith.

"What happened?" I inquire when I find my voice. And I know it's not the right thing to say under these circumstances, not even close, but my filter is gone and the first thing that comes to my mouth is exactly the first thing that pops in my head.

If Cosima is upset with my response, she shows no sign of it. I can even see a small nod coming from her, as if she was expecting my question. "Sarah was never as strong as she liked people to believe. Like anyone else, she had her weaknesses and when those kicked in, it was me she counted on to help her. Despite all the shit she gave me, she always thought I was wiser." She chuckles at the memory or, perhaps, at the notion. "Truth is, I was a little know-it-all; I'm sure you're familiar with that side of me," she adds with a small, sad smile.

I allow the tip of my fingers to run along her jawline and return a little smile of my own. "Vaguely," I say under my breath.

Cosima twists a corner of her lips and nods slightly, agreeing with my conclusion. "And so was Sarah, she used to annoy me all the time about it, which is why I always found it weird that she trusted me so blindly," she says in a clearer voice, as if our small exchange gave her the strength to continue. "One night, no different than many other nights before, she called me to pick her up from some party. Told me to just to get a taxi, meet her at the place where she was and get her back home. I'd done it countless times and it was always the same: I'd get there, she'd regret calling me, and then the struggle to get her in the cab.

"I often found her drunk and sometimes, when I got there, people would think I was her and offered me all kinds of drugs," she shakes her head and sighs. "It was insane! My sister was barely sixteen and was familiar with stuff I wouldn't dare touch now."

"And where were your parents during all this?" I interrupt her because the idea that something as serious as what she's telling me happening without the parents noticing is baffling.

"They had no idea of what was going on," she answers me, the tone of her voice hardening with her response. "I mean... they knew about the parties, of course, but they had no clue of what was happening. And when they grew suspicious, I'd cover for her." Once more Cosima shakes her head. "I know now that it was stupid and I should've told them when I started to notice things getting out of control, but I just saw it as another reason for them to fight.

"That particular night I was not in the mood to take her shit," she resumes when I remained silent and kept my thoughts to myself. "To make things worse, the moment I got there she spilled her beer on me, and I know it sounds ridiculous now, but I got so mad at her. Next thing I know, I'm following her to the bathroom and she's puking her guts out while I'm holding her fucking hair. Once she's done, Sarah leaves me alone in the bathroom to clean up her mess and when I return to the party she already has another drink on her hands and is all wrapped up in a guy."

Cosima stops and I feel her becoming restless against me, her fingers curling around my shirt and her legs continuously fidgeting under the sheets. When she speaks again her voice is much heavier, thick with the weight of the emotions surrounding her words. "I know I shouldn't have left her there, not in that state, but as I walked out the door and got into the cab alone to go home, I didn't regret it. All I could think about is how much I could hate her sometimes, how selfish she could be and I had vowed not to be dragged in the middle of the night ever again just to pick her up from some stupid party."

"I woke up the next morning with my mother screaming and I knew immediately that something was wrong. My parents fights were not like that, there was a constant bickering and harsh words exchanged, but they did not scream at each other," Cosima says, her narration becomes fast paced. "I found both my parents in the living room, my mother clutching wordlessly to the phone, silently crying while my father was a few feet away from her, his hands covering his face.

"It didn't make any sense... My mother's words would stumble on each other, I couldn't make up what she was saying and my father remained silent," she recalls. "When they finally managed to tell me something all I could think of was that it must have been some kind of mistake. It was the dead of winter, there was no reason for her to get into the fucking pool. The idiots at the party didn't even realize that she was drowning until it was too late and when they finally decided to call the ambulance she was already gone."

Cosima goes quiet for a long time and I do as well. There's nothing I can say that will make the depth of pain she's feeling to go away. No comforting words can possibly dislodge the suffering of losing someone so close to you, especially in such a tragic way. But while I do seek words that would help her cope with the guilt she obviously feels, there's no doubt in my mind that Cosima has, during the years, created several scenarios in her head that would prevent the loss of her sister. As a distant observer I know that vicious cycle is unhealthy and can't produce any real satisfaction, but empathy tells me there's no logic in grieving, so I remain quiet.

Long minutes pass before any of us says anything. The silence is broken by the distant noise of the city waking up, the traffic thickening and a siren going off startles me further.

"Inquiries were made by the police to investigate what happened and it didn't take long for my parents to find out I was there that night," Cosima tells me after the siren is too far for us to hear it. "The weirdest part is that they never tried to talk to me about that; there was no grounding, no angry words. Just a strange sort of acceptance. But it made no difference, I could see it in their eyes every time they looked at me: at least in some part, they held me responsible for what happened."

"Are you sure it wasn't just your perception of it?" I ask gently, my fingers tenderly stroking a few of her dreadlocks. "That you saw it that way because it was what you felt?"

"It is my fault, Delphine," she affirms with such conviction that it somehow scares me. "At least part of it. It's obvious that if I hadn't left her it wouldn't have happened."

"It was not your job to take care of your sister..."

"I was all she had and I let her down!" Her voice rises, cutting me off.

"She had parents. And if you had to take care if her, who took care of you?" I also rise my voice, in an attempt to give more strength to my argument. "You were both the same age." She just shakes her head and moves away from me. "Why do you want me to believe that you're responsible for what happened to your sister?"

"Because it's the truth!" She continues to talk and abruptly sits up. "I know what you're trying to do, but I don't need that, okay? I don't need you to make me feel better about this shit."

I can easily sense the anger brewing beneath her words, but it doesn't stop me. "I think you've been telling yourself that for so long that you're convinced that's the truth." I refute calmly, not letting myself get influenced by her irritation. "And I don't think you've been around people who'd tell you otherwise."

"What's that suppose to mean?" Cosima raises her brows in confusion.

"I'm talking about Kate," I answer flatly and when Cosima doesn't react, I explain further. "She acted as if it was something you should be ashamed of, like, if I knew what happened, it would make me run for the hills."

She lowers her head, her dreadlocks falling over her face and her fingers keep picking at a loose thread of the duvet. "She was the only one who supported me, I don't know what would've happened to me if Kate hadn't been there," her voice lowering again, contemplative. "After… after my sister's accident, I couldn't look my parents in the eye and it only got worse when my father filed for divorce shortly after. I think he couldn't take it anymore. Every time my mother looked at me, I could see that she blamed me for it - deep down, I know she was always the one who tried to keep us together. I was lost, every minute I spent in my house I felt like an intruder.

"Kate offered me her place to stay after a while, she was the only one who realized I was too far gone, hiding away from everyone. She was there through my darkest hour, kept me afloat when she didn't have to - we were barely even dating, I wasn't even sure of what I wanted," Cosima tells me in a sad tone. "I owe her a lot, Delphine. I need you to understand that."

"Do you owe her your happiness?" I ask quickly with my stare trained on her, even if she doesn't give me her eyes.

"Maybe I do," she murmurs without looking at me.

"You know what you're doing, right?" Cosima finally looks at me puzzled. "You're making the exact same mistakes your parents did. You're letting your life be determined by a…by a lapse in judgment."

"My sister's death was more than a lapse in judgment," she replies, annoyance obvious in her tone and in the look she gives me.

I sigh deeply, punishing myself for the choice of words. "I know that! All I'm saying is that… fuck!" I breathe in and out quickly, starting to feel frustrated. "You deserve to be happy, Cosima. Yes, you might've made some mistakes in the past, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your future.

"I think I can make you happy, but you have to let me," I continue, no longer satisfied in being passive in this conversation. "I know this is hard, but you need to start forgiving yourself for what happened to your sister. It was a freakish accident. You were both kids and if someone is to blame, it's your parents. They were the ones who should have been paying more attention to your sister and the troubles she was getting into, not you.

"And - I'm sorry - I don't doubt that Kate was there to help you recover from such a traumatic experience," my thoughts are all over the place and I can't seem to stop myself. "But, right now, she's just standing in the way of you moving on. Either with me or anybody else."

I stop suddenly and find Cosima staring at me with wide eyes, but a small smirk on her lips.

"Are you quite finished?" She asks with a hint of amusement.

I nod and lean back into my pillow from where I raised without even realizing it. "Yes," I mumble.

She moves lower as well, laying on the side. "She's not getting in the way of anything. I broke up with her, remember?" Cosima says matter of factually.

"I know," I murmur with a small smile. "I'm just trying to understand why it was so difficult for you to tell me."

Cosima presses her lips tightly and evades my stare. "It's not exactly something I'm proud of," she admits. "And… I don't know… I thought that if you knew…" she stops.

"What?" I encourage softly. "You thought I wouldn't want to be with you anymore?" I chuckle in disbelief, but the way she continues to evade my gaze tells me everything. I move my hand to her cheek and pull her head up. "I think I deserve a little more credit than that, don't you?"

Cosima moves closer to me, the birth of a smile on her lips, and wraps her arm around my ribs. "Yes, you do," she whispers.

I don't sleep; my head still adjusting to the new reality. Never, before now, had I realize how fragile Cosima could be. Being in the eye of such storm at a young age made her doubt not only herself, but everyone around her - with one exception. Sure, to the naked eye she appears self-assured, exuding confidence, but at a closer inspection, one could see the cracks in her soul. She has spent so many years working on protecting this side of herself that in order for others to able to see it, it was required her tacit permission.

I'm not proud of the way I got to know this. Perhaps I should've waited until she was fully recovered, but something tells me Cosima would reveal her story to me sooner or later. I truly don't think she'll regret it and, in a way, it felt like she was eager to confess, as if it was weighing her down. I am, however, proud to have gain her trust; even if it was harder than I thought. I'll try not to hold that against her. I can't exactly blame her for wanting to reserve such a terrible story only for the people she deems trustworthy.

Since I'm awake, I turn off the alarm before it can wake her, disturbing her only slightly as I push her arm away gently. She needs all the rest she can get, so I move around the house as quietly as I can.

When I leave, silence reigns once more.


	52. It's Worth It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, helloooo... Just a quick shout out to my beta Cophine, who polished this chapter brilliantly.  
> Hope you enjoy.

The day seems longer than normal, the classes drag by, and even my time in the lab, which usually keeps my mind occupied, seems to tick by slowly. From time to time my eyes go to the empty space that is usually filled with Cosima's captivating energy, and wonder how long her project can survive unattended.

Distracted by her deserted desk, I start when a sudden beep precedes the door opening.

"Still alone then," Dr. Ford says the moment she enters.

"I'm afraid so," I comment, peeling my eyes away from the opposite side of the room to greet her. "But the way Cosima is feeling, it's much better if she stays at home for a couple more days."

"So... Cosima's really sick," the professor deduces.

"Quite," I confirm with a small nod, my attention returning to my notes. "She has a very bad cold."

"Nothing serious, I hope."

"No, she just needs to rest for a few days."

"Make sure she has plenty of liquids."

"I will," I say before my brain catches up and when it does, I look at her with a small frown.

I get a brief glimpse of a smile before Dr. Ford walks to the freezer. "While you're at it, remind her that I'm still expecting her to submit her program proposal and that her project can't stay this long without supervision," she says getting Cosima's samples out and takes them to my lab partner's desk.

I don't answer and only give another small nod, returning to my work, encouraged by her own actions. The room fills with the familiar noises of petri dishes against steel and samples being slid under the microscope. After each observation, I enter my notes in the small log I keep and move to the next one. Dr. Ford, as far as I can tell, is simply doing some maintenance on Cosima's work and finishes a good twenty minutes before I do. During that time she watches me working and, while I don't appreciate it, I'm able to tune it out enough to be done with it.

"I'm quite impressed with the work you're developing, Delphine," I'm not sure what surprises me more: her compliment or the fact that she's calling me by my first name.

I turn from the freezer where I'm storing my project to find her going through my notes on the desk, casually flipping the pages.

"Thank you," I say after a long moment.

"I had hoped that keeping both of you together would ignite a little competitive spark," she has a knowing look as she speaks the words. "Maybe carry a little of that tension from your personal relationship to the lab."

"We didn't have a personal relationship until very recently," I say defensively.

"There are many types of personal relationships," the professor offers, somehow managing not to sound condescending. "The two of you have had one since I first met you; I'd have to be blind not to have noticed it. It was obvious where it was heading."

"Well, I'm impressed with your foresight," I bite back, for moments foolishly forgetting with whom I'm talking to.

Dr. Ford gives no indication that my callous words are poorly received though. "Either way, I'm quite pleased with myself for that accomplishment," she says with a smug. "We may make a scientist of you yet."

"Thanks!" I reply dryly, which only causes her to release a small chuckle.

"See if she can come over tomorrow," she says, ignoring my little outburst, "if only to check on her project."

"Okay," I nod, putting on my coat and reaching for my bag to join her by the door where she's waiting for me.

On my way home, I stop by a small grocery store and search the aisles for what I need. I take my time, using it to put some order to my thoughts before I get home. Cosima's tale is still fresh in my memory and it's not until now, with some time to myself, that I fully grasp the weight of the burden she's been carrying; the misplaced guilt she drags along with her. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I can do little to help her. Yes, I can support Cosima and try to steer her towards a more accurate interpretation of the events that molded such an intimate part of her, but what can I _actively_ do? I can't change Cosima's mind if she's unwilling to accept it. As so often in my relationship with Cosima, there's little I can do if she doesn't make up her own mind.

I know now that it didn't matter what I did or could've done to sway her mind, Cosima's her own person with an incredibly stubborn demeanor. And while that might pose a problem on some occasions, it's also probably one of the strongest reasons I find her so appealing. She challenges me like no one has before, and instead of considering that a downside to our future, I believe it's an advantage. There's no doubt in my mind that for every hurdle we have to jump over, it will land us on a more solid ground. It will be worth it. It has so far, and there's no reason why it shouldn't from here on.

The thought makes me smile and it accompanies me all the way to my doorstep. I don't even need to open it for the smell to reach me.

"Alright, who did it?" I ask in a light tone, closing the door with my hip, the arms busy with the bag.

Olivia is at the dining table with the computer in front of her and Cosima is stretched out on the couch. Both of them look at me with guilt on their faces and I have to force myself not to laugh. I shake my head and leave them behind, walking to the kitchen. Setting the bag on the counter, I put the groceries away, leaving the chicken out. I'm already turning on the stove to boil a pot of water when I feel a presence behind me.

Turning, I find Cosima standing in the middle of the kitchen, dressed in gray sweatpants and a t-shirt with the UC Berkeley logo that I immediately recognize as my own and therefore, adorably too big for her. She's watching me with a small smile on her lips and makes the tired grin I give her as an incentive to come closer.

"What are you making?" She asks, her hand brushing my lower back, moving under my coat.

"Dinner," I answer, leaning into her touch.

"Is that gonna be chicken soup?" Cosima's eyes move from me to the pot with the water already starting to hiss gently and then to the poultry.

"You don't have to eat it if you don't want to," I say quietly, suddenly feeling a bit silly.

Chuckling, Cosima moves even closer, stopping only when I can feel her body pressed against mine, taking a deep breath that rattles slightly in her chest to where I raise my hand, landing flatly on it and rub gently.

"I think chicken soup can be more effective than weed," my voice remains low but my confidence is restored.

"It was just a little hit," she assures me with her arms around me and giving a little tug at my hips.

"You need to get better, Cosima. Dr. Ford wants you back in the lab," I inform her, my arms resting on her shoulders. "She also asked me to remind you about our little homework."

"My computer's at Jen's," she takes a small step back as she says the words, a concerned frown shadowing her expression. "And I need to collect my other stuff."

Cosima doesn't say where, not that she needs to. I can sense her getting overwhelmed by the sudden realization that her life is about to suffer a tremendous change. She tries to move away from me, taking another step back, but I stop her, curling my hands around her neck.

"I'm here Cosima," I say with my gaze steady on her. "If you need a place to stay for a few days until you... resolve your issues, you're welcome to."

I pause to measure my next words, wondering if I'm crossing a line. She looks at me expectantly with her brows raised but offers no comment, probably sensing there's more to it.

"But I think you should, at least try to make peace with your family," I gather the courage to venture. "It's time to put all the hurt behind you and move on; to think about the future instead of being stuck in the past."

"It's not something I can just forget, Delphine," she says defensively and takes a determined step back, moving out of my grasp while I give her the space she needs.

I watch her carefully. Cosima doesn't exit the kitchen, she doesn't even move too far away; she just leans against the table and stands before me, her eyes on the ground. "Every time I remember the look in my mother's eyes after what happened to Sarah I... it gets stuck to you. It's not even disappointment, it is something more... visceral," she shakes her head. "I'm sorry, I can't let it go, I can't possibly get pass it," Cosima admits after a brief thoughtful pause.

"What about your father?" I try. "How's your relationship with him?"

Her eyes continue not to raise while she shakes her head once more. "We have too many divergences... he never supported me moving in with Kate."

"Can you blame him? You were a seventeen year old girl moving in with your girlfriend."

My words are not well received, and I watch a displeased expression take form. To a point, I understand her reaction: it's easy to pass judgment now that I know what happened. In addition, I know it probably wasn't an easy decision for her to make, but it's ridiculous to continue to defend something that you know was a mistake.

"You can't expect everyone to agree with you all the time," I resume, not discouraged by her reaction. "The question is whether or not he makes you feel unwanted or unwelcome."

"I can't move back home," she says with emotion.

"Why not? You think it's better to keep sleeping on your friend's couch?" I press, even though I can see that Cosima is growing more unsettled. "You know what I think?"

"What?" She asks slightly abruptly.

"I think you're refusing to eat your slice of humble pie. You don't want to admit you might've made a mistake and swallow your pride." She presses her lips tightly and continues to avoid my stare. "Cosima, we all make mistakes," I encourage in a softer tone. "So what if things between you and Kate didn't work out? At the time you thought it was the best decision, but growing up also means to be able to admit that you were wrong and make changes to improve your situation."

"You think I'm childish!"

It's an accusation and, while in the past it might have been something that it would throw me off-balance, it doesn't anymore. I've learned, at a high cost, that in order to deal with Cosima when she's being inflexible it has to be with a steady hand. She needs to be forced to hear other opinions, because she's too stubborn to do it on her own, and if she senses the slightest hesitation, she might very well ignore it.

"In this instance, yes, you're being childish," I confirm, not in a confrontational way, but as if purely stating a fact.

"I suppose I could talk with him," she finally concedes under her breath.

"Good!" I say pointedly, turning around and smiling to myself while I gently submerge the chicken in the boiling water.

I return to the living room and shed my coat and shoes, leaving both items by the door. Olivia's too busy with the computer to say anything - or at least that's how she acts, so I return to the kitchen finding Cosima in the same position I left her, seemingly lost in thought. I say nothing while I add salt to the pot and a couple of onions, which I've peeled and roughly chopped. I feel her eyes on me as I move around, but she remains silent.

"I'm going to shower while this cooks," I announce leaving her alone again.

Cosima remains in the kitchen as I get ready, and I'm aware of Olivia's eyes curiously watching me. If she heard any of my conversation with Cosima or has any thoughts on it, she's not inclined to share them. After I'm done, I return to my bedroom and am surprised to find Cosima stretched on my bed, playing with her phone.

"I hope you don't get used to that," she comments in a low, distracted voice with her eyes still on her phone.

"Get used to what?" I ask confused, turning around to look directly at her.

"Changing my mind," Cosima answers with a little shrug.

I move to sit on the edge of the bed, tugging the towel around my torso. "Well, I promise I won't try it if I don't think it's for the best," I say with confidence. "And I'm not saying you should absolutely make peace with your father; I just want you to try."

She stretches her arm to place the phone on the nightstand and drags herself over the mattress until she can loop her leg on top of mine while the other wraps around my lower back. "I understand that," Cosima says putting her arms on top of my shoulders, "but I also need you to understand that some things are out of your control. I won't always do what you want me to."

"I'm quite aware of it," I chuckle, reaching for her right thigh as she moves to sit on top of me, sliding the hand under her shirt to brush the warm skin of the back, while the other curls around her neck to stop her momentum forward. "I'm gonna catch your cold," I whisper pulling my head back.

She traps her tongue between her teeth and smiles wickedly. "Don't be silly, you've already caught it last night. Besides, we have chicken soup in the making and Olivia has a generous supply of weed."

I laugh and give her a peck on the tip of her nose before I get up and playfully push her back on the bed. "I need to see about dinner."

Cosima watches me from the bed as I open the closet and take out my favorite pair of old, faded jeans and throw them onto the bed. Next, I open a drawer and a tank top lands close to the pants. It's not until I go for the nightstand drawer where I keep my undergarments that she moves, and without a word, picks one of my two pairs of lacy panties and hands it to me with a teasing grin.

I accept them only to put them back in its place. "When you're feeling better," I say, choosing more comfortable cotton briefs instead.

"I am feeling better," she counters, her smile falling just a little.

I look at her for a brief moment and then smile. "We can do this now or I can get all dressed up for you at a later date," I propose.

She laughs and leans back on the pillows. "Well played, Cormier, you know your audience well."

I dress quickly and Cosima says nothing more, simply remaining on my bed, but I notice her demeanor growing tense, shadowing her disposition. When I pull my shirt down and turn back to her, she has a contemplative expression, her eyes are on me but she has a distant look.

"Is everything alright?" I ask, concerned.

Her stare refocus and she frowns subtly. "Will you come with me?" When my confusion grows she explains further. "To pick up my shit... Will you come?"

I sigh. "You think that's a good idea?"

"Probably not," she snorts.

"And you still want me to go..." she answers my question with a short nod. "Is she going to be there?"

Cosima sits up on the bed and energetically flails her hands around as she speaks. "Well, I want to go in the early afternoon, just after lunch, so we have time and I don't think Kate will be there," she stops for a little bit. "But... I don't know if we'll get it done before she arrives."

I'm biting my bottom lip, my eyes steady on her as she continues to lay out her plan. "And when would this happen?"

"It has to be on a weekday to be sure the house is empty and the sooner the better," Cosima explains. She can easily sense my hesitation by the absence of response. "Listen, if you don't want to, it's okay. I can't blame you. I can just go with Jen, I've already talked with her about it."

I think about it for long moment. "Why don't all of us go? It'll be faster that way," I decide.

"Sure," she agrees with a small smile. "You think Olivia would go as well?"

At this, I laugh. "Knowing her, she'd love to, but she'd also drag it out just to be sure we cross paths with Kate..."

Cosima chuckles and lets herself fall back on the bed. "You're probably right." She picks her phone back and I still hear the dial tone when I leave her.

In the kitchen I find Olivia distractedly peering inside the pot and jumping slightly when she hears the door swing open.

"Is Cosima staying the night?" She asks once she recovers from the scare.

"Yes," I answer calmly, searching inside the cupboards for the noodles. "Does it bother you?"

"No..." She moves to the side to let me work.

When I'm finished I turn to her. "It's a temporary arrangement, Olivia," I assure her. "She just needs a place to stay until she figures out what to do. I don't want her sleeping on a couch."

"I know that, Delphine. I'm not complaining," she says as she moves around the kitchen and retrieves what we need to set the table. "So... It's safe to say you've resolved all your problems."

"I think we're heading in the right direction."

"Whats wrong?" Olivia blurts out, easily picking up my apprehension.

"Nothing," I say fast.

"Did you think that once you two talked all your problems would magically disappear?" She comments sarcastically. "You chose to take that on; you knew that Cosima had issues."

"To be honest, I didn't think they were so... complicated" I answer matter-of-factly. "And besides, I don't regret it. But I would like to put this behind us."

"I think now is the time for you to show some real patience with her," my friend states sympathetically. "She never told me what you discussed last night, but she did mention, when we were halfway to the high clouds, that she's still afraid you're gonna run."

I look at her surprised. "She said that?"

"Yep," Olivia confirms. "I have no problem if she needs to stay for a while, but I think you might."

"I don't want to make the mistake of pulling her too close to the point of stifling her," I admit, lowering my head. "I don't want her to feel obligated to stay with me."

My roommate starts to laugh uncontrollably, deep belly laughs that I'm sure are heard in the unites next to ours.

"The two of you are ridiculous, you know that?" She says between chuckles, shaking her head. "You're afraid to pull her too close and she's afraid to drive you away with all her shit."

I begin to blush just as Cosima walks into the kitchen with a confused expression.

"What's the joke?" She asks, getting closer.

Olivia, undisturbed, continues to laugh. "The two of you are," she says, walking out to leave Cosima to stare at me, bewildered.

She raises a questioning brow that I dismiss with a wave of my hand, and pull her to me until she's right in front of me, with an easy smile. As soon as her lips are within reach, I kiss her, softly and with ease when she takes a few seconds to react, but getting more determined when she responds. It's only after I feel a light chuckle that I release her.

"You're definitely gonna get my cold now," she quips, dragging her fingertips tenderly on the back of my neck, causing a small shiver to run down my spine.

"It's worth it."


	53. Righting Wrongs

The next day I wake to an empty bed. I don't register Cosima's absence until I turn on my side and open a sleepy eye to see her glasses neatly folded on the nightstand. Sitting up, I scan the bedroom, finding it slightly more disorganized than normal. Cosima's presence is marked here and there by a sweatshirt casually dropped on a chair or the phone charger out in the open instead of inside the drawer where I keep it, I sulk for a moment until my eyes land on the bright pink helmet on the desk.

I'm still looking around, a small smile on my lips, when Cosima enters the bedroom. She quietly opens the door while balancing two mugs in her hands, and carefully shuts it with her shoulder while keeping a close eye on the cups to be sure she doesn't make a mess. When she glances towards the bed, she grins, taking a few steps to set the mugs next to the bed, the smell of strong coffee capturing my attention.

"Good morning," Cosima says as she crawls onto the bed to straddle my hips.

"Feeling better?" I ask, my hands lazily moving to her hips and pull her gently.

Cosima leans forward and slips her arms around my shoulders, her lips brush softly against mine, while fingers play with the small hairs on the back of my neck.

"Yep. Much." She confirms, the words spoken against my lips in a small voice. "That chicken soup worked miracles."

In truth, Cosima's improvement is probably due more to an early night spent under the covers watching a movie playing on the laptop, than to the meal we had before.

"This means you're going to class with me, yes?" I coax her, my hand slipping under her shirt and I graze the small of her back.

She groans, the small kisses she was spreading along the side of my neck stop. "I'm out of excuses; that's what it means," she says, straightening her back and reaching for one of the mugs.

I do the same, blowing the steam and peering at her over the rim of the mug as I take a small sip. There's something slightly different about her. Nothing too obvious, but there's a shift in her energy that goes beyond her feeling better. If the fact that she had woken up before I did wasn't enough of a give away, the determination that makes her eyes sparkle seals the deal. Even her eyes don't avoid my gaze. Quite the contrary; she seems to be observing me with a quiet curiosity while we drink our morning beverages.

"What are you up to?" I finally ask in a casual tone, not wanting to put pressure on her.

She tilts her head and smirks. "What makes you think I'm up to something?" She counters, as she places the now empty mug back on the bedside table.

I shrug. "Call it a sixth sense."

Cosima continues to smile as she relieves me of my cup and sets it next to hers. "You're getting awfully good at reading my mind," she comments, scooting closer and pecking my cheek. "I should do something about it."

"I'd rather you didn't," I pull her in for a kiss and feel her laughter against my lips.

She lets her forehead rest against mine, her fingers return to the wisps of hair on the back of my neck, idly moving. "I've decided to go see my father at the end of the day," she tells me quietly.

I pull back to look her in the eye. "When I said you should so that, I didn't mean right away," I assure her, my hands soothing her lower back. "I don't want you to think you're not welcome here. Like I said, you can stay as long as you need. No need to make rush decisions."

Cosima's smile doesn't falter while I talk, she even gives a small nod when I finish. "No, no... you were right," she sounds determined. "This is long overdue. And besides, I need a place to put all my shit once we go get it."

"Okay," I nod, "if that's what you want."

"Yeah..." she becomes more alive on top of me, her body moves back and forth as she continues. "And I also need to get a few things I have at Jen's... bring them over," she pauses to stare directly at me. "If that's okay, of course," she adds after a little hesitation.

My arms tug her closer and I kiss the tip of her nose, causing her to giggle a little. "You do that," I say. "You need more clothes, can't be wearing the same thing all the time."

Cosima nods and the excited energy returns. "Yeah... I also need my computer if I'm to finish Dr. Ford's homework any time soon."

The early morning allows us to get ready to leave without being rushed. I refuse Cosima's invitation to join her in the shower though; no matter how long we have. Time would slip between our fingers - possibly, quite literally. Cosima dresses in the same clothes she was wearing two nights ago, even if it seems like so much longer than that, when I briefly pause to think about how much has changed since. We even have time to stop on our way to campus for breakfast.

Once we arrive on campus, we part ways for our separate classes, but agree to meet for lunch. I'm vaguely aware of the lightness in my steps, the unmistakable relief I felt the moment Cosima had told me her plans for the day and her determination to resolve the problems she had been carrying with her far longer than necessary. I'm not exactly a patient person; I know that much and I have the feeling Cosima is starting to realize that as well, but this situation had pushed me to the limit, to a point I never thought I could reach. To have things finally beginning to compose themselves and be able to envision an end to this mess seems so unbelievable that I'm not even allowing myself to breathe completely free until it's really over. But still, it's looking promising and a ridiculous smile accompanies me throughout the day.

As agreed we meet for lunch, when Cosima informs me that she has everything set up with Jen and that she'll call me the moment she's free, so to not catch me by surprise when she shows up at my door with a bunch of bags and for me to have a drawer ready for her. I laugh, there's really not much more I can do when I see the apologetic look she gives me, as if it's a big thing I'm giving up.

It's not until we're in the library that it hits me that it is a big deal - or at least it used to be. I'd dated Albert for over two years, and I never gave him such liberties. I never allowed him to leave so much as a pair of socks at my place. With him I was always too territorial for that. Yet, with Cosima it came as a natural development of the circumstances. It's true that she's in need of a place to stay, but I didn't even pause to think it through; there was no hesitation on my part.

I look at her, standing with her arms resting on top of the librarian's desk, talking vividly with the old woman. Since she hasn't brought anything with her other than a small notepad, she has left me at our usual table and went to chat with the woman, so I get to work on my studies. Cosima catches me looking and, without a break in her animated conversation, throws a wink my way, causing me to smile briefly at her before returning to the book in front of me, amazed that she's still able to make me blush with the simplest of gestures. It really shouldn't surprise me, this gentler version of me when it comes to her; she's caused me to break more of my rules than I care to remember and forged a new set of rules for herself. What do I lose in creating room for her? Clearing a drawer? Nothing, truly, when compared to all she can give me in return.

I can feel her nervousness building up during the afternoon. She's quiet while we make our way to the lab, her fingers twitch around mine as she reaches for my hand. I look at her and she shows me a weak smile, but squeezes my hand tighter before letting go so I can open the door. It seems like she's determined to make up for lost time with her work, moving quickly to retrieve her cultures from the freezer and getting them under the microscope, but I think that her haste comes from a different place. She is keeping herself busy, occupying her mind with something other than what awaits her at the end of the day.

As I work, my own mind continues to consider what Cosima will deal with later, and how hard a decision it was for her. It's not easy to admit you were wrong, that something you defended with an undying conviction ended up blowing up in your face. But the future would be much more bleak if stubbornness gets in the way of choosing what appears to be the best path. Yes, now it's hard, but when it's all said and done, I'm sure it'll prove to be the right call. Cosima needs someone who will, no matter what, show her unwavering support regardless of how many times she falls on her face. And while I wish I could say I would always provide that, no one knows what the future holds. She needs family.

We're nearly finished when the door opens and Dr. Ford comes in. I notice a small smile when her eyes find Cosima at her desk, leaning over the microscope, but it immediately vanishes when she sees me watching her.

"Happy to notice you decided to join us, Cosima," she says, taking a few steps in the direction of Cosima's station.

Cosima looks up and slides down the glasses from her forehead until they rest on the bridge of her nose. "I've been sick," she says defensively. "Didn't you get my message?"

"I did," Dr. Ford nods. "But considering your many absences I wasn't sure when you'd return."

Cosima's lips form a thin line as she hums. "Yeah, yeah... Sorry about that," she tries not to stir up the conversation. "I promise not to disappear again."

"Good!" The older woman says. "Because if you do, you better start looking for another advisor."

Even from my spot on the other side of the lab I can see Cosima swallow dryly while she vigorously nods her head. I turn my head away, hiding the small smirk on my lips, not because I'm glad about the scolding she's being submitted to, I don't even think she deserves it this time, but because I feel a slight satisfaction in seeing her cockiness being taken down a peg. They discuss the progress of her work as I finish my own for today, not escaping my own inspection from Dr. Ford before I'm allowed to put it away.

We walk outside together and Cosima's nervousness from before returns with renewed strength now that she has nothing else to focus on. Her gestures, usually fluid, are tense, restrained, and she remains quiet, even if I sense her glance at me several times.

When we reach outside I pull her to me, my hands raise to her cheeks and make her look me in the eyes. "It will be okay," I say softly but with conviction.

She nods a few times. "Okay..." she smiles weakly.

"It will," I assure her, not allowing her to lower her head when she tries. "And if not... then we'll deal with it, okay?"

Cosima's smile grows and her eyes regain her usual captivating glint. "When did you become such a badass?"

I chuckle and press my lips to hers. "Please... I was always a badass."

I feel her laughter brush the skin of my neck where she hides her face when I pull her for a hug, her arms slipping around my waist. "Something tells me I shouldn't dispute that," she comments in a lighter voice.

Light steps guide me home, my mind feeling more rested than I remember in months, the prospect of seeing an end to the rollercoaster my life has been for so long brings a permanent smile to my lips. And this is probably very obvious, judging by Olivia's reaction when I arrive home.

"Where's your lover?" She asks in a mocking tone the moment I close the front door.

"She's taking care of business," I answer, shedding my coat and hanging it on the hook.

"Shit! Don't tell me she's about to waste Kate."

I laugh and shake my head. "No, she's trying to fix her problems with her father." I move to sit on the corner of the couch that my friend has freed for me, pulling one leg up and turn on my side to face her. "Kate will have to wait."

"And _then_ she'll take care of Kate," she states with certainty. "Got it!" She finishes with what I assume is a conspiratorial wink.

"Non..." I continue to laugh. "Then we're going to Kate's place and get her things."

"Oh... Oh..." Olivia's eyes double in size. "When is that? And should I bring my baseball bat?"

"We don't know yet," I answer, "and when I said we, I meant Cosima and I."

"I can't believe I'm not invited to that party," my roommate's expression drops.

"It's not really a party," I say, getting up and searching my purse for a cigarette. "And the fact that you see it as such is exactly the reason why you can't come." I light a cigarette and take a long drag. "Since when do you own a baseball bat anyway?" I ask expelling a column of smoke.

"I don't," she's smiling again. "But they are easy to acquire."

"I don't think that'll be necessary. We're going when Kate's not there... or we hope she isn't."

"Hmm... A stealth mission..." Olivia jokes, her eyes narrowing with mischief. "I can totally dig that."

"No, you can't. You're not coming!" I firmly point out.

"Hey, c'mon!" She complains. "If you are going when Kate isn't there, how much damage can I do? Besides, I can talk with Sylvia and she can come too, bring her car. I'm sure you can use the extra room, or does Cosima plan to carry all her crap on that shitty scooter of hers?"

I'm biting my lower lip the entire time as I consider my friend's proposal. She does have a point; we can definitely use another car.

"Jen's coming with us and she has a car," still I'm reluctant to let my reckless roommate join us.

"Two is better than one," Olivia insists, and once more, she's not wrong. "Think about it... This way we can get everything in only one trip."

I sigh deeply, knowing that, despite my feelings about it, Olivia is making perfect sense. "Talk with Cosima when she arrives," I finally give up. "If she agrees with you..." I throw my hands up in defeat.

I know I should feel very nervous about the huge grin my friend gives me. I have no doubts she means well and that she really wants to help, but I know that she was not exactly satisfied with the way her furtive encounter with Kate ended when they met at the bar months ago. Hopefully their paths won't cross again and we'll manage to get Cosima's things without running into Kate, however I'll prepare for the worse. If there's anything these last few months have taught me is that everything that can go wrong, eventually does.


	54. Repairing Bridges

Cosima doesn't call until Olivia and I have had dinner and I've commandeered the dining table. My computer is open, and books and notes are scattered over the surface in a failed attempt to occupy my mind, while my friend is already dozing on the couch; the TV playing something I that I can't hear.

At the startling tone, I fumble with the phone placed next to the computer. "Hi!" I answer and my voice breaks in a single syllable.

"Hi... We're downstairs," Cosima says in a tone that reveals nothing.

"I'll buzz you in," I say, already getting up and walking to the door where I press the button that unlocks the building's door.

"Got it!" I hear her through the intercom and the phone at the same time.

I open the door and hear the elevator descend to pick her up as I wait for her. When I look back over my shoulder I find Olivia's eyes on me, expectation marking her features, and I'm certain my expression is not so different. It calms me somehow, knowing that I have a friend who's with me in a moment when I'm about to snap from the anxiety that built as time passed with no news from Cosima. Weirdly enough, and despite everything we've already been through, I've never been so thankful for her friendship. That feeling only grows when she gives me an encouraging head nod and smile as we hear the elevator's door slide open.

I breathe out a huge sigh of relief when the corridor carries Cosima's unmistakable laugh and when she crosses the corner that leads to my doorstep I can't help but return the huge smile she gives me. I know it's a simple gesture but it tells me all I need to know about the meeting with her father. I'll ask about specifics later, but for now this will do.

She rolls a large suitcase while Jen carries a computer bag and as they stop at the door, I barely resist the urge to pull her to a tight hug, and instead move to the side to let them in.

"Welcome!" Olivia greets in a cheerful voice and gets up from the couch. "I don't believe we've ever been properly introduced," she says to Jen and extends her hand with a flourish. "I'm Olivia and I rule this pad!"

Jen laughs awkwardly and takes the had given to her, while giving Cosima a side glance. The small girl only shrugs, the huge grin permanent on her lips.

"Good to see you, Jen," I intervene, trying to make the girl feel more comfortable after my roommate's unorthodox introduction.

She nods and smiles shyly. "Likewise," she says politely.

"I'm gonna drag this to your bedroom, okay?" Cosima says, pulling the suitcase with her and heading in that direction.

For a moment I hesitate, looking between the small woman struggling with the luggage and Olivia, unsure if it's safe to leave her alone with Cosima's friend. "I'll help," I decide, saying to Cosima but giving my friend a stern look, to which she responds by crossing her heart in a promise that she'll behave.

Cosima pushes the large bag on top of my bed with a grunt and starts to unzip it. "Don't worry, it's mostly books," she's saying, flopping the top of the bag and revealing several manuals. "I only have a few change of clothes," she continues, taking out the books and stacking them on my desk. "I hate to put you on the spot, but we probably shouldn't wait too long to pick up my stuff."

I watch her for a brief moment, before I shut the door slowly and move to the bed, getting out the few clothes she's brought and place them in the drawer I emptied for her. I toss some hangers on the bed, and Cosima hangs a dress and a couple of pants.

"About that..." I pause, accepting the hangers for me to put them back in the closet. "Olivia's determined to come with us."

"You told her?" Cosima stops and looks at me surprised. "I thought you didn't want her to come with us."

I press my lips. "Well... it's not that I don't want it, it's just that I think it's a very bad idea."

"And what changed?" She asks, the tone of her voice light and I can see that she's surprised by my change of heart, but not upset about the possible change of plans.

"Nothing changed really, but she made a good point," I explain. "She'll ask Sylvia, which would mean another car, more help." I pause to look at her and see a small smile her lips. "It would be a much faster trip, but ultimately it's your decision."

Cosima shakes her head. "No, no... it's totally fine," she says, holding some of her underwear that was under all the other stuff in the suitcase, seemingly unsure about what to do with them. "I'm just amazed that she changed your mind. You sounded so adamant about not wanting her to join us that I thought you wouldn't even tell her about it."

I open the drawer of the nightstand where I keep my own underwear and move it around a little bit to make room for hers. "She drug it out of me," I say between chuckles, distracted by putting away the small items of clothing Cosima's passing me. "You know I can't resist her charming ways."

I feel her go still and glance up at her. "You know... one of these days that joke will stop being funny," she says when I meet her eyes, her expression not entirely serious, but it lacks humor.

I frown. "I didn't think it bothered you that much," I say confused. "I thought you knew there was nothing between Olivia and I." And it feels silly to have to say it aloud, even the prospect causes me to chuckle.

"Ohhh, I knew that," Cosima says, moving back a little until the small of her back is against the desk.

"Then what's the matter?" I approach her, swallowing another laugh.

"You groped her!" Cosima states in a loud whisper, one of her hands gesturing towards the door, presumably at my friend still in the living room. "And it wasn't even a light thing... like a pat or something," she goes on and the laugh I was trying to contain escapes. "It was like..." Cosima's arms waving about, "full on, two hands squeezing her ass!"

"You can't be serious..." I place my hands on each side of her hips and tug softly. Despite Cosima's little tantrum, she doesn't pull back.

"Oh, I'm dead serious," she nods again. "That image is seared in my mind."

I lean forward and place a small kiss in the corner of her mouth and again, even though she doesn't respond, she doesn't evade it either. And by now I suspect this little fit of jealousy, although coming from an honest complaint, is not completely serious. Most likely Cosima's trying to poke fun at me.

"I swear I was thinking of you the entire time," I say softly, brushing my lips against hers, while my hands move lower and stop on her ass for a light pull.

"Like that makes it better," Cosima comments, but I feel a smile forming under my lips, the timbre of her voice drops to a playful whisper.

The next time I kiss her, Cosima responds, chuckling against my mouth. Her fingers weave through my curls and she pulls me to her, deepening the kiss, lightly nibbling my lower lip. With my hands still on her ass I tug her closer, feeling her body press against mine and her tongue emerges out for a smooth graze across my lips, but retreats far too fast. I groan and feel another laugh coming from her that's cut short by me pressing against her. Palming the cheeks of her ass with a firm grip, the smooth material of her loose pants allow me to feel the warmth of her skin as I pull her small body up. The desk rattles and knocks against the wall with a low thud, while my mouth moves over hers with a careless hunger, and my tongue pushes pass her lips for a eager kiss. The way one of her hands leaves my head and journey beneath my shirt to cup my breast only adds to the flames already licking my body.

My hands graze along her waist to quickly pull on the strap of fabric that serves as a belt, and her hips tremble slightly, shifting forward to encourage my inelegant haste. My mouth moves across her skin, sliding down the side of her neck, and she curses in a broken voice as her hand squeezes my breast more firmly, causing my hips to press forward in an awkward jerk. The container of pens falls to the floor, a noise that immediately pauses our movements.

"What the fuck's going on in there?!" I hear my roommate call from the living room.

"Merde!" I gasp, glancing down to see my hands have traveled past the waistband of Cosima's pants and the tip of my fingers were slowly moving with a destination in mind.

I look at Cosima and see a huge grin, a raised brow peeking over crooked spectacles, and mischief dancing happily in her eyes, feeling her hand release my breast and smooth its way from under my shirt. The look of someone who's plan came together.

"You should've stopped me," I ridiculously admonish her, my fingers working to fasten the belt.

"How's this my fault?" She asks, her arms draping the top of my shoulders, not interested in helping me.

I shrug and start to laugh, rearranging her glasses and kissing the tip of her nose. "We better get back outside," I say, moving away from her and starting to pick up the pens out of the floor.

"You're gonna leave me like this?" Cosima complains with fake outrage, still leaning against the desk. "All hot and bothered and shit?!"

"I'll make it up to you," I promise her, standing up and giving a quick peck on her lips.

"I'll hold you up to that later," Cosima warns, finally moving to the door where she waits for me.

The two girls in the living room are stifling their laughter, and as I pass by on the couch on my way to the kitchen, I lightly slap Olivia on the back of her head, hearing her protest with a high "hey!". In the kitchen I find a bottle of wine and after opening it, grab four glasses and head back to the living room.

"Like alcohol is gonna help..." Olivia comments when her eyes fall on my hands.

"Shut up and help me!" I say, and wait for her to take the glasses.

"Thank you," Jen says, accepting the wine I extend to her. "But I shouldn't have too much," she explains, "I'm driving."

"Just a glass won't hurt," Cosima encourages, taking a glass for herself.

"How did it go with your father?" I ask almost casually, placing the half empty bottle next to the books left unattended on the table once everyone has a drink.

Cosima finishes sipping the wine, sitting on the arm of the couch closest to Jen. "As well as it can be expected," she answers. I raise a brow, bringing the glass to my lips and wait for her to elaborate. "He made a point to remind me that he saw it coming all along," she eventually continues after a long pause, a finger tracing the rim of the glass, her eyes lowered to it.

"We all saw it coming, Cosima," Jen says in a soft spoken voice, clearly wishing not to sound too confrontational. "You were the only one who didn't."

"We all make mistakes, there's no shame in that," Olivia says, breaking a long silence. "Especially when we're young and stupid. I should know it, I'm a fucking expert in mistakes and stupidity."

"But at least you never had to swallow your pride and admit to your father you were an idiot for not listening to his advice," Cosima says darkly and takes a generous sip of the wine.

Apparently that seems to be her biggest problem with this whole situation; not that she had broken up with someone she has shared a home with, but that she was forced to confess her mistakes; admit she was wrong. I never doubted she was stubborn; I've seen it enough when we were at odds, but I never thought she could be so prideful. And seeing it in her made me reevaluate my own decisions. Like Cosima, I almost made the biggest mistake of my life because I was too arrogant to admit I was so very wrong. If there's an aspect in which Cosima and I have similarities, this has got to be it. And like myself, who in the presence of hard evidence had to swallow my pride, Cosima now sees herself in the same position. I know she doesn't like it. Neither did I.

"So, there I am, eating my words, all waving a white flag and shit," Cosima continues, this time with a touch of humor. "And my dad - asshole that he is - hugs me... and I don't mean a gentle pat on the back, I mean a freaking bear hug that nearly choked me to death," she pauses to chuckle, her eyes lively again, moving around the room to each of us. "He says, 'of course you can come back, even if you acted like a little brat'," she mimics a deep voice, "and I didn't even ask him anything yet!"

I smile and feel another weight stepping down of my shoulders. "He's your father, Cosima," I say, "at the end of the day he'd always look after you."

"My mother wouldn't," her voice breaks a little, almost imperceptibly. "That woman can hold a grudge."

"Your mother is not your father," Jen points out. "He's a good guy. Your mother... well, some people are just like that; they can't let go of things." Her hand softly taps Cosima's knee affectionately. "I'm glad you were able to patch things up with your father, it proves you didn't inherit your mother's nature."

Cosima twists her lips and looks my way. "Thank Delphine," she says with her eyes on me. "If it wasn't for her, I doubt I would've done it."

"You just needed a little nudge," I smirk. "And a kick in the ass."

Cosima narrows her eyes at me, but there's no malice in her stare, instead I see a grin stretching a corner of her mouth. "I think you have an ass fixation."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know these last two chapters were a little short and on the light side, but I needed to wrap a few secondary things up. The next chapter will be the last, followed by en epilogue. So... yeah... almost there...  
> As always, I can't express how grateful I am to my beta Cophine who's been a true champion.


	55. Full Circle

The day started like the three before, with Cosima wrapped around me, an arm holding me from behind, a hand tucked between my hipbone and the mattress, her naked form against my bare skin. I remove my hand from the warmth of the blankets, hearing a groan from behind me as I turn off the alarm. She shifts lazily, still not entirely awake and I turn to her, feeling a hand pleasantly grazing along my lower back, pulling at me weakly. Cosima always moves at her own pace and it takes a few soft kisses to wake her completely, stretching like a feline, her eyes shut and a grin on her lips.

Despite that, she's always the first to leave the bed, pulling her underwear up and a large t-shirt that I once called my own down her torso and picking up her glasses from the nightstand. She looks back before she leaves the bedroom and after a quick stop in the bathroom, heads straight to the kitchen where she gets the coffee machine started. Meanwhile, I observe her from the bed, feeling a small lecherous pleasure in watching her get dressed, the pull of her muscles under the olive skin, and only when she begins to putter around the kitchen do I finally begin to move.

Just as we're leaving, Olivia finally emerges from her bedroom with a sleepy 'good morning', and disappears into the bathroom. Out of sheer laziness, we've developed the habit of going to school on Cosima's scooter, allowing the luxury of fifteen more minutes in bed. We part ways with a kiss, each of us walking in the direction of our respective classes. We lunch together, and two out of the three days we were joined by Olivia and Sylvia. Finally, after the library and our lab work, we return home. One evening, we went out for a nightcap with my roommate and her girlfriend.

Today was playing out like the last three until we're having lunch, when Cosima tells me her plans.

"Today?" I ask, startled, the tray set aside after the end of the meal.

"Yeah," Cosima nods, but she seems a little hesitant. "I mean... we better warn Dr. Ford we're not going to the lab or she'll have a fit, but I thought we should do it."

"A heads up would've been nice," I try not to sound too annoyed but, judging by Cosima's flinch, I don't believe I succeed.

"I didn't want you to get all worked up," she explains defensively, reaching out for my hand setting on the table and squeezing it gently. I don't pull back, but I don't return the tender gesture either. "Okay, listen," she urges in a firmer tone. "If I'd told you yesterday, you'd be thinking all kinds of shit and I thought you should have a good nights sleep instead of staying up all night worried sick."

I twist my lips, the irritation slipping away but traces of it remain. "I appreciate that, but I don't need you to protect me from this," I say softer, taking her hand in mine and letting my fingers run over her knuckles.

She grins. "But we're going, right?" Cosima asks hopefully.

"I guess we are," I shrug, a small smile tugging the corner of my lips.

There's no point in dragging this out, it needs to be done, and the sooner we get it out of the way the better. Cosima needs her things. Period. I'll probably never admit to her, because I don't want to encourage this kind of thing, but a big part of me is thankful for her misdirection. She's getting to know me well and she's absolutely correct when she says that I would've driven myself crazy if I'd had that much time to think about it; playing scenarios out in my head of how it could happen would've kept me up all night. Still, Cosima can't get used to keeping important things from me, regardless of her good intentions. The fact that I'm not a fan of surprises is something she's yet to learn about me.

"Alright!" She says more lively, her hand slipping from under mine to get the phone out of her bag. "I'll warn Jen and you call Olivia."

"At least you didn't tell them before you told me," I comment casually, reaching for my own phone.

She stops and looks me in the eye. "I wouldn't do that," Cosima shakes her head, a serious expression on her face. "I needed to know if it was okay with you. If you had said you weren't ready, we would've done it some other time."

I didn't mean it to be a protest, it was a simple observation, nothing more. "No no..." I wave my hands, dismissing her concerns and wanting to assure her. "I'm getting tired of you using my favorite t-shirt."

"Oh... you're never going to get that one back," she laughs. "Better get use to it."

What's left of my irritation dissipates with her smile, and I wonder if that will ever stop; the way she can charm me into a mellow state, how just a few words spoken with an honest gaze calms my mind when it rages too fast. I smile to myself as I wait for Olivia to pick up, and decide that probably it won't. It's part of who she is, it runs in her blood and it's one of the reasons why I fell so hopelessly in love with her. Had it been someone else, I would get worried about it, but it's Cosima and deep inside I know she won't take advantage of this weakness of mine.

Twenty minutes later we're gathered in the parking lot, near the two cars as we develop our strategy.

"When we get there, I'll go upstairs and collect my clothes and stuff from the bathroom," Cosima indicates. "While you search downstairs for my books. It shouldn't be hard to identify them; just get everything that's science related."

"I brought some bags and boxes," Jen informs us.

"Yeah, that'll help," Cosima nods with a small smile looking at her friend, but I feel her nervousness.

"What about other stuff?" I ask. "Don't you have things in the kitchen..."

"I do," Cosima continues to nod. "I also have trinkets spread around the house and such. Once I'm done upstairs, I'll go around the house and try to get what I can. But we need to get our priorities straight."

"I think someone should stay outside and put the things in the cars as they come," Sylvia proposes. "It should be faster that way."

"Yes," Olivia agrees, "and keep an eye out in case Kate arrives."

"Okay, the two of you do that," Cosima says and she's on full concentration mode now. "Delphine should find my books and Jen try to get random crap I have, you know some of the stuff that belongs to me," she looks at her friend, who nods in agreement.

"Alright!" Olivia claps her hands. "Let's do this shit!" And she sounds way too cheerful for my liking.

We're quiet on the ride over, Cosima and Jen in front, while I take the back seat, Sylvia and Olivia stay close behind us. The isolation of the street permits us to park right in front of the place. Doors open and close in unison as everyone gets out, and Jen goes to the back of the car to open the trunk, and we unload the dismantled cardboard boxes and large bags. Meanwhile, in the corner of my eye I see Cosima open the door to the warehouse-turned-home, and step inside.

I leave the other girls behind and follow Cosima inside. She's standing in the middle of the large living space, frozen in place, I see her shoulders rise and fall as she takes a deep breath. For all the determination she's shown, I feel the entire situation sinking in and overwhelming her. With slow steps I approach her and wrap my arms around her, my chin resting on her shoulder.

"It will all be over soon," I whisper my encouragement, hearing her hum and feeling her head nod slowly, her hands cover my own and tug me closer.

"I know," she answers in a equally low voice. "It's just..." she hesitates and takes another deep breath. "Not all memories are bad, you know..." she swallows thickly. "I mean... I know this is the right thing to do, that I need to do this but..."

"It's hard," I finish when she doesn't.

And I do know what she means, extensively. It never crossed my mind that this would be easy for her; it can be difficult to let go, especially when it means ending a relationship that's lasted for so long. I know that part of who she is was shaped by her relationship with Kate and I've learned to live with that knowledge. We're not entirely defined by our relationships, but it's part of who we are, and it influences our future decisions as we build part of our personality upon the experiences we gathered from them. However, is up to us to decide what we're going to take away from them; if we're going to let them limit us or not. Will we allow our past mistakes to taint our future relationships and expect the worst or will we learn from our mistakes and move on, having awareness of them, trying not to repeat them and hope for the best. Only we can control that and if Cosima chooses one path or the other is probably too soon to tell, but I believe this is a promising first step.

Cosima turns around in my arms and looks me in the eyes, a small smile appearing on her lips. "Let's get this over with!" She sounds determined, assuring me in a way that makes me suspicious that she can actually read my mind.

I raise both my hands to her cheeks and nod enthusiastically. "Let's!"

"Alright! Let's get this show on the road then," Olivia chimes in behind us and I suspect she's been around long enough to hear our conversation.

I untangle myself from Cosima and face my friend and her widespread smile. "Aren't you supposed to be on the lookout?"

"Getting there," she says, dropping on the couch a few cardboard boxes. "Just helping bring this stuff in."

We work efficiently, having our tasks well defined, it doesn't take us too long to fill boxes and take them outside, Jen and I carry them together when they're too heavy while Olivia and Sylvia place them in the cars, distributing the weight as best they can. Occasionally Cosima comes downstairs, a full bag carelessly piled with clothes and Jen takes that opportunity to ask about the ownership of a few things before Cosima moves back up. It takes her three trips to get everything and after she's done, Cosima works close to me, in the area that was apparently reserved for her studies, handing me several books that I missed because they're works of fiction and I had no way of knowing to whom they belong to, that I stack in another box.

"Anything from the kitchen?" Jen asks while we work.

"A couple of pots and pans," Cosima asks without stopping. "But fuck that, I ain't carrying that shit. Let her throw them away if she doesn't want them," she finishes with a shrug, handing me two more books.

Jen snorts. "Yeah, it's not like your father doesn't own an extensive collection."

"Only good thing about moving back home with my father," she jokes. "I never have to worry about what's for dinner."

"Why do you think I'm still with my mom?" Jen comments cheerfully, everyone getting more relaxed as the end of our mission approaches. "Every day I have a restaurant class meal."

"Girls..." Olivia enters the house, but stays by the door. "Trouble's coming." She informs, her expression entirely too pleased considering the news she brings.

Despite it, I can't exactly say that I'm surprised. In fact, I was so convinced that this wouldn't go smoothly that I've been mentally preparing myself for the dreadful confrontation.

A fuming Kate paces inside, her face hard as stone and she looks at each of us with murder in her eyes.

"What's the meaning of this?" She asks in an irritating tone, walking closer to where Cosima is standing.

"What does it look like?" Olivia says defiantly. "Cosima is getting her shit out of your place."

"Our place!" Kate corrects her loudly, staring back at my roommate. "And this doesn't concern you!"

"Not anymore," Cosima voice is strong when she speaks. "You knew this would happen."

"And you had to do it like a coward," Kate says with a malicious smile. "When I'm not home and with a bunch of people to cover your back."

"With friends," Jen raises her voice. "We're just helping our friend."

"Oh fuck off, Jen!" Kate bites back, a finger pointing at the other girl. "Don't act like you haven't done everything you could to break us up."

"Kate, it doesn't have to be this way," Cosima tries to soften the tension. "We're just about done and ready to leave."

"And how do you think it should be?" Kate mocks. "Say it's over and let's all be friends."

"You just gotta like... let it go," Cosima replies and I can see she's trying hard for things not to escalate, keeping her tone as civil as possible. "Accept it and move on."

"Accept it!?" Kate repeats in disbelief, throwing her hands in the air. "That simple, huh? And what about all that I've done for you? All the times you needed someone and I was the only one around?"

Cosima's shaking her head in disagreement, but doesn't interrupt her. "That's not true," she counters when Kate stops. "I always had others, I just... I was messed up and only saw you." Kate scoffs hearing this and turns her back on Cosima who, despite that reaction, continues to talk. "And don't think I don't appreciate all that you've done for me..."

"You've got a fine way of showing it," the other girl cuts in bitterly. "I always knew you were weak, but I didn't think you could be so ungrateful."

"Why do you have to be such a bitch?" Olivia butts in, still by the door, Sylvia's hand on her shoulder doing nothing to ease the fiery temperament of my roommate. "No wonder it didn't take much for Cosima to seek attention elsewhere."

"I already told you this is none of your business," Kate snaps at my friend. "Fucking my girlfriend doesn't give you the right to meddle in this."

Sylvia has to hold Olivia back and says something in her ear for my roommate to stand down and leave the house after flipping a middle finger at Kate. Jen takes that opportunity to discreetly make her way outside, giving me a gentle squeeze on my arm as she passes by me.

Kate's eyes zero in on me. "What are you still doing here?" She asks, her eyes burning two holes in me. "Get the fuck out of my house!"

"I'm not leaving until Cosima tells me to," I respond calmly, the anger flaring inside my chest not transpired by my tone.

Kate snorts and with three steps she's right in front of me. "This is so easy for you, isn't it?" The mocking tone returns to her voice, a sinister smile on her lips. "Stay with Cosima now that she's all nice and calm, when I had to deal with the shitstorm that was her life before."

I raise my brow, refusing to give in to her aggressive posture. "And you think that gives you the right to demand her to stay with you regardless of what she really wants?" I ask and the mask of anger in her face becomes darker. "Why do you want to stay with someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? Who wants to be with someone else?"

She laughs in my face, a humorless thing that shakes me to the core, but I stand my ground. "Until when?" She asks ominously. "What makes you believe that Cosima won't do to you what she's doing to me? How do you know that one day she won't decide that it's done and tell you to move on?"

"I don't," I answer within a heartbeat, shaking my head. "But I like to think I'd have the dignity to let her live her life."

My words struck a chord in her and she takes a small step back, finally putting some much needed distance between us. "Because you never had to fight for her," she says with disdain. "Because it was easy for you to step into her life when she was no longer in pain."

I'm ready to deny her accusations, to tell her that getting to Cosima's heart was far from easy, that she wasn't okay when we met. I may not have known the full extent of Cosima's pain when she had to deal with the guilt that consumed her at the loss of her sister in such a traumatic way, but she had her problems, she still does and it's only now learning how to confront them. That in fact, many of the issues Cosima still have were caused by Kate herself, either because she lead her then-girlfriend on a path that isolated her from everyone else or because, like we're witnessing now, she refused to accept Cosima's decision.

But I never got around to do it. Cosima's hand curls around my arm as she gets close.

"No," Cosima says with confidence. "It's because she's a better person than you'll ever be. Because Delphine would never try to manipulate my emotions to her advantage and keep me from making my own choices."

Cosima's words are a hard blow to Kate's convictions. She steps back some more, as if she was punched in the gut, but her mocking expression doesn't change, if anything it becomes more pronounced. "You seem pretty certain of that..." She scorns.

"I am," Cosima nods and I feel her stare going to me briefly. "I am sorry that we didn't work out, but I'm not sorry that in the process I met Delphine and fell in love with her." A small smile appears on her lips as she says this and I feel her hand tugging gently at my arm. "I can only hope one day you'll find someone who makes you understand what I'm saying."

"I have!" Kate insists, but Cosima's last words seem to have extinguished her fire.

"No, you haven't," Cosima shakes her head and releases me to search something in her pocket. "If that was the case, you wouldn't be trying so hard to keep me from leaving."

When I see Cosima place the keys on the small coffee table, I move to get the last box from the floor. Kate observes us in silence, realizing that all her attempts were futile. She looks genuinely surprised as Cosima leaves the house keys, and guides us towards the door with a gentle hand on my back.

"Maybe when you do, you'll be able to forgive me," Cosima stops midway to the door and turns around. "But I don't need you to. Not anymore."

We walk outside, the three girls look at us with expectation, but when we say nothing they don't push for answers. Silently, I put the box in the trunk of Jen's car and get inside. Everyone does the same, but this time Cosima slides into the backseat with me, reaching for my hand and pulling it into her lap. I look at her, squeezing her hand and giving her a reassuring smile that she returns before she rests her head on my shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright people, only one more to go. The next one is the epilogue and it only serves to tie this up with a nice little pink bow on top ;)  
> Thanks for reading. And thank you Cophine for the cleaning up.


	56. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is, the last chapter. I don't know how you feel about this, but to me it's kind of a mix of emotions: one one hand I'm glad I've finally finished it (for a moment there it was looking like an impossible task), but on the other hand I'm also a bit sad, I've spent so much time with this story and characters and these "versions" of Cosima and Delphine that it's a little hard to say goodbye. Maybe that's why it took me so long to finish the last chapter, I really wanted to give you something nice, just a happy angst-free sorta one-shot.  
> Btw, thanks to CJ who helped me unblock a little and kept throwing peanuts when I took too long. Thanks to PeachBaby for the unwavering support. And a bazillion "ohhhh thank you thank you thank you" to my amazing beta, Cophine, who gave an invaluable contribution to this and make it sound like English.  
> Of course, I'd also like to thank all of you who've read this story, either since I've started (sorry for taking so long) or who just recently discovered it and decided to give it a chance.

"Cosima, get in here!" I call down the stairs, loud enough to reach the ground level of the narrow two story house.

Her dreadlocked head appears at the bottom of the stairs, raising a brow and looking up at me. "What?"

Without a word I beckon her with my index finger, not leaving my place in front of the door I just opened. She climbs the stairs, cleaning her hands on a paper towel, and I watch her expression as her mind tries to work out what I want with her. Still, when she stops next to me I aim my finger at the culprit of my annoyance.

"Oh... That..." she mumbles under her breath, her eyes raking the hardwood floor, still littered with boxes filled with books and knick-knacks and bags with our winter clothes.

"You promised to do it today," I remind her, my brows knitted slightly annoyed.

"I meant to, I really did, but..." Cosima starts to wave her hands and gives me an apologetic smile.

It's the only room in the house that's still a mess; what is supposed to be a guest room remains something that can only be described as a storage space, where we put everything that has no real place in the house. With me busy with the new job at the lab and Cosima juggling being a TA for Dr. Ford and her own classes for the undergraduates, we have little time to spare, which is the only logical explanation for this room to be looking like we've just moved in and not been living here for nearly two months.

"They're arriving in..." I look at my wristwatch, "two hours and this is still..."

"Two hours is plenty of time, Delphine," she interrupts my tirade before it gets out of hand.

I roll my eyes and shed my blazer, pulling up the selves of my gray shirt as I step inside the room and pull one of the bags onto the naked mattresses.

"You're gonna ruin your fancy suit," she comments in a playful tone.

"If it was up to you, we wouldn't do anything about this until we needed something," I say stubbornly.

Cosima gets inside and peeks into the bag. "Sounds good to me."

"Well, we're not leaving this room until everything is unpacked," I say with determination.

She groans, passing the palm of her hand over her face. "That sounds like a lot of work..."

"Yes, that's why we need to start now!" I show her no sympathy, because if I do, I know she'll see it as a way out.

"Damn, you're cold!" Cosima complains and to show her discontent she decides to flip over the bag, emptying the entire content on the bed, always looking at me with challenge in her eyes.

"Happy now?" I ask her, flatly.

"Sorta," she shrugs and opens a huge grin. "But mostly because I love to see you all worked up like that."

I narrow my eyes at her, but my act is short lived, soon I'm fighting a smile of my own, shaking my head a few times, observing as Cosima starts to work on the clothes she has spread on the bed.

We find a good rhythm, and in just an hour, we step back and inspect the fruits of our labor. The hard work of assembling the inexpensive furniture that takes the room was already done and all we have to do is unpack and put everything away.

"See... what'd I tell you? Plenty of time," Cosima says satisfied.

"Still, if you had done it earlier it would've been better," I counter, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Right, right..." she agrees, moving to stand in front of me, her hands going to my hips and she tugs gently. "But this way, we spent some quality time together."

"You know... when I think of quality time together that ends with me all sweaty this is not what I have in mind," I joke, chuckling as I feel her grasp tighten around my waist. "And now I have to shower while you start the grill," I continue, starting to free the top buttons of my shirt under Cosima's watchful gaze.

My shirt is not yet fully open when I feel Cosima's fingers fumbling with the clasp and zipper of my skirt, moving to my lower back, roaming over my skin. She has a huge grin, her eyes dancing over my body, while her hands tug at my shirt to pull it free before she slips them beneath the fabric. I lower my head and brush our lips softly but pull away almost immediately.

"Thanks for the help, mon amour," I whisper, placing a hand on her chest and push her away gently, walking in the direction of the bathroom.

"You are such a tease!" I hear her complain as I move down the hall.

"Go start the fire, Cosima!" I say, closing the door and hearing her mumble something before moving down the stairs.

I take a quick shower and go to our bedroom wrapped in a towel. It's really the only area of the house we are fully satisfied with. Everything else is temporary, practical, but not entirely what we want. When we moved in we had to make choices and the bedroom was Cosima's priority. A large, low bed made of sturdy, light wood, the embedded closet was a bonus when we started to look for a place, but we needed to change the doors to match the bed, vanity and two drawers cabinets. To my surprise, Cosima had chosen light colors to decorate the bedroom, which amplifies the natural lighting coming from the east facing windows, making the small room look much bigger than it actually is. In time we'll fix the old house to our liking, but there's no rush. Despite my reasonably well paying job, which I owe in part to Dr. Ford's exemplary letter of recommendation, and Cosima's academic career, we're still on a tight budget. Having a home close to both our jobs was a financial strain, but we decided it was the only way to go.

After graduation Olivia had moved in with Sylvia, and Cosima was spending most every night at my place anyway, so it was only logical for her to move in. But as we started to talk about it, it somehow developed into a long-term decision and if we were really going to do this, we were going to do it the right way. Without much planning, we started to look for a place; casually searching online, and when we found this house we had to move fast - affordable and so close to the center meant it wouldn't be on the market for long. Perhaps it was because we really didn't have a grand plan or maybe it was due to the quickness of the whole thing, but next thing we knew we were packing our bags and moving into a house that didn't even have electricity for two weeks on the top floor due to a problem in the fuse box. I don't regret, not even a little bit, with time we'll make this house our home.

I look out the bedroom window and see Cosima trying to get the flames on the grill controlled enough for cooking. Near her, our semi-adopted stray cat stretches while Cosima's leans down to rub his belly while she coos at him. It's an unattractive, black, yellow, and white spotted thing that had taken to her because one day she fed him and now he won't leave our backyard, knowing that it represents a steady source of food. I shake my head, a stubborn smile on my lips, leaving the window to get dressed.

On the old kitchen counter, I find the meat Cosima was seasoning when I arrived home, the deep tray covered with a cloth sitting next to the spicy sauce she's prepared. I grab the tray and bowl, and use my hip to open the kitchen door, and out into the yard. She immediately straightens her back, being caught once again tickling the cat behind his ears, she gives me a guilty look.

"If he's gonna stick around, you'd better give him a name," I say, laying the food on the ledge next to the grill.

She looks at me and smiles. "I know, I've been thinking about it."

"What about fleabag?" I suggest, looking at the cat that glares back at me with a suspicious stare as if understanding what I'm saying.

Cosima gasps, looking sternly at me before her eyes soften when they go to the animal. " She doesn't mean it."

I suppress a laugh, drawing close to her and bringing up my hand to the small spot of black soot on her cheek, just under her glasses, probably a smudge from when Cosima adjusted them with a dusty finger.

"Why don't you go have a shower?" I propose in a soft voice. "I'll start the food."

Cosima's smile widens and she nods slowly. "Okay," she whispers and goes to the tip of her toes.

I lean my head to kiss her gently, only one small peck but she finds it not enough, and with her hands pulling at the back of my neck she demands another, more satisfying, with her lips wrapping around my own and I grant it to her, like I always do.

I thought that by now it would've tempered, this thirst for her. We've been officially together for nearly ten months, known each other for almost two years, and every touch still feels as electrifying as the first. Every kiss still carries the same weight, it takes very little for her to have me enthusiastically seeking her. I wonder if it'll ever be any different, if our dynamic will change and instead of the constant frenzy that blindly guides us when we're together, we will find ourselves in a calmer, more lucid navigation. However, I suspect that even if it happens, part of us will always have this - it's our own private brand of balance.

"Cosima..." I say softly when we break for air, leaving my forehead against hers.

"I know, I know..." she groans, stealing another peck. "Get moving..."

I hum in agreement, feeling her slip out of my arms that had wrapped around her waist, shaking my head as I watch her walk inside with an exaggerated swing in her hips that tells me she knows of my eyes on her.

I return my attention to the grill, noticing coals glowing, and hearing the meat hisses when I place them on the iron grill to cook. The cat rubs himself against my legs, the smell of food causing him to put aside his suspicions towards me. With a knife a cut a small piece one of the ribs and offer it to him. He sniffles it for a long time before deciding that it's safe to eat.

"You are a sell out with no values," I tell him but he seems little interested in my judgmental opinion.

While the food cooks, I start to arrange the yard for our guests. The rectangular wooden table is already in the middle of the patio, instead of against one of the walls, but we'll need more than the four garden chairs and I get three more from the kitchen. The backyard isn't too big and part of it is taken by a planting area that so far, only has a lemon and a lime tree, too young to give us any fruits, and a small box with some cooking herbs gifted by Cosima's father. The remaining area is barren and we still don't know what to do with it, even though Cosima has suggested we use it for a marijuana plantation that would help us pay the mortgage.

I'm carrying plates outside when someone knocks on the door. Our doorbell isn't working either and we've not fixed it since we want to install a security system.

"Delphine, so good to see you," Cosima's father greets me with a warm hug and hands me a bottle of white wine.

"Jack, come in," I say, holding the door open. "Cosima should be down in a few."

"I won't hold my breath," he jokes as he follows me outside. "Why don't you open that bottle while we wait for her?"

I gather the glasses that were already on the kitchen table and take them outside, putting the corkscrew in my pocket. Jack is already flipping the meat, using the brush to generously spread the marinade over it - wherever he is no one is allowed to cook but him - and I open the bottle.

"You don't have to do that, Jack," I say, handing him a glass of wine, "you're a guest tonight."

"Thanks," he says and takes a small sip before setting down the glass. "And you know hell will freeze over before you can pull me out of here."

I laugh and let him to do his thing while I set the table. From time to time I watch him and notice that the damn cat is up to his old ways, not leaving Cosima's father side, who feeds him again.

"I didn't know you guys had a cat," he comments when he catches me looking.

"We don't," I tell him, "he's just an opportunist."

"Babe, I'm gonna need at least two fingers," Cosima says loudly from inside the house, and stops in her tracks when she spots her father. "To zip me up," she adds quickly, holding her dress up by the strap, an innocent smile on her lips. "Hi dad!"

"I'm gonna pretend I didn't understand that and save us a whole bunch of awkwardness," Jack doesn't turn and continues to flip the meat.

"Great!" Cosima nods.

I move around to reach her back and zip up her loose fitting, bright blue dress, squeezing the curve of her neck left exposed by her dreads pulled up in an elegant bun. I'm hardly done when there's a knock on the door and she walks away quickly, her low sandals clapping on the floor.

"I got it!" Cosima says already with her hand on the lock.

Behind me I hear her father chuckle, but I don't have time to be embarrassed as my former roommate's lively voice fills in all the silences, greeting Cosima loudly, followed by a much calmer Sylvia. Excitedly she holds my tightly and pushes a bottle to my chest.

"This needs ice," she says as I look at the bottle of champagne with a confused raised eyebrow. "To celebrate the official opening of the house," Olivia explains as if it's the most obvious thing ever just before she skips over to Cosima's father and slaps his shoulders with equal enthusiasm. "Mr. J, what's up?"

"I don't know how you can handle that," I shake my head at Sylvia as I lean in to lightly kiss each cheek.

"Neither do I," she jokes.

I laugh and return to the kitchen to quickly empty an ice bag into the closest thing we have to a small bucket, storing it in the fridge for later. Outside there's joyful laughter, but another knock draws me to the door and I cheerfully let Jen and her mother in, accepting two more bottles of wine.

"I wonder if everyone was afraid we didn't have enough alcohol," Cosima comments, entering the kitchen and welcoming her friend with a hug and Susan with a kiss on the cheek.

It's not so much a party as it is a gathering of friends. The conversation flows well with the steady flow of food that makes the way to the table, the low sun of the late summer afternoon encouraging wine glasses to be constantly refilled. We linger at the table after the food is long gone, and not even the slow breeze that rustles the leaves in our small backyard is enough to force us inside, although it's probably because we're pleasantly warm from the alcohol.

Some time after dinner, Cosima decides to lead a tour of the house, claiming that she's determined to be the "perfect hostess" and assuring me that she's already a bit tipsy.

"Thank you," Jack says softly from a chair across the table. There was no reason for him to join the others as he had helped us several times when we were setting the place up.

I raise my eyebrows at him, the small amount of alcohol in my system makes me less tense. "For?" I ask casually.

He gives me a small smile. "I don't think I've ever seen Cosima like this," he explains. "Not since..."

I smile myself and nod when he doesn't finish. "I think it goes both ways. I don't think I've ever been like this either… ever." I laugh, my voice completely relaxed. "She's an amazing person, although a bit stubborn at times." I'm not worried about measuring my words, something that under normal circumstances would've never happen.

"She can be difficult," he agrees and laughs as well. "But I have a feeling you know exactly how to deal with her."

Cosima's father and I are sharing a comfortable silence when they get back, bringing the bottle of champagne with them.

The night has settled and we have the weak patio lights on when they start to talk about leaving and slowly get up. Soon, only her father remains, helping us clean up everything before he too says it's time to go.

When Cosima returns after seeing her father out, she finds me stretched out on one of the chairs, the cat, stuffed with all the food that Cosima _accidentally_ dropped, purring lazily on my lap while I absently pet him. Hearing her chuckle, I open my eyes and look up at her smiling expression. Without a word she bends to carefully pick up the fur ball curled on my lap and he gives her an indignant glare when she places him on the chair next to mine.

"Sorry little dude, this one is taken," she comments in a low voice, extending her hand to me to help me up.

With a grunt, I get to my feet and let her guide me inside. She locks the door and turns off the patio lights before we head upstairs. We take turns in the washroom, me first and when Cosima enters the bedroom, I'm already in the clothes I prefer to wear to bed, a tank top and loose boxers, sprawled on the bed with the covers pulled down.

"Well, that went well," she says, sitting on the bed with her back to me, capturing the now released dreadlocks in her hands and pushing them to the side. "We should make this a weekly thing."

I hum and sit up, dragging myself closer and unzip her dress. The straps fall gracefully down her shoulders, my hands helping them along, while Cosima's head comes to rest against my chest. "Maybe monthly," I suggest instead, my lips brushing along her exposed neck.

"Yeah, you seem pretty beat up," Cosima says, taking my hands in her own and skimming them along her torso until I'm cradling her breasts.

I inhale deeply and add more intent to my touch, hearing her groan in satisfaction as I slide even closer until our upper bodies are pressed to one another, sending a shiver along her spine.

"I have plenty of energy left," I counter, my low voice brushing against the shell of her ear, matching her daring.

She chuckles throatily, her hands on top of mine encouraging a more aggressive grasp, and I feel Cosima's thrust back. It's not like she's had much difficulty discovering what it takes to spark my interest. In fact, it was as if she knew it before I understood myself. But, with time, she has become a master in her seduction, knowing how to give me the illusion of control without actually forfeiting any of her own. If anything, our sexual interactions have become more of a constant search for balance: when one is more demanding she usually gets away with it, only to have the other one equally determined in the next opportunity.

I release her breasts and grasp her hips, firmly pushing her onto the bed and making room for myself between her legs, making it clear what I'm in the mood for today. Cosima gasps and gives me a wide smile, as she wraps both her thighs around my waist, pulling me down.

I smile wickedly at her, leaning my head to slowly kiss her, my lips dancing softly over hers, taking the plump flesh of her lower lip between my teeth and tugging it gently. My tongue slides into her mouth, grazing delicately against her own for a moment before I pull out. Cosima's legs tense around me, her waist already rocking upwards, brushing against me and making it increasingly difficult to move down her body. My mouth hovers over the pulsing divot on the side of her neck and her collarbone, then to her chest, rising and falling with deep breaths. My left hand grips the headboard while the other finds one of her legs, fingers smoothing their way up to slip under the skirt of her dress. Her body rises up, her petite form almost entirely supported by me, with her arms around my shoulders while I find the supple curve of her ass and take it fully in the palm of my hand for a meaningful squeeze that makes her squeal.

I smile to myself, but say nothing, only continue the journey my lips make, reaching a perky nipple and letting my tongue lightly swirl and flick a few times. She moans as her hands sink in my curls and tug me closer as her body rolls beneath mine and I give in to her request, pressing my mouth against her flesh, allowing my teeth to graze the hardened nub. Meanwhile my hand strokes down inside her thigh, stopping only when I cup her sex, feeling her warmth through the tight boxers she's fond of using whenever she's in a skirt. Her moan deepens, and her body twitches in anticipation.

Clumsy fingers pull at my top, trying to remove it and I move back to help, ending up on my knees between her legs. She has a devilish smirk on her lips, looking up at me before her eyes disengage from mine to sweep over my naked torso and then lower, where the waistband of my boxers has slid dangerously low with the motion of our coupling. Cosima tries to sit up, her hands already tugging at the fabric, but I make her lay back down on the bed with an impolite shove. She laughs but remains there and observes me with the same smile while I move down her body and quickly strip her bare, tossing her clothes somewhere on the floor.

To wipe the pretentious grin off her face, I suddenly lower myself, spread her legs, and press my tongue between the folds of her sex, letting it slide through its entire length, relishing the wetness.

"Fuck yeah!" She sighs enthusiastically, both her hands grasping the back of my head.

But I only meant to tease, and pull up and away, traveling up her compact form, feeling the needy rocking of her hips against my stomach. Cosima has a small frown when I brush my nose against hers and kiss her pouty lips softly.

"You're a fucking tease," she complains in a cracked voice.

"So you've said," I tell her, brushing our noses sweetly again.

"Thanks for proving me right," Cosima says in a stronger tone.

"Any time, mon amour," I say as I palm her breast, running my thumb roughly over her nipple.

Cosima groans and her eyes roll back in her head, but at the same time feeling her nails digging into my lower back, pulling me down as she grinds against me. Her wetness coats my thigh as my boxers slip lower, so much that when I grind harder, I can feel her completely against me. In the meantime, Cosima's hands slide under the fabric, pushing them lower, and palming both cheeks as she rolls under me, the wide grin proof of her intention to tempt me further. I hold my ground, allowing her to increase the pace while my lips go to hers, my mouth muffling her needy moans while letting out some of my own. When the rhythm becomes more intense I grip the headboard with both hands, and grind against her, thankful for Cosima's bed choice that allows me to continue with my mouth on her, this time biting the side of her neck, hearing her panting harshly against my ear.

She moves too fast for me to catch the insolent hand, and finds a place between my legs. The touch is not too intense but it's definitely enough to capture my attention and I pull back to narrow my eyes at her.

She gives me a shameless smirk. "Get on with it!" Cosima provokes in a impish way as she strokes me again, this time with a purpose that causes a guttural moan to escape my lips.

I grind tensely against her and deliver a bruising kiss to her lips and Cosima wastes little time in sliding two fingers inside me with a steady thrust, leaving them in, dancing in my depths while I swing my waist on top of her. Cosima's free hand grazes up my body, her touch tight enough to make me raise my hips and ground down to her fingers with a firm thrust and abandon her lips for a hungry intake of air and a hiss when her touch reaches my breast and she fondles it roughly.

The role reversal, while unexpected, is not a novelty. Cosima can be impatient. She enjoys the teasing but can crack too soon, which makes our sexual encounters quite unpredictable.

"You are so easy," I murmur to her between a clenched jaw, pulling her up with both my hands around her cheeks and she follows, sitting up and adjusting her position beneath me, her hand moving again to palm the swell of my ass.

The new angle allows her to push deeper, faster within me and she takes full advantage of it. Biting her lower lip, but still smirking, Cosima watches me with fire in her eyes, adding a third finger that I easily accommodate arching my torso, my hips gyrating to her quickening pace.

"I'm not the one being expertly fucked," she comments and her thumb glides smoothly over my clit to deliver her message more effectively.

I growl. Her touch erases the notion that I had any control and I let myself fall backwards on the bed. In an instant, Cosima is hovering over me, clumsily removing my boxers from my ankles with her free hand, and pulls my right leg up to wrap around her waist.

I can't deny that she works me like an expert. She knows my body like no one else. My harsh moans are swallowed by her lips as her tongue pushes inside my mouth, and I suck it eagerly before urging her lower, guiding her with a firm grasp in her dreads until she reaches my breast. She doesn't miss a beat. She moves her fingers, unrelentingly against me as her mouth covers my breast and her tongue swirls around my nipple, impressively slowly considering the pace her fingers carry.

I know Cosima can sense me getting closer. The hand holding my thigh grips harder, keeping me wide open for her clever fingers, and her own body leans against her hand to quicken the rhythm even more. She reaches my lips for a graceless but deep kiss and pulls back, taking deep, unsteady breaths against the curve of my neck, where I feel her teeth graze my skin amidst the moans I can't control any longer.

"Oh Dieu!" I pant sharply, feeling fingers thrust inside me, deliciously curling with a devilish intention while her thumb reverently slides along the small nub.

Both my legs are wrapped around her now and I rock uncontrollably against her, but she seems determined to carry me all the way to my end. Even as my fingernails sink into the soft flesh of her ass, Cosima continues to push against me, her moans, softer, gentler join my own loud ones. She doesn't stop until my shaky limbs drop tiredly to the bed and I all but cease to exist for a moment.

I open my eyes when I feel her body peeling off of mine, being confronted with Cosima on her knees between my legs, her back straight, contemplating the result of her actions with a self-satisfied smirk.

"And I'm easy..." she mocks me lightly with a chuckle.

I smile lazily, not even caring to respond to her pretentious assessment. Her own smile softens, her expression becomes incredibly sweet.

"Dude, I really, really love you," she says under her breath, her hand, once again gentle, travels softly over my skin.

I chuckle. "Well, that's good to hear, since we just bought a house together," I comment, pulling myself up and sliding my arms over her shoulders, toying with a few dreads.

"I know," she whispers and brushes her nose against mine. "Sometimes I still can't believe it."

I hum contently. "What were we thinking..." it's a rhetorical question, not really requiring an answer.

"That we needed a place to have loud sex without worrying about neighbors," she suggests with a laugh.

"Seems like a valid reason," I nod slowly, sliding an arm off her shoulder and placing a hand on her chest, prompting her to lay back. "Speaking of which," I continue, my voice dropping to a low tease while I move on top of her. "Let's see how loud I can make you scream."

Cosima laughs throatily, her hands pull my curls to the back of my head as I make a slow descent down her body. "Oh c'mon," she says with a low groan, "we both know you're the screamer."

Hearing this, I look at her, her gaze steady on me, and tug a nipple between my teeth. She gasps, her fingers in my hair tense but she chuckles again. I don't let it deter me and continue my journey as my left hand cradles her breast and the other seeks the warmth between her legs. Finding the welcome and tempting wetness, her body rolls smoothly as my fingers explore softly.

I slide down her body, my mouth nibbling on the way to my destination, and I look up at her again, finding her eyes on me, the hunger in her gaze encouraging me. Long gone are the days when I needed to constantly read her cues, and there's no hesitation as I part her legs wider to make room, the same way that Cosima no longer feels the need to constantly reassure me. Instead I feel the impatience in her touch, in the grip of her fingers in my hair.

"Delphine... stop teasing," she is almost whining.

I smile to myself, biting the inside of her thigh and her hips rise up. "Oh, I think you'll be screaming soon," I say, holding her steady.

The hand that's not trying to pull me down goes to my shoulder, fingers sinking into my flesh and I take pity on her. I run my tongue smoothly along her sex with care and she trembles slightly. Her entire body ripples in an elegant wave and she groans quietly, her hold relaxing and flexing with her want. She begins to rock against my touch with more purpose, riding my tongue in a steady pace, and I slide the strong muscle along the warm skin with pleasure, enjoying how her wetness coats the swollen flesh under the attention of my mouth. I have no intention of increasing the pace, despite the thrusting of her hips growing more needy and the sound of her moans starting to fill the bedroom.

Cosima squirms beneath me, becoming increasingly impatient and her legs try to clamp around my head, but I won't have it. With both my hands I spread them wider and slide my tongue inside her only to slip out and run it along the heated flesh and she quivers. To her credit, Cosima doesn't even lose the control of her voice when I sink two fingers into her, in a slow but deliberate movement. In fact, it's me who moans against her when I feel the warm walls and slick arousal wrap around my digits.

"Fuck..." Cosima hisses softly nonetheless, her hips rotating steadily and her hand on my head pushes me down to her.

In truth, Cosima's never been much of a screamer, her sounds are generally a sensual low pitch, the perfect combination to the graceful movement of her body. She groans and pants, whines weakly as I thrust my fingers against the smooth, warm walls, slick with the arousal that grows with every push of my hand. Her hips sway gently, riding my fingers and tongue as I lick along the delicious path of her want. But she is right, I'm the screamer. Even as her body trembles as I build her up to the limit, Cosima growls between a clenched jaw, her hand grips my locks, her hips swing up with voracious hunger and the nails dig on my upper arm. But she's not loud. The profanities which slip from her mouth are whispered in the same manner my name is. It's her movements that betray her, it's the legs that abandon my torso to plant her feet firmly on the bed and when I look up at her I see Cosima attempting to sit up. The hand that was holding my arm presses against the mattress behind her to give her some balance while her hips rise, bringing me up with her. I refuse to abandon her sex, my mouth is attached to her, as my free arm slides beneath to pull Cosima to me and encourage the thrusting hips, fingers vigorously push inside her, my tongue intent on its task.

"Delphine, fuck!" She whimpers, her body trembles and the walls of her sex squeeze my fingers tightly, slick arousal covers my hand.

She drops heavily to the bed, her body had completely given up on her and it's only then that I relent. I slide my fingers out and my tongue gives a parting stroke over the spent flesh, but my arms surround her thighs and I pull her to me, dragging a very tired, but giggling Cosima down the bed as I move up her body, resting my head on her torso and hearing the rapid thumping of her heart.

We remain like that for a while, until Cosima regains some dexterity and pulls me up, giving me a soft kiss before I adjust myself next to her, stretching my hand to find the light switch on the wall, next to the bed and settle with my arm around her waist. She plays with a few curls of my hair, pulling and releasing them in the dim moonlight coming from the slightly open curtains.

"You know what I've been thinking?" Her voice is the smallest whisper and I hum. "We should name the cat Darwin."

"Cosima..." I start.

"And we should take him to the vet," she continues, ignoring my weak protest.

"Why would you want to adopt a cat that clearly hates me and wants to claw my face out?" I complain half-heartedly.

"He doesn't hate you." She laughs, her hand tugging at my hip. "He just prefers me," Cosima reasons, "and who could blame him, really?"

"You are so humble, mon amour," I comment ironically, but give her a small peck on the tip of the nose.

Cosima wiggles in my arms, her leg moves on top of mine and pulls me even closer. "I know," she hums, her lips brushing along my collarbone, "it's why you love me."

My chest shakes with the force of my laugh. "I love you _in spite_ of it," I correct her.

She drags her fingers lightly along my spine, the touch weirdly comforting and stimulating at the same time and I don't know to which I should pay homage. Cosima eyes me carefully, the quick intake of breath probably giving me away or maybe she just knows me that well.

"Not even you were immune to my irresistible charms," she says playfully, her fingers smoothing along my skin definitely becoming more exciting than calming.

"Hum… C'est vrai," I nod slowly. "You can be quite charming when you wish to, and _that_ is why I love you."

"But not only that," she continues in a soothing voice, her finger round my hipbone and walk over the skin until she reaches between my legs, where they stop.

"No, not only that," I agree, instinctively my body seeks her touch.

"We will always have this," she says with such determination that leaves me no room to question her. "Even when I nag you beyond reason or when we're tired or when we don't have enough time or energy, we'll have each other." My heart swells and I pull her for a firm kiss, catching my breath when her touch pushes deeper. "Promise me you'll always remember it."

"Je te prometes," I whisper.

Cosima beams. From intense vulnerability she goes to excitedly bold, and both characteristics are what really makes her who she is, despite being the two polar opposites, it's what defines her the most. And that may be exactly why I love her and why I do believe that we'll always have this.

The End


End file.
